Shadows 04 Canyon Shadows

by K C West

  “That sounds like a good idea.” I could tell my stepmother was still in her professional persona. “It’s important that she not be left alone with her thoughts, even if she tells you she prefers it. In the meantime, let me see what I can line up for you both in the way of professional counseling right there in Santa Fe.”

  “I’d appreciate that, and I’ll do my best. You and Dad have a safe trip back to Lesvos. Give our love to Sandy and Irini. I imagine she’s locked into the wedding countdown by now. I’ll call you in a day or two and let you know where I’m staying. In the meantime I have my cell phone and my laptop. I’ll be reachable.”

  After we’d said our good-byes, I tuned the clock radio to KBOM-FM for some background music and kicked off my sandals. When the dull throbbing in my head increased to a constant ache, I padded into the bathroom for some painkillers.

  “Got any plans to cap off this bitch of a day?” I asked my reflection in the bathroom mirror. My stomach growled in response. “Crap. I knew there was something I forgot to do.” I remembered seeing a local deli’s menu among the phone book, notepaper, and Bible in the bedside table drawer. Taking advantage of the free delivery promised within a three mile radius, I ordered a grilled chicken wrap, fruit salad, and a large iced tea. Then, I pulled back the bedcovers and slipped the blanket over my legs.

  “Oh, shit.” Some sickly sweet love song came on the radio. I clicked it off, wishing I could control the pain in my heart as easily.

  *

  What do I do now? Should I really burden Gina with my troubles again? Her business card was in my wallet. The last time we had talked was over breakfast when I’d told her my suspicions about her being an Amazon warrior. I don’t think she completely believed that the fact she sensed the heat of the medallions identified her as a sister Amazon. With luck, her spirit guide would show up sooner rather than later to clinch the deal. I’d done my part by telling her what I’d learned from my experiences, and maybe by telling her that I’d doubted it for a long time would help her see it was okay to question the whole Amazon concept. In time, though, the doubts would dissipate. Amazons don’t take no for an answer.

  I didn’t expect her to change her normal routine as a law enforcement officer. I wouldn’t want her to, but it’d be nice to have her as a friend now that Kim preferred to wallow in her own solitary and depressing world.

  I turned her business card over in my hand a time or two. Gina had said to stay in touch, that she’d probably have more questions about the Amazon mumbo-jumbo, as she called it. She’d reminded me to call if I had any problems. I never expected to have problems of this kind, but I sure could use a friendly voice about now. Before I lost my nerve, I picked up the phone.

  “Gina? It’s PJ Curtis.”

  “Hey lady. I’ve been thinking of calling you and Kim. How’s it going?”

  “Not well, Gina, not well at all. We’ve split up.”

  “Oh, no, not you two. I’m so sorry to hear that.”

  “Yeah. It’s a bitch, to say the least.”

  “So, where are you? Did you go back east?”

  “No, I’m still here in Santa Fe. I’m staying in a motel. It all happened so suddenly.”

  “Hey, if you need a place to stay, we have a cottage on the property. It’s one of those mother-in-law types. We usually rent it out to students, but it’s vacant now. You’re welcome to stay there. It’s nothing elegant, but it’s more comfortable than a motel.”

  “Oh, no. I couldn’t impose on you like that. I just wanted to hear a friendly voice and maybe get some advice.”

  “You’ve got that regardless. And, seriously, we’d love to have you stay for as long as you need to. If it makes you feel better, you can pay something to cover the utilities, but you really don’t have to. And the advice will be free of charge.”

  “That’s a very tempting offer.”

  “You’d be doing me a favor. The boys are at summer camp. I’m working days, and Mike is away at a seminar in Phoenix until Sunday, so there’s just me and Rosco rattling around this place in the evenings.”

  “Rosco?”

  “Our four-legged, food-guzzling, mangy mongrel. He’s totally spoiled and worthless as a watchdog, but the kids love him.”

  “He sounds darling, but I planned to get the cats as soon as I was settled. Maybe that wouldn’t work.”

  “They’re indoor cats, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “No problem then. They can stay with you in the cottage. I’ll make sure that Rosco’s either in the house or in the fenced yard.”

