Ben slowly finished up and pushed the start button, staying to listen to the water run. He leaned against the counter for a few seconds before scrubbing a hand over his face and following Ryan out onto the porch, unsure of what awaited him.
“Take a walk?”
Ben shrugged and followed Ryan off the porch. He had a good idea where they were going: to their bench. There was a small park in the center of the neighborhood that had been their home base when they were younger, and it remained one of Ben’s favorite places to go when he needed to get out of the house for a while.
It was where they went when they’d decided to run away from home when they were eight. They’d been friends for about a year at that point. Ben couldn’t remember exactly why they’d decided to run away, but he remembered their parents finding them there in the rain, both of them huddled on a bench under some overhanging trees. That had been their bench ever since. It was where Ben had told Ryan his biggest secret.
They walked in comfortable silence for the few minutes it took them to get to the park. It was unusually empty for a Saturday, only a few kids playing in the small playground area. They made straight for their bench, each taking an end and leaning back in the shade.
Ryan broke the silence first. “You know there’s nothing to worry about, right?”
“I know.”
“It’s just a couple of friends. Hanging out. Doing dumb bowling.”
“Dumb bowling?”
“Very dumb.” Ryan leaned over and punched him lightly on the shoulder. “Knowing you, you’ll get overly competitive and forget to be a nervous dork.”
Ben blew out a breath. “You’re paying—you know that, right?”
IN THE END, it was just easier to let Ryan pick out something for him to wear.
“I’m doing you a favor, man.” Ryan was digging through Ben’s T-shirts and making a general mess. “Do you only own hockey stuff?” He held up a faded tee that stated “Property of Westdale Knights Hockey Team.”
Ben shrugged. He was sitting cross-legged on the bed and trying not to think about who would be there besides Rachel to judge his clothes. “Maybe?”
Ryan made a sound of triumph. “Here you go!” He flung something dark blue at Ben’s head. Ben caught it in midair and looked it over—it was a shirt Gran had given him for his birthday that he’d never worn. Not a bad choice, actually, but Ryan wasn’t done. “Wear the good jeans.” Ben looked down at the jeans he was wearing and raised an eyebrow. “Not those. The other ones.” Ryan dug them out and flung them at him as well. “There.”
“Why does it matter what I wear? You’re the one that’s trying to impress someone.”
Ryan gave him a pointed look and sat down next to him, blocking his access to the exit. “I’m not saying that you have to do anything, all right? It’s just, I don’t know… Practice?”
“Practice.”
Ryan rubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah, maybe? Try dressing up a little. It’s not a date, I swear. Not even for me. It’s the four of us hanging out, like I said.”
Ben thought for a moment, but one last look at Ryan’s hopeful face settled it. He sighed. “Why not?” He stood up and started to pull his T-shirt off. “Are you going to sit there and watch, or are you going to go home and get ready too?”
Ryan whooped and jumped up, ruffling Ben’s hair on the way out the door. “Be back in twenty!” he called back as he pulled the door closed behind him. Ben looked at the clothes on the bed. He could do this. It was just bowling. And then maybe somewhere for food or something. Easy.
He got dressed slowly and then finally looked in the mirror. He’d never say it out loud, but he had to admit Ryan really did have an eye for color. The dark blue shirt made his eyes stand out, and it looked good. He looked good.
Ben started to leave his room but hesitated and then walked over and took the dog tag from its hiding place in his nightstand drawer. He ran his fingers over the scarred surface that told such a story of courage. Tapping it for a few seconds, he decided Will probably wouldn’t mind if he borrowed a little bit of that courage. He slid the chain over his head and tucked the tag securely inside his shirt. It made him feel better somehow, more secure. Grounded. He was ready.
Ben walked downstairs and was putting on his Chucks when his mom caught sight of him. “You look nice!”
“So I look horrible the rest of the time?” He laughed. “Is that what you’re saying?”
She reached up and smoothed down a lock of hair that was sticking up. “Of course not. It’s just not your usual, you know?”
She had a point. He lived in hockey T-shirts and workout clothes, mixed in with comfortable, faded jeans. He was making an effort, at Ryan’s urging, and it felt…good.
