My Soul Cries Out

by Sherri L. Lewis

  I turned on the overhead car light and scanned the CD jacket. I recognized most of the songs, but there were a few new ones. I turned to the dedication. After he gave the usual thanks to God for his gift and anointing, Kevin’s next words were, “To Monica, the love of my life. Forever.”

  I didn’t know how to feel about that. It had been thirteen months since Kevin and I went our separate ways, and he was still talking forever.

  As I listened to the first song, one of my favorites, I tried to evaluate my feelings for him. I knew I would always love him because we started out as best friends. Whether I could work through forgiveness and the whole sexual identity issue? That was the real question.

  I had no frame of reference for this situation. It wasn’t like there was anyone I could talk to or any book I knew of I could read. Could I trust him when he had kept a huge secret from me about who he was? Would he ever cheat on me again? Could a man really be delivered from homosexuality, and if so, how?

  That familiar sadness crept in. Was I really better in my new life or had I taken escaping to a whole new level in a whole new city? Then again, what could I do but move forward?

  I wondered how Kevin was doing. I appreciated him not contacting me, but I missed him. Missed his laugh. Missed his smile. Missed his eyes.

  On the one hand, I hoped he was getting over me. Then there was this totally insane part of me that felt sad at the thought of him getting over me. I had long given up trying to control my emotions when it came to Kevin, and accepted the fact that they weren’t going to make sense. I was stuck somewhere between “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “time heals all wounds.”

  I flipped the jacket over and my stomach turned when I saw Bishop Walker ’s picture. He had a little blurb about how proud he was of Kevin and how God had blessed him and blah, blah, blah. I would never look at him the same.

  I skipped to the last song, one I didn’t recognize by name. It was just Kevin and his acoustic guitar, playing the melody to that little love song he wrote for me. As I listened to him sing the lyrics, I felt every word he sang. They cut down deep to the core of me and unlocked a place I thought I successfully closed off. The tears started falling. I stopped the song. Why torture myself?

  When I got home, I was surprised to see Alaysia’s car in the parking lot. I expected her to be out with Khalil on a Valentine’s date. Khalil was probably here with her. She tried to respect my privacy by not having him at the house 24/7, which I appreciated. Not so much for privacy’s sake, but because it was so hard seeing them in love. She probably invited him over because she thought I would be out late with Talinda.

  When I got upstairs, they were sitting hugged up on the couch, watching a movie. Great. Just what I needed, to see the lovebirds after listening to Kevin’s album. I carried my shopping bags straight to my room. I splashed my eyes in cold water because I knew Alaysia wouldn’t be far behind me.

  After a few seconds, she knocked on my door. “Hey, Monnie. I didn’t know you were gonna be here. Sorry about—”

  “It’s no problem, Laysia. You and Khalil are fine.”

  “You okay?”

  I tried to smile as I held up my Limited Express bags. “Look. I shopped in the skinny girl store today.” I pulled out a pair of jeans and held up the tag.

  Alaysia laughed and gave me a high five. “A twelve? You go, girl.” She sat down on the bed, looking at me in that funny way she looked at me when she knew something was wrong.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  I pulled out my other bag and held up the CD. “My other purchase for today.”

  She looked at the CD, then her eyes widened. “Oh my.” She looked at me then looked down at the CD again. “That’s Kevin.”

  “Yeah, that’s Kevin.”

  “Give me five minutes and I’ll send Khalil home. I’ll be right back.”

  “Alaysia, you don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”

  “Five minutes. He was leaving soon anyway. We have church in the morning.”

  “Church? We?”

  She smiled and slipped out the door. Ten minutes later, she came back. “Sorry ’bout that.”

  “You don’t have to apologize and you didn’t have to send him home.”

  “I know. I feel like I’ve been neglecting you lately. We haven’t spent any time together in forever.”

  “Girl, you’ve been spending time with your man. Trust me, if I had a man in my life right now, I’d be kicking you to the curb, too.”

