The Importance of Being a Bachelor

by Mike Gayle

  Once again Adam’s eyes were drawn to his parents’ clasped hands. He glanced over at Luke and Cassie who were standing on the opposite side of the bed and Cassie grinned back. ‘Is everything packed?’

  ‘Your Mum did it all this morning,’ said Dad. ‘We’re packed and ready to go.’

  Adam couldn’t help himself. ‘Go where?’

  ‘Home,’ said Mum quietly. ‘We’re taking your dad back home where he belongs.’

  No one said anything. Cassie was visibly struggling with the Bachelor family’s muted celebrations and wanted to give vent to the squeals of delight bubbling up inside her. Adam threw a smile of amusement in her direction. She was learning. She was definitely learning. And one day soon she would be fully up to speed with the ways of the Bachelors.

  ‘So what’s the plan?’ asked Adam, looking over at Luke. ‘Will you be OK to take Mum and Dad back in your car? I’ll never fit in both of them, plus Dad’s stuff, in a million years.’

  ‘Wouldn’t matter if you could anyway. You’ll be too busy sorting things out to be playing taxi driver.’

  ‘Sorting what out?’

  ‘I think Luke’s talking about me,’ said a voice from behind him.

  Steph was standing in the doorway. He didn’t know what to do, say or think. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘This is my fault, Ad,’ said Russell sheepishly. ‘I used your phone to call her this morning while you were in the shower.’

  ‘Listen,’ said Dad. ‘Why don’t we all get off and give your brother some privacy?’

  Everyone nodded, said their hellos to Steph and their goodbyes to Adam and within a matter of moments had left the room.

  ‘I’m sorry you’ve been dragged into all of this, Steph,’ said Adam. ‘I know Russ meant well but he shouldn’t have called.’

  ‘You’re right,’ said Steph. ‘You’re absolutely right. Russell shouldn’t have called me, you should. Why didn’t you tell me what had happened, Adam? Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone would want to be with you at a time like this? Didn’t the time we spent together mean anything to you?’

  ‘It meant everything to me. You changed me, Steph. You changed me completely.’

  ‘Then why didn’t you let me help you?’

  Feeling like he might fall over under the weight of his own body Adam sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘I messed things up. You’re right, I should’ve called. I knew you would’ve been there for me.’

  ‘So why didn’t you?’

  ‘Because I couldn’t help thinking that maybe what you said was right that first day I asked you out on a date. Maybe I’m not really your type after at all.’

  Steph rolled her eyes. ‘Adam, that is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard. And I say that as someone who has heard an awful lot of crap in her time. What is it with men and facts? Why are they so resistant to the idea of change? Why can’t they see that it’s possible to go from finding someone vain, egotistical and full of themselves to adoring that very same person without their entire world falling apart? Just what is wrong with you men?’

  ‘You thought I was vain?’

  ‘Very.’

  ‘And egotistical?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘And full of myself?’

  ‘Like a bloated windbag in need of the attentions of a good hatpin.’

  ‘And yet you still want to give this a go?’

  ‘I have to. With qualities like that who else would have you? No, Mr Bachelor, you’re my type and I’m yours and just for the record I think you ought to know that we are going to be all right.’

  Three Months Later

  George and Joan Bachelor’s

  (belated) 40th wedding anniversary

  Time: 7.00 p.m. – 1.00 a.m.

  Venue: BlueBar, Wilbraham Road, Chorlton

  Russell Bachelor

  ‘It tells you a lot about being the youngest member of the Bachelor family,’ began Russell, having nervously taken to the stage, ‘that when it comes to tasks which no one wants to be the first one to do – for example giving speeches to a room crammed with one hundred and fifty family and friends – more often than not it falls to me to do them. It wasn’t even as if I drew the short straw: there were no straws! I got cornered by Adam and told: “Dad’s on last, I’m on before him so it’s a toss up between you and Luke who goes out there and breaks the ice.” As you can see it wasn’t so much as a toss-up – that would imply some form of luck at play – nope, I was told that unless I wanted my naked baby photos made into a PowerPoint presentation for the whole world to see I would be going up first . . . and so here I am.

  ‘What have I got to say about Mum and Dad’s fortieth that might be worthy of your attention? Not much. Every one of those forty years speaks more eloquently about love than I hope to do. Those years speak about family, about loyalty but above all about hard work and dedication. And it’s my greatest wish that Angie and I can have even half the happiness that Mum and Dad have shared over the past decades in our future together. Cheers, Mum and Dad! Happy anniversary!’

  Luke Bachelor

  ‘Before I get started the first thing you should know was that I wasn’t joking when I told Russell I’d made a PowerPoint presentation of his naked baby photos. It really exists and straight after these speeches it will be making its debut in the basement bar once I’ve worked out how to hook up my laptop to the projector.

  ‘Anyway, to questions of love . . . because that’s what tonight is all about, isn’t it? Forty years of love. With one failed marriage under my belt you’d be forgiven for thinking that I’m probably not the best person to be talking on the matter and you might be right. The only thing I seem to have learned about love is that it’s a lot easier to get it wrong than to get it right and were I left to my own devices I would have spent the rest of my life getting it wrong time and time again. Thankfully that won’t happen for three good reasons: namely my daughter, my parents and the woman I’m going to be marrying the week after next. So often we think of love as being this soft emotion. Strictly for the girls. But true love isn’t anything like that – not when it’s done right and that’s what Megan, my parents and Cassie have all shown me. The only reason I’m standing here is because of their love. And the only reason I know what love is at all is because of them. So here’s to love – cheers, Mum and Dad – and thanks for everything!’

  Adam Bachelor

  ‘From some of the things that have been said so far you might be forming the impression that we don’t take my kid brother Russell all that seriously and you’d be right. But the thing about Russell is, beneath his youth and goofy exterior lies quite a bit of wisdom.

  ‘A little while ago Russell and I had a conversation about whether or not the Bachelor family were cursed! I know! I know! But it was one of those conversations. Anyway, having given the matter some thought he turned up at my house proclaiming the good news: we weren’t cursed, we were just late starters! I had to laugh. What was he on about? And yet a few months later look at us all: Mum and Dad celebrating their fortieth anniversary; Luke due to get married; Russell finally over whatever caused him to be a major pain in the backside these past few years; Adam Bachelor, bar owner and second best-looking guy in Chorlton, in an all-singing, all-dancing relationship with the single smartest, funniest, most beautiful woman you could ever hope to meet. And it only took me thirty-eight years and a few false starts to find her! Late starters? I was nearly a non-starter! I never thought this love business was for me. But it turns out that Russ was right. And you, Mum, have been telling me forever that it’s just about finding the right person. I used to roll my eyes. Well it’s true! I finally met her. And tonight, seeing how much my mum and dad still love each other I know that Luke is right: love isn’t soft – it’s hard like granite, it has to be. So much is expected of it, so much pressure put on it – it has to withstand such a lot. But after forty years of being polished, shaped and honed by life it truly is a thing of beauty. So than
ks, Mum and Dad, for showing us not only what love is but how with hard work and real determination just how wonderful it can be. Happy anniversary!’

  George Bachelor

  ‘These past few weeks I’ve spent day and night worrying about what I was going to say tonight and only this morning it dawned on me that all I needed to do was say it. So here goes: I love you, Joan Bachelor. I always have done and I always will. Happy anniversary!’