“I stooped quickly, holding my breath, and felt the wrists of the two men. They were chilly to the touch and no vestige of pulse was perceptible. I shook them both vigorously, but failed to elicit any responsive movement. They were quite limp and inert and I had no doubt that they were dead. My work was done. The policemen were now safe, whatever follies they might commit; and it only remained for me to remove the traces of the fairy godmother who had labored through the night to save them from their own exuberant courage.
“Passing back through the opening, I drew away the now unnecessary pipe, closed the two panels, and carried the little stove down to my bedroom. I looked at the unruffled bed—mute but eloquent witness to the night’s activity—and deciding as a measure of prudence to give it the appearance of having been slept in, took off my boots and crept in between the sheets. But I was not in the least degree drowsy. Quite the contrary. I was all agog to see the end of the comedy in which I had, all unknown, taken the leading part; so that after tossing about for a few minutes I sprang out of bed, resumed my boots and poured out a basin full of water to refresh myself by a wash.
“And now once more observe the strangely indirect lines of causation. The towels on the horse were damp and none too clean. I flung them into the dirty-linen basket and dragged open the drawer in which the clean ones were kept. It was the bottom drawer of a cheap pine chest that I had bought in Whitechapel High Street. That chest of drawers was of unusual size; it was four feet wide by nearly five feet high, and the two bottom drawers were each fully eighteen inches deep, and were far larger than was necessary for my modest stock of household linen.
“I pulled out the bottom drawer, then, and as its great cavity yawned before me, it offered a not unnatural suggestion. The length of an average man’s head and trunk is under thirty-six inches. Allowing a few inches more for his feet and ankles, a cavity forty-eight inches long is amply sufficient for his accommodation. Flinging out the towels and sheets that lay in the drawer, I got in and lay down with my knees drawn up. Of course there was room and to spare.
“It was an interesting fact but not very applicable to present circumstances. Still, it set me thinking. I went into the front room and glanced out of the open window. A faint lightening of the murky sky heralded the approach of dawn, and from afar came the murmur of commencing traffic out in High Street. I was about to turn away when my ear caught a new and unusual sound rising above that distant murmur; the measured tread of feet mingling with the clatter of horses’ hoofs and a heavy, metallic rumbling. I looked out cautiously in the direction whence the sounds came and was positively stupefied with amazement. At the end of the street I saw, by the light of the lamps, a company of soldiers appearing round the corner and taking up a position across the road. I watched breathlessly. Soon, at a sign from the officer, the men spread mats on the muddy ground and lay down on them, and then appeared a train of horses, dragging a field-piece or quick-firing gun, which was halted behind the infantry and unlimbered. A minute later the black shapes of a number of soldiers appeared on the skyline as they crept along the parapets of the opposite houses where, save for their heads and the barrels of their rifles, they presently disappeared.
“It seemed that I had misjudged the police in the matter of caution. It almost seemed that my labors had been useless; for surely these portentous preparations indicated some masterpiece of strategy. What an anticlimax it would be when the defenders of the fort were found to be dead! But what a still greater anticlimax if they were not there at all!
“At this moment a police sergeant strolled down the middle of the road and, observing me, motioned to me with his hand to get inside out of harm’s way. I obeyed with grim amusement, thinking of that absurd anticlimax; and somehow this idea began to connect itself with those two bottom drawers. But the casks were the difficulty. The cooper from whom I had obtained them sometimes kept me waiting nearly a week before supplying them—for I was only a small customer; and that would never do even at this time of year. Besides, the police would make a rigid search; not that that would have mattered if I could have made proper arrangements for the concealment and removal of the specimens. But unfortunately I could not. The specimens would have to go; to be borne out ingloriously in the face of the besieging force, limp and passive, like a couple of those very helpless guys that are wont to be produced by what Mrs. Kosminsky would call ‘der chiltrens.’ There would be a certain grim appropriateness in the incident. For this was the fifth of November.
