A Thin Line

by Tammy Jo Burns

  “See what this is doing to me? I’m never sick. And now it hits me at the most random times. I think I’ve been hit in the head one too many times.”

  “Perhaps,” her aunt said. “Mikala, how long have you and Gabe been intimate?”

  “Since our wedding night. A little over two months.”

  “Has he done anything to prevent pregnancy?”

  “Yes, I insisted.”

  “Every time?”

  “No, not that first night.” Mikala lay in the cooling water as she thought about what Dru said. “You think I’m going to have a baby?”

  “I think it is a possibility. How long since your last courses?”

  Her eyes widened as she realized she hadn’t had them since shortly before her marriage. “No. It can’t be. I’m not ready to have a baby. I don’t know how to deal with babies. And look at Gabe and me. We fight more often than not. A baby should not be born into that.”

  “Calm down,” Tessa said. “We can learn together. And maybe it is just stress.”

  “You’re having a baby?” Mikala asked.

  “Yes.”

  “And you can come and help me with mine to get practice,” Dru reminded her.

  “No one can tell Gabe until I am certain. I could just be sick right? Or stress?” She heard the other two mumble their agreement, but they didn’t sound very supportive.

  “Please, let it be stress,” she prayed.

  ***

  Gabe drove the horse and buggy into the stables and dismissed the stable hands that would have unhitched the horse and put it away so that he could do it himself. He needed to expel pent up energy. He had begun to groom the horse when he heard two familiar throats clearing. Gabe paused, rested his head against the horse’s flank, and counted to twenty before starting the grooming process once more.

  “Our wives sent us out here,” Richard spoke up first. Silence.

  “My sister could cause a saint to lose patience.” Silence. “Maybe you should just send her to the country and forget about her. I am sure something could be done about the marriage. Then we can pawn her off on someone who doesn’t mind getting used goods.” Derek thought himself prepared for Gabe’s reaction, but still found himself pinned to the floor.

  “No one, but me. Do you understand? Not Southerby. Not Dewhurst. Not McKenzie. She’s mine!” Gabe growled.

  “I thought you boys had grown out of this,” another male voice intruded causing Derek and Gabe to separate and look sheepish. “I am sure neither of your wives would appreciate you having a black eye for the holiday. Son, take care of the horse while my new son-in-law and I have a talk. Now, Gabriel, why don’t you tell me why my daughter is crying.”

  Defeated, Gabe shrugged his shoulders and remained sitting on the floor of the barn. “I can’t seem to make her happy, Mr. Simmons. I want her to be happy. I want us to be happy, but I don’t know what to do.”

  “Have you told her you love her?”

  “No.”

  “You do know she has been in love with you for years?”

  “I suspected.”

  “Do you love her?”

  “I want to.”

  “But do you?”

  “I care for her. I want to protect her.”

  “But do you love her?”

  “How would I even know what that is, sir? My parents didn’t love each other. My father loved someone he wasn’t allowed to be with. My grandparents loved each other, but my grandfather was gone by the time I was born. My grandmother loves me and I her, but that is different. How do I know what love is between a husband and a wife?”

  “Well, son, it’s more than just tupping her every night.”

  “Papa!”

  “Well, it is, but at the same time, that plays a part. Can you keep your hands off her? You say you care for her. You want to protect her. What happens when another man looks at her? Do you care? What if something were to happen to her, and she was taken from you forever? What would you do?”

  “We fight all the time.”

  “Do you make up?”

  “Yes,” Gabe said, turning red in embarrassment.

  “Do you tell each other you are sorry?”

  “Rarely.”

  “Let me tell you something about my daughter. Mikala is hard-headed and stubborn. She knows what she wants, and she goes after it. You boys allowed her to play with you, and taught her all the things you knew how to do. You did her a disservice,” he raised his hand when Derek started to speak. “I am glad she knows how to do all that, but she is considered an oddity and perhaps even a freak by other women, even her own mother and sister. I love my daughter with all my heart, but there are others that do not know how to handle her. Mikala needs to be allowed her freedom, but she also needs to know that someone loves her for who and what she is. Don’t try and force her to become someone she can never be.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “But she thinks you do. I stopped by her room on my way down here and eavesdropped. She is very insecure about your relationship with Clarissa Blackerby. I hear it in her tone of voice. She fears that you will regret marrying her because she is not perfect in your eyes. Gabriel, her biggest fear is that you will find a mistress to love. That you will turn to someone else and set her aside.”

  “She said that?”

  “No, I heard it in her voice and what she didn’t say. Few know my daughter as well as I. She fears that sometime in the future she will lose you to another woman. A mistress, perhaps. Someone that will meet that perfection you think you must have.”

  “I would never do that to Mikala. Why, just the thought of her with someone else makes me angry enough to want to hurt them. I would never put her in that situation. I have told her she is what I want, that I am glad we were forced to marry.”

