Shades of Blue

by Karen Kingsbury

  Her parents had spared no expense working with a well-known wedding coordinator to pull together every detail. The reception — if it happened — would be something out of a fairy tale. Tables and chairs would be covered in fine linen, and the many chandeliers gracing the Grand Ballroom would be connected by strings of tiny white lights. An entire staff decked out in tuxedoes would tend to their guests’ every need.

  Her dress was breathtaking, an original that seemed made for her. Locally grown white roses would blanket the ceremony pathways and sitting area and every table in the ballroom. A Manhattan baker known for his artistic wedding creations had designed their cake. The prime rib and seafood dinner was being specially put together by a team of chefs who had their own daytime cooking show over the Hudson. There would be an orchestra and a DJ, and the dancing would go late into the night. When it was over, the guests would be invited back out onto the lush lawn for a private fireworks show. It should’ve been the wedding of the year.

  But so what?

  Laura sat down in one of the gliders on the porch and set the chair in motion. Without question she would’ve traded it all for the certainty that her fiancé was who he’d pretended to be, for the security in knowing that his ex-girlfriend wasn’t distracting him this close to the wedding. A big, glamorous show. That’s all the wedding was shaping up to be, and so she’d been honest with Brad. She really did need time.

  And it was that final part that pulled her up out of the chair and pushed her inside for her car keys. The Bible study was at Megan’s tonight, a few miles away, and suddenly Laura wanted to be there as badly as she wanted her next breath. Her friends had seen each other through far more painful things than a failed engagement. If that’s what this was. Laura had supported her friends while they each experienced their various hopes and heartaches.

  Now they would be there for her.

  THE BIBLE STUDY COULDN’T START OFF with her news. Laura let the others talk, while she focused on what she was going to say, how she was going to say it. The girls gathered around the coffee table in Megan and Joey’s condominium. Anna, Bella Joy, and Nelly sat on the sofa. Amy had the armchair, and Megan and Laura sat on dining room chairs pulled into the room for the occasion.

  “My doctor wants to run some tests on me. One of my blood tests came back a little high.” Megan sounded hopeful. “I’m not worried, but … I wanted you to know.”

  Amy leaned over and patted Megan’s knee. “It’ll be fine.” She looked at the others. “We’ll pray.”

  “Thanks.” Megan managed a tentative smile. “I can’t afford to be off my feet. Not with four little ones running around!”

  “If you need help, I’ll move in!” Bella Joy grinned at Megan. “I mean it. A month … two. Whatever you need.”

  “If it goes that way, I’ll remember that.”

  Amy’s eyes lit up. “By the way, I have good news about the twins. They got accepted to Orange Christian Elementary! The school offered us scholarships, so my mom and I can afford it!”

  “I can’t believe they’re that old.”

  “They’re five.” Amy’s pride over her girls shone in her eyes. She was a wonderful mother, never allowing herself to sound bitter or resentful over her own shattered social life or the sacrifices she’d made so that her girls would have a great life. “Kindergarten in the fall.”

  Laura looked around the room and saw she wasn’t the only one feeling nostalgic over the fact that Amy’s daughters were already school age, and that they would be attending the same school where the six of them first met. But today Amy’s mention of the twins hit Laura on another level. How would Amy feel if she’d had an abortion? Laura felt an unfamiliar hurt for what Emma Landon must’ve gone through. Especially if Brad left her life without saying sorry.

  “Time flies by after kindergarten.” Anna smiled. She rested her hand on her pregnant belly. “That’s what I’ve always heard, anyway.”

  Bella Joy and Nelly listened without saying much. They didn’t have kids or husbands, so this sort of talk left them on the outs. Laura felt knots form in her stomach. She could picture herself — six months from now — having more in common with them than she’d ever imagined.

  After another few minutes, Megan picked up her Bible. “We were in Luke, chapter 6. The part about loving our enemies.”

  Laura reeled at the sudden impact of the verses. Last week the Scripture had been so many more verses. Love your enemies … be kind to those who harm you … show mercy … Last week those were merely tough truths that framed the existence of the Christian life. Now they were personal. Brad had hurt her, and tonight she didn’t feel like loving him. Even so, she needed the Scriptures. Life was crashing in around her, and she no longer knew whether Brad was the man for her, or even how she felt about him. Only with God’s wisdom and direction would she get through whatever happened in the coming weeks. She didn’t have to marry Brad, but she had to forgive. She had to love — no matter what. The thought made her angry, because it wasn’t fair. She hadn’t done anything to cause this, and right now she didn’t want to love him.

  Megan was talking about how often she’d thought about last week’s lesson in the days since then. “Almost like God was giving me extra practice in loving the people who are harder to be around.”

  “Me too.” Nelly looked down at her hands. “Did you see the tabloids? My ex married his back-up singer this week.”

  Laura’s heart sank further into her chest. Would that be her one day, hearing from her parents or through a UNC friend that Brad had married? Maybe even married Emma? A shiver ran down her arms. How could he keep his past from me all this time, she thought. It isn’t right, God … I don’t even know him.

