Determination

by Angela B. Macala-Guajardo

  Roxie nodded and stood beside the Numina. When she looked back down the highway, she flinched. The white ball and figure were maybe twenty yards away. They’d looked miles off seconds ago, yet approached at a casual pace.

  “Remember: time means nothing here.”

  “It’s so hard to forget that part,” Roxie said. “I don’t know how to make sense of it when I’ve always been told to make the best of every minute of my life.”

  “That’s understandable. Don’t fight it if it makes your brain hurt.”

  The dark figure fleshed out into a Numina, a male one. He looked Indian with his smooth caramel skin and dark hair. He wore a sherwani, a long button-down coat that came below his knees, and black slacks underneath. The sherwani look stylish enough for special occasions. It had a brass background with stencils of tigers and elephants cradling palm fronds and elephant grass. The Indian Numina’s wings looked like Sekiro’s dragonfly-faerie hybrid, but with fewer pointy ends. He tugged at one of his cuffs, met Roxie’s gaze, and smiled warmly.

  Roxie returned the smile, but then diverted her attention to the ball of light. It was half as big as the Indian Numina. From within it looked like a second man was stepping out of it with rays of sunlight showing through clouds from behind. It looked... heavenly. With all her knowledge and spiritual beliefs, she couldn’t think of a better word to describe it. The light faded and before her stood the man from all the family photos that Roxie recognized as her father. He had the same hair and dark eyes, same nose, same broad shoulders. He wore a navy blue coat and slacks, a loosened silver silk tie, and a pale blue dress shirt underneath with the top three buttons undone. No blood marred his clothing or features. He looked unharmed and puzzled and his eyes widened when he noticed Roxie.

  Roxie held herself back right as she started to run to him. Sekiro placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

  “Let him come to you. Trust me, he will. Asiya told me your dad likes to act upon things once he makes a decision. Sounds a bit like you,” she added cheerfully.

  Sekiro was right about Roxie’s bullheadedness. She couldn’t help it; it was just her nature. Still, it was neat to know she and her father shared a trait. Grandma had remarked now and then on what quirks and traits she got from which parent, but never did this often because it left a bittersweet after-feeling. The comparisons just slipped out now and then. This time, at least, it was mostly sweet and slightly bitter. “Should I get rid of my wings and armor?”

  “Nah, save yourself the trouble. He knows who you are. Besides, you’re gonna need them once it’s time to see your mom.”

  “Roxie?” Dad said, unsure.

  Roxie popped a big smile that had tears behind it. For the first time in her life she’d heard her father say her name. She forced herself to breathe evenly. She couldn’t afford to start crying. Not now. If she did, she might not be able to stop for a long time. Her grief over the loss of Aerigo was still roiling around in the back of her thoughts. “Hi, Dad.” Dad. Not “my dad” or “my father.” Just “dad.” What a strange feeling saying those two words generated. She couldn’t think of a good comparison to this moment. There probably was none. She felt more complete, more whole, being able to address her actual father, even though he’d been dead for eighteen years.

  “Oh, Roxie, it really is you.” Dad approached her with open arms and tears in his eyes. At the same time as Roxie let her heartstrings tug her towards her father, their respective Numina held them both back.

  Sekiro said to Roxie, “Would you be willing to donate some of your energy to him so you can hug him back and whatnot?”

  Roxie blinked at the question, then thought of all the shadow people she’d been unable to touch until they stole her energy. “Do you even have to ask?”

  “Just a courtesy thing,” she said with a shrug. “Hold out your hand to him. He’ll know when to stop.”

  Despite her eagerness to give sufficient energy to her father, the thought of the sensation of having it siphoned made her mentally grimace. It was about as comfortable as feeling like she was about to throw up. She held out her hand and Dad crossed to her without hesitation. Roxie clenched her teeth and tensed for the icy sensation, but she still flinched when his hand clasped hers and sent icy waves up her arm.

  “Sorry, Rox. And thank you.”

  “Of course.” She clenched her teeth as her brain screamed at her to get away from the iciness but she forced herself to hold still. “Don’t worry about it. It’s worth the discomfort.”