  “Son, I will leave you with this thought. You better decide soon whether or not you love her, because you stand a good chance of losing her forever. She will only allow you so long to play with her heart before she seals it off for good. I also would not use the word ‘forced’ when talking about marriage with her again. And Gabriel, I know you will never take a mistress, because if you do, it is not my daughter you have to worry about. I may be a tutor, but my father raised livestock and I do know how to castrate a sheep. I imagine it wouldn’t be much different for a man.” Michael Simmons stood up and clasped Gabe’s shoulder where he remained sitting on the floor. “Welcome to the family, son.”

  The three men watched the older man leave the stable and walk to the house, whistling.

  “I never,” Derek said, shaking his head.

  “Reminds me of the speech he gave me in regards to his baby sister,” Richard said, shifting uncomfortably.

  “I always thought him mild-mannered,” Gabe said, shaken.

  ***

  The visit passed quickly. Gabe and Kala shared a room and a bed, but did not touch the entire time they were there. Both had pressing matters they were attempting to work through in their minds. Mikala played with the children and she noticed even Gabe paying attention to the older children. Perhaps they could be good parents. If only they could talk to one another without fighting all the time.

  They were forgiven for not bringing presents, and enjoyed watching the children open theirs. Tessa announced the impending arrival of her and Derek’s baby to the group. Mikala watched enviously as her mother engulfed Tessa in her arms. Why couldn’t her mother hug her openly like that? Christmas afternoon, a light snowfall had begun and the children begged to go outside until Dru finally gave in. The men took them outside while the women stayed inside. Kala found herself itching to join the lively group and went to her room to retrieve a cloak.

  She heard the door shut and saw her mother standing in front of the closed door, blocking her way.

  “I was just going to go out with the children.”

  “We need to talk first.”

  “No, we don’t, Mother.”

  “Yes, Mikala Ann Simmons, we most certa
inly do.”

  “Hawke.”

  “Pardon?”

  “My name is now Mikala Ann Hawke.”

  “So, it is. Mikala Ann Hawke sit your rump down in that chair. I have some things to say to you and you are going to listen. First of all, I want you to know that I love you. I don’t always know how to deal with you, but I love you. I suspect I gave my mother similar fits growing up. I was much like you, I climbed trees, rode horses. Oh, Mother would get so angry with me.”

  “I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell me this before? Mother, I am twenty-five years old. I knew you loved me, I just didn’t know that you loved me, if that makes any sense at all.”

  “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. Stubborness. Pride. Perhaps, deep down, I wanted you to have the freedom to be whoever you turned out to be. Mikala, I love you and am so proud of you. Your father and I had a long talk last night. Did you know he had a talk with Gabriel?”

  “No,” Mikala looked horrified.

  “He had a similar talk with Richard when he married Dru. Honey, we are all worried about you. Neither of you look happy. You’ve lost weight. Gabriel looks angry all the time. What can we do?”

  “Mama, you can’t make him love me. And there are so many complications. I just don’t know if we will ever be happy like you and Papa.”

  “Marriage isn’t easy. Your father and I have had our battles, and I am sure you and Gabriel will have many more as strong-willed as you both are. One of you will have to be strong enough to take the first step and admit your love for the other.”

  “He won’t do it. I don’t even know that he loves me.”

  “Then you will have to be the strong one.”

  “I am tired of being the strong one.”

  “One more time, love.”

  “Mama,” Mikala cried and threw her arms around the older woman. She talked about all her worries and insecurities, including Dru’s suspicions of a pregnancy, until she couldn’t talk anymore. Her mother held her, offered advice and simply told her over and over how much she loved her. Kala felt a peace she had not felt in quite some time.

  ***

  Later that afternoon Kala lay in bed waiting for her husband to come upstairs. Upon her mother’s advice, she had stayed up here and gotten herself under control. Her mother had told her she had to be strong, but she just didn’t know if she felt strong enough. She gently rubbed a hand back and forth over her still flat stomach wondering if she did indeed carry the next Duke of Hawkescliffe. Perhaps she would have a girl just to spite everyone. She didn’t feel quite as scared about the thought of a baby, but still found herself wishing for more time.

  The bedroom door opened and quickly shut. Her husband entered, his teeth chattering.

  “Those little hellions of Dru and Richard’s. What little snow there is, they packed into balls and would stuff them down our shirts.”

  “Did you get them back?” She asked, turning on her side to watch him warm himself in front of the fire.

  “No, they’re children.”

  “That’s your first mistake. When it comes to a snowball fight, war is declared on all parties, regardless of the age.”

  “Well, your father did roll them in it.”

  “See, Papa knows how it’s done.”

  “I thought perhaps you would come out and play.”

  “I started to, but something came up.”

  “Kala, why are you in bed? You’re not feeling poorly again, are you?”

  “No, just a little tired. Mother and I had a long talk. That is why I didn’t come outside.”

  “Did she upset you?”

  “No. Everything is more than fine. Why don’t you undress and come to bed and get warm.”

  “Supper.”

  “They will let us know so we can get ready. I assure you, there are other men in this house getting warmed up as well.”

  “Mikala Ann.”

  “Well, there are,” she teased, a twinkle in her eyes. She watched in appreciation as he quickly undressed before sprinting across the room to the bed. “You know what my best Christmas present was this year?”