He gave her a grin that she gave right back. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He saw headlights sweep over the front lawn and brushed a kiss to her cheek. “There’s Ryan. We shouldn’t be out late.”
“It’s fine. Just text if you are, okay?”
Ben waggled his phone at her before shoving it in his pocket. He eyed his Flyers hat out of habit, but left it hanging on its peg and grabbed a hoodie instead in case it was chilly later. A wolf whistle split the night air as he slipped quickly out the door. Ben rolled his eyes.
“Looking good!” Ryan said, laughing and leering, and Ben flipped him off, jogging over to get in the car before Ryan could embarrass him even more.
Ben fastened his seat belt, looked resolutely forward, and took a deep breath. “Are we meeting them there?” He was secretly pleased his voice sounded normal.
“Yep. Rachel just sent me a text saying they were running a few minutes late. We’re supposed to go ahead and get a lane.”
Ben breathed a small sigh of relief. It wouldn’t be quite so awkward if they were ready to go when the others got there. At least he hoped not. “Sounds good.”
Ryan side-eyed him. “You’re really okay with this. I’m proud of you, dude.”
Ben slumped down into his seat, torn between feeling irritated at himself for making Ryan feel like he needed to coddle him, and annoyed at Ryan for actually coddling him. “’S’not a thing.”
Ryan nodded. “Of course it’s not.”
IT WAS TOTALLY a thing.
“Oh my god, would you sit down?” Ryan snapped, and Ben caught the balled up napkin that was tossed in his direction. “They’ll be here in a few minutes.”
Ben ignored him and went back over to the bowling balls after stripping out of his hoodie. His palms were starting to sweat as he poked through the different weights again. He hadn’t been bowling in years. Did he need a heavier ball? Oh god, oh god, oh god…
“Hey!”
Without thinking, he snapped around when he heard Rachel’s greeting. She and Marcus were headed their way, bowling shoes in their hands. Ben realized he was staring when Marcus caught his eye and smiled, waving. Ben managed to raise his hand in an awkward wave and turned back to the colorful balls. Not a big deal, not a big deal.
He took a breath and grabbed a ball at random and carried it back to their lane. Rachel gave Ryan a hug before she smiled over in his direction. She seemed genuinely happy to see him. He’d wondered, vaguely, if he was encroaching on anything, but then she had brought Marcus with her. He was probably in the clear. He was also probably overthinking things, as usual.
Rachel and Marcus leaned down to change their shoes, and Ryan gave him a look over their heads, checking in.
Smiling as he walked past him, Ben put the ball down. “Hey, guys.”
Rachel finished tying her shoe and bounced to her feet, looking Ben up and down appraisingly. She shrugged and held her arms out, tilting her head in question. “Hey, yourself.”
He laughed and gave her a quick hug. When he nodded to Marcus, Ben found himself wishing he would ask for a hug as well, and then ran a hand through his hair, trying not to blush.
Rachel rubbed her hands together. “All right, everyone is getting a nickname. Let’s do this.”
They watched the larger screen over their heads as she started typing. Ben rolled his eyes when CAP was put up, but tilted his head in confusion when the names JAMES, DIANA, and STEVE T appeared as well.
He sat in the seat next to her. “Okay, I get Diana and Steve Trevor—we just watched that movie. But James?”
“James Buchanan Barnes? Bucky? Captain America’s BFF and, if fandom gets their way, life partner?” She rolled her eyes. “That’s Marcus’s fave character, anyway.”
“Oh. Right.” She wasn’t quite making fun of him, he didn’t think. Was she? He’d just roll with it. “And Cap? Really?”
She looked him up and down again. “You’ve got this whole”—she waved a hand around—“blond-haired, blue-eyed, all-American thing going on.” She gave him a grin. “It works on many levels.”
Ben felt a presence behind him and looked up at Marcus standing over them, giving Rachel a pointed look. “Don’t mind her. She thinks she’s funny.”
Rachel shrugged. “You know I’m hilarious. Besides, I ship it.” Ben looked between them and had the distinct feeling he was missing something, but he wasn’t about to ask. Rachel stood up and clapped her hands together. “Let’s get this game started. Cap, you’re up.”