  Several agonizing seconds passed before Dad finally let go. Roxie stuck her numb hand in the warmth of her underarm and started breathing normally again.

  “You’re all grown up already,” Dad said. “I’m so sorry I missed it all. Your birth, childhood, growing up, graduating from high school. Everything.”

  “Dad, I--”

  “I wanted to be there for all of it, but I wasn’t. I’m so sorry.” He wrapped her in a hug and held her tight, the side of his head pressed against hers.

  Roxie gasped. Her father was still freezing to the touch all over and her armor didn’t offer much insulation. She forced herself to return the hug. “Dad, you don’t need to apologize.” She kept her arms around him but had to angle her hands away. He was just too cold. Her healing powers were barely keeping her teeth from chattering.

  “If I’d just driven slower, I would’ve made it. I would’ve been there for you and Dana.” His head shifted against Roxie’s ear and cheek. It felt like he was looking at the highway behind her. “I never would’ve hit that truck. Our lives would’ve turned out so differently.”

  Vehicles began passing by and through them, buffeting them with air and noises, and nothing more. Taller vehicles blotted out all light when they passed through them, startling Roxie. She turned when she heard a smash, followed by screeching tires. Her father’s Civic got t-boned again, rolled right through them and came to a rest just past them.

  Ah-yah--or whatever the other Numina’s name was--side-stepped the Civic and approached them. “Charles, you don’t have to relive this memory anymore.” His voice was heavily accented, yet soothing. “We’ve discussed it plenty and you’ve relived it more than enough.”

  Dad pulled Roxie back into a tight hug. “I know, but my daughter’s here. My own and only daughter! I was never there for her. I’ve failed her as a father!”

  “No, you didn’t,” Roxie said reflexively. Sure, he’d never been there for her, but death was a sufficient excuse. “You died. You can’t do anything once you’re dead.”

  “That’s exactly why I failed you.” Dad more pushed her aside than released her.

  She felt both relieved to be free of the icy embrace, yet hurt from the way he’d let go.

  He stared helplessly down the highway as the pile of cars vanished. Moving cars reappeared a second later, and the crash played out a third time. Dad kept his eyes on his totaled car. “If I’d just slowed down, instead of been in such a hurry to get to the hospital, none of this... I’m so sorry, Roxie. I don’t blame you if you hate me.”

  Roxie felt taken aback. Hating her parents had never crossed her mind her entire life. Grandma had made it perfectly clear that her parents had been looking so forward to Roxie’s arrival. Untimely deaths happened. It’s not like her parents had died on purpose. “Dad, I don’t hate you. I love you. You have no idea how happy I am to be able to talk to you right now.” Her comment about her happiness sounded so insincere that she felt grateful that her father wasn’t looking at her to see her grimace. She didn’t feel happy. She felt confused and blindsided. This meeting wasn’t turning out at all like she’d expected.

  She stood before her father. He looked up. She wrapped her arms around him and tried to block out the iciness of the touch. “I do love you. I have no reason to hate you.”

  Dad didn’t return the hug. “Yes you do. I was never there for you. I failed you as a father.”

  “I don’t care that you were never there, and you didn’t fail
me. You and Mom conceived me and loved me while you were alive. You’ve given me life and a chance to enjoy it. That’s enough for me and needs to be enough for you.” She looked at Sekiro and the Indian Numina, who were both watching with subdued gazes. “Sekiro, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I just want him to feel better. I don’t hate him at all. Why won’t he listen?”

  Dad slipped out of the hug, dropping to the pavement, and sat cross-legged with his head bowed. The lanes emptied once more.

  The Indian Numina knelt beside him. “Hm, he’s backsliding. It took me a while to coax him past this moment the first time. He carries so much regret because the accident was such an avoidable mistake.”

  “He’s human,” Roxie said. “We all make mistakes.”

  “Yes, but this one was fatal, and left a wife and daughter to go on without him.”

  “Wait, he doesn’t know that Mom died too?”

  The three of them looked at her in abject horror and a pregnant silence fell over them.

