Shades of Blue

by Karen Kingsbury

  “I’m sure.”

  “The holidays came and went and Brad left for college.” Their last day together, their good-byes, none of it was heartfelt or drawn out the way it might have been. And of course not. The love they’d shared was long dead by then … dead since the twentieth of November. “A few years later my mom died. Brad came back for the funeral, but we barely talked.” Emma drew a quick breath and drew her foot up against the tree trunk. “And that was that. I haven’t heard from him since.”

  “It still hurts.” Gavin’s perception seemed to come naturally. He never looked away, never gave her anything but his complete attention.

  “Yes.” She looked down at her hands for a few seconds. “It still hurts.”

  He stretched out his legs, again unhurried. “Do you love him? Now, I mean?”

  “No.” Her answer was a little too quick, but it was the right answer. No matter how she sometimes felt on late afternoons when she ran along Holden Beach. “It’s just …” she squinted at the sky, trying to figure out her feelings. When she turned her eyes back to his she felt the same sense of freedom she’d felt earlier. “We never found closure. About the baby … about us.”

  He smiled with a tenderness that warmed even the darkest corner of her soul. He took a few steps and nodded for her to follow. “Maybe this helped. Talking about it.”

  “Maybe.” She was glad they were walking again. The pond glistened ahead of them.

  “See?” A smile sounded in his voice.

  “What?” The path narrowed, the trees on either side closer than before.

  “I’m still here.” His shoulder brushed against her as they walked. “You thought I wouldn’t want to be your friend, but that’s crazy, Emma. We all have a past.”

  “I know, it’s just …” this was the first time she’d ever spoken of these feelings, ever really understood them. “I should’ve been braver. I should’ve had the baby. I hate myself for it.”

  “You can’t go back.” Gavin’s voice grew softer. They came into another clearing, and a few yards up the path they reached the pond. Three mallard ducks sailed in a lazy circle at the far end. Gavin paused for a long while, staring at the scene. Then he turned to her, looking straight into the part of her soul she never shared with anyone. “This is why you didn’t want to pray for Kristin?”

  Emma couldn’t bring herself to talk about God, not in light of what she’d just admitted. She nodded and once more fought the urge to leave. “Brad made an impact in a lot of ways. It’s ironic. Especially when it came to my mom.” Emma felt a sad smile tug at her lips. “I started going to church with him when I was in middle school. My mom … she became a Christian because of Brad’s influence in our lives. She died with a very strong faith. But me …”

  “You have walls.”

  It was like he had known her forever. She looked down, unwilling to let him see inside her heart a moment longer.

  “You know what?” His tenderness was like water to her parched, dry soul.

  She looked up.

  “I think inside those walls is a very bright light. You care, Emma. I can see that.” He exhaled, long and slow, clearly wanting her to understand. “God forgives you.” He wasn’t preaching to her. He was doing what he said he wanted to do. He was being her friend. “Maybe you should take all this to Him. I mean, have you thought about it?”

  The kind man beside her meant well. His comment about her touched her deeply. But Emma couldn’t talk about turning to God in light of all she’d just revealed. A restlessness came over her. “You know what?” She smiled politely as she turned in the direction of the parking lot. “We need to get back.” She started walking and again he stayed with her pace. “Thank you for listening.”

  “Emma … I didn’t mean to — ”

  “It’s okay.” Her pace was faster than before. Not rude, but definitely faster. “You need to get to church.”

  He slipped his hands into his pockets as they walked. “I still have an hour.”

  She didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Instead she spent the walk back asking about his summer. He was leading a couple basketball camps at the school and another private camp — his own — in mid-August.

  They reached her car and she felt like she could breathe again. He seemed about to say something, to stop her from leaving. But instead, slowly his expression eased and he gave her a sad smile. Before she could get into her car, he gently put his arms around her and hugged her. There was no logical reason why, but again, the way he cared for her came through in every aspect of his embrace. As he eased back he searched deep into her eyes. “I’m here, Emma. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.”

  “Thanks.” She slipped into the driver’s seat and pulled her keys from her pocket. Her heart was beating at double speed, pounding so loud she could barely hear herself talk. “I …” she looked up at him, “this was good.” She smiled so he wouldn’t ask another question. “Thanks, Gavin.”

  He nodded and backed up a few feet from her car. When she pulled out of the gravel lot, he was still standing there, still watching her. Her hands felt damp against the wheel as she drove home. How could she have told him? She hadn’t spared a single detail, so what must he be thinking about her now? On his way to church, of all things. He could say all the right things about still being there and about not being appalled, but he would never see her the same way again. He was a good man, a churchgoing man. His faith was as real as everything else about him. The conversation might’ve helped her process some of what she was feeling, but after today one thing was absolutely certain. Gavin Greeley might care about her as a person … he might even pray for her at the church altar this morning.

  But he would never ask her out again.