  Only one response filled her heart. The Scripture from Luke, chapter 6.

  Megan waited until they all had their Bibles open. “Okay, so let’s have Bella Joy start with Luke 6:37.”

  Bella Joy was a happy soul, rarely feeling sorry for herself despite her loneliness. She held her Bible up and began, “ ‘Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.’ ”

  The words fell on Laura like so many rocks, but she shielded herself from them. She had a right to judge Brad. Not for his past, but for not telling her sooner.

  Bella Joy continued. “ ‘… For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.’ ”

  “Whew! That’s a lot.” Amy sat back and lowered her Bible to her lap. “I mean, that’s a pretty impossible list.”

  “Without God.” Anna’s face was pensive. “It’s the same lesson my husband’s been teaching the kids in his youth group. It’s impossible without divine help.”

  “But just imagine if everyone lived like that.” Bella Joy moved to the edge of her seat. “Forgiving each other, not judging or condemning.”

  “Sounds like heaven.” Nelly smiled, but there was defeat in her expression. “I’ll work on that list as long as I’m breathing. I’m not sure I’ll ever really get it.”

  Her friends’ comments both challenged her and scared her. She didn’t want to think about her feelings toward Brad, or the call not to condemn. He had brought this on himself, right? Surely God wasn’t talking about a situation like hers or Nelly’s. She paused, focused on her pounding heart. Or maybe He was. She pushed the thoughts from her mind.

  Amy read the next section, “ ‘Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?’”

  Laura tried not to tune out. A person had to have a plank in their eye in order to be guilty of paying attention to someone else’s speck. Wasn’t it possible that sometimes the plank really was in the eye of the other person? She tried again to focus on the verses.

  “ ‘… You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.’ ”

  Megan angled her head. “Joey and I were looking at these vers
es the other day.” Her eyes were intent. “We noticed something we hadn’t thought about before. If a person had a plank in their eye, of course their vision would be off. They wouldn’t see anything right. Not their brother’s mistakes or their own.”

  A series of nods went around the room. “I never thought about that.” Bella Joy stared at her Bible again. “That’s good. You wouldn’t know you had a plank.”

  Laura sat back in her chair. Bella Joy’s words hit her straight on because the truth was, she wasn’t without fault. What was wrong with her faith that seconds ago she’d thought herself to have such clear vision? She was critical and judgmental, especially when she was crossed. She’d never been called to forgive anything like this, and she was struggling even to imagine it. What did that say about her? She hid her shame and listened.

  Nelly released an exaggerated sigh. “Okay … but what if you’re in a situation like mine. Your husband walks out on you and marries someone else. Am I supposed to look the other way, love him anyway, and do everything possible not to judge or condemn him?” She let her shoulders sag forward and her voice cracked. “The jerk broke my heart.”

  Bella Joy put an arm around Nelly and hugged her. She didn’t say anything, didn’t offer a spiritual insight to the verse or another Scripture that might help enlighten Nelly to a more godly attitude. She just held her. No one else said anything either. Because that’s the sort of friends they were.

  And it was why after they finished with the verses, Laura felt safe enough to finally say what was on her mind. She waited for a break in the conversation.

  “Brad’s going back to North Carolina.” Her tone more than her words told them this was not the sort of trip he’d taken the week before. The girls turned toward her, surprise registering on their faces.

  “To see his parents again?” Megan was the first to seek clarity.

  Laura stared at her lap. She still couldn’t believe this was happening, that the words she was about to say were actually real. “We had a serious talk a few days ago. He told me things I didn’t know about him.” She didn’t feel like crying anymore. In this moment she felt nothing but betrayal.

  “About what?” Anna’s tone was kind.

  “His past, things I never would’ve believed.” She took a long breath and let it out slowly. “He made choices in his past that … that really hurt his first girlfriend.” She didn’t want to go too much into detail. “He talked to a Christian counselor, and Brad thinks he needs to apologize. Now … before we get married.” She felt the heat in her cheeks. The story coming from her was so foreign she didn’t recognize her voice. “He says he can’t get married until he makes things right.” She paused as long as she could. “He’s going back to North Carolina to find her.”

  By the looks on her friends’ faces, she might as well have told them she was joining the circus. The silence around her built until someone needed to say something. Nelly went first. “Wow. I think I’m in shock. Of all the guys …”

  “Why did he wait till now to tell you?” Megan put her hand on Laura’s shoulder. “I mean, couldn’t he have worked through this a year ago?”

  Laura felt void of any emotion but anger. “He says it didn’t hit him. Not until a week ago.”

  “Have you told your parents?” Bella Joy looked nervous at the idea. “They must’ve flipped.”

  “I didn’t tell them. You’re the only ones.”

  More silence. Anna shifted in her chair so she was facing Laura. “What’re you going to do?”

  Sorrow worked its way into the mix. “I don’t know. Brad doesn’t want to cancel the wedding. He says he’ll take care of this and come home. We can get married like everything’s fine.”

  “Is that how you feel?” Nelly’s tone was doubtful. “Because if he lied about that, who knows what else he’s lied about.”

