Joy for Mourning

by Dorothy Clark

  A man nodded in his direction. Thad returned the polite greeting and urged his horse to pick up the pace. This was the part of Sunday he didn’t like. It was hard watching the families go home when all that awaited him was a cold meal and an empty house. Maybe he’d go check on Martha Bauer—her cough was getting worse.

  “You missed a good sermon today.”

  Laina glanced at her brother, laid aside her fork and reached for her cider. “I’m certain there will be others.” It was the most polite way she could think of to say she was not interested.

  “Yes. But this one was stimulating.” Justin cut a bite off the thick slice of roast pork on his plate and dipped it in his apple-raisin sauce. “The core message was that the purpose and result of freedom in Christ is service.” He paused with the meat halfway to his mouth and glanced at her, his eyes holding a silent dare for her to question or challenge him. She remained quiet. “Does that not sound like a paradox?” He put the pork into his mouth.

  Laina refused to be drawn by his question. The best way to end this conversation was to agree with him. “Yes. I suppose it does.” There! She ignored the flash of disappointment in Justin’s eyes and took a bit of mashed potatoes onto her fork.

  “Ah, but it’s not.”

  Her brother’s quiet comment brought a sigh up clear from her toes. Laina resigned herself to her fate. Justin wasn’t going to give up. She would hear about the sermon whether she wanted to or not. Irritation rippled through her. She stabbed a piece of meat. When had he become so enamored of God again?

  “As Pastor Brown pointed out, God does not call us to the fullness of life in Him simply for ourselves, though we obviously reap the benefits of such a life.” Justin leaned toward her. “Rather, freedom in Christ enables us to become and do all that He made us capable of being and doing when He created us. It sets us free from our own selfishness.” He leaned back and shook his head. “It’s amazing.”

  Laina breathed a sigh of relief. Thank heaven that was over. Now perhaps—

  “And Jesus Himself is our example. He said, ‘For their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified.’”

  Laina tensed as Justin leaned forward again, his gaze fastened on hers. What was he doing? He knew how she felt about God! Though that didn’t seem to matter. He was still droning on.

  “Jesus did nothing for Himself. It was all for us. Including suffering death on the cross so we might be free to choose to live in heaven forever with Him.”

  A shiver ran up Laina’s spine, spread throughout her body. Justin’s words brought back that moment fifteen years ago when she had given herself to the Lord. She looked down at her plate to break eye contact with him. She still believed in her salvation through Jesus. It was only the other things preached from the pulpit—answered prayer, God’s blessings in this life here on earth—she didn’t believe. She knew from her own experience those things weren’t true, and in her estimation it was cruel for those in the pulpit to give people false hope.

  Anger chased the shiver away. From the corner of her eye Laina saw Justin relax back against his chair. Evidently he was through preaching at her. Good! She couldn’t—wouldn’t—listen to any more. Not even for Justin. And she really didn’t want to walk away from his table.

  Laina drew a deep, relaxing breath and seized the opportunity to change the subject. She forced a light note into her voice. “I had a lovely time with the children while you were gone. Sarah and I had a tea party.” She looked at her sister-in-law and smiled. “Elizabeth, you must tell me the story behind those dishes….”

  Thad pumped water into the trough, forked fresh hay into the rack and spread more on the floor. “All ready for you, Faithful.” He opened the door and stepped aside as his horse gave a soft whicker, walked into the stall and stuck his muzzle in the trough to get a drink.

  “It’s been a hard day, boy.” Thad thumped Faithful on the shoulder, then picked up the brush and began to groom him. For long minutes he brushed the horse, emptying his mind of the stressful events of the day, concentrating on the munching sound of the animal eating hay, the soft swish of the brush against the warm, muscular body. By the time he finished, the tightness in his chest had lessened, the tension between his shoulder blades had eased.