  I took a deep breath. “You make it sound so easy.”

  “It is easy. And it’s all settled. Just pick up a pen and paper and let me give you directions.”

  We decided I’d arrive at noon the next day. Gina would take an extra hour at lunch to help get me settled. My headache started to ease just about the time my dinner arrived. I put in a call to Little Bird and Jasper, asking them to keep an eye on Kim for me. They were upset to learn why I was asking, but I assured them I’d remain in the area, and I’d find a way to break down the wall Kim had erected between us. We had the perfect relationship. One life, the shaman or Holy Girl had called it. Kim had taken our precious one life and blasted it apart.

  I didn’t dare dwell on the subject too long or the pain would wipe me out. I picked up the television remote and turned on the news, resolving to focus on someone else’s misery for a while. Not too much was happening in our little corner of the world. The area was unseasonably dry and heading toward a full-fledged drought. A couple of DUI induced car accidents, and a bank robbery that an alert citizen thwarted made the headlines. All in all, there weren’t too many problems here in Santa Fe.

  Only the end of a beautiful relationship.

  But if I had anything to say about it, the problem was only temporary.

  Chapter 29

  Day after day I paced through the rooms at the ranch. The realization of what I’d done lay heavily on my mind, creating a mountain of guilt and sorrow. I hadn’t powered up the computer or opened a book. How could I, feeling the way I did? How could I appreciate the beauty above me, in front of me, behind me, and below me? And no amount of Little Bird’s Navajo coaxing could make me.

  Little Bird had told me that PJ wasn’t far away, but it was several weeks before she drove up to the back door of the ranch in a rented van.

  “I’ve come to pack up my things,” she said, folding her arms across her chest.

  “I see that.” As quickly as I could, I sought refuge in the study, and later, when she came into that room, I tried to get out of her way.

  “I’ve left some boxes in the barn. I’ve asked Jasper to pack up my books, and I’ll let him know as soon as I know what to do with them.”

  I nodded, fighting the longing to take her into my arms and beg forgiveness.

  “I’ve arranged for some temporary housing.”

  “Okay.”

  She stared at me as if unsure whether to continue. “And I packed up Cleo and Jackie. They’re in the van, but they’re not happy about it.”

  That makes three of us, then.

  “Having them with me will ease my mind. You need time to get better and now Little Bird will have to take care of you.”

  “I’ll manage.”

  She chewed her lip. “You’ll have Pup to keep you company. But, if he becomes too much work for you, I’ll come get him, too.”

  “We’ll be fine.”

  “Okay, but in the event you need to contact me, use my cell phone number, or call Gina Esperanza. I’m staying in the cottage on their property.”

  “You should go back to Boston.”

  “I haven’t decided yet what I’m going to do, but I want to stay around here. I haven’t given up on us just yet.”

  A heavy blanket of silence enveloped us.

  PJ looked beyond me to my desk. “Do you still want that picture of me?”

  I stared at the photo, unable to tell her that I want
ed it, that I hoped she would leave it so I would have her image to warm my dark and empty soul. The words clogged my throat.

  “Maybe I’ll leave it here a little longer.”

  I nodded, keeping my expression neutral to cover my relief.

  I was seized with the urge to make myself scarce, and I turned to leave.

  “Kim.” Her voice was softer, more tentative now.

  “Yes?” I forced myself to look into her puffy, red-rimmed eyes. Mine probably looked just as bad.

  “Whatever I did… I’m sorry.”

  I turned away abruptly, found my cane, and stumbled out the back door. Pup trotted along beside me.

  “Oh, PJ, I can’t take this. I’ve got to get out of here, or I’ll lose my nerve.”

  Pup and I climbed a hillside and sat where some brush concealed us. He whined, looked at me, and made a restless move toward the house. “Okay, fella. Go say good-bye.” I watched him make a beeline for the back door. I could hear him barking until PJ came out and kneeled to hug him, burying her face in his shoulder.