  Thirteen

  BRAD WAS BACK IN NEW YORK, but he’d been distant and evasive since his return and Laura was certain something was wrong. She had planned on using that Monday to shop with her mom for bridesmaid gifts, something special for the friends who had always been there for her.

  But with Brad acting so strange, she wasn’t in the mood to work on the wedding.

  Instead she drove with her dad into the city so she could help him catch up on some marketing. She’d received her degree in public relations, but she’d mostly used it for the charity work she and her parents were involved in. She could write newsletters and send press releases to the local media when one of the ministries had an auction or a fundraiser. Only once in a while did she use her skills for her father’s company.

  “I have people who can do this, sweetheart,” her dad smiled at her as they drove through the tunnel. “You should be focused on your wedding. Are you sure you and your mother have things under control?”

  “Mom and I have done what we can, really. The wedding planner has all the details under control.” If only I did, she thought. She patted his hand. “Besides, I like working with you.”

  The office had a long list of completed ad campaigns, and like other times when Laura helped at the firm, she would contact past clients, thanking them again for their business and offering the firm’s Services if they had any additional advertising needs.

  It didn’t hurt that she’d be near Brad all day. He’d mentioned he wanted to talk, so being at the office today might help make that moment happen. The sun was still coming up when they arrived at the building and headed for the elevator. Her dad’s firm took up three floors, the nineteenth, twentieth, and the twenty-first. The executives had offices on the latter, and Laura intended to work from a laptop in her father’s suite — the one next to Brad’s.

  “I like being the first one here,” her dad grinned as they stepped off the elevator onto the plush carpet that marked his office space. “Gives me time to think.”

  It wasn’t quite seven o’clock, but being early didn’t bother Laura. She could organize her contacts according to product type and time zone. The extra hour would allow her to familiarize herself with the accounts, so she’d be ready to make phone calls we
ll before noon.

  They walked together past the office with Brad’s name on the door, but her dad hesitated as they reached his office. “I have an early conference call with a new account.” He motioned down the hall. “Why don’t you work in Brad’s office? At least until he gets in.”

  “Perfect.” Laura loved the idea. She gathered a stack of client files and a laptop. As she opened the door to the place where he worked, she could smell his cologne. A feeling of peace and well-being came over her. Everything was okay … it had to be. They’d talked about getting married for years, right? But as she spread the files across the long table at the center of the suite, she couldn’t help but think about Brad’s recent trip to North Carolina and why his tone had sounded so ominous when he’d told her yesterday that he wanted to talk.

  She forced all doubt from her mind. At the same time she noticed the poster-size baby photos spread around the perimeter of the room. That had to be it, right? His distance wasn’t because of her or doubts he might be having about the wedding. He was struggling with the Kotton Kids campaign. Even after his meeting with the company’s president, he still hadn’t come up with the type of slogan the product deserved. Wasn’t that what he’d told her?

  Peace came over her again. Nothing was wrong. They were at the beginning of a wonderful life. Of course Brad would be upset by the struggles he was having with his current campaign. He didn’t need her scrutiny … he needed her encouragement. She turned her attention to the files and began arranging them. She would use the laptop to check back records on each account, but she needed something to write on, a place to jot notes about each file. The supply closet was all the way at the other end of the office, one floor down. She looked at Brad’s desk. Surely he would have what she needed.

  She crossed the room to his work space and pulled open the first drawer. But instead of paper and a pen, she saw an envelope, and on top of it, the small photo of a striking brunette. Laura’s heart stopped and then thudded into a rhythm she didn’t recognize. What was this? A photo of some girl she didn’t know at the very top of her fiancé’s desk drawer?

  Dear God … who is she? Please, God … help me make sense of what I’m seeing. She was breathing faster than before. With everything in her she wanted to slam the drawer shut and pretend she’d never seen the picture. But she had, and that changed everything. Feeling like a trespasser in utter violation, she carefully picked up the photo and studied it.

  Her fingers trembled as she examined the photo. The girl was stunning. Dark hair and hazel eyes framing an unforgettable face. The paper was slightly yellowed and worn, an older photo for sure. So why was it at the top of Brad’s desk drawer? She turned it over and part of the mystery became instantly clear. A single name was written across the back.

  Emma.

  The realization hit her full force like a wall of freezing water, taking her breath and leaving her stunned. This was Emma? Emma Landon, of course. Brad’s high school love. They met in grade school and became fast friends. Brad had talked about her one of the first times he and Laura went out.

  “Sounds like you were destined to be with her,” she had kept her tone light. “What happened?”

  Brad’s face gave away nothing. He smiled, a nostalgic sort of smile, and he shrugged. “We grew apart. Just because you share your childhood with someone doesn’t mean you’re right for each other.”

  “True.” She didn’t want to be nosy, but she had to ask. “Was it mutual, the breakup?”

  “More or less. The last few months nothing seemed to work. The end wasn’t a surprise to either of us.”