“The generation of new ideas is chiefly a matter of association. The ideas ‘guys,’ ‘Mrs. Kosminsky’ and ‘the fifth of November’ unconsciously formed themselves into a group from which in an instant there was evolved a new and startling train of thought. At first it seemed wild enough; but when the two bottom drawers joined in the synthetic process, a complete and consistent scheme began to appear. A flush of pleasurable excitement swept over me, and as I raced upstairs fresh details added themselves and fresh difficulties were propounded and disposed of. I slid open the panels, stepped through and, holding my breath, strode across the poisoned room with only one quick glance at the two still forms on the mattress. Removing the barricading chair, I unlocked and unbolted the door and passed out, closing it after me.
“Mrs. Kosminsky’s room was at the back; a dreadful nest of dirt and squalor, piled almost to the ceiling with unclassifiable rubbish. The air was so stifling that I was tempted to raise the heavily curtained window a couple of inches; and thereby got a useful idea when, by peeping over the curtain, I saw the flat leads of a projecting lower story. The merchandise piled on all sides, and even under the bed, included very secondhand wearing apparel, sheets, blankets, crockery and toys. Among them were the fireworks, the masks and other appliances for commemorating the never to be forgotten ‘Gunpowder treason,’ and a couple of large balls of a dark-colored cord sometimes used by costers for securing their loads. That gave me an idea, too, as did the frowsily-smart female garments. I appropriated four of the largest masks and a quantity of oakum for wigs; some colored paper streamers and hat-frills; two huge and disreputable dresses—Mrs. Kosminsky’s own, I suspected—the skirts of which I crammed with straw from a hamper; two large sized and ragged suits of clothes, a woman’s straw hat, four pairs of men’s gloves and the biggest top-hat that I could find. These I put apart in a heap with one of the balls of cord. From the other ball I cut off some eight fathoms of cord, and, poking it out through the opening of the window, let it drop on the leads beneath. Then I conveyed my spoil in one or two journeys across the murderers’ room, passed it through the opening, and closed the panel after me.
“Prudence suggested that I should dispose of these things first, and accordingly I stowed two masks, two pairs of gloves, one suit of clothes and one dress in the large chest of drawers. The rest I carried down to the back yard, where already was a quantity of lumber belonging to a neighboring green grocer. Returning upstairs, I called in at the bedroom to transfer the scanty contents of the two large drawers into the upper ones and then proceeded once more to the second floor front. Time was passing and the glimmer of the gray dawn was beginning to struggle in faintly through the dirty windows.
“As I drew back the slide I became aware of a sound which, soft as it was, rang the knell of my newly formed hopes. I had closed the door of the murderers’ room and locked it, but had not shot the bolt. Now I could distinctly hear someone fumbling gently at the keyhole, apparently with a picklock. It was most infuriating. At the very last moment, when success was within my grasp, I was to be foiled and all my neatly laid plans defeated. And to make it a thousand times worse, I had not even taken the precaution to examine the dead miscreants’ hair!
“With an angry and foolish exclamation, I reached through the opening and drew the cupboard doors to, leaving only a small chink. Then I shut myself in my own cupboard, to exclude the dim light, and closing the panel to within an inch, waited on events with my hand on the knob, ready to shut it at a moment’s notice
. The great strategic move was about to begin and I was curious to see what it would be.
“The bolt of the lock shot back; the door creaked softly. There was a pause, and then a voice whispered:
“‘Why, they seem to be asleep! Keep them covered, Smith, and shoot if they move.’
“Soft footsteps advanced across the room. Someone gave a choking cough and then a brassy voice fairly shouted, ‘Why, man, they’re dead! My Lord! What a let-off!’
“An unsteady laugh told of the effort it had cost the worthy officer to take this frightful risk.
“‘Yes,’ said another voice, ‘they’re dead enough. They’ve cheated us after all. Not that I complain of that. But, my eye, sir; what a sell! Think of all those Tommies and that machine gun. Ha! Ha! Oh! Lord! I suppose the beggars poisoned themselves when they saw the game was up.’ He laughed again and the laugh ended in a fit of coughing.
“‘Not they, Sergeant,’ said the other. ‘It was that coke stove that gave them their ticket. Can’t you smell it? And, by Jove, it will give us our ticket if we don’t clear out. We’ll just run down and report and send for a couple of stretchers.’
