“Oh, wow. That’s—that’s a lot.” Marcus’s voice was a little strangled, and Ben looked at him, wondering if he’d said something wrong or rambled too much. But then, the problem of parental embarrassment was neatly solved when Marcus said, “Shit. I forgot something. I’m going to— Um. See you later?”
“Sure. See you later.”
The last was said to Marcus’s retreating back. Ben gave in to the urge to look and jumped when his phone dinged again, as if he’d been doing something wrong. He didn’t have a hand free to check it, but he knew who it was. He hurried to the front, a small smile on his face.
IT WAS WEIRD. It was like when his mom and dad had bought a new car and then he saw that kind of car everywhere. Except this was a person. After the grocery store incident, Marcus was everywhere. Ben was on the way to the gym, and he noticed Marcus at the coffee shop down the street as they drove by. Ben had slid down in his seat, enough that his dad noticed and gave him an odd look, and Ben pretended his phone had fallen down beside the seat. He was being an idiot for no reason. It wasn’t like Marcus was looking out for him.
But Ben saw him.
At the coffee shop again, hanging out with Rachel, laughing over something. At a stoplight, in a car with someone who was probably his mom. Ben noticed the rainbow PFLAG sticker on the back as Marcus’s car pulled ahead, and he wondered if his own parents would do that if they knew.
He saw Marcus in places he’d never noticed him in before, but didn’t actually make contact with him. Until Ryan kidnapped him one day and dragged him out of the house for milkshakes at the diner. Ben was supposed to grab a table while Ryan went to order. It was faster that way.
Ben spotted a table near the back and claimed it without looking around at who else was there. That was his first mistake. The second was thinking that if he sat there quietly, Marcus wouldn’t notice him. Despite his best efforts, Ben failed at turning himself invisible, and Marcus spotted him anyway.
He was sitting with Rachel and a few other people who Ben vaguely recognized from school. Marcus smiled when he saw Ben and said something to Rachel before walking over. He slid into the seat next to Ben like he belonged there. It happened so fast Ben didn’t have time to reach his usual level of awkwardness.
“It’s you again.” Marcus didn’t seem uncertain at all this time, his smile wide and bright.
“Yep, it’s me.” Ben couldn’t help but return the grin. “What are you doing here?”
Marcus nodded toward the table full of people who were talking amongst themselves, Rachel the only one looking over their way. “GSA lunch. Just some preplanning for the school year.”
“Oh. You’re president, right?” Ben knew that for a fact but didn’t know what else to say.
“Yeah.” Marcus fiddled with the little tray of sugar packets. “They have to elect a new one since I’m graduating.” Ben nodded, not sure how to respond. Luckily, Marcus kept talking. “Do they do that for the team? Elect a new captain?”
Ben shrugged. “Kind of. The players pick someone, and then Coach makes the final decision. Usually, it’s the same person, so it works out.”
“So, the guys picked you last year?” Marcus looked weirdly proud when Ben nodded. “That’s awesome.”
“I guess.” Ben laughed quietly when Marcus raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay, fine. It was awesome, and it’s a lot of responsibility.”
“Yeah, but they trust you to handle it, right?” Marcus rested his hand on Ben’s arm, and Ben tried not to react to the gentle touch. It was at that moment that Ryan showed up with the milkshakes, his face a mix of amused confusion. Marcus snatched his hand back, and Ben slid his own farther away on the table.
“Here’s your shake, loser.” Ryan didn’t miss a beat, setting it in front of him. “Always vanilla. So vanilla.”
“Shut up.” Ben noticed Marcus’s glance at Ryan and couldn’t tell what it meant. Marcus covered it with a grin, but the look was there.
“I’d better get back.” Marcus waved a hand at Rachel’s table as he stood. “It was good. Seeing you, I mean.”
Ben blinked up at him. “You too.”
Marcus turned and headed back to his table, where he sat and was immediately drawn into whatever conversation was going on. Rachel glanced over at Ben once, and he looked away quickly, facing Ryan’s smirk instead.
“So,” Ryan said, “what was that?”
Ben took a long drink of his shake. “You know what? I have no idea.”
THE NEXT FEW weeks went by in a blur and didn’t give him much time to ponder Marcus or anything much at all. Any plans Ben had to ask Gran about the letters were put on hold because she’d had to take an unexpected trip to Florida, something to do with the house she was purchasing. He hadn’t really been paying attention to that part—mostly he wanted to know more about “E” and what had happened to William.
Then school started, and it was a distraction in itself. Just like he’d seen Marcus everywhere after the grocery store incident, those instances were doubled or tripled once they started school. They didn’t have any classes together, but Ben would see him in the hallways, putting up posters for GSA club meetings, or walking by, his head close to Rachel’s in conversation.
Ryan had gotten Rachel’s number at the pool party and had been talking to her a lot. It was getting to be a little ridiculous, and Ben wondered if that was how Ryan had felt about him, the whole time.
“Why don’t you just ask her out?” Ben finally asked when they were taking their desks in Econ. He’d watched Ryan text under his desk, grinning at the screen the entire time. They evidently had a lot to say to each other.
“Why don’t you talk to—” Ryan broke off what he was about to say and just made a face. “I mean, you could.”
Ben sighed and looked at his hands. “It’s not the same and you know it.”
“What if it was?”
Ryan had hinted that he knew something, and Ben itched to ask him exactly what, but he held back. He wasn’t sure if knowing would make things better or worse. And it wasn’t like Marcus hadn’t dated anyone before. That had been more painful than he’d expected, to actually see him with someone else.
“Whatever.” Ben wasn’t trying to be petulant, but he was failing miserably. They only had a few seconds before the teacher started class, and he couldn’t help saying, “If it was, he would have said something.”
Ryan turned to stare at him, but it was too late, class was starting. Ben was glad he had a clinic that afternoon so he could put Ryan’s meddling off for at least a few hours.
WHILE EVERYONE ELSE grumbled about them, Ben actually looked forward to clinics. Most schools in their division didn’t do anything like them, but it was good for team building and figuring out what they needed to work on before tryouts and official practices started in late October. It gave them a leg up and it had earned them championships. So the school didn’t blink an eye at putting it in the budget.
And the first clinic was definitely kicking his ass like it did every year. No matter how much he tried to prepare, it was never enough. His left shoulder felt like it was one big bruise, and he’d have to break out the ice packs as soon as he got home. He just had to skate through it and do his job.
He winced as the whistle blew. Coach Jordan waved them all over, and they took a knee, ready for the end-of-clinic talk. Ben took his place beside coach, the C on his practice jersey making him stand out from the others. They had a good team this year. Most of the guys had stuck it out from junior year, and some of the new guys showed a lot of promise.
Coach stared out at them, hands on his hips, before speaking. “I won’t say it was a good practice—because it wasn’t. You’ve got until next week to shake that crap out.” The rookies looked around nervously, but Ben just fought the urge to roll his eyes. It was the same speech every year, obviously designed to scare the newbies. “Lines for next week will be announced on Friday. Don’t be late. Get out of here.”
Ben stood and go
t his skates under him, tapping his stick on the ice. “Come on, guys. Showers and then go home. Rest up.” The others started shuffling off the ice. “And remember to eat!” There were a few laughs at that from the older players. It never failed. They always had someone pass out because they didn’t eat enough or drink enough water. He’d done it himself the first year.
Ben watched them all head toward the locker room. Someone skated up behind him, and he knew it had to be Coach Jordan even before he spoke. “You’re doing a good job, kiddo.” Coach stood next to him on the ice, arms folded across his chest. “They listen to you.”
Ben shuffled his feet. He didn’t think he’d done all that great. The guys were working hard, and that made the difference. It had nothing to do with him, but it was nice of Coach to say. “Sure, Coach.”
Coach gave him a friendly nudge with his elbow. He wouldn’t push it. He knew Ben too well. “Go on. Take your own advice.”
“See you next week.”