  Roxie’s face paled as she realized she probably shouldn’t have said that. She’d had this preconceived notion that her parents were together in death. So, when Sekiro had said there were two places to go to meet her parents, she’d been quite puzzled.

  “You’re an orphan,” Dad said in a hoarse voice. “Oh, god. What happened?”

  “She died shortly after giving birth to me. I don’t know the specifics. I never asked.” She turned to Sekiro. “How does he not know? Are the dead isolated from each other?”

  “It’s a complex answer. The dead have their own social network, but it’s so different from the living. It’s common to have soul mates together. However, once you see your mom, you’ll understand why your parents aren’t together in death.”

  “Why aren’t they?”

  “It’s best if you see firsthand, unless you don’t want to go anymore.”

  Roxie looked at her mourning father and the Numina kneeling beside him. She had a feeling it would be best to leave her mother undisturbed, but yet again she’d spend the rest of her life wondering what might’ve happened. Yes, the meeting with her father wasn’t pleasant; however, she’d got to hear his voice, hear him say her name, and hug him. She didn’t care about the coldness. His overwhelming regret worried her, though. “I still wish to go, but is there anything I can do to help my father first?”

  Sekiro looked at the other Numina. “Asiyah?”

  Asiyah nodded, then looked at Roxie and spoke in his heavy accent. “Keep giving him words of comfort. He will come around in time. Once he’d accepted that his mistake couldn’t be unmade, and that his family would find a way to go on without him, he was able to let go and move on the first time.” He rubbed Dad’s back. “You can stay and help if it’ll make you feel better, but it isn’t necessary. He just needs time before he’ll move forward again.”

  “I’d like to help. I just want him to be happy to see me.” She didn’t mean to say that aloud but it came out before she could take the truth back.

  Asiyah beckoned her to sit before Dad. “Just keep speaking words of comfort and reassurance to him. Your father’s determined to find inner peace, so don’t feel discouraged.”

  “Do you think I might actually see him happy?” She sat cross-legged with her knees grazing Dad’s, and her wings splayed out behind her.

  “Help him and reap the rewards from your efforts.”

  Roxie’s father sat hunched over with a dark aura encircling him, smudging the outline of his head. She took his icy hands in hers and felt his despair wash over her. She took a deep breath and mentally pushed it away, like chasing away a negative thought with a few choice positive ones. His hands were slightly larger than hers, and they looked strong, capable of wonderful things, and they felt unnaturally heavy. She had to use her superhuman strength to lift them high enough off his calves so she could wrap his hands in hers.

  Dad jerked his head and raised his despairing gaze. Their eyes met for a heartbeat before he bowed his head again.

  “Look at me, Dad,” Roxie said as gently and soothingly as she could manage while her heart broke anew. She’d been hoping to be the child, a daughter for once, but here she was playing the parental role for her own father. She felt disappointed. Still, if she could get just a smile out of him, this meeting would be worth the pain. Her father met her gaze again. “I love you. I always have and always will. I don’t hate you for dying in that car accident. You were just trying to get to the hospital so you could be there for me and mom.”

  “But what about me not being there for you all your life?”

  “It can’t be undone. Yes, I missed you. Yes, I would have loved for you to be there. It does leave a hole in my heart, but they aren’t valid reasons to hate you. I know you would’ve been a wonderful dad if you’d had the chance.” As cheesy as it may have sounded, she believed what she said. The way Grandma had talked about Dad, and the way he was acting now, it was plain that him being a father would’ve brought them both immeasurable happiness. “Please listen to me. I truly love you and want you to be able to move on.”

  Dad took one of Roxie’s hands in both of his and began gently rubbing, whether to soothe her or himself she wasn’t sure, but at least it felt more like a father-daughter interaction. “I believe you but I don’t understand why you don’t hate me.”

  “Because you’re my dad. Every daughter needs her father.” Tears pushed their way to the forefront and blurred her vision. She took steadying breaths and forced herself to be strong for them both. “And besides, you’re only human. You made a mistake. That’s all. I forgive you for it, and I’m sure mom does, too.”