“‘Hadn’t I better wait here, sir, while you’re gone?’ asked the sergeant.
“‘Lord, no, man. What for? We shall want three stretchers if you do. Come along. Pooh! Leave the door open.’
“I listened incredulously to their retreating footsteps. It seemed hardly possible that they should be so devoid of caution. And yet, why not? The men were dead. And dead men are not addicted to sudden disappearances.
“But this case was going to be an exception. I had given the specimens up for lost when I heard the police enter; but now—
“I opened the slide, sprang through the opening, and strode over to the mattress. One after the other, I picked up the prostrate ruffians, carried them across and bundled them through the aperture. Then I came through myself, shut the cupboard doors, closed both panels carefully, shut up my own cupboard and carried the specimens down to my bedroom. With their knees drawn up, they packed quite easily in the large drawers. I shut them in, locked the drawers, pocketed the key, washed my hands and went down to the parlor, where I rapidly laid the breakfast table. At any moment now, the police might come to inspect, and whenever they came, they would find me ready.
“I did not waste time on breakfast. That could wait. Meanwhile I fell to work with the materials in the yard. In addition to the handcart, there was now a coster’s barrow, the property of a greengrocer, to whom also belonged a quantity of lumber, including some bundles of stakes and several hampers filled with straw. With these materials, and those that I had borrowed from Mrs. Kosminsky, I began rapidly to build up a pair of life-sized guys—one male and one female. I put them together very roughly and sat them side by side in the barrow, leaning against the wall; and to each I attached a large ticket on which I had scrawled the name of the person it represented; one being the highly unpopular minister, Mr. Todd-Leeks, and the other the notorious Mrs. Gamway.
“They were very sketchily built and would have dropped to pieces at a touch. But that was of no consequence. The time factor was the important one; and I had worked at such speed that I had huddled them into a pretty plausible completeness when the inevitable peal at the house bell disturbed my labors. I darted into the parlor, crammed a piece of bread into my mouth and rushed out to the shop door, chewing frantically. As I opened the door, an agitated police inspector burst in, followed by a sergeant.
“‘Good morning, gentlemen,’ I said suavely. ‘Hair-cutting or shaving?’
“I shall not record the inspector’s reply. I was really shocked. I had no idea that responsible officials used such language. In effect, they wished to look over the premises. Of course I gave instant permission, and followed them in their tour of inspection on the pretext of showing them over the house.
“The inspector was in a very bad temper and the sergeant was obviously depressed. They conversed in low tones as they stumped up the stairs and I heard the sergeant say something about ’an awful suck in.’
“‘Oh, don’t talk of it,’ snapped the inspector. ‘It’s enough to make a cat sick. But what beats me is how those devils could have stuck the air of that room. It would have settled my hash in five minutes.’
“‘Yes,’ agreed the sergeant; ‘and how they could have let themselves down from that window without being spotted. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen the cord. The constables must have been asleep.’
“‘Yes,’ grunted the inspector; ‘thickheaded louts. Let’s have a look out here.’ He strode into the second floor back and threw up the window. ‘Now you see,’ he continued, ‘what I mean. This house has no connection with the next one. That projecting wing cuts it off. This back yard opens into Bell’s Alley; the yard next door opens into Kosher Court. That’s the way they went. They couldn’t have got to this house excepting by the roof, and we’ve seen that they went down, not up.’ He stuck his head out of the window and looked down sourly at the guys.
“‘Those things yours?’ he asked gruffly, pointing at the effigies.
“‘No,’ I answered. ‘I think one of Piper’s men is getting them ready to take round.’
“The inspector grunted and moved away. He walked into the front room, looked in the cupboard, glanced round and went downstairs. On the first floor, he made a perfunctory inspection of the rooms, glancing in at my bedroom, and then went down to the ground floor. From thence the two officers descended to the cellar, which they examined more thoroughly, even prodding the sawdust in the bin, and so up to the back yard. Here, at the sight of the guys, the sergeant’s woeful countenance brightened somewhat.