  He smoothed out Faithful’s mane and forelock, worked a tangle out of the gelding’s long silver tail, then put down the brush, grabbed the old towel hanging over the stall wall and began to rub him down. The horse turned his head and gave him a gentle nudge. Thad laughed and rubbed the velvety muzzle. “Feels good, does it?”

  Faithful whickered and nudged him again. “All right. All right…I’m done.” Thad walked into the grain box, scooped up a measure of oats, mixed in a little bran and went back to pour it into the wood manger. “There you are, fellow. If you’re lucky, we won’t get called out tonight and you’ll have time to eat it.” He gave the horse a last affectionate pat and walked to the carriage to get his bag. His stomach rumbled.

  Thad grinned and gave his flat abdomen a swat with his free hand. Its turn would come. He shut the barn door and headed for his cold, dark house. If he remembered right, there was bread left from the supper Mrs. Harding had fixed yesterday. And maybe some cheese or apple butter…

  Chapter Five

  The children! She had to help them! Laina flopped onto her back as the children floated at her out of the darkness. Her arms flailed out into space, her hands grasping at the air. There were too many—she couldn’t catch them all.

  “Somebody help me!”

  Laina jerked upright, her heart pounding. The dream was so real she swept her gaze around the surrounding shadows of the bedroom, half expecting to find children hiding in the dark corners where the moonlight from the windows didn’t reach. Of course, there was no one there. She gave her head a quick shake to rid herself of the residue of anxiety the dream had left behind. How odd that it kept coming back.

  Laina sighed and climbed out of bed, pulling on her new peacock-blue dressing gown as she walked to the window. Was her desire for children becoming an obsession? She’d heard of women’s minds going queer over such things.

  A shiver raced down her spine. Laina wrapped her arms about herself and stared out into the night. Being around Sarah, Mary and baby James these past few weeks hadn’t eased her longing for children as she had expected—it had increased it. And watching Justin and Elizabeth together made her ache with a desire to experience a love such as theirs.

  Laina clenched her hands into fists and glared up at the night sky. “If You’re an all-powerful God, You could have answered my prayers, Lord. You could have given me children and a love like Justin and Elizabeth’s. Instead You took Stanford from me.” Hot tears stung her eyes. “At least with Stanford I had companionship. Now I’m alone. I have nothing!”

  The tears overflowed and poured down her cheeks. Laina spun away from the window, her chest so tight with hurt she couldn’t breathe. She swiped the tears from her cheeks and forced air into her lungs. Very well. If that was the way God wanted it, so be it! She would live her life alone.

  “What a gorgeous April day!” Elizabeth spread her arms and twirled around in the sunshine. “We have come to the end of the cold, gray days of winter, Laina.”

  “One can hope.”

  “Now, that’s a gloomy remark.” Elizabeth shot her one of those assessing looks.

  Laina cringed inwardly. She hadn’t meant to let her dismal outlook slip through her cheery facade. “Pay me no mind, Elizabeth. I’m tired.”

  The question in Elizabeth’s eyes turned to concern. “Are you still not sleeping well?”

  Should she tell her about the dream? No. It would serve no purpose. Laina shook her head and walked toward the pavilion being cleaned by the servants in preparation for summer. “Better…but not well.”

  “I wish there was something we could do.”

  “So do I, Elizabeth—fervently so!” Laina forced a smile to mask the need in her words. She hated herself
for feeling so helpless. “But there is nothing beyond the love and comfort you and Justin have extended by sharing your home, your children and your lives with me. You’ve been wonderful.” She sucked in a deep breath and forced out the words she didn’t want to speak. “Unfortunately, my life is what it is—and I must learn to live it. I’m going back to New York.”

  “New York?” Elizabeth grasped her arm. “But Laina, dear, why? It’s only been a few weeks and we love having you with us. The children—”

  “I shall miss them dreadfully! And you and Justin, as well.” Tears smarted in Laina’s eyes. She blinked them away.

  “Then don’t go. Stay with us. Please.”

  Laina shook her head. “I have to go back.”

  “Why? What awaits you in New York?”

