Billy Coatbutton and the Wheel of Destiny

by Michael James Ploof

  Billy was dressed in a white sock. A small brown leather belt was about his waist, and a backpack of odds and ends he had slung over his right shoulder. Among the odds and ends that Billy carried were the center of a magnifying glass, a half a dog treat, a match end and striking paper, and a small sack of finely ground pepper. The pepper sack was attached to a string; when being attacked by an animal, it was quite effective when hit on the nose of the said beast. Upon the right side of his belt hung a small three-pronged fishing hook, which was attached to a return spindle, made by none other than his own father. Billy had practiced with it for years, and was quite proficient in hook swinging. Upon the left side of his belt and sheathed was his two-inch needle sword. Like all treasure-hunter apprentices, he had trained extensively with it, along with the smaller dagger needle. He hoped that he would not have to use the needle sword, but from what he had heard of the tests, he very well might have to.

  The door to the test chamber opened in answer to Pete Coatbutton’s knock, and, together, he and Billy stepped inside. The vault was really just the beginning chamber to a series of tunnels, some leading outside, some back to Old Glory, and others to places within the castle. Within the test vault stood seven gnomes, the judges. They stood side by side, faces expressionless. Billy couldn’t help but think that they looked like the medieval executioners, in their hooded black socks, which he had once seen on the humans’ TV. Behind the middle gnome judge was the Wheel of Destiny, and, upon it, seven different treasures were listed; each treasure was a missing item of the humans of Sockefeller Castle.

  The middle gnome judge spoke as he read a scroll. “Billy Coatbutton!”

  Billy remembered his father’s advice not to mumble; in a clear and firm voice, he answered, “Present!”

  The judge eyed him for a moment and read on. “You have passed the treasure-hunter tests, you graduated top of your class, and you have come here today for your first test of mastery. Is that correct?”

  Billy noted that the judge said ‘first test’; he did not think Billy would pass. “Yes, sir, that is correct.”

  “You are aware of the dangers of such a test, are you not?” the judge asked.

  “I am, sir,” answered Billy, not so stoically.

  “Are you ready to spin the wheel and accept your test?”

  Billy looked to the wheel; he could just make out the words “cat

  collar.” He swallowed hard. “I am ready,” he said firmly.

  The judge stepped aside to let Billy spin the wheel. Now Billy could see the seven items upon the wheel: cat collar, diamond ring, baby pacifier, cigar lighter, silver pen, inhaler, and left garden glove. Billy tried not to look at the cat collar. He took a deep breath and spun the wheel. Round and round it went, for a time eternal, it seemed; finally it slowed, and slowed, and…Billy breathed easier as the pointer on the wheel slowly passed cat collar, went by diamond ring almost as fast, passed another and another, and, to Billy’s dread, came full circle to rest on cat collar. The judges looked at each other and to Billy. Billy looked to his father; his father could only give him a “good luck, son” smile.

  “Choose your path,” said the middle judge.

  Billy thought for a moment. Cat collar…what have I heard about the cat collar? Nothing came to mind, but Billy knew that his best bet in finding out about the business of the many castle cats would be the clan beast master. Using his knowledge of the castle layout, he determined that the center tunnel would be the quickest.

  “I choose the middle path,” announced Billy.

  The judges all stepped aside. Again the center judge spoke. “Any moment the town bell will chime the sixth hour; you have until the

  seventh hour to return to us with the treasure. If you do not, you will fail. Is this understood?”

  “It is,” answered Billy, just as the clock struck the sixth hour. The distant bells had barely begun when Billy ran down the middle tunnel to his first destination, the beast master.

  Chapter 2

  The Crazy Gnome of Sockefeller Castle

  Billy raced down the tunnel, his gear making too much noise for his liking. He knew that in fifty paces he would come to a stair that would lead him high up within the castle walls to the beast master of Sockefeller Castle, Helix Bonsaitree. Sure enough, after fifty paces he came to the stair, but also waiting for him was the stench of rats.