Ben headed toward the locker room to see what kind of chaos was ensuing, automatically tapping the sign reading “Home of the Westdale Knights!” by the door with his stick. That many teenage boys together was always a disaster waiting to happen, no matter how exhausted they were. It was very loud when he walked in, as per usual. Shaking his head, he made his way over to his stall to start taking off his gear.
He rolled his shoulder. The ache was definitely getting worse. It was only a bruise, but experience had proved it could have the potential to hold him back if he didn’t take care of it. Heat and ice. He slumped on the bench for a few seconds and let the multiple conversations wash over him, grimacing as he picked up on what Smithy and Holtsy were talking about. Smithy made a gesture that Ben was fairly certain wasn’t physically possible, and he decided it was time to get a move on.
Ben stripped out of his sweaty undershirt and shorts without a second thought and wrapped a towel around his waist. Casual nudity in a locker room was a given, but with all of the other guys’ preoccupation with sex and talking about sex and thinking about sex, he wondered what they’d think if they knew. Would they understand that he didn’t think of any of them like that—didn’t really pay attention to anything other than what might affect their game? He noticed if someone was limping or if they were moving slowly, but he never saw them as objects of lust. Other than the fleeting thought of “Wow, so-and-so’s really been hitting the weights,” it wasn’t on his radar. Just like coming out to the team wasn’t something he’d considered in detail. Only that it was something he couldn’t see himself doing. He hadn’t even told his parents.
He tried not to dwell on it too much as he grabbed his shower bag and headed to the showers, receiving a few fist bumps on the way. The hot water helped clear his head as he rinsed away the sweat and grime from practice.
Ben turned off the shower and started to dry off. He wasn’t sure why the thought of telling his parents made his stomach twist. He was reasonably sure they’d be okay with one of their kids being gay. Hell, one time, his mom had dressed down another parent for using a homophobic slur during a game. But thinking about it and the reality of actually doing it were two different things. Once it was out there, he couldn’t take it back.
Not that he would. It was part of who he was— But all of that was too much to think about now, in the locker room, and he was just too tired. He pulled on his comfortable shorts and T-shirt and packed up his gear bag, hoping his mom was already in the parking lot.
BEN HEADED UPSTAIRS to drop his gear in his room and pull out all of the grungy stuff that needed to be washed. He was just wondering why Biscuit hadn’t tripped him coming up the stairs, when he shouldered his bedroom door open to find Ryan lying across his bed, playing a game on his phone. Biscuit was curled up next to him, content and seemingly asleep. He roused himself to open one eye to peek at Ben for a second and then went back to his lazy doze.
“Did I know you were coming over and forget?” Ben dropped his bag by the closet door and flopped down on the bed beside Ryan with a groan.
“Nope.”
“Then how’d you get in?” He knew the answer before he finished asking the question. His mom and dad had both come to get him, which left Beth at home. He had a sneaking suspicion that Beth had a tiny crush on Ryan, which he supposed was only natural. Ryan was good-looking, if you went for tall, dark, and snarky.
“Bethy,” Ryan said, confirming his suspicions. Ryan dropped his phone on his chest and looked over at Ben. “She said you guys would be back soon.”
“Yeah.” Ben yawned. “Mom and Dad ran to the store to get something for dinner. What’s up?”
Instead of answering, Ryan held his hand up and something shiny was hanging from his fingers. “Where’d you get this?”
Ben reached over slowly and took the dog tag from him, fighting the urge to snatch it away. They’d always had free reign over each other’s space, never hiding anything away. But the letters and the box, now securely tucked away in a bottom drawer, felt different somehow. He wasn’t ready to share them with anyone, at least until he had a chance to talk to Gran about them. “Gran gave it to me. It was her uncle’s or something.” It felt a little bit like lying, but it wasn’t like he wouldn’t tell Ryan the whole story later, when he knew everything.
“Oh. Cool.” Ryan dropped the subject without blinking. He sat up and looked down at Ben, a huge grin spreading across his face. It made Ben a little nervous. “I came over because one—” He held up one finger. “—I miss your face.” Ben tried to bat Ryan’s hand away when he moved to pinch his cheek. “And two—” Ryan held up another finger, which Ben met with a single middle finger. “—to tell you what you’re doing this weekend.”
“Sleeping and watching TV?”
“Nope.” Ryan bounced to his feet and rounded the bed to offer a hand to Ben, who sighed deeply and allowed himself to be pulled up to a sitting position. “We are going…bowling!” He made jazz hands, and Ben snorted before catching himself. Ryan was definitely up to something.
He stared at Ryan, deeply suspicious. “What’s the catch?”
Ryan looked absurdly proud of himself. “Well, I finally asked Rachel if she wanted to hang out. You know, outside of school.” He gave Ben a considering look. “I actually talked to her—with words. Unlike someone else I know.”
Ben groaned and fell back down on the bed. He knew where this was going. Biscuit, by this time, had abandoned his nap, and was meowing to be released from the madness. Ryan opened the door for him and then started poking Ben in the ribs where he was the most ticklish.
“Stop it, you shit!” Ben smacked at his hands until Ryan relented. “What else?”
“Look, you were able to talk to him at the pool party like a real boy and—”
“Ryan—”
“—you seem to really get along, like at the diner, and—”
“Ryan—”
“—Rachel is really cute, and I—”
“Ryan!”
“—kind of like her. Come on, please?”
Ben pulled a pillow over his face. “I hate you.”
“You love me.”
“No, I don’t.”
Ryan nudged him over and lay back down beside him. “It’ll be fun.” He took Ben’s pillow away. “If you have a horrible time, you can smother me with this, okay?”
Ben rolled his eyes. “Fine. All right?”
“Really?”
“Really.” Ben couldn’t help feeling a little pleased at being included.
“Yes!” Ryan did a fist pump.
Ben looked over at Ryan’s happy face. “So, you really like her?”
Ryan shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, I think so. We’ve been texting and stuff. It’s hard to get a read on her like that. I don’t know.”
Ben interpreted what Ryan was really saying. In Ryan-speak, it meant he really liked her a lot and was being a dork about it. At least he wasn’t a cowardly dork. “So, bowling with Rachel and Marcus. Just the four of us?”
> Ryan nodded. “If you don’t want to go—”
“No, it sounds like fun.” Ben elbowed him when he looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Really.”
“Good. Because I don’t know what I would have done if you’d said no.” Ryan patted Ben’s shoulder and got up. “Aren’t you hungry?” Ryan knew his routine as well as he did.
Ben’s stomach gave a perfectly timed growl. He sighed with resignation and made himself get up. He’d regret it if he didn’t eat something. “Bowling, huh?” He nudged Ryan as they left his room, walking side by side down the stairs.
Ryan shrugged. “I panicked. So sue me.”
BEN HAD NEVER been so thankful to have the distraction of his Saturday ice time and the gym. Ever since Ryan had told him about bowling, he’d been tied up in knots. It looked an awful lot like a double date, and it made him wonder if that was what Marcus thought. And that made hot panic run through him because Marcus didn’t know, at least not for sure. He was fairly certain he hadn’t been completely obvious.
It helped that stepping out onto the ice had always been the place where he felt the most at home. He knew exactly what to do when he was out there, and he was going to do it the best way he knew how. So he gritted his teeth, got down to it, and ran his drills, pushing away the nervousness and the tiny bit of fear that sat in the pit of his stomach. It helped that a few of the guys had shown up to do the same thing.
It worked right up until he got back home and showered. He was drying his hair when he realized it was just a few hours before they were supposed to go out. The gym had done nothing to burn off his nervous energy, and now he was stuck, flip-flopping between hope that the night would turn out well for Ryan and his pursuit of the fair Rachel, and wanting to hide in his room and leave Ryan to his own devices.
Ryan’s Ben-is-freaking-out sense must have been working overtime, because he appeared just after lunch. He took one look at Ben, who was loading the dishwasher, and jerked his head toward the front door. “Come on out when you’re done.”
Skating Through Page 6