  Justin’s deep voice made them both jump and spin to face him. Laina’s throat constricted. “Nothing, dearheart.”

  “Then why…?”

  “Because of that!”

  Justin’s gaze traveled in the direction of Laina’s pointing finger. “I don’t understand.”

  “I believe it’s the new growth, Justin.” Elizabeth indicated the tiny tips of folded green leaves that were breaking through the cold brown soil of the garden beds.

  Justin frowned. “Is that it, Laina? The flowers? I don’t understand.” He took her by the arm and led her to the bench beside the path. “Now tell me, what have flowers to do with you going back to New York?”

  Laina squared her shoulders and cleared her throat of the lump that was threatening to choke her. “The flowers are starting to live again. Look around you, Justin. Everything is coming to life again—new life after a cold, dark winter. I have to do the same.” She took a deep breath and turned her head to look at him. “Don’t you see, dearheart, I can’t borrow your life any longer. No matter how painful it is, I have to live mine.”

  Justin sucked in a deep breath, squeezed her hands so tightly she thought her bones would break, then jumped to his feet and began to pace along the brick walk. Laina’s heart hurt for him. It was another reason to go back to New York—she had brought him pain. She took refuge from all the hurt in anger. Do what You please to me, Lord, but spare my brother any anguish over my situation. He trusts You.

  “All right.”

  She looked up as Justin spoke.

  “All right, Laina, I’ll accept that.” He moved close to her. “But why must you live your life in New York? Why not here in Philadelphia, where you will be close to us?”

  “Yes. Why not, Laina, dear?” Elizabeth took Justin’s place on the bench beside her. “Surely you can—”

  “I’ve got it!” Justin slammed his fist into his other palm with such force the resulting crack of sound made Laina jump. He grinned down at her. “I have the solution.”

  “Oh, dearheart, there isn’t a solu—”

  “Twiggs Manor!” Justin’s grin widened. “I’ll give you Abigail’s house. That way, you can live your own life and be close to us at the same time.”

  Laina stared at him.

  “Justin, it’s perfect!” Elizabeth squeezed Laina’s hand. “You will do it, Laina, won’t you? You will come live in Twiggs Manor?”

  “Well, I don’t know…it’s— I had thought of…” Laina shook her head. She was not making sense. She looked up at her brother.

  He stared down at her. “Say yes, Lainy. It’s the right thing to do.”

  There was absolute certainty in his face and voice. “All right—yes!”

  Justin laughed and leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Good! Everything’s going to be all right—heart’s promise.”

  With his arms around her, she almost believed him.

  A small thrill of excitement zipped through Thad as he glanced down at the letter in his hand. He hadn’t expected Dr. Bettencourt’s answer to his letter for at least another week. It must have come from Paris by packet. Probably on the ship that had sailed into port today. Fortunately for him, Justin Randolph’s captains were a courageous bunch who outsailed the captains of other lines and vied amongst themselves for the best crossing time.

  Thad tucked the missive into his waistcoat pocket, climbed into his buggy and picked up the reins. He grinned as the gelding pricked his ears, listening for instructions. “Let’s go home, boy.” The horse moved forward at once.

  Thad relaxed back against the seat to rest while he was able. He’d had a busy morning and, if past performance was any indication, he’d have a busy evening. Most of the sailors he’d come in contact with headed straight for the waterfront grog shops when released from their duties aboard ship. In a short time, the liquor they consumed turned them into drunk, boisterous men ready to fight at the slightest provocation. That’s where he came in. The sailors sober enough to walk would drag their hurt mates to his house and he would spend hours splinting broken bones, stitching and bandaging knife wounds and generally caring for the bruised and battered conditions of those still alive.

  Thad sat up a little straighter and patted the letter in his pocket. At least he could try some of the new theories on the sailors. Justin Randolph was a progressive thinker who believed in Thad’s theories on cleanliness and fresh air in the sickroom. It was a shame Justin couldn’t convince his friends.

