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Out of My Depth

Page 22

by Gwenyth Clare Lynes


  The episode, too, had given her pause for thought with regard to her spiritual well being. Where was God when she needed Him? A question she had asked so many times was answered quite distinctly through this near tragedy; He was there all the time. She’d looked for Him in the wrong place and at times not looked for Him at all.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  A number of months afterwards, as the balmy days of summer embraced the village with their warmth, Jansy sat on a rustic bench in the tranquil setting of the garden at Bakers absorbing the stillness and serenity of that place. She had taken time off sick following her escapade in the harbour then, after further deliberation and discussion with her parents, decided to hand in her notice at the hospital.

  “When you feel well enough the position of practice nurse is still vacant if you care to give it some consideration,” her father suggested.

  A small sigh escaped her lips as her eyes gazed at the loveliness surrounding her. She wasn’t a gardener but she did appreciate the palette of colour that had been achieved with skilful planting combinations by someone far more knowledgeable. If only I could piece together the various facets of my life into such tidy compartments I wouldn’t be so tangled up with all the loose ends I now have to deal with.

  Jennifer Pedwardine had agreed to open her beautiful garden to the villagers, on certain occasions for quiet contemplation, following the success of the treasure hunt the previous year. Jansy had missed out on that event but Emma introduced her to this hidden oasis soon after her return home from the ordeal in the harbour.

  Together, the two friends shared precious moments here. In the peaceful ambience of the garden Jansy unburdened her heart.

  “I’ve been so very foolish and selfish, Em,” she cried, the tears coursing down her cheeks unchecked.

  “Jansy, the Lord knows all about your actions, your thoughts and feelings. He still loves you,” Emma said confidently.

  “But, my life was a sham,” Jansy spluttered, “I pretended to be a Christian. Em, you have no idea how shallow I was. I knew all the religious jargon and when we were teenagers it was easy to fool everybody. I blatantly went through the motions of church ritual. I deceived you and Dave, Mum and Dad, and a host of other people. I’m so ashamed of how badly I treated those who loved me.”

  “Oh, Jans!” Emma put her arm affectionately across Jansy’s shoulders and said thoughtfully, “being self-centred seems the easy option but, in reality, it’s the more difficult. I know, I went that way myself for a long time, much to Mum and Dad’s dismay.”

  Jansy nodded in agreement. “It seemed easy to touch up my outward appearance to make it appear as though I had it all together. My attempts to look good did fool most people except Mrs Darnell. She saw right through me. She’s an incredibly perceptive lady.”

  “So, that’s why you had to get away?”

  Jansy slowly nodded her head. “She pointed out that I was not only trying to deceive others but also myself. I wouldn’t listen. I was determined to succeed but I deliberately left God out of my plans.”

  “He didn’t leave you, though.”

  “No, when I really needed Him, He was there. When I was struggling in the cold, dark, water and called to Him to help me, I believe He saved me from drowning.”

  “I’m glad about that. I would have missed having you as my sister-in-law,” Emma teased through glistening eyes.

  In response Jansy gave her a warm, teary smile and said, “I also believe, truly believe, that He allowed me to be rescued in order to save my soul. Did you know Mrs Darnell came to see me in hospital? She told me in no uncertain terms that the Bible says to be saved, it is necessary to repent of your sins, accept forgiveness and believe in Jesus as Saviour.

  “She quoted a verse from the book of Romans, ‘If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.’ We talked about that for a while then she graciously listened, as she always does, to my rabbitting on about doubts and fears.

  “Quietly, she explained God’s plan of redemption, and suddenly, it was as if blinkers were taken from my eyes. I could see clearly, for the first time, what salvation really meant.”

  “Dear Jansy, I’m just so happy for you,” Emma sniffed and wiped the back of her hand across her eyes.

  “Do you know, Em, for years I thought working hard at my job, helping other people, achieving my full potential and trying to be the best I could be was enough to get me to heaven?”