  Billy froze. He did not realize until it was in his hand that he held the needle sword. He quieted his breath and trained his eyes on the gloomy darkness of the tunnel.

  There was a quick shuffle and what he thought was a hiss. Billy backed up a step onto the stair and waited. The silence seemed to hold its breath as Billy listened; not a sound met his ears. This fact did not make him feel any better; on the contrary, he was in the clutches of the unknown, of darkness, and it was more horrible than any foe.

  His mind screamed for him to run, another part to stay still as stone, and yet another wished him to challenge the darkness. His mother’s words came to mind.

  Mice can be seen by humans, though they go mostly unseen because a mouse knows when to be a mouse.

  Billy made himself as quiet as a mouse, and slowly took one step after another up the stairs, his eyes glued to the entrance to the stairwell, his ears perked for any movement not natural. For some reason, however, he had assumed that the rat stench was wafting toward him from the tunnel. He did not realize until it was too late that the smell was coming from the very stairwell that he climbed blindly.

  The rat came at him with a hiss and would have taken off his head had he not been ready reflexively, due to the years of surprise attacks by his own brother. Oh, how he had hated the surprise sack of flour in the face, or the socking (lifting of one’s sock over one’s head) he had gotten in school on the account of his bigger brother. Or the wrestling matches with him that had always ended in Billy tapping out in the end. He now thanked his older brother for the many surprise attacks that now allowed him to drop to his belly as the huge rat lunged forward, gleaming teeth and rotten stench leading the way.

  Without thinking, Billy struck hard upward into the rat’s shoulder with his needle sword, burying it to the hilt. The rat shrieked and jumped, causing Billy to lose hold of the sword. The injured creature bounded over Billy and scurried down the tunnel.

  Rats in these tunnels! What have they come to with these stupid trials?

  As if the trials were not hard enough, the trial masters had to, each year, make them more perilous and trying, as if it was not hard enough to be small in a big world. But like his father always told him, “If you are small in a big world then you must do big things.”

  Billy tried to do the big thing at that moment but his instincts got the better of him. So, brandishing his needle dagger and sack of pepper, he ran for his life up those stairs, not stopping until he came to the intricately carved door, high above most rooftops. He paused, trying to catch his breath. In the silence of his footsteps he heard the telltale sound of a furious rat climbing the stairs with devastating speed. The echoes within the stairwell did nothing to calm him, for they made it sound like any moment the five-pound injured and enraged rat would come around the final bend in the spiral stair and have Billy for lunch. He turned to the door and beat frantically on the carved surface. There was no answer, but a metal circle at the center of the door shifted, and a large and fearsome eye peered out at him.

  “Open the door,” Billy screamed.

  Nothing happened.

  The noise of the swiftly ascending rat grew unbearable as its steady hissing echoed upward through the staircase to Billy’s ears. The eye settled on Billy.

  “Hello in there, Mr. Helix…er, Mr. Bonsaitree. I could use some

  help here.”

  The eye went from Billy to the darkness of the stairwell beyond; abruptly the peephole closed. Billy pounded once more on the door. “Hey!”

  The rat was but a few dozen stairs from Billy and gaining fast; he had only moments. He swallowed d
own his fear, planted his legs, raised his needle dagger and pepper sack, and stood ready. As he quivered, he cursed the gnome behind the thick door.

  There was a chuckle from behind the door and Billy heard a faint metallic sound come from the walls.

  “Maybe there is something to you after all, Billy Coatbutton. Stand with your back to the door and you will be safe; do not do this, and you will not be safe.”

  Immediately Billy put his back to the door and none too fast as the rat came up and around the final bend in the stair. Its black beady eyes set upon Billy, its reeking maw opened to consume. Billy held his place and did not try to attack, trusting the only chance he had, the crazy old gnome. He closed his eyes. The rat leapt forward and would have been upon Billy, but before its huge teeth could touch him, Billy fell backward into the opening doorway. A figure stepped over him and Billy was suddenly blinded. There was a shriek from the rat and a curse from the old gnome that had come through the doorway. The blinding light subsided and Billy watched as Helix Bonsaitree growled and hissed at the rat, and in a commanding voice bellowed, “Be gone from this place, foul creature. We are not cheese or rotting refuse! We are gnomes! We fear you not! Back! Back, foul beast.”