  His answer had satisfied Laura, leaving her convinced that Emma Landon was a part of Brad’s past. Nothing more. Never again did Laura ask about Emma, and Brad brought her up only occasionally when he was telling a story from his past. Emma was pretty much a part of Brad’s every memory until he graduated from high school. Laura was okay with that.

  But now … if Emma’s photo was on top of everything in Brad’s desk drawer, what did that mean? And was she the reason he needed to go back to North Carolina? Suddenly every certain thing about her life shifted onto shaky ground. Was this why he’d been so distant, the reason he needed to talk to her? If so, why? What had happened that a girl he’d left behind nine years ago would suddenly be on his mind?

  Her heart was still racing, and she needed fresh air. She couldn’t stand to hold the picture another moment. She set it back on top of the envelope and shut the desk drawer. What was she supposed to do now? How could any of this be happening? The picture and the trip to Wilmington had to be connected, somehow. A part of her wanted to call a car and go home, so she wouldn’t have to face him in an hour.

  Help me, God … what’s going on?

  Peace, my Daughter. I am with you always.

  The truth spoke calm over her soul, a truth she’d rested in since she was a little girl. God was with her. Even now, even when her relationship with Brad and their pending wedding was no longer certain. Her faith in Christ was, and He would be with her — whatever lay ahead.

  She took a slow breath and steadied herself. No, she wouldn’t run. She had to face him, had to find out what he wanted to talk about and take whatever came next with calm and confidence. Besides, maybe she was overreacting. This might not be anything more than a strange coincidence. Maybe he was cleaning his desk and found the photo. The picture might not have anything to do with Brad’s trip home.

  By the time Brad arrived, she had stationed herself in an empty office across the hall — not wanting to make small talk with her father or her fiancé. Brad seemed surprised by her presence. He came to her and shut the door behind him. “Hey …”

  “Hi.” Act natural, she told herself. Stay calm. Whatever today holds, stay calm. She held her head a little higher. “How’s your morning?”

  “Good.” He knit his brow together. “I thought you and your mom were buying bridesmaid gifts today?”

  “No.” She smiled, but it felt icy, even to her. “I wasn’t in the mood.”

  “You weren’t in the …” He came closer and sat on the edge of her desk. “Laura? What’s wrong?”

  She wanted to give him a quick “I’m fine,” play along like everything was okay between them. For several long, painful seconds she searched for a way to hide what she was feeling. But she couldn’t pretend. Finally her smile faded and she studied him, trying to see his intentions. “You tell me.” She pushed back from the laptop, her eyes still locked on his. “Tell me about North Carolina.”

  He hesitated. Not in a pronounced way and not for long, but his hesitation told her everything she needed to know. His lips parted and he shook his head. “I saw my parents.” His lips stayed parted, like he might say something else to convince her. But then his expression changed. “Look, Laura. North Carolina … what I want to talk about … it has nothing to do with us. I promise you.”

  “What then?” She kept her tone kind, controlled. “Because if something’s wrong with you, then it involves me. That’s how it works when two people get married.”

  “I know.” He exhaled hard and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.” A look that mixed resignation with trepidation filled his eyes and he checked the clock near the door. “I don’t have an appointment until eleven thirty. How about a walk in the park?”

  “Now?”

  “Yes. Right now.” Brad sighed. He held his hand out to her. “I need to talk to you.”

  She didn’t want to take his hand. Whatever he had to tell her, she wanted to protect her heart. But she reached out for his fingers anyway. She left her purse and they walked to the elevator without saying a word. Central Park was a block away, visible from Brad’s office. In three minutes they were on a secluded, tree-lined path, headed for the fountain.

  “I want to be clear about one thing.” Their pace was a slow saunter, Brad’s entire focus on her. “What I’m about to say has nothing to do with you. But I realized something this past weekend. You need to kno
w.”

  Laura couldn’t keep walking. She moved to a bench on the side of the path and sat on the edge, waiting. Whatever was coming, she had a feeling it would change both their lives forever. So before she could listen to another word, she needed to pray. Quickly and silently. Lord, please be with me. I thought everything was fine …

  Brad was coming toward her, and the look on his face told her she would need to keep praying. Maybe constantly. Because Brad didn’t look merely concerned or anxious as he approached her.

  He looked broken, like someone she didn’t recognize.

  Fourteen

  BRAD HAD DREADED THIS MOMENT SINCE he left North Carolina. His father had said he’d pray for him, and he’d said something else. “The sooner the better, Son. Truth doesn’t like to be delayed.”

  That was certainly true here and now. He drew a slow breath, walked to the bench, and lowered himself to the place beside Laura. He’d prayed about this moment the whole way home and late into last night. Now he had no choice but to move forward. He took her hand and muttered under his breath, “Man, I hate this.”

  Laura was quiet, waiting. But there was no denying the fear in her eyes.

  “Okay.” He worked to find the right words. “So remember I told you about Emma? The girl I dated in high school?”