Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House

by Martha Long

  Yeah! He got himself banned by the nuns. Up until then, he could go over for his dinner and bark at the back door. The kitchen nun came out with scraps of lovely lamb chops. But it was the Reverend Mother that got it this time, so that was that! He’s barred!

  Even you began to see him in a different light. Yeah! Your father turned up to collect you for the weekend. I had persuaded you to take the mutt. ‘Ah, go on, darling! He’s your dog. Just think, he’ll be able to play with their dog. The little fat corgi!’

  ‘Mummy! He’s not fat!’

  ‘No, but still and all. Think of all the exercise that dog will get trying to keep up with our Bonzo. They can play together. I’m sure your father will be delighted! Dogs need plenty of exercise, you know! If they get fat, they can drop dead of a heart attack!’ I said, looking shocked.

  ‘He’s not fat, Mummy! I told you!’ she snorted, letting her face screw up with disgust at the insult to her father’s dog.

  ‘No! No, he’s not! But take him anyway, love!’ I said, looking at Bonzo, with the big chocolate-drop eyes looking mournful at the thought he might miss out on his outing. He sat on his arse with his ears flapping, swinging his head from her to me, knowing well not to make a move until he saw which way the wind was blowing.

  ‘He’ll liven up the place!’ I said, stroking his head for being so good. ‘Ah, go on, Sarah! Take him. Your father is going to be delighted with all the enjoyment he gets outa him once he gets to know him!’

  Her father turned up, getting the land of his life. He stared down at the dog straining at the leash. Then stared in disbelief as Bonzo took off, tearing himself and Sarah down the path, straight out the gate. Bonzo has had enough! All that fuss! he’s thinking, and now I might not even make it out the door! Action! Show them who they’re dealing with. Here I come!

  ‘Wait! Stop, Bonzo! Down, boy!’ Sarah screamed, skidding along the ground as he pulled the arms outa her.

  I sucked in me breath, thinking, Jaysus! Whatever I’m feeding that dog, it’s doing him a power of good. ‘Ah! See how excited he is to be going with her! Sure, they can’t be parted,’ I droned, looking up at him.

  ‘Hmm!’ he said, taking off after the two of them, then turning back to give me a sour look.

  I gave him a big wink, snapping me thumb in the air, then flew in, banging the door behind me.

  You came back from that weekend dragging him home by the scruff of the neck, saying, ‘He’s in disgrace, Mummy! They never want to set eyes on him again. He dug up her new exotic plants, the ones she just put into the garden, then started a row with Hafner, the corgi – they fought all the time. Then Hafner started peeing inside the house, to protect his territory, and Bonzo did the same. Then on Sunday, he jumped up on the table in the conservatory, where she’d left her cake to cool. It was supposed to be for our tea that evening, Mummy! Do you know what he did?’ she said, looking shocked to the roots of her toenails.

  ‘No, darling. What did he do?’ I said, looking sad and shocked too.

  ‘Bonzo jumped up . . .’

  ‘ . . . and lurried the lot down his neck?’ I said, interrupting her.

  ‘Yes!’ she whispered, puffing out her disgust and horror, then stared at me with an outraged, ‘Tsk, tsk!’

  ‘Does that mean he won’t be able to go on your next visit?’ I said, wanting to make sure.

  She stared at me with an outraged look on her face, reminding me of a Reverend Mother who has just been told to fuck off! Sarah drew in her breath, getting her little nose all pinched, then tried patiently to explain how badly Bonzo had behaved.

  ‘They were cheek to jowl the whole weekend, Mummy. That’s what Mona called it. Stuck together side by side! Poor Hafner was terribly upset. He was on the move all the time. He couldn’t rest even for one minute because Bonzo might do something to mark the house as his territory! That’s why they kept wee-weeing, then fighting!’ she explained, exploding air out through her nose, making the dust fly.

  ‘Oh, and she was very cross, Mummy! And cross with me for bringing him, and she said you did it on purpose! And Daddy got into trouble for listening to you. And everyone was very cross, Mummy! It was terrible. The weekend was a washout!’ she said, copying something I might say. ‘Dreadful, Mummy!’ she whispered, shaking her head at me, looking the mother of all sorrows. ‘All Bonzo’s fault,’ she sighed, now shaking her head at the memory. Then she ran outa wind and sighed, ‘Ohh! But now I’m really happy to be home again.’

  Me heart melted hearing her say that. ‘Aw! Sugar plum! Mamma’s little chicken! I’m sorry. That lump won’t be going anywhere for a while. Ah, never mind. Come over to me and I’ll give you a big hug!

  ‘Now! I have something lovely to cheer us up. Wait until you see the lovely surprise I have for you. Look! Special Holly Hobby writing paper and envelopes in a lovely Holly Hobby box! And rubbers and pencils to match!’

