My Soul Cries Out

by Sherri L. Lewis

  I leaned forward on the bed, hardly breathing. “What’d they say?”

  “They were upset. Real upset.”

  My heart fell.

  “They couldn’t understand why I hadn’t told them before. They said I had been carrying too much by myself all this time, and that God made us brothers so we could carry each other’s spiritual burdens. They said I should have trusted them enough to tell them. I told ’em I was worried they’d change up on me.”

  Kevin stopped. His voice got choked up. “And they said, ‘Never that, dawg. We brothers for life, up or down, ride or die. We got your back, man. All the way.’ I told them I was sorry for not trusting them, but I could never say how grateful I was for having friends like them in my life.”

  Kevin shook his head. “Then they both laid hands on me and prayed for me. Monnie, nobody’s ever prayed for me like that in my life. They went back to my childhood and rebuked every spirit that had ever attacked my manhood. They prayed for our marriage and for our future together. They prayed I’d be able to stand as a healed, whole, complete man of God and be a leader to my family. I never felt anything so strong in my life.”

  “Oh, Kevin.”

  “And then they hugged me. Both of ’em. And they weren’t scared of me. And for the first time in my life, I wasn’t scared of them. And I didn’t feel anything. I mean, I felt their friendship, but I didn’t feel anything . . . you know, like I shouldn’t have been feeling. I just felt washed and whole and strong and new and . . . I . . . I felt delivered.”

  “Wow, Kevin. I don’t know what to say. Except God is more faithful than I could have ever imagined. I’m glad you were able to tell them and glad they were the men of God I knew them to be.”

  “Monnie, I . . . I can’t thank you enough for believing in me and believing in God for me. When you left me, I thought my life was over. I thought Satan had beat me for good and I’d never be delivered. I felt like I woke up from the best dream back into the nightmare my life had always been and that things would never be good again. And now . . .”

  “Now, what?”

  “God is good. That’s all I can say.”

  I smiled and took his hand. He pulled me into his arms and we held each other. I felt more love for Kevin than I ever felt before, and I felt more love coming from him than I ever felt before. I felt like God was standing there hugging both of us and melding our hearts even closer together.

  Kevin pulled back and looked me in the eye. “There’s one more thing. I need . . . I want you to go to my therapy appointment with me next week. Dr. Farley says I’m doing great, but there’s one big issue I want to deal with, and I need you there to do it.”

  “What is it?”

  “We’ll talk about it when we get there. A’ight?”

  “Okay, Kevin. Is everything all right?”

  He grinned that crooked little-boy grin I so loved. “Yeah. Better than all right.”

  60

  Kevin clasped my hand in his as we sat in Dr. Farley’s waiting room. His leg was bouncing and his eyes were blinking.

  The door opened and a tall, olive-toned man with a comforting smile gestured for us to come in. “Kevin.” They shook hands. “And you must be Monica. You’re right, Kevin, she is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.”

  I elbowed Kevin in the side. “You been talking about me?”

  We followed Dr. Farley into his tastefully decorated office and sank into the plush armchairs facing his silver-framed glass desk.

  “Monica, I’m glad you agreed to join us today. Let me start out by saying Kevin has made a considerable amount of progress over the past two months. If all my patients were as committed to the healing process as he is, my job would be much easier.”

  I smiled and nodded at Kevin.

  Dr. Farley continued, “There are two issues Kevin is still dealing with, and I thought he needed you here to be able to work through them.” He nodded at Kevin.

  Kevin said, “Ever since that day in the hospital, I’ve been thinking about what you said. About all the little boys at Love and Faith in D.C. and Alexandria. How they’re still in danger. How I have a responsibility to make sure the men who molested me don’t have a chance to molest them.”

  I nodded.

  “I’ve decided since Bishop Walker isn’t going to address it, I need to go to his superiors. I’ve written letters to the Bishops’ council governing Love and Faith.”

  I squeezed his hand. “That’s great. I’m proud of you.”