Chapter Six
BEN FOUND HIMSELF relaxing and having fun. Marcus was absurdly bad at bowling, while Rachel was giving them all a run for their money. She was just as competitive as Ben, so Ryan and Marcus were now heckling them both. Loudly. Ben couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so hard. They finally finished up their first game, and decided to take a break for some bad bowling alley food. Ryan and Rachel volunteered to go and place the order, but Ben was fairly sure they just wanted a chance to talk. The flash of jealousy that he’d had was completely gone, mostly because he was beginning to think they were perfect for each other.
He sat down in one of the plastic seats to wait and was a little surprised when Marcus took the one right next to him. He’d mostly gotten over his initial reaction to having Marcus in close proximity. That didn’t mean he hadn’t gotten his fill of looking at the way his back and shoulders looked while bowling. Or how Marcus’s hair had faded to magenta, and how it somehow suited him. It was okay to look, he reminded himself, just not to stare like an idiot. Especially at how his skinny jeans seemed to cling to his—
Ben flushed and looked away, trying to drive the stray thoughts from his head before facing him again. Marcus glanced at him and looked like he was about to say something but then stopped. Ben turned toward him, and Marcus gave him a shy smile.
“Can I ask you something?” Marcus asked, a little hesitant.
“Sure.” Ben’s heart started pounding. Marcus looked so intent, his brown eyes warm but serious.
“Um,” Marcus looked down, scuffing the toe of his bowling shoe on the floor. “Are you and Ryan a thing?” Ben must have made some kind of face, because Marcus hurried on. “I mean, I didn’t think Ryan was bi, but I also didn’t want to assume anything, and Rach is—”
“We’re not!” Ben’s voice sounded loud to his own ears, and he took a deep breath. “Ryan’s just a friend. My best friend. And straight.” Ben blurted the next words out before he could second-guess himself. “I’m—I’m actually gay.” A small, hysterical sounding giggle escaped, and Ben automatically clapped his hand over his mouth. Marcus was staring at him with wide eyes, and Ben didn’t know whether to laugh or burst into tears.
Marcus rested a gentle hand on Ben’s shoulder. “You want to go outside and talk for a minute?” Ben nodded, not trusting his voice. “Ryan knows, right?” Ben nodded again. “Okay, hang on just a second. Change your shoes so they don’t try to tackle us at the front door.”
Ben nodded numbly and started to slide off his shoes as Marcus walked over to Ryan and leaned in to speak quietly to him. Ben wouldn’t have been able to hear them over the roaring in his head anyway.
Ryan’s head whipped around to look at Ben, eyes searching his face for trouble. Ben tried to summon a smile to reassure him, but it was halfhearted at best. Ryan mouthed Okay? and Ben shrugged. Frowning, Ryan said something else to Marcus, and Marcus nodded, clapping him on the shoulder before heading back Ben’s way. Ryan shot Ben a worried look but gave him a thumbs-up that made Ben smile and shake his head as he laced his shoes up.
Marcus sat down and kicked off his bowling shoes. Ben wordlessly slid Marcus’s dark red Doc Martens over with his foot, and Marcus put them on quickly, not bothering to tie the laces. He stood up and jerked his head toward the entrance of the bowling alley, giving Ben an encouraging smile. “Come on.”
Ben followed him numbly, the enormity of what he’d done starting to dawn on him. He’d never actually said the words before. Not out loud. And now he’d just come out in a bowling alley to his years-long crush. Why had he done that?
Marcus glanced over and put a hand on his back, guiding him around a corner of the building to a spot where they’d have some privacy. Ben almost fell against the brick wall, his knees suddenly weak. Marcus kept a warm hand on his shoulder, rubbing small circles with his thumb that were both comforting and distracting. Ben took another deep breath and felt a little better.
“You okay?” Marcus’s voice was low and soothing.
“Yeah.” Ben leaned his head back against the brick. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“I won’t tell anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Marcus sounded a little hurt, as if Ben thought he was going to announce it over a loudspeaker.
