Determination

by Angela B. Macala-Guajardo

  “You did good.”

  “Well,” Roxie corrected.

  Sekiro gave her a blank look of confusion.

  “It’s ‘well,’ not ‘good.’”

  “Oh.” The Numina waved it off as she crinkled her nose. “English has too many rules.”

  Roxie smiled softly and held up a conceding hand. The smile slowly died--not because of the grief waiting to be released, but because of the fatigue and hunger scratching at her conscious thoughts. The smile felt good at least. She needed to keep finding reasons to smile if she was going to get through all this. She propped herself up on her hands. The metal felt chill, but she didn’t care. It was helping her stay awake.

  Sekiro sat up straighter and began ticking things off on her fingers as she spoke. “You nailed all of it, really. The lighthouse, the beacon, the water, the land. All I have had to add is the number eight. It carries a lot of symbolism, but your subconscious tells me the relevant aspects are balance and wholeness.” She looked at Roxie seriously. “You have a tough road ahead, but I’m here to help you as best I can. It may not seem like I’m helping at times, but you’re going to have to trust me. I’m a Numina after all.”

  “How did you become one?” Sekiro had mentioned she’d died in the 80’s, which meant she was a human from Earth that had undergone a transformation in death.

  “Long story short: I did some soul searching in death, decided I wanted to help others since I’d wasted my living life, convinced my Guide to put me through the initiation process, then drank some Soma, which is the stuff that turned me into a Numina. Now I have my own magical powers and I actually accomplish some good.”

  Roxie nodded, absorbing the information. “What’s Soma?”

  “No idea but it tastes gross,” Sekiro said with a grimace.

  “Are you alive? You’re not cold or transparent, like the people at the vanishing train station.

  “I’m just a soul with a purpose now,” Sekiro said with a shrug. “Alive or dead doesn’t matter. The wings are just a trademark.”

  “So then why are you warm and solid?”

  Sekiro shrugged again. “I have no idea. No one’s ever cared before you. Not even me. Anyway, will you trust me no matter how difficult things get?”

  Roxie cringed at the thought of her life getting any harder than it already was, but she refused to let fear make her waver. “I will.”

  “Excellent!” Sekiro leapt into the air, wings buzzing, and alighted atop the railing surrounding the catwalk encircling the beacon. She walked it like a tightrope, her wiry arms out for balance.

  Roxie scooted closer to the edge of the roof and splayed out her wings along the metal. The light shone on their brilliant whiteness, and the breeze gently ruffled the smallest feathers. Roxie ran her fingers through them. Soft as goose down.

  “You’re going to have to let go of almost every rule of the living world in order to grasp how the spirit world functions. In essence, it’s not how far or fast you travel, but it’s what’s going on inside your head that matters most. You can’t lie or fake it. You have to wholly commit yourself to what you need to do. If you’re going to get out of here, that’s the most important thing for you to remember.”

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “With the right mindset, you could travel the entire globe in seconds with jut a few steps. With the wrong mindset, you could go nowhere for a hundred years, yet pound out mile after mile and still be on the same city block.”

  Roxie thought of her walk along the train tracks. She’d gotten nowhere until she’d noticed it. “Is that why...?”

  “The never-ending train tracks?”

  Nodding, Roxie wrapped her arms around her knees. “Why does it work that way?”

  Sekiro turned around on the railing and began walking across once again, always staying within eyesight, and squinting her eyes every time the beacon shined in her face. “Death is a personal journey, an internal one. The outside world helps you make sense of what’s going on inside, and how to make peace so you can move on. Ever heard of a haunted house?”

  “Yes, but I’ve never been to one.”

  “Doesn’t matter, so long as you can understand the example.” Sekiro faced Roxie. “Those places contain people who are stuck. It’s very easy to get stuck mainly because death is hard for people to accept, or there’s something the dead doesn’t want to let go of from life. What do you need to do right now?”

  “To get out of here and get back to someone named Nexus.”

  “Nexus? That’s an intimidating name.” Sekiro gave Roxie a searching gaze. “He’s not a friend, is he?”

  Roxie cringed. “No! He tried to kill me. And--”

  “Then why the heck are you trying to get back to him? Are you dumb or what?”

  She silently thanked the Numina for giving her questions to answer, instead of having to finish the sentence. She didn’t want to admit to having lost someone she loved dearly. Not yet. “He’s killing thousands of people as we speak. I have to get back to the living so I can stop him and save many lives.”

  “Why you?”

  Roxie furrowed her brows. “What do you mean?”

  “Why you? Why can’t someone else confront him?”

  Because Aerigo’s gone. “I’m the last Aigis. Do you know how many gods are out there?”

  “One for the living and one for the dead, I think. I wondered in life, but it hasn’t been important to answer in death or as a Numina.”

  “There are quite a few. I don’t know if I have time to explain this properly but--”

  “You have all the time you need.”

  “No, I don’t! The sooner I get back, the less damage will be done.” Roxie stood, feeling a sense of urgency. She’d already lost maybe an hour following the vanishing train tracks. Who knows how long it took her to wake up in the spirit world? And now she was having this conversation that was getting lengthier by the minute.