  “One thing, though. I don’t know what Bishop Walker is capable of and whether he’ll do what he threatened to do. If he does, things could get ugly for me and our names and our marriage. Our whole life may be exposed. I need to know you’re willing to risk that.”

  “I’ll be right by your side, Kevin. I’m behind you one hundred percent.” God, please, don’t let that happen. Haven’t we been through enough?

  He smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Monnie. I feel like it’s something I gotta do, no matter what the outcome. If I can prevent one little boy from having to live through what I’ve lived through, it’ll be worth it.”

  Dr. Farley said, “Kevin and I drafted the letters last week, but he wanted to talk to you before he sent them out.” Dr. Farley looked at Kevin. “The second issue is a bit more difficult.”

  Kevin grabbed my hand. His hand almost slid off mine, it was so sweaty. “I . . . I wanted us to talk about . . . I . . .” He looked at Dr. Farley. Kevin took a deep breath. “Monnie, I’m afraid I don’t please you sexually.”

  I looked at Kevin, then looked at Dr. Farley, then looked at Kevin again. My silence said everything. I tried to fix it. “I wouldn’t say that. I mean, it’s not like I’m some big expert or anything. You’re the only person I’ve been with, so I don’t have anything to compare it to.”

  “Yeah, but you know whether you enjoy it or not. Come on, Monnie. In this room, we’re honest about everything. That’s the only way for things to get better.”

  I took a deep breath. “Okay, sometimes it seems like you’re afraid or nervous or you don’t want to do it. You’re affectionate until it’s time to make love, then you’re an ice cube.”

  Dr. Farley leaned forward. “Monica, it’s important for you to understand this is a very natural reaction for someone who’s been molested. It’s not so much the homosexual issue as it is that Kevin’s first sexual experiences were traumatic, violating, and terrifying. Even worse, they were committed by supposedly spiritual men who Kevin should have been able to trust. Up until his relationship with you, all Kevin’s sexual experiences were negative ones. Any pleasure he might have gotten from his relationship with Trey was overwhelmed by intense feelings of guilt, self-hatred, and fear of literally going to hell. Therefore, in Kevin’s mind, sex is bad, sex is evil, sex is painful. Anytime he comes together with you, he brings all these thoughts with him. We’ve talked through the nightmares and have done some cognitive therapy to reshape his thoughts and attitudes about sex. Kevin still has some issues, and that’s where you come in.” He nodded at Kevin again.

  “I want to make love to you,” Kevin said. “But I’m afraid of what you think of me. I feel like you don’t expect me to . . . perform well, and then I’m afraid you’ll be thinking about whether I’m a real man or not.”

  I rubbed his hand. “It’s not that I think you won’t perform well. There have been times you’ve performed very well. It was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. I felt like heaven and earth moved. Those were the times you were relaxed. Like when we went to Florida that time and had so much fun. And definitely when we went to Jamaica. But most of the time, you’re so tense that it makes me tense, and I don’t think either one of us gets anything out of it.”

  Dr. Farley stepped in. “Kevin wanted you to understand all this so that the two of you could work on this issue. Half of the battle is knowing what’s going on inside each other.”

  I nodded.

  Dr. Farley said, “Monica, is there
anything you want to talk about?”

  I shrugged. “Not really.” It felt weird talking to a strange white guy about our sex life. Kevin seemed comfortable with him, but that’s because they had talked about all sorts of deep and personal stuff for the last few months.

  “Are you sure, Monica? This would be a good time to get it out.” Dr. Farley’s eyes probed into my heart.

  “I guess my question is the obvious question. When we talked about what happened that day with Trey, Kevin just said it was a mistake. I still don’t understand why. I’ve forgiven Kevin, but there’s that question in the back of my mind. If I don’t know why, how can I be sure it won’t happen again? I thought we were happy. Why all of a sudden, out of nowhere, would he do that?”

  “Ask him.”

  I turned to Kevin. “Why all of a sudden, out of nowhere, would you do that?”

