Nether: Hidden Book Five

by Colleen Vanderlinden

  "Nain told you about what happened with Hades?" I asked, trying to keep myself from getting teary over my father. "What I can see now?"

  He nodded.

  We stood in silence for a moment. And then I just said it.

  "She spelled you. And you lied to me. I want to know why," I said softly, and then I couldn't keep the tears back anymore. "You let me think you didn't care enough about me to stay loyal to me. You let me and everyone else believe you were a complete and total asshole. You hurt me, and you let it keep hurting, and it was based on a lie. Why?" I asked, the images I'd seen, of the witch approaching Brennan, of him waking up naked and confused in a strange bed, of him telling me he'd messed around on me, playing over and over in my mind.

  He started pacing.

  "Brennan," I said.

  He stopped pacing. He looked at me, met my gaze with those slate-blue eyes I knew so well. "You can sense emotions, Molly. Have you ever felt something you wished you hadn't?"

  "Of course. All the time," I said.

  He gave a small nod. "Okay. I can't do that, but when I was bonded to you, I could feel your physical reactions to things, right? Even over a distance, even when I wasn't even sure where you were, I could feel you." He took a breath, but kept his eyes on mine. "When you were with him, I could feel how you responded to him. How your heart rate spiked, how your stomach twisted, how your body heated up. How there was this ache inside you. It was a physical thing," he said, shaking his head. "And that day in the Nether, when E was dragging me to safety and Nain went to find you, right after we realized he wasn't actually dead, I could feel the second you felt him. Your whole system went haywire, and there was that ache, that breathlessness. You never, ever felt that with me," he said, gently, sadly. I bit my lip, swiped at the tears falling from my eyes. "I could feel it. You loved him. You needed him. He was yours. And I still wanted you."

  He paused again. "That happened with the witch. Then Sean happened. And then you were back. I loved you even more than I had before, and even though I knew the right thing to do was let you go, I didn't want to. I took the easy way out. I told you I'd cheated on you, because telling you to walk away wasn't a possibility. I figured you'd break it off with me, and you'd have what you wanted, what you should have had. But I was incapable of breaking up with you, even knowing I wasn't what you needed. So I lied, because when it came to you, I was a complete idiot, and you were still determined to stay, even after that. I convinced myself that we'd make it work. That over time, you'd feel for me what you felt for him. That you wouldn't love him forever."

  It took him a moment to go on. "And then you left, not because of the witch or Sean, but because you thought you were putting me in danger. You stayed away, and I missed you. I made so many mistakes when it came to you, Molly. You were the one thing in my entire life I never planned or trained for. I didn't know it was possible to feel the way I felt with you."

  He paused, stood watching me, and as fucked up as this whole thing was, I felt relief from him.

  "It comes down to, I was weak and stupid. I wanted you even though I knew you wanted Nain. I wanted two impossible things: I wanted you with me, and I wanted you to have everything you wanted. And the two weren't the same thing. I didn't know how to handle that, and I lied, repeatedly, to the one person I should have been honest with, no matter what."

  I didn't know what to say. We stood in awkward silence.

  "What I realized, during that time away from you after you got back from the Nether, was that eventually, even if you'd wanted to stay with me, I still would have lost you because no matter what else I am, I'm not him. He's what you want. And I would have resented him for that. I would have lost both of you eventually. The thought of you not being in my life… You're one of the most amazing people I've ever known. And I can say that now not just as someone who was in love with you, but as someone who's fought by your side, who's seen the dark and light sides of who you are. I want you in my life. I want Nain in my life. What I knew I didn't want was to lose the woman who's come to be my best friend, and the man who's practically a brother to me. I've come close to losing that so many times. And there are no secrets left between us now."

  I stood there processing it all. I took a deep breath. Love turned people into complete idiots. All you had to do was look at me, at that moment my parents had defied a gloom-and-doom prophecy and loved each other anyway. At Persephone's love for my father, even though she knew better. At how messed up loving Nain, and then Brennan, and now Nain again, had made me.