  Dad broke into tears and pulled Roxie into a tight hug. She had to rise to a kneel so the awkward angle wouldn’t strain her back and Dad sputtered a mix of apologies and thanks between sobs. Roxie rubbed his back as she gently parried his apologies, yet accepted his gratitude as tears tried to push through again. His crying tempted her to cry as well. She ignored having superhuman strength and hugged him as hard as she could. To her relief, he was indifferent to her strength.

  It felt like days had passed by the time Dad’s sobs finally ebbed and he let go. She sat on her heels as her father wiped away his tears. Her arms ached, and so did her heart. He got to his feet. Roxie stood with him, hoping her father’s internal turmoil had been eased. To her surprise, he rewarded her with a tired smile.

  “I apologize for all my tears and unhappiness, Roxie.”

  Roxie tried to interject, but he held up a hand.

  “You’ve given me a chance to be there for you, but all I did was fall apart. That was wrong of me. I won’t do it again. I’m not sure what to do now, though. I want to be there for you but at the same time I feel my personal journey tugging at me.” He looked at his Numina. “Asiyah, what should I do?”

  Asiyah turned to Sekiro. “Where are you taking her?”

  Sekiro grimaced. “I have to take her to Thanatos once she’s ready. He already knows she’s here. Hopefully he’ll help her get back to the living.”

  “That’s quite the gamble.”

  She nodded. “We have no choice, and probably no other way to get her out.”

  “Mm. I wish you luck.”

  “Who’s Thanatos?” Roxie asked.

  “God of the dead,” Sekiro said. “That big black shadow thing was a manifestation of his being.”

  Asiyah turned back to Dad. “Charles, it would be wiser for you to return to your path, but if you wish to spend some time with your daughter, I can’t see the harm in it. You have, after all, never spent time together until now.”

  Dad beamed at Roxie, who couldn’t help but smile back. That was the smile she wanted to see.

  Sekiro unhappily said, “We’re headed to her mom next. It won’t be a pretty sight.” She fell quiet but continued to stare intently at Asiyah, who then nodded.

  “Charles, that is something Roxie needs to do alone.”

  Dad considered Roxie with a thoughtful glance, the
n turned back to his Numina and said, “I understand. I would like to take her to one place before we part ways. Would that be alright?”

  “Where did you have in mind?” Asiyah said.

  “A nice altar. This is for me.”

  He thought a moment. “Follow me.” He began walking down the highway, back towards the heart of Buffalo. Sekiro hurried to walk beside Asiyah, then fell in step with him, their transparent wings swaying and bouncing with their purposeful strides.

  Dad held out an arm. Roxie laced her arm in his like a lady holding on to her gentleman and they followed the Numina.

  “I love you, Roxie,” Dad said. “Very much. I’m so grateful to have this chance to let you know that.”

  “Me, too. I love you, too.” Her words came out thin as her throat constricted with tears. There was a huge difference between implicitly knowing and actually hearing him declare his love for her, the latter having such a powerful impact. She rested her head on his shoulder and he squeezed her hand. They walked on, the tapping of their shoes filling the air, Roxie’s having a light metallic clink every time her heels touched the ground.

  “I know what you are by the way.”

  Roxie straightened up but still held on. “How... when?”

  “I didn’t know until right before I died, that you aren’t only human, that you’re also an Aigis. I’m not sure how to explain it. The instant before my soul left Earth’s physical plane lasted more than an instant somehow. Someone named Baku spoke to me, revealed the truth about you to me. He thought I had a right to know.”

  The lighting darkened. They stood next to wooden double doors inside a vaulted church. The Numina were nowhere in sight, but this didn’t alarm Roxie. She had a feeling they were nearby, watching over them.

  The church looked like a piece of a memory or dream. Some details were easy to see. The rest was lost in gloom. The deep red carpet leading up to the altar was plain to see, as were the dozens of pews on either side. The carpet sprawled over several marble steps and ended at the base of a marble altar. Behind it stood a giant window where the sun shined through. To either side of the pews was darkness, and the ceiling was lost in darkness as well, as if both spaces weren’t important enough to be made visible. Dad began leading her down the aisle at a leisurely stroll.