  “PJ!” I dropped my cane and started running down the hill. “Wait!” Still unsteady, I fell headlong, skinning my hands and scratching my right cheek. I was too late. By the time I got to my feet, she’d started the van and was pulling away. I sat down again and wiped my bleeding hands on my shirt. I no longer cared about what happened to me or my clothing.

  Pup lay on the verandah, nose on his front paws, staring at the road as he often had when one of us was away, patiently waiting to greet us when we returned. He seemed aware that this time was different, that PJ had gone and wasn’t coming back. She was no longer a part of his life, our lives. I half-walked, half-crawled the rest of the way to his side. When I bent to pet his wise old head, he remained motionless. He wasn’t that old, but he seemed to possess the wisdom of the ages. “You’re going to miss her, aren’t you, boy?”

  He regarded me sorrowfully, his eyes rolling upward.

  “So will I, buddy. So will I.”

  PJ had taken her clothes, her Georgia O’Keeffe painting, her CD player, and her collection of music. She left no word to say how we should dispose of the furniture and other household items we’d purchased together.

  When I entered the study, I was struck with the finality of the situation. Her PC was gone and her desk was empty and a Post-It note was stuck where the oak-framed picture of me had been:

  I’d like to keep your picture with me. Love, PJ… the cockeyed optimist.

  I smiled at that.

  *

  I was totally alone. Little Bird and Jasper had left for a three day excursion to visit her family and attend some kind of Navajo festival. They’d hesitated, but I assured them I’d manage.

  I went to the kitchen and put food and water in Pup’s bowls. I thought about making coffee or a cup of tea before working on my computer. The chapter for Glenna was finished. All of the manuscript was at her editor’s now and her wrist was much improved.

  No deadlines. No lectures. No hunger or thirst. No reason to be up and walking around. I found my pain medication, downed a few capsules with a cup of water and returned to the bedroom.

  Feeling tired and a little dizzy, I peeled back the bedcovers and crawled in.

  When I next opened my eyes, it was broad daylight and Pup was staring at me. I had no idea how long I’d slept or what day it was. He licked my face.

  “Hey, cut that out.”

  His response was a plaintive whine. “You can go outside by yourself. Go on.”

  He started to the door and then came back and sat watching me.

  “Oh, for crying out loud. Okay, I’ll get up. Hang on.”

  I was still fully clothed and needed to pee and shower, but I walked with Pup to the kitchen and put more food and water in his dishes. A feeling of deja vu washed over me.

  My dizziness had stopped and I actually felt hungry. I watched Pup gobble his chow and take a long drink.

  When I checked my watch, the little date window indicated I had been out of it for a full day. How had that happened? I shuffled into the bathroom and reeled at the sight of my image in the mirror. I felt better after showering and washing and brushing my hair. Dressed in clean clothing, I wandered back to the kitchen. Pup was not there. He’d probably used the doggie door to go outside.

  My gaze landed on Jackie and Cleo’s empty dishes. Tears welled up and spilled down my cheeks as I remembered where they were and why. PJ believed I was incapable of loving them and even doubted my capacity to love and care for Pup. I guess she was justified. She probably figured my love for her had been nothing but a passing fling. How wrong she was.

  I’d done what I set out to do. I’d pushed her out of my life. What a pathetic human specimen I’d become in the process. In my heart, I still believed it was the right thing to do for her, but why then did it hurt so much?

  *

  Day by day, my strength returned. I took long, lonely walks with Pup, sometimes in the valley, but more often in the foothills and the mountains. One day, I packed a lunch and drove to our favorite picnic spot. Once there, I lay on the ground and cried.

  Oh, PJ, it’s so beautiful up here, but I can’t begin to appreciate it with you gone from my life. There’s no color for me anymore. It’s as if I live in a monochromatic world now. The pine trees and flowers have no scent. There’s no music in the wind, no sunshine, no moonlight. Having you in my life made everything bright and sunny. You said something about one life when I was in the hospital and I didn’t really understand what you meant. I do now. You and I together… we made one life, but not anymore.

  I don’t know what to do. If I admitted I was a fool, could you forgive me? Do you still love me?

  Forever and always, we used to say.

  What have I done to us, PJ?