  Thad sighed. What good did it do to correspond with the French doctors who were leading the way in practicing diagnostic medicine, when he couldn’t get his patients to allow him to try the new practices on them? Why couldn’t he make people believe that bleeding, cupping and blistering only made them weaker?

  Movement caught his eye as the buggy approached Walnut Street. Thad frowned and glanced to his left. What was going on at Twiggs Manor? Servants were scrubbing the porch and front steps. Men were perched on ladders washing windows and cleaning the shutters. Had someone bought the place?

  There was a flash of color. Thad craned his neck and looked toward the side entrance, but the large maple trees on the corner blocked his view. He caught a brief glimpse of a slender, dark-haired woman in a bright green dress descending the stairs and then he was across the intersection and the house was no longer visible.

  Thad faced front again. He’d hear soon enough if he had a new neighbor. Right now, all he wanted was to get home and read his letter before someone came knocking on his door with some sort of emergency.

  “Mrs. Barnes, Mrs. Brighton wants you in the parlor.”

  “All right, Tilly.” Grace Barnes scanned the group of servants Tilly had joined in the drawing room. “Fitz, you and John carry these rugs outside and beat them clean. Tilly, dust and wax the furniture, then clean and polish the fireplace tools and fender. Sally, you clean the chandeliers.”

  Grace Barnes placed her fisted hands on her hips and watched as the maid began climbing the ladder with flannel cleaning rags draped over her shoulder and a bucket dangling from her hand. “Did you add a good splash of vinegar to that water?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “All right, then. When you’re through with the chandeliers, do the glass doors on the corner cabinets, then wash the windows.” Grace Barnes headed for the door, then turned back again. “When you’ve finished your tasks in here, move on to the library and do the same.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  The chorus of assent followed the housekeeper as she hurried out the door, across the large entrance hall and into the parlor. “You wished to see me, madam?”

  “Yes.” Laina looked up from the paper in her hand. “The servants from Randolph Court are here. I sent them upstairs. Please go assign them their tasks.”

  “Yes, madam.”

  “And have one of them gather all the bed curtains, linens, testers and window drapery and take them to the Chinese laundry downtown. With all we have to do, even with the loan of my brother’s servants, we shall be overwhelmed if we do not make use of the laundry’s services.”

  “Yes, madam. I’ll attend to it immediately.” The housekeeper turned to go and almost bumped into Elizabeth. “Good day, Mrs
. Randolph.” She stepped aside to let Elizabeth pass, then hurried from the room.

  “Elizabeth! I wasn’t expecting you to come over.” Laina smiled. “This must mean Sarah is feeling better.”

  “Yes, she’s fine. I suspect her stomach upset was caused by too much candy.” Elizabeth shook her head and smiled. “And I’m certain I know the culprit. I shall have a talk with Justin tonight.” She laughed and looked around.

  “How wonderful to see this room restored.” Elizabeth brushed her hand over the blue silk brocade fabric covering a couch placed at a right angle to the paneled wall graced by a marble fireplace at its center. The couch faced a pair of chairs with padded seats covered in blue, magenta and cream stripes. There was a piecrust tea table between the chairs. “I like the way you’ve placed the furniture. It’s very inviting.”

  “Thank you. Would you care to sit down?” Laina laughed and looked about. “I’m afraid this is the only room at the moment where that is possible. And my abilities as a hostess are severely limited.” She gave Elizabeth a wry look. “I can offer you a cup of tea.”

  Elizabeth shook her head. “Don’t fuss, Laina. I didn’t come to be entertained. I came to see if there is anything more we can do to help. And to see the progress you’re making. I love this house. It’s exciting to watch it coming to life again.”

  “Then would you care to join me on a short tour? I was about to take one myself.” Laina smiled. “If I’m to take Abigail’s place as the head of Philadelphia society everything must be perfect.” She led the way out into the entrance hall, turned right and walked a short way to the dining room. “Oh, they’ve finished!” She stepped through the doorway, then stopped at Elizabeth’s gasp.