When Women Were Warriors Book I

by Catherine M. Wilson

  Gnith took my hand again and looked into my eyes. “Make sure of what you want, and when you get it, don’t complain.”

  I was awake at first light, and by the time I had dressed myself, Maara was also awake. I felt her eyes on me as I pulled on my heavy boots and my warmest tunic.

  “I need to speak with you,” I said.

  She blinked sleepily at me. “All right.”

  “Now,” I said.

  “All right.” She sat up in her bed and looked at me.

  “Not here.”

  “Oh,” she said.

  I helped her dress. Then I took her cloak from where it lay covering the foot of her bed and put it over her shoulders.

  “Where are we going?” she asked me.

  “Outside.”

  “Oh,” she said.

  She followed me down the stairs and through the kitchen. We went out the back door and through the kitchen yard. I didn’t want to run into anyone, especially the Lady or Vintel, before I had a chance to talk with Maara.

  The air was cold, and voices carry in the cold. I wanted to get well away from the house, where no one would overhear us. There were few places where we could talk unheard and unobserved, so I took Maara down to the oak grove. The sun was low in the sky, and the long shadows of the trees stretched out over the snow.

  The oak grove was a good choice. The ancient trees reassured me. They made a strong circle around us. I turned to face my warrior.

  “There’s something I need to say to you,” I said. Even though we were alone, we were in a sacred place, and I kept my voice low.

  She met my eyes and waited. She looked as if she expected to hear bad news.

  “The Lady wants to apprentice me to Vintel.”

  I watched her, to see if she would show me how she felt about it. She looked away. “That would be a good thing for you,” she said.

  “Why?”

  She looked back at me, surprised. “I thought that was obvious.”

  “It seems to be obvious to everyone but me.”

  The night before, I did as Gnith had told me. I thought long about what I wanted and why I wanted it. Because of that, and perhaps because of where we were, my words had a power they’d never had before.

  “I’m going to tell you what I want,” I said. “Then you must tell me what it is that you want.”

  Her face closed a bit. She waited.

  “I want you to accept me as your apprentice.”

  She closed her eyes for a moment. I thought I saw a look of pain cross her face, but it vanished so quickly I couldn’t be sure.

  “The Lady would never give her consent.”

  “I’m telling you what I want,” I said. “Right now, the only thing that matters is what I want. And what you want.”

  Something new came into her eyes. I couldn’t name it. It was more than curiosity, more than surprise. A window had opened, and for a moment she was unguarded.

  “I want to be your apprentice,” I said. “I understand that someday you may want to leave this place for a place where you will feel more at home, and if you do, I will release you from your obligation to me. If you’re still unwilling to take on the obligations of apprenticeship, then I would rather remain your companion than be apprenticed to Vintel, or to anyone else.

  “Last night I asked myself why I feel this way. Many would see my choice as foolish. I realize that. But what I want to be has more to do with the things you’ve taught me that were not about swordplay or camp craft or any of the things that any other warrior could have taught me. I don’t have the words to tell you what those things are.”

  I cast about for a way to make her understand. “You’ve taught me how to build a warrior’s body. You’ve taught me how a warrior handles weapons and how a warrior walks in dangerous places. Any of the warriors here could teach me those things, but you have shown me a warrior’s heart, and every warrior’s heart is different. If I ever do become a warrior, I want to have a warrior’s heart like yours.”

  Time stopped. Silence fell over us. We looked at each other, and I knew that she had heard me.

  “I’ve told you what I want,” I said. “Now I want you to tell me what you want. Do you know? What is it that you want?”

  “What do I want?”

  “Yes.”

  “I want to go home,” she said. “I can’t. So I don’t suppose it matters where I go.”

  As much as her answer surprised me, I saw in it a way to speak to her.

  “What would home be like?” I asked her.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Then how would you know if you found it?”

  “Home would feel different. Home would feel like…”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you know what home feels like to me?”

  She shook her head.

  “Merin’s house is my home,” I said, “as much as my mother’s house is my home, but sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong here. Sometimes I feel as if no one here will ever see me as I am. They all see Tamnet’s daughter, who has a place within the circle. The threads of my life are tangled in the web of all the other lives here, and sometimes I want to tease them out and weave a pattern of my own, rather than fit myself into a pattern made by others.

  “But on midwinter’s night, I was glad to have a place within the circle. I felt comforted and safe. I knew the songs we sang and the stories we told and how we would greet the sun in the morning. Some things in Merin’s house are different from the way things were at home, but mostly this place feels familiar. There’s something comforting about things that are familiar.”

  Maara had been listening carefully to everything I said. “What does any of that have to do with me?”

  “If you take me as your apprentice,” I told her, “you will begin to tangle the threads of your life with the threads of my life and with the web of all these other lives. In time this place will become familiar to you, and the day will come when no one will remember that you were once a stranger here.”

  Suddenly Maara smiled. “When did you grow such a golden tongue? I think you could talk the birds down out of the trees this morning.”

  I smiled back. “Have I persuaded you?”