  It was still worth it, though, I realized.

  "You could have told me after Nain and I were back together. It wouldn't have changed anything, other than maybe not making me think you were such an uncaring asshole for so long," I said, but there was no anger in it.

  He shrugged. "I could have. I didn't really think there was much point. You were good and pissed at me, and I deserved it for how I handled things. You've had more than enough to think about without that… and I didn't realize it made you feel that way, which was stupid."

  He came up to me and took my hands gently in his. His hands were warm, just as they always had been. "I'm sorry, Molly. It's not an excuse, but everything I did, I did trying to either protect you or give you the life I knew you wanted. I made a royal mess of it. But I hope you can believe that hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted."

  I sensed for him, and there was relief there. Sadness, too. It would take time to get past that, for both of us.

  "I believe you," I said. And then I smiled. "That's the only good thing about Hades' ability. I know damn well you're not lying to me now."

  He laughed, and he stepped forward and hugged me. I hugged him back, hard.

  "You're a good man, Brennan," I said near his ear. "You just forget how to act like it sometimes."

  "Major character flaw," he said with a laugh.

  "Well. You're related to an immortal. It runs in the family," I said. "I want you in my life, too. Nain wants you in our lives. Okay?"

  He nodded and hugged me again, and when we released one another, it felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders.

  "I'm sorry about your dad," he said as we headed back into the house, and I nodded. "Even if he did want to kill me," he added, and I had to smile.

  When we got back inside, I sat next to Nain on the couch and took Zoe's tiny hand in mine.

  "Okay?" Nain asked, and I nodded.

  We had a busy few days ahead of us. Plans to make, things to organize. But when it was over, I swore to myself that Nain and Zoe and I would have some time to just relax and be together.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Eventually, just about everyone ended up in our tiny apartment. Athena, Heph, Meaghan, Demeter, Gaia, Hestia, Asclepias, Shanti and Zero, Rayna, Ronan. All of them gave their condolences on the loss of my father.

  The immortals each gave me a bow, acknowledging my new status, which I did not want.

  My mother and aunt were still in the Netherwoods. I knew, because I'd been there, that my mother probably just wanted to die.

  I was aware that Persephone wasn't there, and I approached Demeter, who was standing in the kitchen talking to Meaghan. She acknowledged me with a nod.

  "Hey. Is Persephone all right?" I asked quietly.

  "She mourns. Not the way your mother does, but as a woman who loved him and spent millennia at his side."

  I felt tears spring to my eyes again for what felt like the thousandth time in the last day. "She shouldn't be alone," I said.

  "She is not. She mourns with Tisiphone. They are preparing his body together."

  I stared at her in surprise, and she gave a small smile. "I thank your mother for sharing that with her. It was Tisiphone's right to do alone, and it was gracious and generous of her to let my daughter have that final closure."

  I nodded. "So what happens now?"

  "There will be a remembrance service in the Netherwoods tomorrow night," she explained. "The widow and family
usually spend two full days preparing and mourning in private. You should go to your mother soon," she added, and I nodded. "And then, tomorrow night, there will be a remembrance ceremony to honor him. I suspect that, for that, the Nether will allow immortals to bring mortals in, if you want that. People will speak. As the being highest in power, Gaia will preside." I didn't say anything, and she smiled. "Classy, my lady, not to point out that you're actually the strongest now. I know what resides within you."

  I just gave a small nod.

  "But she is the oldest and traditionally she would be the strongest," she continued. "She will speak, and any others who want to will speak. At the time of his death, his funeral pyre will be lit, and we will remain and honor him."

  I thanked her, and then I went over to where the vampires and Brennan were sitting. Shanti was holding Zoe. Zero was standing against the wall nearby, Ronan close at hand.

  I studied the new vampire. I'd been right. He was even more gorgeous. And he looked stressed out.