  Sekiro’s wings buzzed and blurred. She drifted up, alighted on the metal roof, and placed her hands on Roxie’s shoulders. “Relax. Time has no meaning here. There is only now. Yes, things change, but that’s because things are always changing.”

  “But what about the living world? They’re losing precious time while we stand here and talk.” Roxie wanted to fly off, but she made no move to leave. She glanced about the city and the unchanging sunrise.

  “That depends on you.” Sekiro let go and stood back. “Time can grind to a standstill, or it can fly by, but you need to not worry about it right now. The Realm of the Dead lives outside of the mortal strictures of time. So, technically you have as much time as you need. I’m not sure how to explain this to you well because I still remember the awareness of the passage of time. But that’s an illusion, in a sense. There is only now. We have memory of the past, no memory of the future, yet we exist in the present. Time is--” Sekiro gave her another searching look. “I don’t think it’s going to matter what I say. You’re going to worry anyway.”

  Roxie’s shoulders drooped. “I’m sorry. I hear you. I just can’t help but feel there’s a time limit, even in a place like this.”

  Sekiro gave her a sympathetic smile. “That’s understandable, and there’s no need to apologize. Why don’t you fill me in on your getup and whatnot, and why you have to confront this Nexus character? It’ll give you a chance to relax a bit, along with a chance to acclimate your brain to living outside the strictures of time.” She plopped back down and sat cross-legged like a child waiting to listen to a story be told.

  Roxie took a deep breath to calm herself, then sat beside the Numina. A tiny part of her was screaming at her to get back up and keep moving. “Do you really think this is what we should be doing right now?”

  “There are many things you could do, but I believe this is the best path for you.” She spoke confidently like a teacher patiently conveying an oft-covered subject. “You have to be in a bit of shock right now. You’re a live one who’s mysteriously found her
way into the spirit world. I’d go into shock in your place. Take this moment to collect yourself while you tell me your story. Sound good?”

  Not knowing what else to do, she nodded her assent, then collected her thoughts and began with explaining her awkward childhood with glowing eyes, then meeting Aerigo only weeks ago and getting one heck of a reality check. Talking about him while he’d been alive wasn’t so bad. It was like a game of pretend, but as her story moved through Sconda and Druconica, then the attack on Phailon, she began dreading the conclusion. She also began to feel tired and starving. Her stomach growled several times.

  She glossed over the budding romance between her and Aerigo, since it had been ripped away from them both, summarized their stay in the hospital, and described the final lesson he’d given her. “And then some other stuff happened, I went to confront Nexus by myself, and next thing I know I wake up in my own bed in the spirit world. And that’s it, really.”

  “What happened to Aerigo? Why didn’t he help you confront Nexus after all that?”

  “He did.” It was an honest answer. The sight of him toppling with the dagger protruding from his chest replayed in her mind. Her arms twitched to catch him again. “But things didn’t go over well.” Sometime during telling of her story she’d developed a hunger headache. “I need to get down. I’m feeling lightheaded.” Clutching her temple in one hand, Roxie got up and dropped off the edge. Her wings caught the air with a snap and she sank to the tidy lawn, then slumped against one of the lighthouse’s eight sides, barely holding herself up with one arm.

  “Roxie!” Sekiro landed at her feet, then kneeled besides her, her face crinkled with worry. “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I feel so tired and hungry. It’s like I haven’t eaten or slept in weeks or something.” That was an exaggeration. They both knew it. She’d be dead in days without water--or would she, an Aigis? No matter the truth, she needed both badly for some reason. She closed her eyes. Hands grabbed her face, pulling her up from the downward spiral into sleep.

  “Don’t fall asleep!” Sekiro’s face hovered inches away.

  “Why?”

  “You’re dying. You need to get in contact with the living. Right now.”

  Chapter 3

  Sustenance

  “How?” Roxie gently removed Sekiro’s hands and pulled her own knees to her cuirass-armored chest. I’m dying?

  “I gotcha covered. Sorry if this makes you uncomfortable.” Sekiro turned Roxie’s head so she faced her, and put her hands on her shoulders. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to hers. “I have to tune myself to your third eye. This is the only way it works. Sorry.”

  “Anything to not die while I’m here.” Even though Roxie knew this contact wasn’t any sort of advance, she felt uncomfortable. Still, the last thing she needed was to die and actually belong in the spirit world. She closed her eyes.

  “Closing your eyes is fine, but don’t fall asleep, okay?”

  Roxie focused on staying awake as blood pounded away behind her eyelids. She squinted and fought the urge to lie down and clutch her aching head. A tingling sensation where their foreheads touched provided her with a merciful distraction, and then it felt like a hand was reaching into her skull through her forehead. She shivered involuntarily.

  “Sorry. The sensation will go away in a sec.” Sekiro’s voice sounded muffled and distant.

  The hand filled up her entire skull and settled there. Roxie lost the feeling of the world around her. It felt like she was being held up by a giant pillow floating in the middle of a motionless pond. She couldn’t feel Sekiro’s touch anymore; just warmth and stillness, and silence. She no longer felt her fatigue or pain. There was just her, as if she were in a meditative trance.