“No!” Ben wrapped a hand around Marcus’s wrist, not thinking. “I know you wouldn’t do that.” He looked down at where their hands were joined and let go, his own falling to his side. “I just—didn’t mean to blurt it out like that.”
Marcus took his hand away and leaned against the wall next to him, close enough that their shoulders pressed together. “That the first time you’ve said it out loud?”
Ben huffed out a weak laugh. “How could you tell?”
“Your face. I thought you were going to pass out or something.” Marcus ducked his head a bit, looking up at Ben through the fringe of his brightly colored hair. “It’s okay to be a little freaked out, you know.”
“Thanks.” Ben was able to summon up a wan smile. “Look, you don’t have to stay out here with me or anything. I’ll be okay.”
Marcus shook his head. “Nah. I’m good.” He bumped Ben’s shoulder with his own. “I like hanging out with you.” He kicked a piece of gravel with the toe of his boot, laces flapping. Ben glanced over at him, cheeks burning, only to see a similar flush on Marcus’s face.
“Anyway.” Marcus cleared his throat. “Thanks for trusting me with—” He bumped Ben’s shoulder again. “—you know. Everything.”
Ben nodded and then laughed softly. “Honestly, it feels weird. Ryan’s the only person I ever talk to about anything.”
“Give me your phone.” Ben looked at Marcus, who was holding his hand out expectantly. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it over. Marcus pulled up his contacts and tapped for a few seconds. “There. Now you have one more person.”
Ben took the phone back from him, ignoring the way their fingers brushed slightly. He quickly sent a text, grinning at his own bravery when he heard Marcus’s phone ping. “And there’s mine. You know, just in case.” They smiled at each other for a moment, until Ben’s text alert pinged.
Ryan: everything okay?
Ryan probably thought that he was having a heart attack or something. Ben felt surprisingly okay at the moment with Marcus there beside him. “I think they’re looking for us.”
Marcus eyed him carefully, and Ben wondered what he was thinking. Marcus started to say something else before shaking his head and giving Ben another smile that helped any remaining panic recede. “Ready to go back in?”
Ben nodded and pushed off the wall, leading the way and tapping out a quick reply.
Ben: All fine. Coming back now.
Ben bumped Marcus
’s shoulder with his own. “Um, thanks again.”
Marcus’s reply was quietly spoken but sincere. “Anytime.”
RYAN AND RACHEL were sitting at their lane, heads together over a basket of fries. Marcus leaned over to whisper right in Ben’s ear. “You see it too, right?” Ben barked out a startled laugh, drawing the attention of both of their friends.
Ryan was wearing his worried face by the time they got there, and Ben offered his knuckles for a fist bump to put him at ease. He smiled at Rachel, who was watching with wide eyes, and deftly reached around Ryan to steal a fry. “Are we playing or what?” Ben sat to change his shoes and smiled to himself when Marcus took the seat next to him to do the same.
Ryan glanced between the two of them and gave Ben another look that promised: We are so talking about this later. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just can’t wait for you and Rachel to kick our butts again.”
Ben shrugged and stole another fry before grabbing his bowling ball. “Well, do better then.” Then he threw a strike that had Ryan groaning behind him.
The rest of the game went the same way. Ben and Rachel cleaned up, neck and neck in points, leaving Marcus and Ryan far behind. Especially Marcus. At one point, Ben asked him quite seriously if they needed to put the bumpers up. It was amazingly easy between them. There was a flirtatious edge to their bickering, and he could tell Rachel and Ryan were picking up on it. It felt good, and that was a pleasant surprise. It was one thing to say he was gay out loud to someone else, but acting on the chance that Marcus might somehow be interested was another. Add that to the fact that, just because Marcus liked guys, there was no guarantee he actually liked Ben that way. But it would be nice to have a friend who understood.
Ben threw his last ball. It came up short; Rachel had beaten him by a few points. He gave Rachel a fake glare, and she grinned at him and ruffled his hair. Ben liked her. Quite a bit, in fact, and even better, he liked her for Ryan. He almost felt like he needed to have a talk with Ryan about being careful with her. And given the way Marcus was eyeing Ryan, he was probably thinking the same thing about Rachel.
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