  “Mmm, we all think we know better than God how to run our lives and prepare for eternity.”

  “I think He used my ducking in the harbour to bring me to my senses.”

  Emma nodded and replied softly, “As He used Mum and Dad’s accident to bring me to mine.”

  “Anyway, since I came home from hospital I’ve been up to the vicarage fairly frequently and shared some lovely sessions with the Vicar and Mrs Darnell looking at verses from the Bible. Do you know, Em, as the Rev Hugh explained them, the words just came alive for me!”

  “Isn’t it amazing when the truth of the Bible becomes real and meaningful for your life?”

  In a brisk movement Jansy got up, looked up toward the heavens, raised her hands above her head, then turned towards Emma and declared excitedly, “I’m forgiven, Em, forgiven! It’s a wonderful feeling.” She came before Emma and clasped both of her hands, “I’m sorry for treating you so shockingly over this past year, but thankyou for remaining my friend. It means so much to me.”

  The friends prayed together, shed tears and hugged as they celebrated the wonder of God’s restoring power.

  “Dear Emma, thankyou for your love and unconditional support. I truly thank God for the example of your life.” Jansy swallowed and her eyes teared up as she remembered her inconsiderate treatment of Emma. She took a moment to gain control of her emotions, and then looked around the garden, “I praise Him, too, for the balm of this place.”

  “It is special, isn’t it? Miss Pedwardine has worked wonders in the garden.”

  “When we first came in I kept expecting her to come round the corner and tell us off for being here,” laughed Jansy when the feared appearance of Miss Pedwardine had not materialized.

  “My feelings exactly,” agreed Emma, “but Dad said we would see a change in her when she retired and he was right.”

  “She’s more approachable now than she was as headmistress, isn’t she?”

  “Yes, she treats us as equals, not as adolescent schoolgirls, and that dear lady has also learned when to put in an appearance for visitors and when to remain unseen.”

  Since forgiveness had washed over Jansy, her spirit had been renewed and hope restored. The knowledge of the redeeming grace of God for her, because she had confessed her sins, brought tremendous peace to her heart. The garden had become a precious sanctuary to Jansy and she returned time and time again. Father God, thankyou for loving me. I know I must deal with my wrongful attitude and actions of the past before I can move on to the future. I hurt so many people by my wilfulness. Please help me to be strong and trust in You as I ask for their forgiveness.

  Today, Jansy had arranged to meet Dave here, in the place she thought of as sanctuary, to talk about the past and discuss their future. They both recognised that reconciliation required heart searching frankness before the healing process could begin.

  “I’m a bit apprehensive,” she had confided to Emma.

  “Be open and honest but, above all else, be yourself,” counselled Emma. “I’ll be praying for you both.”

  So, surrounded by a plethora of scents, Jansy soaked up the warmth from the sunshine, amidst the rich tapestry of colour woven by the many plants, and waited. She wasn’t as calm as she appeared. The sensations in her stomach echoed the turbulence in her mind as thoughts somersaulted at the prospect ahead. A meeting with Dave was inevitable. Although he’d had a hand in her rescue, and visited her often in hospital and at home, someone else had always been in atte
ndance, so that they had not had opportunity to address personal issues.

  Today, she had arrived early in order to think and compose herself. Time passed and the sun having reached its zenith moved on. Jansy continued to sit under the canopy of trees in Jennifer Pedwardine’s luscious garden till the shade kissed her with its coolness.

  Will Dave come? Jansy thought anxiously. I treated him so very badly. She bit her lip and looked nervously in the direction of the gate when she heard the latch open. Lord, please guide me to do your will.

  Dave cautiously approached Jansy, his heart thumping as apprehensively as hers. When she looked up at him, he smiled and reached out his hands to her.

  “My dearest girl!” That special endearment. It still made her heart flutter.

  “I’m so glad you came,” Dave gently squeezed the extended hand Jansy had lifted to meet his.