  The smile left her eyes. “What difference does it make? The Lady has other plans for you.”

  “It may make no difference at all,” I said, “but I intend to ask the Lady for what I want, and before I do, I need your consent.”

  Maara frowned. “Have you cast an enchantment over the Lady? She seems to do everything you ask of her. I don’t doubt that it’s because she sees the wisdom in what you ask, but sometimes I believe things happen for you just because you want them to.”

  She took a step closer to me and put her hands on my shoulders. She looked deep into my eyes, as the Lady had looked into my eyes when I first entered her house. This time I saw no visions. This time I saw only my warrior’s face, as familiar to me as the palms of my hands, and in her eyes I saw a promise.

  “You have my consent,” she said. “You would honor me if you would become my apprentice.”

  As we walked back up the hill, I thought about Maara’s words. I want to go home. Such a simple wish. I remembered how eager I had been to get away from home, but my home was still there waiting for me, would always be there waiting for me, while Maara might walk from one end of the world to the other and never find what she was seeking.

  I felt Maara’s eyes on me. “Are you having second thoughts?” she said.

  “No,” I said. “I was thinking about you.” I stopped and faced her. “You gave me what I wanted. I wish I could give you what you want.”

  “You gave me something I didn’t know I wanted,” she replied. “No one else has ever asked me what I wanted.”

  16. Vintel’s Apprentice

  Sparrow was eating her breakfast in the kitchen. I sat down beside her, leaned close to her ear, and said, “Do you want to be Vintel’s apprentice?”


  Sparrow scowled at me. “Didn’t your mother teach you how to say good morning?” She sounded out of sorts.

  “Good morning,” I said. “Do you want to be Vintel’s apprentice?”

  “Too late,” she said.

  “What?”

  “Vintel says that you will be her new apprentice.”

  “Vintel is wrong.”

  “She’s already spoken about it.”

  “To you?”

  “To everyone.”

  “I haven’t accepted her.”

  “Apparently she thinks you will.”

  “I won’t,” I said. “Especially not now.”

  I thought I understood what Vintel was doing, or perhaps it was the Lady’s idea. Once something had been spoken of publicly, it was a thing that was accomplished in everybody’s mind. In order to undo it, I would have to go against the ideas of everyone in the household. It would put me in a bad light, and it would also shame Vintel. If Vintel had taken it upon herself to speak without my consent, it was a shame she deserved to bear, but not if the Lady had assured her that I would do what she wanted me to do.

  “Answer my question,” I said to Sparrow.

  “About being Vintel’s apprentice?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why would she accept me?”

  “Let me worry about that,” I said. “Just tell me if it’s what you want.”

  “Of course,” said Sparrow. “It would be an honor.”

  “So they tell me.”

  “You’re a fool to turn her down.”

  “They tell me that too.”

  When I started to get up, Sparrow caught my wrist and held me there. She looked around to make sure we couldn’t be overheard.

  “You be careful how you cross Vintel,” she said.

  But now I was angry. “Vintel had best be careful how she crosses me.”

  “By the Mother, hush,” said Sparrow, “or I’ll find your little body lying in a snowbank.”

  “Why would you bind yourself to someone who would do that?”

  Sparrow thought for a minute before she spoke.

  “I know Vintel,” she said. “I’ve known her since I came to Merin’s house, and I knew of her from Eramet. She’s a skillful warrior and a powerful leader. She is strong-willed and must have her own way in things, and people don’t always like Vintel’s ways, but every girl here would put up with her failings for the sake of learning from her.”

  “Is she such a fine teacher?”

  “She made Eramet a fine warrior, and she’s loyal to her friends, and generous.” Sparrow regarded me intently. “I want you to understand what you’re turning down. If she’s pleased with you, Vintel will be your ally and your friend. She’s from a house as great as this one. She can always go back to her place there, taking with her anyone she chooses. She can offer you an important place, either here in Merin’s house or in her own. She can be difficult too, although that shouldn’t bother you. Your warrior is worse on her good days than Vintel is on her bad ones.”

  I started to tell Sparrow that my warrior wasn’t at all difficult, but she put her fingers on my lips to stop me.

  “I know,” she said. “You’re used to her now, but when I see her glower in a corner and refuse to speak with you, I wonder how you put up with her.”

  “She doesn’t mean it,” I said.

  Sparrow laughed. “Why in the world Vintel would want you when you’re soul-spliced with that stranger, I’ll never know.”

  Now she was teasing me. I didn’t know what she meant by the word ‘soul-spliced,’ but I felt the truth in it. While I should have given a great deal of thought to this decision, I had discovered that it was made already. It seemed as if everyone was making it as difficult as possible for me to do what I knew was right for me, but the more difficult they made it, the more determined I was to have my own way.

  I smiled to myself.

  “What?” said Sparrow.

  “I was just thinking that I seem to seek out the hardest thing to do.”

  Sparrow grinned at me. “I had noticed that,” she said.