  There was another blinding flash and the beast shrieked as Helix suddenly jabbed it in the nose with an eight-inch needle spear. The rat wanted no part of the hunt any longer and quickly scurried away down the stairwell.

  “Play your stinking games but keep your killer rats out of my stairwells,” yelled the old crazy gnome of Sockefeller Castle. He cocked his head as if to see Billy’s face better.

  “Well, then, are you coming in or will you remain on the floor?”

  The old crazy gnome limped his way back to his kitchen. Billy abruptly got to his feet, cringed as he slipped in rat drool, and slammed the door. It had seven locks upon it; he locked them all and stood with his back against the door, panting. Billy looked at the room around him.

  Upon the walls were dozens of cutouts from human newspapers. Men Billy had never seen littered the walls. But Billy knew enough about humans to know that the men he saw in the pictures were rich men. But seen also within the pictures, within those pictures that showed the rich men in their houses and properties, were sock gnomes. To the human eye they could not be seen, but to the gnome eye they were there plain as argyle. Just as rich-looking as the humans, they were. Cutouts of various human quotes also adorned the walls.

  “Imagine all the people living for today.” “I have a dream.” “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

  These quotes and many pictures littered the walls of the entire abode; they constituted the old crazy gnome’s wall paper. Billy slowly walked to the kitchen area whilst perplexed by a picture of a human monk in robes on fire, squatting as if unharmed, a canister to his side.

  “Do you like tea?” asked the old gnome.

  “Ye—” Billy cleared his throat. “Yes.”

  “Good, then, you will hate this,” chuckled the old gnome. “It is what I was planning on trying before you so rudely brought a frothing rat to my door so you are very well going to try it and like it.”

  He set a steaming cup in front of Billy and eyed him with his one good eye. Over the other he wore a leather patch. Billy gulped and reached for the cup. He dared not wonder what was in it and took no time in smelling it before bringing it to his mouth to drink. The liquid hit his mouth hot and strong. Billy swallowed and tasted some sort of bitter tea. For a time the steam coming from their cups was the only movement within the silent room.

  The old gnome eyed Billy intently, his gaze giving away nothing of his thoughts. Billy felt as though he could see right through him. It was rumored that the old gnome used magic, and judging by his many curious items within the room, Billy did not doubt it. There were numerous glass salt and pepper shakers lining one wall, along with large vials filled with a variety of insects floating within a milky substance. A variety of bird feathers made up his curtains, and a rabbit’s foot had been fashioned into a chair. Upon the floor were many different animal hide carpets, such as squirrel and chipmunk. In the corner of the large living quarters was a three-tailed hand-stitched squirrel tail hammock, hanging from two walls.

  The old gnome continued to stare at Billy and finally lowered his gaze as he nodded to himself, as if coming to a conclusion. Billy sipped his drink and tried not to show his dislike for the bitter tea. The old gnome laughed.

  “It may not be the tastiest of drinks, but it will give you the energy you will need for the rest of your quest.”

  Billy eyed the drink with a raised eyebrow and drank again, this time emptying the mug.

  “Mr. Bonsai, what do you know of my quest?”

  The old gnome leaned back in his chair and pondered for a while. Finally, he stood and gingerly walked back to a drawer and retrieved a small cup. He sat back down. “Let’s consult the bones. Give me your finger.”

  Billy hesitated for a moment and finally reached across the table. The old gnome grabbed his hand and poked one of his fingers with a small needle.

  “Sock holes!” exclaimed Billy as he withdrew his hand.

  “Watch your mouth, you. I’ll not have the taking of the sock’s name in vain!”

  “What did you do that for?” insisted Billy.

  But the old gnome did not respond. Instead he grabbed Billy’s hand once again and held the finger over the small cup. After seven drops fell into the cup, the old gnome gave Billy back his hand. He then shook the cup, mumbled to himself for a moment, and spilled seven bloody bird bones upon the table.