  There were sins on his soul, too. None that bothered me too much. If and when he died, I realized, it would be my job to place judgment on his soul.

  Damn, that was weird.

  "I can't believe how well you're holding up, considering all the immortals you're surrounded by right now," I said to him.

  He gave a pained smile. "We needed to be here. And Ronan is here to keep me from doing anything stupid, like trying to feed from a god. They brought a lot of blood for me."

  I glanced down at Shanti, who was looking up at him adoringly.

  "Zero's a strong bastard. I can't believe how disciplined he is. I was a raving lunatic when I was first turned," Ronan said. I already knew that. I had seen it the moment I looked at the huge vampire.

  "I'm impressed," I said. "But please know that I won't be offended if it becomes too much. It means a lot to me that you're going through this to be here."

  "Shanti loves you, and you saved Shanti. So I guess I kinda love you by extension," he said, and Shanti laughed. I smiled and shook my head.

  Then I said to Rayna, "We have things to discuss."

  She sobered. "Things are not the same," she said softly, understanding. I nodded. I sat down beside her, and Nain sat beside me. Brennan was in the chair opposite me. Ronan leaned in, still standing next to Zero, to hear.

  "I can't be as central to everything anymore. After what happened on Thanksgiving, I'm not a comfort to the Normals. We all know that," I said when Brennan and Shanti started to protest. "Pretending otherwise is pointless. Yes, some of the Normals and supernaturals still believe I'm a hero. Some fear me, but recognize that I've always fought to protect them. But for the most part, they just want me gone. You've seen the interviews and articles. And remember that I can hear their thoughts." I paused. "It was necessary for me to be visible when it came out that supernaturals exist. When they were getting used to the idea of all of us living side by side with them. They know now. We have a Detroit Police unit that's specifically devoted to supernatural crimes, and we have Brennan in charge of the federal supernatural investigation and affairs unit here. I did what I was supposed to do. I bridged the gap until they got used to the idea. Now it's time to move on."

  I paused. They were all watching me.

  "I am not going anywhere," I said. "I have duties I need to attend to in my father's place, and I'll do it, but I'm gonna do it my way." I already had ideas for how things would change as I started my work as Lady of the Dead. "When I'm not doing that, I'll be here. I'll be fighting by your side when you need me. I'll protect this realm from any big bads who decide to cause trouble. But I can't be the face of this particular super-team anymore."

  I met Rayna's eyes. "Your family has been integral in keeping peace on the streets. You've almost completely taken over my lost girl searches and there aren't words enough to express my gratitude for that. I felt like I was failing them, and it means a lot to me that you guys stepped up. I'm happy to say that you're even better at it than I am, for the most part."

  Rayna smiled. "That's mostly Shanti and Zero's doing. We police the vampire population, and Shanti and Zero punish our worst and also find your lost girls. We're pleased to help. You know that."

  I nodded, then turned to Shanti. "I want to make good on that offer of imps to help you, now that I have them back." I'd offered them to her once, to guard Zero, but then Strife had happened and we'd never gotten around to it. "They can help you search. They're amazing at that."

  "I'd love their help. I know how good they are at surveillance," she said.

  I beckoned to three of my imps, Brazien, Flalog, and Murlog, and they came over, bowing their heads. "My friends," I said. "I would like you to work alongside these vampires and help them find lost girls. This is the best way you can help me."

  "It would be an honor to do so, mistress," Murlog said, bowing his head and putting a fist to his chest. The others followed suit.

  "Thank you," I told them.

  I transferred my gaze to Brennan. "So I'm guessing I can count on the shifter coalition to continue working with the vampires and Nain's team."

  "Of course," he said.

  "You can consider this my resignation from your department's PR team, Director," I said with a smile.

  "Good. I was going to fire you anyway," he said with a wink, and I laughed. "You don't have to do this, but I'm hoping you'll give one last press conference, maybe to reassure everyone that you're resigning your government-related role."