  The Lady came into the kitchen. Fodla was with her. Then Namet came in with three other women of the council. Although Sparrow and I were at the far end of the kitchen, the Lady must have seen me out of the corner of her eye. She turned and beckoned to me.

  “You’re up early,” she said, when I stood before her. “That’s good. I’m about to meet with the council. Among other things, we will consider your apprenticeship.”

  “I need to speak with you, Lady,” I said.

  She was beginning to move away from me, her attention distracted by the arrival of two more of the elders.

  “There’s no time right now,” she said. “After the council meets, you can breakfast with me.”

  I knew what would happen at the council meeting. The more my apprenticeship to Vintel was spoken of, the more real it would become, until no one would remember that I had not given my consent.

  In a low voice I said, “Lady, you must speak with me now.”

  She had already taken several steps toward the women of the council. I dared to take hold of her arm.

  “You must hear me, before something happens that will shame Vintel.”

  The Lady’s eyes came back to me, and I let go of her.

  “I mean no disrespect,” I said, “but I can’t accept Vintel. I have not given my consent, although she evidently thinks I have, because she has spoken publicly about it.”

  The Lady drew me away from the people around us. “To whom has she spoken?”

  “Sparrow heard her, and so have others.”

  She took me gently by the arm and pulled me close against her side. Arm in arm we walked to the farthest corner of the kitchen, far away from any who might overhear us.

  The Lady sat down on a large covered basket. One of the servants ran to bring a stool for her, but the Lady waved her away.

  “Let me understand you,” she said. “You intend to refuse Vintel. Is that correct?”

  “Yes.”

  “We will speak about that, but not now. Perhaps you could tell me why Vintel believes you’ve given your consent.”

  “I have no idea.”

  “You haven’t spoken to her?”

  “No.”

  I believed then that the Lady hadn’t encouraged her to speak, but that Vintel, thinking no one would refuse her, didn’t hesitate to let others know of her decision to apprentice me. Then I remembered that the important thing was not that Vintel had spoken carelessly. The important thing was to make the Lady understand that I would not do what she wanted.

  “I’ve thought long about this,” I said. “We can speak about it all you like, but I will not change my mind. I will not accept Vintel, and I think she’s mistaken to ask for me. There is someone else she should be thinking of.”

  “Who is that?”

  “Sparrow served two years as Eramet’s apprentice. She is much more fit than I am to be apprenticed to Vintel.”

  “Sparrow would be a good choice for her except for one thing. She has no family. She brings nothing to Vintel.”

  “She brings herself,” I said. “She brings all she learned from Eramet. And I’ve been told that Vintel is from a strong family. Is she in need of another alliance?”

  “Probably not,” said the Lady, “but you are hardly in the same position. An alliance with Vintel would be of great benefit to your family.”

  “That’s not enough.”

  “I don’t understand. Why you would refuse her?”

  “Because Maara has asked me to be her apprentice, and I have accepted.”

  The Lady’s eyes grew cold. A chill settled around my heart, but I had dared to speak, and I would not unsay what I had said.

  “Whatever was she thinking?” said the Lady. “Did she believe that I would give you to a stranger?”

  “She’s a stranger to whom you owe much, but I don’t mean to misrepresent her. She doesn’t expect you to co
nsent.”

  The Lady gave me a shrewd look. “But you do. Why is that?”

  “One of the elders told me that because of the service I have done you, I might ask a gift.”

  “What service have you done?”

  “I was a guarantee of safety for you. For you and for your house.”

  I glimpsed a flash of anger in the Lady’s eyes. “Should I ask which of the elders gave you this advice?”

  When I didn’t answer her, she said, “No, I suppose not.”

  She took a deep breath and watched her hands play with a bit of loose embroidery on her gown. “And if I refuse you this gift?”

  “I will stay with my warrior as her companion.”

  The Lady raised her eyes to my face. This time I saw a real concern in them and a wish to understand. “Why would you throw away your future?”

  “Lady,” I said, “I can’t explain why I must stay with Maara, any more than I can explain why I wanted you to let the prisoners go.”

  She said nothing. I wondered if she had given in or if she was trying to think of another way to persuade me.

  “Why do I have the right to refuse Vintel?” I asked her.

  “What do you mean?”

  “There must be a reason. I have the right to refuse, so there must be a reason.”

  “You have the right to refuse to do anything that anyone asks of you, but that doesn’t mean that to refuse is always wise.”

  “But I have the right to be unwise, isn’t that true?”

  “Yes,” she said. “You’re a free woman. We are all free women here. Freedom is important, just as obedience is important. Each has its place.”

  “And in this I can exercise my freedom.”

  “Yes.”

  All the women of the council were seated around the council table. They had been talking quietly together, but they were silent now, and they were watching us.

  “The council is waiting,” I said.

  “Your warrior has accepted you?”

  “Yes.”

  “And if the time comes when she wants to leave this place?”

  “I have promised to release her.”

  “And she is the one to whom you choose to bind yourself?”

  “Yes.”

  The Lady sighed. “All right. Let’s see if we can bring this about without doing too much damage.”