  “Okay, let’s go find some help.” Sekiro’s voice echoed, sounding like they were inside a small, vaulted room with a pool.

  Roxie opened her eyes. Instead of seeing the Numina’s face, she saw Buffalo splayed out below her, and without the grey film over everything. She flailed her limbs, then stopped when she realized she hadn’t started rushing towards the ground. She still expected to plummet at any moment. Her body was slumped against the lighthouse.

  “Don’t worry,” Sekiro’s voice said. “I gotcha.”

  It was nighttime. The city’s light pollution smudged out all but the brightest stars in the inky sky. “Is this the living world?” Her voice echoed as well. “Why are our voices echoing?”

  “We’re occupying two planes at once, so it’s like two of us are speaking at the same time. And yes. Where do you live?”

  Roxie’s mind honed in on the neighborhood outside of Buffalo, where her house sat. The city whipped by like someone was fast-forwarding aerial footage taken from a low-flying helicopter. They rushed past tall buildings and over rooftops and trees, then several neighborhoods and more trees before coming to a halt on the back porch to her house. She reached for the outer door. Instead of seeing her arm, her vision passed through the doors and stopped at the end of the hall. “Whoa. What just happened?”

  “Erratic continuity of the spirit world,” Sekiro said.

  Roxie looked down and saw her own body, but she was wearing her Versaton clothes, instead of her armor. She inspected both sides of her hands. They looked solid. “How did I pass through the doors?”

  “You’re not fully into the world of the living. You’re like a ghost right now, just a spirit among the living. Who are we looking for?”

  “My grandma.” Roxie looked at the two doors she’d just passed through and a wave of nausea gripped her. She still felt solid, yet she’d somehow passed right through another solid object. She involuntarily shivered again, creeped out by it all. She understood that that wasn’t what just happened, but her preconceptions of reality didn’t want to accept the truth. She desperately wanted to cling to the way things were supposed to be.

  Roxie tore her eyes from the undisturbed doors and took in her kitchen and living room, both of which lay empty. The curtains over the table were drawn, and a basket of fruit sat in the middle of the mahogany table. The counters were free of clutter, the sink empty, and the fridge softly hummed away, a few pieces of paper pinned to the upper half with magnets. Roxie crossed to the fridge and scanned the papers.

  One was a grocery list, another a flyer of coupons for gardening supplies, and the third a folded brochure advertising vacation spots in Florida. So Grandma had been able to go on about her life after their sudden parting. The sight was heartening. She’d worried about her in the back of her mind ever since. Now she could relax a bit, knowing there was less to worry about.

  The television was off and the couch empty. Grandma had accidentally fallen asleep on the couch every once in a while, which had always been amusing to walk in on, her grandmother’s mouth ajar and a soft snore coming from her throat. Roxie had always woken her to save her grandmother’s neck from the awkward angle.

  It had to be late enough at night for Grandma to be sleeping. The conclusion brought Roxie to right inside her grandmother’s bedroom. She flinched and shied towards the door. She’d never barged into her grandmother’s room before. It was quite the invasion of privacy. At least Grandma was sound asleep, so Roxie’s sudden appearance wouldn’t give her a heart attack. And good thing her Versaton outfit had returned. The last thing she needed was to reappear, looking like some sort of angel come to collect her grandmother and take her into the next life.

  Sekiro said, “Hmm, this might be a bit of a problem.”

  “How so?” Roxie whispered, her voice still echoing.

  “You don’t have to whisper, by the way. Unless she’s clairaudient, she’s not going to hear you.”

  “All the psychic stuff is real?” she said at normal volume.

  “It’s very real. I can explain it to you some other time.”

  “No, it’s okay. I believe you. My perception of reality has expanded quite a bit the last few weeks.” More information she’d have to sort through late
r. “What do you want me to do?” Grandma lay curled up on her side, her head sunk deep into her pillows. Slivers of light snuck into the room around the sides of her blinds, and a digital clock shined a deep red light from the nightstand.

  “Wake her up and convince her to feed you,” Sekiro said earnestly.

  Roxie turned to give the Numina an incredulous stare, but she wasn’t present.

  “Trust me on this. Your comment about starving reminded me of this Mexican I once guided. Just wake her up and I’ll explain more.”

  “Okay,” she said, anything but convinced. She snuck to Grandma’s bedside and tapped her on the shoulder. To Roxie’s relief, her hand didn’t pass through her, but Grandma didn’t stir. She gave a gentle shake and whispered to her. That didn’t work either, so, humoring all the shows where people hunted for ghosts, she knocked three times on the nightstand.

  Grandma’s deep breathing paused, and then she yawned.

  “Grandma?” Roxie said softly.

  Grandma rolled onto her other side so she lay facing Roxie, but settled back into her pillow with a sigh through her nose.

  Roxie called to her again, but got no response. She knocked on the nightstand three more times and her grandmother’s eyes popped open. She stared ahead brows furrowed, but didn’t seem to notice Roxie standing right in front of her. She slowly sat up, swung her legs over the side of the bed, making little noise, and looking more through than at her. Her ankle-length nightgown was bunched around her knees.