  I nodded. And I knew it was nothing personal. We both knew his job would be easier without all of the rumors of my involvement in the department. I mean, the rumors were true, but the general public didn't need to know that. If it made them feel better to believe that their government wasn't tainted by my particular brand of crazy, then that's what we'd give them.

  "So I'll still be here, like I said before. But I'm going back to a background role. I've always been happiest in the shadows. I don't know how to stop fighting, so I'm not going to. But I'm not a politician and I sure the hell am not a figurehead. I'm going to do my best not to be seen much, which will make your jobs easier and ease some of the tension caused by Hyperion. And it will help me keep my sanity," I added, and Nain squeezed my hand.

  "And what about the immortals?" Rayna asked.

  "For the most part, they're settled. The ones who remain are peaceful, and I consider them friends and family. I don't think we'll have any trouble, but if we do, that's what I'm here for."

  She nodded. We talked some more, and then it was time to go see my mother. I left after kissing Nain and checking in on Zoe.

  "We'll be there for the memorial thing tomorrow," he said, and I kissed him again, then headed to the Netherwoods.

  When I got to the Netherwoods, it didn't frighten me. I felt at home, almost as much so as I did in Detroit. As I walked through the newly-constructed stone walkways toward the castle, I was greeted with bows and salutes from the demons I passed. Murmurs of "my lady" clanged around in my brain, not seeming real.

  I walked into the castle, two burly demons opening the main doors at my approach. I nodded to them and hurried through.

  I sensed for my mother's power signature, felt her somewhere off to the right. I travelled through the black stone corridors, watching the light from the sconces on the walls flicker. The walls seemed to sparkle with it.

  I entered a room and realized it was my parents' bedroom. My father's body was laid out on a large black stone table along one wall, my mother and Persephone's work evident. He'd been wrapped in rich black fabric, only his face visible. I relived images of watching his head fall to the ground, and I closed my eyes and willed them away. I looked again and noticed his two loves' additions to his funeral wrappings. Tucked into the fabric were multitudes of dried and fresh flowers, Persephone's touch. And my mother's addition, his black sword woven into the fabric over his chest, obsidian blade shining. There was a long rope of her raven hair wrapped around the blade.

  I tore my
eyes away from it and looked toward my mother.

  God, I'd been there. I felt it all again through her.

  She lay on their bed, her head on one pillow and another in her arms. I knew it was my father's pillow she held.

  The scent. It was the only thing left to hang onto. I understood all too well. I started crying, overwhelmed by my mother's grief and my own, as well as the very real knowledge of what my mother was going through.

  "Mollis," she said, her voice hoarse from crying. I looked up, and she gestured me over. She placed my father's pillow under her head, and held her arms out to me, and I climbed into bed with her. She held me, and I cried in my mother's arms in a way a child would.

  "He was so proud of you," she said, her voice shaky. She ran her hands over my hair. "He loved you as much as he ever loved anything or anyone."

  "I miss him," I said. "Everyone was at the apartment today, and it hit me that he wouldn't…" I trailed off, unable to talk anymore, and she held me tighter, humming a soothing, haunting melody.

  "I miss him, too," she finally said. "I feel like my heart is gone."

  "I know."

  "I don't want to even consider having to face another day without him. This is hell. This is my Tartarus. This is worse than any torture I've ever administered. Everything in me is shredded and it feels like my soul is bleeding," she said.

  I just nodded.

  "How do I do this?" she whispered, so quietly I could barely hear her.

  "However you need to, Mom. I didn't talk for months afterward. I didn't eat. I mostly just lay in his bed holding his pillow, and then I went out and hurt people because I knew that was what he would have wanted me to do. He always did like it when I beat assholes up."

  She stayed silent.

  "No one gets to tell you how to grieve him. And if anyone tries, so help me I will kick their ass. You do what you have to do to make it through, and it takes as long as it takes."

  "I am so grateful we made you," she said softly.

  I didn't say the words I was thinking.