  Kevin stared at his shoes. “I’ve asked myself that same question every day for the past nineteen months. All those days I was without you, alone in a cold bed. Then, since we’ve been back together, I realize how much I love you and how much you love me. I keep asking myself, what made me do that?” Kevin rubbed his chin. “I didn’t understand ’til Dr. Farley and I talked about it. To me, it still isn’t a good enough reason. I don’t feel like I can offer you a reason to explain breaking your heart.”

  “What did you come up with when you and Dr. Farley talked about it?”

  Dr. Farley said, “I think it stemmed from the exact issue we were talking about. Kevin was very uncomfortable in his sex life with you. He needed to express himself sexually, and along comes the only person he ever had a somewhat positive sexual experience with. It was almost inevitable. People naturally have a need for sexual intimacy. To be in a close relationship and not be able to express that is quite difficult. I think it’s amazing that people of the Christian faith are able to maintain celibacy in intimate relationships.”

  I nodded, trying to process what he was saying. “So you’re telling me Kevin needed to express himself sexually, but he wasn’t comfortable with me, but he was comfortable with Trey. I guess I understand, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Just brings us back to the same point. What needs to happen for Kevin to be comfortable with me sexually?”

  Kevin took my hand. “I think a lot of the work I’ve done with Dr. Farley has helped. Everything in my life right now has helped. The Lifelines classes. Just being in God’s presence and being able to deal with the stuff I’ve kept inside all these years. All I need now is to know you forgive me and believe in me as a man.”

  “I’ve forgiven you the best I know how. This talk has helped. Seeing the new man you’re becoming has helped a lot, too. I don’t believe you’re the same man you were when you cheated on me with Trey. I understand what your childhood did to you and everything you’ve been doing these past few months has brought healing. I just want you to be able to relax.”

  “I will relax. Once I know you forgive me, and you love me, and you know I’m a man and believe I can . . . you know . . . please you.”

  I nodded. “I do, but . . . now it’s gonna be weird. The first time we try, I’m gonna be wondering if you’re okay and you’re gonna be wondering if I’m okay, and we’ll both be nervous, and then if things don’t work because we’re nervous, the next time we try, we’ll both remember the first time we tried and it didn’t work that time, so we won’t expect it to work the second time and then this vicious cycle. How do we keep that from happening?”

  Kevin looked at Dr. Farley as if to second my question.

  “Watching the two of you and your interactions, I can tell how much you love each other,” Dr. Farley said. “The pain in your eyes, Monica, when we talk about Kevin’s past. The way you instinctively rub his arm when he discusses difficult issues, the way he looks at you when he talks about making love to you. That’s all you need. The love you already have inside and an understanding of what’s going on inside each other’s minds. Kevin, you now understand Monica does enjoy you when you’re relaxed—that you do please her. Monica, you now understand the torment that went on inside of Kevin every time he approached you for intimacy. That knowledge will help you work through these issues. And time. If things don’t go perfect the first time, that doesn’t mean the second time won’t ‘shake heaven and earth’.”

  I blushed at Dr. Farley’s use of my description.

  “Just commit to keep trying until you guys get it right.”

  I took Kevin’s hand and smiled. “I’m glad I understand now. It really wasn’t my weight, huh?”

  “No, it wasn’t. And when it’s time for us to come together again, I fully intend to show you how beautiful and sexy I think you are.”

  I didn’t want to ask the unspoken question. When would it be time for us to come together again?

  61

  Alaysia went through great pains planning her baptismal ceremony. While searching the Internet, she found what looked like a great beach house at Tybee Island. She made arrangements for Zanetta, Eric, and Talinda to teach our classes and clients at the gym for the weekend. She shopped for hours to find a beautiful, white, flowing linen dress.

  “Why the dress?” I asked as she studied herself in the full-length mirror in her bedroom.

  “Promise you won’t laugh?”

  “Of course not.”

  “I figure since the church is the bride of Christ, and I’m about to become a part of the church, it’s sort of like marrying Jesus. I want to be a beautiful bride for him.”