  “What?”

  “My sight. Because now I get to look my fill of you.” He crawled beneath the covers and pulled her into his arms. “My, you are cold all over.”

  “Almost all over,” he growled before devouring her mouth.

  Chapter 33

  The next morning, they left for London after saying goodbye to everyone. The openness of the phaeton made the trip chilly, but also gave the couple a reason to be close. They stopped at an inn midway when an icy rain began to fall. When it didn’t appear to be stopping, they decided to spend the night. There had been a dozen occasions in which Mikala could have told him how she felt, but her insecurities kept getting in the way.

  The innkeeper’s wife showed them to their room upstairs. This inn catered to more people than that of the Simm’s, and Mikala found she missed the smaller, more intimate inn. This one teemed with strangers, and while she usually enjoyed meeting new people, she found of late she preferred the company of Gabe alone. Perhaps that would change as their marriage lengthened.

  “I have decided something has to be done about my mother,” Gabriel began after the innkeeper’s wife left them.

  “You have?”

  “Yes. She can’t keep harassing my wife and not face repurcussions.”

  “She is your mother.”

  “She gave me life, but she has never acted like a mother. She passed me off to nannies, governesses, and my grandmother. She never wanted anything to do with a child.”

  “I see.”

  “I fear her mental stability. I will not see her put in Bedlam, but I will try to find a place where she can live in comfort and not hurt herself or others.”

  “Thank you, Gabe. I know that this is difficult for you.” They remained silent for some time. He watched the fire crackle in the fireplace and she watched the people coming and going out the window. “I need you to know that I may have male friends in my life, like Justin and Mack, but that is all they are. Friends. You are my husband. Can you understand that?”

  “I think so. I am still not happy about it, but I understand.”

  “I also want you to know that I am not Clarissa Blackerby. I will probably never be a perfect duchess. I can almost guarantee that I will make some matron of society angry at some point. I am a hoyden, and I enjoy it. I find that I like society, but I also like spending time in the country hunting and riding.”

  “Mikala, I wouldn’t have you any other way. Yes, if we are being perfectly honest, I thought I might marry Clarissa at one time. But there was something very important missing between us. She did not stir the passion in me that you do. You make me crazy at times, but I can’t imagine my life without you in it. If I had married Clarissa, you and I could not have been friends any longer.”

  “Why not?”

  “I have realized that I could not have stood to see you and then be expected to turn to her every night.”

  It was the closest he had come to admitting any sort of feelings for her.

  “You would have been bored,” Mikala quipped, attempting to lighten the mood.

  “Without a doubt,” he watched her stand and cross the room, walking towards him. “Mikala, I…”

  “Shhh,” she reached him, placing her fingers over his lips. “You don’t have to give me what you’re not ready too.” She sat and straddled his hips, her skirts settling around them. She reached between them and he moaned. “I do know something I want that you are more than ready to give me.”

  “Mikala, you are my world,” he moaned, before capturing her lips. Kala’s heart tripped a little at the words. He had not given a proclamation of love, but it was so very close. And she realized they had had a conversation that did not result in a fight. They were improving every day.

  ***

  The next day a weak sun shone through the clouds. Deciding to press on while the rain held off, they set of
f for the last leg of their trip to London. They came to a place where they were forced to take a different route due to a bridge being washed out. The road became rather rough and Mikala had a bad feeling.

  “I think we should turn around,” Mikala whispered.

  “I don’t like this either.” Gabe stopped the horse and began trying to turn him around when they heard the sound of an approaching rider. She saw Gabe reach for something and he came back with a gun in his hand.

  “Well, now, isn’t this a precious sight. The Duke and his whore. I’ll take her now if you please, Your Grace. Me boss and your wife have some unfinished business.”

  “I don’t believe so,” Gabe said, easing himself between Mikala and the stranger.

  “Be careful,” she whispered in his ear. She felt the weight of the gun as he hid it in the folds of her dress.

  “Did Dewhurst put you up to this?” She inquired.

  “You just shut your bloody mouth. He said I could have a taste of you after he did. We’ll have fun, we will. Your Grace, just leave that gun out in the open that you’ve hidden in the mistress’ skirts. There you go,” he said as Gabriel set the gun on Mikala’s lap. “You wouldn’t want to do anything stupid and risk your life or your lovely wife’s now, would ye?”

  Gabe raised his hands, cursing himself for becoming so lax. He should have known that the man would try something when they least expected it.

  “As you know, my wife cannot see. Tell me what you want.”

  “I already have. Me boss and your wife have unfinished business.”

  “I don’t think so,” Kala lifted the gun and shot the man. He screamed and she heard a returning pop sound followed by a curse in her husband’s deep voice. Kala saw the man lying on the ground, blood pouring from a bullet wound in his chest.

  “Gabe, are you all right?”

  “Fine,” he bit out.

  “Gabe, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Have you been hit?”

  “Just get me home.”

  She put her arms around him and leaned her head against him. She felt something wet on her hand and felt his body stiffen. Kala pulled back and lifted her hand. Red covered her fingers and the coppery smell of blood permeated the air.