  Jansy returned his smile and said, “I couldn’t keep away. I had to come to ask for your forgiveness.”

  Dave shook his head, “No recriminations, Jans.”

  “I didn’t mean that. Just that, maybe, we need to share our thoughts and feelings.”

  “Openness and frankness, you mean?”

  “Yes, I can’t bear anymore misunderstandings.”

  “We’ve both been through a lot during the last year.”

  “Mmm! It hasn’t been easy.”

  “Life’s experiences seldom are.”

  “Yet God’s presence has been in them all.”

  “Yes, not always apparent at the time but…”

  “…all the same His love was gently chiselling the stubborn places of our hearts.”

  “You’re right.”

  Their stilted conversation stopped abruptly and they sat together in the stillness for some time. The silence was only broken by a creaking tree branch and the occasional chirruping of birds.

  Oh, Lord, please give me the right words to share with Jansy what is in my heart, Dave prayed.

  Seated inches away from him Jansy sat quietly. Her heart, too, was petitioning her Heavenly Father.

  Then, Dave turned and, looking directly at her, opened his mouth and his heart. Jansy returned his gaze and listened as Dave described the wrench of leaving her, over a year ago, and the monotony of the endless, spacious days spent at sea.

  “The pain of separation from you was like a knife through my heart, Jansy.”

  “Oh Dave, I am so very sorry,” Jansy murmured as her eyes puddled up.

  “It did force me to look deep within myself and recognize how utterly worthless I was on my own.”

  Dave went on to explain about his hours of solitude, his interaction with the Brixham fishermen, the helplessness he felt after the beating Billy Knights and his companions put him through, as well as the care of the Mission canteen staff and the superintendant’s invitation to the cafe-church which led to him attending the Bible study.

  “Let me tell you about that. It was based upon the book of Jude. As the Mission man led the study the Lord spoke quite distinctly to my heart through His Word.” Dave looked very distant at that instant as though he were reliving those special moments.

  “I never realized before, but that little letter of Jude issues a challenge to us to grow in faith, pray in the spirit and remain in God’s love but also teaches how that is possible. I had difficulty focussing at the time so I asked the chap sitting next to me to underline the words in my Bible, ‘to Him who is able,’ able to help me faithfully do those things, and I looked back at them over and over again.

  “Never had the days been so lonely, Jans. How I missed you! I looked out at the sea that stretched all around me for as far as the eye could see. I looked to the north, turned round to the south, gazed east and then west and couldn’t see where it ended. I looked down and couldn’t calculate its depth. My little fishing vessel seemed small and insignificant as it bobbed around on the immense ocean. I’d placed so many hopes in that little boat then stupidly allowed it to come between you and me.

  “I learned in that moment the vastness of God’s love. It stretches even further than the sea. It covers all, including me and my failings, you, too, Jans, even though at the time you were so far away, with a mantle of peace and forgiveness. How I thanked God for the reminder that He is far greater than the universe He has created yet He loved me enough to send His Son to die for me and prepare a place for me to live with Him in eternity.

  “I was devastated when you brushed me aside, Jansy, in favour of your career. I thought I was everything to you and that somehow I had failed you, that I hadn’t shown you how much I loved you. How conceited is that! Then, His still, small voice nudged me. ‘To Him who is able,’ able to keep me, able to guide me. How I prayed for that guidance, Jans.”

  “I’m so ashamed that my stubborn selfishness caused heartache to so many people, but especially to you,” Jansy murmured with regret.

  “Then one morning something deep within me urged me to come home.”

  “The prompting of the Lord, I expect,” Jansy whispered.

  Dave nodded and got up from the bench.

  Jansy followed his movement with her eyes and said quietly, “How glad I am that you obeyed, otherwise we might not be having this conversation.”

  “I learned an important lesson in those moments of solitude, that when we’re in His plan, He guides us, and we hear His directions clearly.”

  Dave moved back to sit nearer to Jansy. He looked at her steadily and reached out to take up one of her hands.