  “What in the name of argyle are you do—”

  “Sshh!” Helix warned with a finger to his lips. His one eye skipped from bone to bone then he sat back to take in the big picture.

  “Hhmm.”

  Billy waited while the old crazy gnome mumbled to himself once again. He waited while he stared at the bones and tapped his finger to his temple. Billy waited until he could wait no longer. Finally he stood up.

  “I don’t have time for this. Thank you for the tea and all but I have a treasure to find.”

  Helix lifted an eye. “You owe me your life, young gnome! You can give me five minutes!”

  Chastised, Billy sat back down in his chair with a sigh. He had decided that he did not like the old crazy gnome much, but he did respect him. The old hermit had saved him from the rat, after all.

  Helix Bonsaitree was known to every gnome within the town of Arappathy, and many more. He was a legend of sorts, said to have magical powers and mind-reading abilities. It was even rumored that he kept cats as pets, rode upon the backs of birds, and traveled within the pockets of men. He was hardly ever seen; a sighting once in a lifetime was said to be rare.

  Finally the old gnome looked Billy in the eye and spoke.

  “You have two roads before you. One promises victory in finishing your quest. The other leads to a spiraling rabbit hole of knowledge and enlightenment, but also a cost.”

  Billy shivered. “What cost?”

  “Your sanity,” said Helix.

  Thunder rolled in the distance. Billy gulped. Helix regarded him with amusement. “Do not fret boy. A sane gnome will seem insane in an insane world, while an insane gnome will feel at gnome home. The question is not ‘will you lose your sanity?’ but, rather, ‘will you gain it?’”

  Billy slowly nodded to the old gnome. “Right. Um, do you always talk in riddles?”

  Helix raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Instead he gulped down his remaining tea and burped loudly. He gingerly got up and shuffled to another room. Billy could hear him rummaging through the room searching for something. Colorful curses echoed throughout the gnome home until finally Helix emerged with a small cloth sack in his hand. He shuffled over to Billy and handed it to him.

  “Take this. It may come in handy during your quest.”

  Billy turned the sack in his hands and realized it was stitched closed. He smelled it. “Catnip.”

  Helix n
odded and gestured toward the far wall. Billy followed as the old gnome walked toward the wall and tilted a book upon a shelf. Suddenly a doorway appeared where there had not been one before. It opened slightly.

  “This passage will lead you safely to the inner walls of the Sockefeller library. From there, choose your own path.”

  Billy leaned into the open stairwell and looked down into darkness. He turned to thank Helix but the door slammed shut, leaving him in the pitch-black stairwell, alone.

  Chapter 3

  A Fork in the Road

  Billy went slowly down the pitch-black stairwell. He assumed that it had been built into the stone by Helix himself. What a loony old toad he is, thought Billy.All the crazy talk about being crazy if you were not crazy, and sane if you were insane, two roads leading down rabbit holes and such. Billy had no idea what the old gnome was talking about. He was glad that Helix had been there to help against the rat. Billy shivered at the thought of the huge rodent. It had not occurred to him how close he had really come to being rat food. He suddenly felt bad for not being more polite and grateful-acting toward the old gnome. He could just hear his mother chastising him about such bad manners.

  Billy was brought back from his pondering when his hand felt a wooden door before him, and upon further searching with his hand, a latch. He pressed his large ear to the wall but heard nothing but the ticking of a clock, a very large clock.

  He slowly lifted the latch as he held his breath. It was very dangerous to go wandering throughout tunnels and parts of the unknown wilds; it was also very dangerous to open doors without knowing what was on the other side. Billy opened the door a sliver and peeked out; he saw nothing but stone and wood, dust and cobwebs. Slowly he crept from behind the door and quickly looked in the other direction: nothing behind him. He exited the doorway completely and silently closed it. From this side, once the door was closed, it was nearly impossible to see the seam in the wooden wall. The wall was really a support beam separating one floor from another; it was in this space that Billy now stood.