  “Exactly.” Laura needed this, the chance to share what happened with her closest friends. “I told him I need time. I can’t decide yet.”

  “The whole thing sounds shady.” Nelly narrowed her eyes. “I have to be honest, I wouldn’t marry him. Not after what I went through in Nashville.”

  Anna frowned. “That’s hard.” She clearly wasn’t as one-sided as Nelly. “Maybe it’s good he’s being honest now.”

  “But he’s going back to her.” Nelly was amazed. “The writing’s on the wall, girls. It couldn’t be any clearer.”

  Laura nodded. Yes, she loved Brad. But that was the Brad she thought he was. Not this uncertain guy, a guy with a dark past and a desire to see his first love — for whatever reason.

  “Joey always says every story has two sides.” Megan seemed to choose her words carefully. The atmosphere in the room was already tense. “Maybe you’re right. You need time before you can make any decision.”

  “Either way, we’re sorry.” Bella Joy looked like she could cry. “This isn’t how the last weeks before your wedding should go.”

  They were silent again. Amy hadn’t said much, but now she gave Laura a sad look. “Everyone has a past. That’s the first thing that’s obvious when I meet someone. A lot of times that’s where our conversations start and end.”

  Laura hadn’t thought about that either. She pictured Amy meeting someone — at church, maybe. Going out for coffee and getting into a conversation. If she was honest, then pretty early on she needed to explain her situation. She’d been raped and she’d given birth to twin girls as a result. For a lot of guys looking for a nice Christian girl to take home to his parents, that would be the end of the story. Even though Amy wasn’t at fault.

  Bella Joy held her hands out to the others. “Let’s pray.” She looked at Laura. “We’re all here for you. Whatever you need, just call.”

  The others added their agreement. Nelly’s look said if Laura was even thinking about taking Brad back she should call. Nelly would set her straight. Laura wasn’t ready to think about any of it. But she was grateful to have the truth out in the open. The way Brad probably felt now. Anna led the prayer that night, asking God to grant all of them wisdom and kindness as the situation with Laura played out. “Help us — each of us — to apply what we’ve learned tonight to every area of our lives. And give Laura the comfort of knowing you’re with her, Father. Even in the darkest times, you’re with all of us.”

  Laura didn’t want to stay and talk with the others. She’d said all there was to say, and she needed to be alone to process their comments and prayers. But when she got home, she found her parents watching a Sandra Bullock movie, the lights low. If there’d been a way to slip by them without being noticed, she would’ve found it. There was none.

  “Hey there,” her dad was always happy. He sat a little higher in the cushy leather sofa. “How was Bible study?”

  “Great.” She smiled, not quite stopping as she walked past them. The house smelled warm and clean, a mix of cinnamon and vanilla. Laura tried to focus on how good it felt to be home, and not the turmoil in her soul, but her parents seemed to be waiting for more, so she nodded in their direction. “It was at Megan’s house.”

  “Honey,” her mom turned to face her. “I was hoping you might have a minute.”

  Laura’s heart raced in response. She stopped, her smile still in place. “Sure … what’s up?”

  “Well …” her mother seemed baffled, as if it was quite obvious what was up. They were in the final stages of planning a wedding for more than three hundred people. She released a nervous laugh. “I guess I’m wondering why we aren’t working on the wedding this week.”

  “To be honest, Brad’s been quieter than usual around the office.” Her dad wasn’t trying to pry. He was simply close enough to the situation to see when things weren’t quite normal. “Everything’s okay, right? With you two?”

  She hated lying. It was the very thing she was most upset with Brad about. “We’re working through some things.” Her smile held. “Nothing to worry about.”

  But even with her happy assurance, their expressions both became s
ubtly alarmed. “What could you possibly be working through?” Her mom slid to the edge of her seat, her brow furrowed. “You mean wedding details? That sort of thing?”

  Laura felt like crying. But she chuckled instead. “Something like that.”

  “Oh.” Relief filled her eyes. “At least you’re working it out.”

  “Brad mentioned needing Friday off, maybe spending Memorial Day weekend back in North Carolina.” Laura’s father frowned. “Everything okay with his parents?”

  “Definitely.” She found her smile again. “Just something he needs to do, I guess.”

  There. She hadn’t lied. But still she was exhausted from pretending everything was okay when her world was falling apart around her. “I’m kind of tired.” She went to them and kissed them each on the cheek. She loved them deeply. She needed them now more than ever — that part was as real as the air they breathed. “Good night.”

  Her father hesitated, but not for long. A smile spread across his face. “Four and a half weeks.” He touched his fingers to her face. “I’m so happy for you, honey.”

  Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked them back before he could notice. “Thank you, Daddy. You and Mom have been amazing.”

  “We always dreamed of this.” Her mom touched her arm. “You get some sleep. We’ll talk about favors later.”

  Much later, Laura thought. She gave them one last smile, hugged them both, and then headed for her room. She had told herself she’d look at the Bible verses again, ask God what He wanted her to take from that section of Scripture. But she was too worn out to do anything but brush her teeth and crawl into bed. She hadn’t talked to Brad more than a few times since Monday, but she knew this much: