Skating Through

by Jennifer Cosgrove

  “I’m going to tell the team.” Ben had to speak up. “I’m going to talk to Coach, and then I want to tell the team.”

  Marcus’s hand stilled. “Don’t—Ben, don’t do that for me.”

  “I’m not.” Ben knew it was true as soon as he said it out loud. “I’m doing it for me.”

  Marcus pulled away, turning so he was looking Ben in the eye. “A week ago, you were sure it was the wrong thing to do. And now you want to tell the team?” He sounded more than a little exasperated. “Ben, you love hockey. I’ve seen you play. It’s what you do.”

  Ben shrugged. “Telling Gran and my parents was the best choice I’ve made in a long time. I shouldn’t have to hide to play.” Marcus started to argue, Ben could see it in his face, but he stopped him with a look. “I’m not stupid. And I’m not saying I’m not scared.” He sighed. “I’m fucking terrified.” He reached up and brushed that bit of hair away from Marcus’s eye again. “But I want to do it. It has to start somewhere, right?”

  Marcus stared at him wide-eyed. “You’re serious right now. Are you sure?”

  Ben felt like he’d run a gauntlet of emotions. All he needed to do at that moment was kiss the boy he’d wanted since he was fourteen years old, terrified that he wanted him that way. He let his fingertips brush the edge of Marcus’s jaw. Their eyes met, and he leaned forward, sliding his hand to the back of Marcus’s neck, giving him plenty of time to pull away.

  They met in the middle.

  It was a mirror of their first kiss, almost in the exact same spot. Ben turned, trying to get closer, sliding his fingers into Marcus’s hair. It was buzzed close underneath, and he loved the feel of it on his fingertips.

  He tilted his head and a wave of want crashed over him. Ben had been awkwardly leaning in to the kiss, but suddenly he was being pulled into Marcus’s lap, his knees on either side of his hips. It was just on the edge of too much.

  “Is this okay?” Marcus gasped. Ben nodded as Marcus’s hand slide under the hem of his T-shirt, hot on the skin of his back. It was like his fingertips were leaving trails of heat in their wake.

  His shirt was being rucked up, and he’d almost raised his arms so Marcus could take it off, do whatever he wanted to do, when his thoughts finally caught up to what their lips and hands were doing. Ben pulled back, cheeks hot and flushed.

  “Wait,” Ben said, and Marcus stopped, his hands pressing lightly on Ben’s shoulder blades. He didn’t pull away but only sat there, waiting like Ben had asked. Ben leaned back a little, moving away so they weren’t pressed together below the waist anymore, and took a deep breath. “Just a little too fast.”

  Marcus didn’t take his hands out from under Ben’s shirt, only moved them down so he could rest them on either side of his waist. “Whatever you want to do, I want to do. Talk to me.”

  That was exactly what Ben needed to hear. He wasn’t going to let himself overthink or get embarrassed for once. He didn’t know what Marcus had done with other people, but it seemed like he knew way more than Ben. Well, Ben knew what he wanted, and apparently all he had to do was ask.

  “Can we just kiss for a while?”

  Marcus smiled and kissed him on his chin, his cheek, and then his nose, which made Ben laugh.

  “That’s fine with me.”

  THEY FINALLY GOT up off the floor after a while and tucked themselves together on the bed. Ben could have stayed right where he was forever, with Marcus’s head on his shoulder and their legs tangled together. Just being close to Marcus was the best thing he’d felt in a long time.

  “Have you ever?” Marcus’s voice was muffled a little by how much his face was pressed against Ben’s shirt, but his words were clear. “I mean, you know?”

  Ben shook his head, enjoying the softness of Marcus’s hair against his cheek. “No. You?”

  “Once.” Ben felt the huff of breath through his shirt. He tried not to tense up but failed. It was weird to think that Marcus had had something with someone else. Was it someone from school? Someone he knew?

  Marcus rose up on his elbow, looking down at Ben. “Hey, you okay?”

  Ben looked up at him and tried to smile, a little embarrassed for breaking the quiet moment they’d been in. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Marcus lay his head back down, running his fingers up and down Ben’s arm. “It was last summer while my family was on vacation.”

  Ben thought back to that summer. He’d gone to a special training camp and worked his ass off. Boys and sex hadn’t been anything he’d given much thought to at the time.

  Marcus had gone silent. Ben had to ask. “And?”

  Marcus shrugged one shoulder. “It was okay, I guess. I mean, I met the guy at an ice cream stand at the beach, and we kind of hit it off.”

  Ben felt a hot wave of jealousy run through him. Who had this guy been? Where was he from? Would Marcus see him again? Did they still talk? He swallowed hard, waiting for what Marcus was going to say next.

  “It was a summer thing. I don’t even talk to him anymore.” Ben hadn’t realized that he’d tensed up until his muscles relaxed in relief. Marcus noticed and wrapped his arm around Ben’s waist. “Okay?”

  “Yeah.” Ben squirmed when he was poked in the ribs and snorted laughter when Marcus tickled him. As they settled back down, he felt a little better about what Marcus had said. There was a comfortable silence for a few moments before he asked the next question. “Any girls?”

  “Not like that. I mean, I like girls, but recently I’ve been more into guys.” Marcus shrugged one shoulder again. “It all depends on the person.” His fingers wandered up over Ben’s chest until he touched the side of his neck, his jaw. He hooked a finger under the chain that held Will’s dog tag and pulled it out from under Ben’s shirt, smoothing his hand over it. “I mean, there’s been this one guy in particular that I kind of like.”

  Ben huffed out a laugh, closing his eyes against the gentle touch. “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah.” Marcus propped himself up on his elbow again so he could look directly at Ben. “I mean, he’s kind of a goofball, but he’s hot, so that’s okay.”

  Ben covered his face with his hand. “Holy shit, you are the worst.”

  Marcus pulled his hand away and grinned down at him. Their faces were so close together that Ben raised his head and kissed him, smiling against his lips. He used the hand on Marcus’s back to pull him closer. They were so caught up in trading slow kisses neither one of them heard quick footsteps on the stairs.

  Beth burst through Ben’s open door like she always did, and the strangled sound she made had Ben and Marcus pulling away from each other so quickly Marcus almost fell off the bed.

  “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Beth had her hand over her eyes, and Ben would have been laughing his ass off if he hadn’t been quite so mortified.

  He and Marcus scrambled off the bed, tugging their T-shirts back into place. Ben ran his hand through his hair and tried not to panic. It was habit more than anything, the rising panic in his chest. He swallowed it down.

  “What are you doing here?” he squeaked. “I thought you had practice.”

  Beth gingerly took her hand away from her eyes, peeking between her fingers. “I did. We’re back already.” She smiled at Ben in a way he knew was not good. “Guess you were busy, Benny.”

  Marcus snorted. “Benny?” They both looked at Marcus, who’d been silently watching them. He gave them both a wide grin. “That’s awesome.”

  Ben groaned. “Oh god. Fine. Marcus, this is my dumb little sister, Beth.”

  “Hey!”

  “Shut up. Beth, this is Marcus, my—” Ben wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence. Marcus apparently did.

  “Boyfriend.”

  When Ben whipped around to stare at him, Marcus made an aborted motion toward him and stopped, fidgeting a little where he stood, and added, “I mean, if that’s okay.”

  “Yeah.” Ben reached out and Marcus took his hand. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

>   “Ugh.” Ben had almost forgotten that Beth was still standing there. “I saw the motorcycle but didn’t think—” Her cheeks turned pink. “Just remember to close your door next time, Benny.” She paused, leaning against the doorframe on her way out. “You’re lucky Mom sent me to get you.”

  “What does she want?” Ben called after her.

  “I don’t know. Go ask her yourself.” He could hear her going back down the steps. “It was nice to meet you, Marcus.” The last was shouted so his parents would be sure to hear.

  “You too!” Marcus called after Beth. He looked at Ben and shrugged. “What? I was being polite?”

  Ben rolled his eyes. “We might as well get this over with.”

  “Sure thing, Benny.” Marcus laughed when Ben shot him a betrayed look. “Sorry. It’s cute.” He pulled Ben closer with their joined hands and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “I should probably be going anyway.”

  Ben helped Marcus gather his things, and they walked down the stairs side by side. Just before they reached the bottom, Ben reached over and laced their fingers together.

  “You sure?” Marcus asked, searching his face.

  Ben nodded. “I’m sure.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  BEN’S PARENTS WERE remarkably not embarrassing, at least, while Marcus was still there. Ben was sure that would come later. They said hello and then faded into the living room while Ben walked Marcus out to his motorcycle.

  “They seem cool.” Marcus nodded toward the house. “You’re lucky.”

  “I think so.” Ben really did think that. They hadn’t blinked when he’d walked into the kitchen holding another boy’s hand. “Do you want me to hang on to the extra helmet for you?”

  “Nah. I’ll take it.” He clipped it somehow to the bike and turned back to Ben as he put the other one on. “You’ve got practice tomorrow?”

  “Yeah, and then the game Saturday.” Ben kicked at piece of gravel, weirdly nervous about asking Marcus to come. Even though Ryan had all but promised they were all going to be there. “Are you coming?” he managed, finally.

  “Wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Marcus kissed him then, and Ben hugged him tight. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Ben stood back while Marcus cranked the bike and rode away, staying outside until the sound of the engine faded. He turned and started toward the house, looking up just in time to see someone, or multiple someones, move away from the window. He stopped at the bottom of the steps and considered escaping to Ryan’s house, before squaring his shoulders and marching inside.

  And now, looking into his bowl of low-fat frozen yogurt, Ben wondered if escape was still an option. The yogurt had been pulled out of the freezer along with chocolate chip cookie dough for his mom and mint chocolate chip for his dad. It was going to be that kind of conversation.

  “So, you and Marcus are dating?” His mom got right to the point.

  Ben shrugged. “I guess.”

  “So, he’s your…” The question hung in the air. She liked to define things, which was annoying at times, but at least everything would be clear.

  “Boyfriend.” Ben smiled down at his yogurt before he could stop himself. “But don’t make a big deal about it, okay?”

  His mom reached over and gave his arm a squeeze. “I’ll do my best.” Ben took a bite of his frozen yogurt. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” She was smiling, but the question was overly cautious.

  Oh god.

  Ben put his spoon back in the bowl. He knew what she was hinting at, but he wasn’t about to have that kind of conversation in the kitchen. But there was something else he needed to say. He considered his next words carefully.

  “I’m thinking about coming out to the team.”

  The announcement was met with complete silence. Ben looked up to see both of his parents staring at him, his mom worried and his dad thoughtful.

  “Kiddo”—her voice was careful, as though she was afraid of saying the wrong thing—“you know we support you, no matter what.”

  Ben held her eyes, pretty certain what she was going to say. “But?”

  She gave him a look. “But. You know how those boys can be. I just—” She broke off, looking helplessly at his dad for help.

  His dad sighed and covered her hand with his own. “We worry.” He shook his head a little sadly. “The locker room can be an ugly place. Are you sure this is what you want?” He held up a hand before Ben could answer. “Of course, you should do whatever you want, whenever you want. This is completely your choice. I’m only wondering if college might be more accepting.”

  Ben thought about that.

  “I don’t know.” He hesitated again, thinking about what he wanted to say. “It feels like I’ve been talking myself into waiting forever. I told Ryan almost by accident. If I hadn’t, who knows when I would have.” He fiddled with the spoon in his bowl. “It was this big—I don’t know—thing, and if I hadn’t had Ryan, I don’t know what I would have done. Maybe I would have told you sooner.” His mom flinched and Ben hurried to explain. “It wasn’t anything you guys did, please don’t think that. It was—”

  His mom sniffled, and he realized she was crying, but when he reached over, she waved him off. “It’s okay. I’m fine. You keep talking.” She grabbed a paper towel and blew her nose, motioning for him to go on.

  “Anyway, I don’t want to make a big announcement or anything. I don’t want to hide anything, you know?”

  “All right, then.” His dad nodded. “You should probably give Coach a heads-up, so he’s aware of the situation.” He grimaced. “Wait, no. ‘Situation’s’ a bad word. I mean let him know so he’s prepared for any reactions, positive or negative, from the boys.” That thoughtful look was back. “I think some of them might surprise you, good or bad.”

  Ben nodded slowly. “I was planning on it. I can meet with him before practice or something. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow.”

  “That sounds like a good plan, baby.” His mom’s eyes were still a little red, but she was smiling again. Ben fidgeted for another few seconds and then got up and hugged her. It was still weird that her head barely reached his chin, but no one gave hugs like she did. And what a relief it was that his parents were backing him up—like he’d just put down a heavy weight. At least if things went horribly wrong, he’d have them on his side.

  Ben let himself breathe and hold on to her until it was almost too much. He then cleared his throat and stepped away and sat back down in front of his bowl of rapidly melting frozen yogurt. “Thanks, guys.”

  “So.” His dad had a grin on his face that put Ben immediately on alert. “Boyfriend, huh?”

  Ben dropped his head to the counter, but couldn’t stop his grin.

  “Yeah. Boyfriend.”

  IT TOOK ALL of Ben’s willpower to get out of bed for his run the next morning. He was up and moving on pure muscle memory for the first mile, before he was fully awake. He’d spent half the night texting Ryan, and then Marcus, unable to settle down enough to sleep. All the back and forth over what he was going to do made him feel like his brain was going in circles.

  Coming out to the team, the school, everyone, could be the end of hockey for him. Admittedly, that was the worst-case scenario; in his heart, Ben didn’t believe that would happen. He couldn’t believe that, because if he did, then there was no way he’d be able to go through with anything.

  He shook his head, pacing around to keep moving while he waited on the light to change. It was his senior year, after all, and he’d only have to make it through until graduation. The next challenge would be playing on the college level and being out. He had no idea what that would be like, but he wouldn’t have the anxiety of coming out hanging over his head. It would just be one more fact about him.

  And then there was the actuality of someone wanting him as a boyfriend. It was something he’d pushed away for so long that it seemed unreal. Marcus was—Marcus was so freaking cool and funny, and Ben had no idea why Marcus would waste
his time with him. Actually, that was a lie, but insecurity reared its ugly head at the most inopportune times. Like when he was pushing through his tiredness to stick to his routine.

  Ben understood why Marcus had said the word ‘boyfriend’ and declared in front of his sister what they were. Ben hadn’t clicked with someone like he had with Marcus, and he guessed Marcus felt the same way. It had been a quick thing, but he felt comfortable with him, like he could tell him anything. He was understanding and nice and his being, God help him, sweet was just icing on the cake. Marcus seemed to like Ben an awful lot, at least enough that he liked spending time with him and kissing him and—

  Ben suddenly realized he was approaching his own driveway. He’d completely zoned out, jogging on autopilot after making the turn to head home. Ugh. He was going to be a basket case all day. Before going inside, he took a minute to get it together, not looking forward to another interrogation session from Beth.

  He could hear them talking in the kitchen when he walked inside, but the conversation stopped after he closed the front door behind him. Of course, they were talking about him; he didn’t know why they even tried to hide it. Huffing out a laugh, he stomped up the stairs to get ready for school. He was running late as it was and would have to hurry if he wanted breakfast.

  The shower helped to shake off his sleepless night, and Ben was feeling almost normal by the time he hauled his gear bag and backpack downstairs. He dropped his stuff by the front door, but stopped at the sight of Ryan in whispered conversation with his mom in the kitchen.

  “No problem, Mom.” Ryan gave her a hug before turning to Ben, snagging a piece of toast on the way. “You about ready to go?”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Tell you in the car.”

  Ben grimaced at the spray of toast crumbs and looked at his mom. She waved him away, giving him a watery smile.

  “Mom?”

  She hesitated for a minute, before finally rounding the counter to hug him tightly. “If I could wrap you in bubble wrap, I would,” she whispered as she pulled away and patted him on the shoulder. “I am very proud of you.” Ben watched his mom leave the kitchen, sniffling. He wondered if she’d gotten any sleep, either. He looked at his dad questioningly.