  “Dear Jans, I don’t want to rush things but I would like us both to take time to listen for the guidelines the Lord has for our lives.”

  Jansy nodded her head in response. “Mrs Darnell advised me to pray and stay in the Word if I truly wanted to live in the Lord’s will. Ever since that day I’ve been trying to do just that.”

  “I am so very glad. Thankyou for listening to me, Jans.” He released her hand only to look earnestly into her eyes. “I know it’s probably painful but are you able to share what has happened to you during the past year?”

  At first, Jansy twiddled nervously with her fingers. Then, taking courage from Dave’s honest outpourings she took a deep breath and began to explain her actions and the feelings that drove them.

  “I was desperate to prove I was capable of getting to the top of my profession, that I could achieve success by my own ability and not because I was the Doctor’s daughter. When Mrs Darnell suggested I address the issues that were bothering me about my future career and our life together I ran away. I couldn’t face them or you nor Mum and Dad. I pushed my love for you to the very back of my mind and left God out of the equation altogether.

  “I’m ashamed of the way I treated you and sorry I didn’t take time to discuss my concerns with you.

  “Stead and Hollis, were junior doctors at the hospital. Working with them day after day I got quite close to them, Stead in particular. I trusted them. When I was busy with a patient and they needed to administer medication to other patients I allowed them to use my drugs cupboard keys to gain access to what they required. But they had been siphoning drugs from the paediatric ward to feed other’s habits and line their own pockets. I had absolutely no idea what they were doing. Apparently, it had been going on long before my advent on the ward.

  “I was so ambitious I used people to achieve my goal. Stead was a challenge because I was unable to manipulate him. I was so naive I didn’t realise he was the one manipulating me. I virtually threw myself at him hoping it would influence my appointment as ward sister. I realise now I was dabbling in dangerous issues in order to get my own way. I wouldn’t be surprised if you hated me, Dave, because of the way I behaved. I know now I treated you abominably. You probably see me as being as bad as Stead and Hollis.

  “Their activities implicated me because I was Sister on the ward and, however innocently, I became entangled in their duplicity. I’d been going out with Jeremy Stead on a number of occasions over a few months, which didn’t look good fo
r me when his involvement came to light, but it was all a sham. He didn’t have any feelings for me. It was just part of his plan to use me to gain access to drugs in order to make money dishonestly.

  “I was devastated that I had been compromised both emotionally and professionally. I found it hard to understand how Doctors committed to healing lives should deliberately engage in activity that would destroy lives.

  “I’ve learned recently that Billy Knights, the deckhand on Laura Catton’s cousin Mark’s boat, was the gobetween. Stead and Hollis gave Billy what they had acquired from the hospital and he supplied them with drugs he smuggled aboard while out fishing. They then sold them onto a dealer in Norwich. I believe Mark was as duped as I was.

  “Apparently, their Norwich venue became too hot, the police net was closing in so Billy suggested future exchanges take place in the unlit delivery area at the back of the Village Stores in Newton Westerby till Uncle Mick saw them one night. Billy kept a high profile in the village over that Christmas period to ascertain if anything leaked out about his clandestine meetings at the Stores. The villagers seemed to be unaware of his activities but he couldn’t be sure that Uncle Mick hadn’t already contacted the authorities so he had to be silenced before he could speak out about what he had seen.

  “Billy then switched his meeting place with the Doctors to the garden of Ferry Cottage where RK spotted them. Stead and Hollis were angry with Billy for allowing them to be seen with him, not once but twice. They really thought they were invincible and, because the drugs were mostly smuggled in and out through the tiny ports, drug pushing in the city would never be traced back to them. They were careful to ensure that drugs stolen from the hospital went to the continent via Billy’s cohorts and the drugs sold in the city were those acquired from Billy Knights or his associates when they made the return trip. Mark, who is as honest as the day is long, still finds it incomprehensible that Billy was involved in such furtive operations and actually conducted them in his boat right under his nose.

 

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