  “That’s sweet, Alaysia. I wouldn’t laugh at that.”

  “I’m glad to be saved. When I think about all the things I’ve done in my life and the fact that He’s willing to forgive me . . . it’s hard to imagine. Just think—all my sins will be washed away in the ocean. The tide will carry them far away to the sea of forgetfulness, like I never did it.”

  I smiled.

  “What? Are you laughing at me?”

  “No, I think it’s beautiful that you have more of an appreciation for your salvation than some people who’ve been saved all their life.”

  “I guess I’m like the woman with the alabaster box. I know I’ve been forgiven of many sins, so I appreciate Him saving me so much more.”

  “You spend too much time with Khalil. You’re becoming a walking Bible like him.”

  “I found white bathing suits for you and Nakia with white bathing suit covers and sarongs. And the guys can wear white shirts and shorts.”

  “Now all we need is the bridesmaid flowers,” I joked.

  Alaysia’s eye’s brightened. “That’s perfect. We should get some calla lilies for you guys to carry.”

  I smiled.

  “You promised you wouldn’t laugh.”

  “I’m not laughing. You a special person, you know that, Alaysia?”

  The phone rang. Alaysia grabbed it. “Hello?” She smiled. “Hey, Kevin, how are you?” She paused. “I’m good. Here’s Monica. Huh?” She frowned. “Oh, okay. What’s up?” Her mouth flew open. “Oh, Kevin, that’s a great idea. Of course.” She turned her back to me. “Of course, that would be wonderful. I wouldn’t mind at all. Oooh, that’s so special.” She did a little happy dance. “Huh? Okay, I won’t tell her.” She listened. “Okay. Talk to you later.” She hung up the phone and started walking out of her bedroom.

  “Uummmm, excuse me?” I said.

  She turned around with her innocent face on. “Huh?”

  “You won’t tell me what?”

  “So you heard me tell him I wouldn’t tell you. Why you asking then?”

  “Don’t even try it. You know I hate secrets.”

  “Are you asking me to betray the trust of a fellow Christian?”

  “Stop playing, Laysia. What’d he say?” I put my hands together, pleading with her. “At least give me a little hint.”

  “Okay, here’s a hint. Kevin loves you very much.” She popped me on the arm and walked out of the room.

  “No fair!” I decided to
go to the source, and picked up her phone.

  Kevin must have recognized my number on the caller ID. “Hello, Monnie. I know what you’re calling for, and it’s a surprise. You’re gonna have to wait. Talk to you later. Bye.” Click.

  62

  The six of us piled into Kevin’s Excursion and headed for Tybee Island. We laughed and talked the whole ride down. Kevin drove and was quieter than usual.

  I squeezed his knee. “You okay?”

  He smiled and took a quick glance over at me. “I’m fine, just thinking.”

  “About what?”

  “About your surprise.”

  “You mean I get it this weekend?”

  “Yep.”

  “When?”

  “What y’all whispering about up there?” Alaysia poked her face in between our seats.

  “My surprise that you know about that I don’t know about.” I scowled at her.

  “You’ll get it soon enough. Be patient.” Khalil patted me on the shoulder.

  “You know about it, too? Everybody knows about it but me?” I poked Kevin in the side.

  “Hey, don’t bother the driver,” Nakia called out from the back seat. She and David were hugged up back there like they hadn’t seen each other in a week.

  The beach house was great. There was a two-story great room furnished with a large, leather sectional couch, a big screen television, DVD, and full stereo. The kitchen was huge, with a breakfast table large enough for eight. There was a large master bedroom tucked away in a back corner on the first floor with a king-sized bed and sunken Jacuzzi tub. The upstairs had four bedrooms and two bathrooms. The sliding glass door in the great room opened out onto a deck with steps that led down onto the sand of the Atlantic Ocean. The deck had some comfortable beach chaises, a large umbrella, a table and chairs, and a large grill.