“‘Ha!’ he exclaimed; ‘Mrs. Gamway! I saw a good deal of her when I was in the Westminster division. I’ve often thought I’d like to—and, by Jimini! I will!’ He squared up fiercely at the helpless looking effigy of the lady, and, with a vicious, round-arm punch, sent its unstable head flying across the yard.
“The blow and its effect seemed to rouse his destructive instincts, for he returned to the attack with such ferocity that in a few seconds he had reduced, not only the factitious Mrs. Gamway, but the Right Honorable Todd-Leeks also, to a heap of ruin.
“‘Stop that foolery, Smith,’ snarled the inspector; ‘you’ll give the poor devil the trouble of building them up all over again. Come along.’ He unlocked the gate and stood for a moment looking back at me.
“‘I suppose you’ve heard nothing in the night?’ he said.
“‘Not a sound,’ I answered, adding, ‘I shan’t open the shop until the evening, and I shall probably go out for the day. Would you like to have the key?’
“The inspector shook his head. ‘No, I don’t want the key. I’ve seen all I want to see. Good morning,’ and he stumped out, followed by his subordinate.
“I drew a deep breath as I re-locked the gate. I was glad he had refused the key, though I had thought it prudent to make the offer. Now I was at liberty to complete my arrangements at leisure.
“My first proceeding, after locking up the shop, was to rig up, with the green grocer’s stakes and Mrs. Kosminsky’s cord, a firm pair of standards to support the guys. Then I took a hearty breakfast, after which I repaired to my bedroom with a hamper of straw, a bundle of small stakes and a quantity of odd rags. The process of converting the specimens into quite convincing guys was not difficult. Tying up the heads in large pieces of rag, I fastened the big masks to the fronts of the globular bundles and covered in the remainder with masses of oakum to form appropriate wigs. Each figure was then clothed in the bulky garments borrowed from Mrs. Kosminsky’s stock and well stuffed with straw, portions of which I allowed to protrude at all the apertures. A suitable stiffness was imparted to the limbs by pieces of stick poked up inside the clothing, and smaller sticks gave the correct, starfish-like spread to the gloved hands. When they were finished, the illusion was perfect. As the two effigies sat on the floor with their backs against the wall, st
iff, staring, bloated and grotesquely horrible, not a soul would have suspected them.
“I carried the male guy down to the yard, sat him on the barrow and put on his hat; and taking with me the remains of the ruined guys, which I decided to put away in the drawers, I returned for the second effigy. I lashed the two figures very securely to the standards, fixed on their hats firmly, and attached their namecards. Then I went into the shop to attend to my own appearance.
“I had brought back from my Bloomsbury house the shabby overcoat and battered hat that I had worn on the last few expeditions. These I now assumed; and having fixed on my cheek a large cross of sticking-plaster—which pulled down my eyebrow and pulled up the corner of my mouth—begrimed my face, reddened my nose, and carefully tinted in a not too emphatic black eye, I was sufficiently transmogrified to deceive even my intimate friends. Now I was ready to start; and now was the critical moment.
“I went out into the yard, unlocked the gate, trundled the barrow out into the alley, and locked the gate behind me. At the moment there was not a soul in sight, but from the street close by came the unmistakable murmur of a large crowd. I must confess that I felt a little nervous. The next few minutes would decide my fate.
“I grasped the handles of the barrow and started forward resolutely. As I rounded the curve of the alley, a densely packed throng appeared ahead. Faces turned towards me and broke into grins; the murmur rose into a dull roar, and, as the people drew aside to make way for me, I plunged into the heart of the throng and raised my voice in a husky chant:
“‘Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot.’
“Through the interstices of the crowd I could see the soldiers still drawn up by the curb and even the machine gun was yet in position. Suddenly the inspector and the sergeant appeared bustling through the crowd. The former caught sight of me and, waving his hand angrily, shouted:
“‘Take that thing away from here! Move him out of the crowd, Moloney;’ and a gigantic constable pounced on me with a broad grin, snatched the barrow handles out of my hands, and started off at a trot that made the effigies rock in the most alarming manner.
The First R. Austin Freeman Megapack: 27 Mystery Tales of Dr. Thorndyke & Others Page 133