  “Yes, I do recall you becoming ghost on me when one certain fine musician came along.” She sat down on my bed and picked up the CD. “Did you know the album was out?”

  “No. I mean, I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know when. They must have rushed it because the original plan was an April release date.” I curled my lips. “Bishop Walker probably pushed him to do it sooner.”

  “Whew. Bitterness does not look good on you, girl.”

  “What?”

  “You should see your face when you said his name. All crunched up and ugly. You need to forgive and release, girl. Hate and resentment aren’t good for you.”

  “All right, Reverend Alaysia.” I sat down on the bed next to her. “What’s this about you going to church tomorrow?”

  “It’s no big deal. Khalil’s been inviting me, and I decided to give it a try. If his church’s beliefs are anything like him, I think it’ll be different from most churches. Wanna go?”

  “Naw. Can’t say I’m in much of a churchy mood right now.”

  She put an arm around my shoulders. “I’m sorry, Monnie. I don’t know what to say.”

  “I know. Me either. I don’t know how to feel about the album. Or about Kevin. All I know is right now I’m taking care of me. I feel like I’m a much stronger person now and that’s what counts.”

  Alaysia nodded. “Yeah? Good, girl. I’m proud of you. I know this hasn’t been easy. Who knows what will happen? Look at me and Khalil’s happy ending.”

  I slipped off my shoes and stood to get my pajamas out of the chest of drawers. “Yeah, you guys are an inspiration to failed relationships everywhere.” I walked toward the bathroom to change.

  “I know you don’t think you going to bed. I sent my man home to be with you? Naw, wench, you staying up with me.”

  I yawned. “Come on, man, I’m tired. All that shopping took it out of me.” It was really the emotions that had drained me.

  “I ain’t trying to hear it. Meet me in the kitchen after you change into your jammies. I got some chocolate ice cream. Your favorite.”

  As she left, I tried to remember the last time I ate chocolate.

  We sat up half the night at the kitchen table, giggling and gossiping over soy ice cream. It wasn’t Tom & Larry’s, but it was still good. I finally looked at the clock. It was two in the morning. “Girl, you ain’t gon’ make it to church tomorrow.”

  Alaysia’s eyes widened when she looked at the clock. “Oh, my goodness. See, this is what I get for not spending any time with you. Trying to get it all in one evening. I gotta go to church. I promised Khalil.”

  “Thanks, Laysia. I needed some girl time.”

  She gave me a hug. “Sorry I been neglecting you.”

  When I got back to my bedroom, I stared at the phone a few minutes and wondered if Kevin was awake. I dialed the number before I lost my nerve.

  “Hello?” He sounded a little groggy.

  “Hey, Kevin.”

  “Monica?” I could hear the surprise in his voice.

  “Yeah, Kevin, it’s me. How are you?”

  “I’m . . . I . . . wow . . . I can’t believe you called.”

  “Yeah, I was, uh, shopping today, and I see this big picture of you posted in the Christian bookstore. I got the album.”

  “Yeah? What’d you think?”

  “It’s awesome, Kevin, just like I knew it would be. Congratulations. You guys did a really good job.” I slipped into my bed.

  “Thanks, Monnie.
That means a lot coming from you.”

  There was an uncomfortable silence. I pulled the covers up around my neck, trying to get rid of a sudden case of the shivers.

  “I was surprised to see it out so soon. I didn’t think you were releasing it until April.”

  “Bishop wanted to push the date up some. He thought we were ready to go ahead and make it happen. I guess he was right. It just took a lot of late nights and a lot of extra work.”

  I wanted to ask what the rush was, but didn’t bother. Probably part of Bishop Walker ’s plan for money for his new building. “You okay, Kevin? You don’t sound right.”

  “I’m a little tired. We’ve been doing a lot of traveling and album release parties and guest appearances and all sorts of stuff I wasn’t ready for. There’s a lot more to releasing an album than just releasing an album.”

  At that moment, I wished I could give him a nice supportive hug and let him lay his head in my lap and fall asleep. It was weird because I had started to believe I was over him. Maybe it was just being concerned about someone I loved. It didn’t have to mean I was still “in love” with him.

  “Monica, you still there?”

  “Yeah, just thinking. Don’t overdo it, Kevin. You know how you catch colds real quick when you don’t get enough rest. And you know how your stomach gets if you’re not eating right. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”

  “Nice to know you care, Monnie.”

  The smile in his voice let me know I needed to end this conversation.

  “I just wanted to call to say congratulations. I hope the album and the tour are a great success.” I turned off the lamp on the nightstand.

  “Thanks. I really appreciate that.”

  As I was about to hang up, he said, “Hey, we’re gonna be coming to Atlanta sometime this spring. I don’t have the schedule in front of me, but is it okay if . . . I mean, it might be a nice if . . . if you’re not too busy . . .”

  “I’d love to take you out to dinner when you come, Kevin. Just let me know when you’ll be here.”

  I heard him let out a deep breath. “I will. As soon as I know. I can schedule a few extra days there so we can spend some time together.”

  I hesitated. “Sounds good, Kevin. Let me know when.”

  “Monnie?” he said as I was about to hang up again.

  “Yeah?”

  “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

  Couldn’t let me off the phone without sticking a knife through my heart. “Oh, yeah. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too, Kevin.”

  36

  The next morning when Alaysia came in from church, I was sitting on the couch reading my Bible. I was making more of a concerted effort to spend time with God. I was beginning to understand what the phrase “intimacy with God” meant. He was becoming my best friend. I could talk to Him about anything and everything. I cried in His lap often, and felt like He was really with me and would never leave me. Slowly but surely, through time in His presence, reading my Bible and books on emotional healing, I was getting better. I wasn’t ready for church yet, but my relationship with Him was stronger than it had ever been.

  Alaysia tiptoed past me like she was trying not to disturb my quiet time.

  “Hey, how was church?”

  She turned and smiled, then dropped onto the couch next to me like she was just waiting for me to ask. “It was the wildest thing. They spoke in tongues.” She waited for me to react, but when I didn’t say anything, she kept going at a mile a minute. “I had heard about it before, but I thought it was just for crazy, religious fanatic type people. But then I looked at Khalil to say ‘These people are crazy. Let’s get out of here,’ and he was speaking in tongues too. Now, I know Khalil, and he’s not a crazy religious fanatic, so then I started to wonder about the whole thing like, wow, is it really real? And if so, what does that say about your God? It sure makes Him seem realer than the rest, you know?”

  Alaysia was talking so fast I almost stopped her to tell her to breathe. “Then they started singing in tongues, everybody all together. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. It made me feel . . . I don’t know, I guess like your yoga word, zingy. But much better. I closed my eyes and let it overtake me, and I felt like I could fly, like I could literally go straight to heaven and meet God for myself. I got goose bumps it was so real.”

  I smiled.

  “What? You don’t believe me? If it wasn’t for Khalil doing it, I wouldn’t have believed it either, but it’s real. I promise you. I felt God today.”

  “I believe you.”

  Alaysia took off her shoes and flexed her feet. “You gotta come next Sunday. You gotta see it for yourself.”

  I laughed.

  “What? You’ve heard it before?”

  “I’ve done it before.”

  Alaysia’s eyes widened. “You’ve done it before? When? How? Have you done it more than once? What did it feel like?”

  “Slow down. One question at a time. I got filled with the Holy Spirit when I was fifteen. I grew up in a Pentecostal church, and it was almost a requirement to be a member. I used to pray in the Spirit almost every day when me and God were tight, but then, you know, all the drama happened and my prayer life slacked off. But lately, me and God are patching things up, and it’s a part of my daily prayer life again.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you speak in tongues? What does it do?”

  “When you pray in the spirit, your spirit is communicating directly with God’s spirit, and it doesn’t give your mind a chance to get in the way. I like to open my prayer time that way. It gives me a chance to shut out the world and focus on God. And sometimes when I don’t know exactly what to say, I pray in the spirit. Even if my mind doesn’t know what to say, my spirit does.”

  “That sounds real cool. I can’t believe you never told me about this. How could you know about something so spiritual and beautiful and not share it with me? I always share my spiritual discoveries with you.”

  “Gimme a break. When we were in college, if I even mentioned God’s name, you didn’t want to hear about it.”

  “I’m not talking about then. I’m talking about now. I thought we were on a journey of spiritual discovery together.”

  “Yeah, but we’re on different paths of spiritual discovery. You’re talking about crystals and chakras and chi and moons in alignment and past lives.”

  “That’s not the point. I was sharing stuff I thought was important and real. You have this . . . this supernatural experience on a daily basis and you don’t even mention it.”

  “I guess you gave me a complex in the past. Whenever I tried to share anything about God with you, you didn’t want to hear it.”

  “That was before. Never mind. Now that I know this secret, you have to tell me all about it. I want to know everything. How can I get it?”

  I laughed. “Can we take this to the kitchen? I’m starving.”

  She slapped her forehead. “Oh yeah, Khalil’s on his way over for brunch. I’m supposed to be cooking. Oops, I hope it’s okay. I forgot to ask you first.”

  “Of course it’s okay. As long as you don’t start the evening symphonies, I’m cool.”

  Alaysia blushed. Back when we lived in the condo and she had “company,” things got pretty loud at night. I guess she thought she was being discreet by bringing them in late and making sure they left by the time I got up, but all the noise ruined any pretense of discretion. One day, she asked me if I minded her having company, and I said I couldn’t sleep too well with her symphony going on in the next room.

  “With our bedrooms so far apart, I probably wouldn’t hear anything,” I said.

  “What are you talking about? We’re staying celibate. There won’t be anything to hear.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  Alaysia looked insulted. “What? You don’t think I can stay celibate in a relationship? You did it for two years.”

  “Yeah, and now we know why
I was successful, don’t we? Really, though, it’ll be harder because you guys have been intimate before. Once you’ve crossed the line, it’s hard to go back to just holding hands.”

  “Whatever, Monnie.”

  “All right, remember you’ve been warned. Be careful.”

  “I’m fine. The new me is like you. Pure as the driven snow.”

  The doorbell rang. Alaysia jumped. “Oh my God, he’s here and we haven’t cooked a thing.”

  “We? I don’t remember making any commitments to cook.”

  “Please, Monnie, help me throw something together.”

  “You know what? You—”

  “I love you, too.” She pushed me toward the kitchen. “Just start slicing some fruit. I’ll do the rest.”

  “You darn skippy you’ll do the rest.”

  Alaysia went to open the door and came back to the kitchen hand in hand with Khalil. They both looked like school kids, happy to be “going together.”

  “Hey, Monica. Good to see you.” Khalil bent to kiss my cheek.

  “Hey, Khalil. I hope you’re not too hungry. Your girl here was too busy going on and on about church to start cooking.”

  He gave Alaysia a full kiss on the lips. “I guess that means you enjoyed it.”

  “Yeah, I was telling her about the speaking in tongues part, and she knows all about it. She’s even done it before.’

  Khalil chuckled and kissed Alaysia on the nose. “You are so cute.”

  “I’m glad you guys are amused with me. Okay, you have to explain it to me. How do you do it?”

  I stared as Alaysia plopped into one of the kitchen chairs. I raised my eyebrows and gestured with the knife at the cutting board to invite her to help me put together this brunch she scheduled. She either didn’t notice or ignored me. Khalil sat down next to her. I figured I’d cut her some slack and be Martha while she sat like Mary at Jesus’ feet.

  Khalil helped Alaysia flip through the Bible he bought her. “First Corinthians is right here. Turn to chapter twelve. Put a finger there, and also turn to John chapter fourteen.”