  ‘Oh, Mummy! I love you!’

  Poor Sarah, there were times, too, when I was hard to take. I would cross the line too far into her childhood. Like the time I watched her putting on the new roller skates she got from her father. I grabbed one and whipped it on me. Then took off, flying up the road, telling her, ‘You have the other one and we’ll race!’ She chased me up the road, crying her eyes out, wanting the skate back.

  It was times like that she wanted a mother who was more sedate. Acted their age! I was no longer interested in going out with some gobshite for dinner then running home for me life because he was only interested in me body. No! My idea of relaxing was sitting at home watching the telly, laughing me head off at Fawlty Towers, with Bonzo snoring beside me on the couch. Then on Saturday, hammering around the grounds of the nuns’ convent across the road, playing hide and seek with the mutt. I would wait until he took off ahead of me at sixty miles an hour, then I would drop behind a tree. No problem to him! He came thundering back, heading straight for me. I couldn’t put him off me scent. Not until the day I hid behind the nuns’ oil tank! He spent about twenty minutes flying in all directions. I laughed like a two year old, watching him.

  I had no end of fun with the dog and kids – Sarah’s friends. I used to play cards with them, roaring me head off if I lost. In the summer, we played badminton in the back garden. We tied a brick to each end of the clothesline, then strung it across the garden walls. This was a serious business. I played to win, so did Sarah and her friends. They would line up against the garden wall, waiting their turn to play the winner. If I sent a shuttlecock flying into the rockery, then it was in. If Sarah sent it there, it was out! I screamed like a banshee! She screamed louder!

  Oh, yes! This was a serious business. I was a shocking cheat! The neighbours! Oh, very respectable. They objected to my language. No! I didn’t behave like the other mothers. I didn’t have coffee with them. I played with their kids! I was an adult, having the best childhood of my life. Sarah was mortified. She had to live with me. The others thought I was the greatest thing since sliced pan! I was a novelty for them. They didn’t have to put up with me carryings on. They even used to bring me little presents and whisper they wished their mummies were just like me!

  I glanced down at the pills and emptied out four this time – not wanting to overdo it, I might get sick! – and popped them into my mouth.

  The final straw was Harry. I know that now. I was limping along up until then. Well, sort of. I thought I was just down in the dumps, winter blues. But with you, Sarah, now up and gone, leaving me time on my hands but not full health to enjoy it, I started to sink. I no longer had a purpose in life.

  When my mind finally got the message, it stopped making huge plans. I would travel! Make a new life. Yeah! Happy days!! But my body wouldn’t oblige. I had no energy. My mind finally settled down, watching and waiting for the body to recover. It didn’t happen. So the mind gave up and went into a long snooze.

  No more reasoning, no rationale to call upon. But the emotions! They blazed into action. It was as if I had been taken over by the da
rk side of me. The completely negative side. I was raw emotion, and it was a particularly malignant cancer. Hatred for myself oozed through my veins. I was completely in contempt of myself. Indifferent to any pain or suffering I was enduring. Hell-bent on destroying myself for failing, and making sure it was a very slow death.

  You’re no good! the negative me said. You can’t work. Not much good for anything really, are you? it sneered. No! Don’t invite friends. It will tire you out and you’ll only bore them. Ah! It’s too much effort, don’t bother about anything. Uh, uh! No need to get dressed! Who is going to see you? It’s not worth the effort. Save your strength. Food! Eating? I don’t think so. Just let go! There’s no need to prolong the agony. That’s right, just give up. Anyway, you don’t deserve happiness. Who are you? You are fooling yourself! You are nobody! What have you achieved in your life? Let me see! See what? Your best efforts amounted to nothing. Nada. You are a fraud. A little nobody who thought she could fool herself and everybody around her. But deep down you know you are still the street kid! You will never escape that.

  What are you doing now? No! You cannot go into your best room. You will upset all the order you have imposed. The room is immaculate! Everything is perfection. When all else failed, you still had your little nest. This is what you dreamed about. Civilised living. Safe, clean and peaceful. No more chaos and filth and terror! So! Do not disturb, or you will have nothing! Everything will fall to pieces, and you will land back right where you started with not even a pair of shoes for your feet!

  My God! Deep sigh! You must take care of the house! That will keep away the terrors waiting to stalk you!

  You will lose everything! Plunge back to the never-ending nightmare of the streets! The world will piss on you! You will die in some doorway, bereft and lonely. With no one to care. Anyway! The room is too good for the likes of you! The house is too good for you! You didn’t make it!

  No! This is not the picture you carried in your head through all those bad days long ago, and even when things were bad later on. No! The picture you had was of a house with lots of happy people in it. A lovely man who was gentle and loved you, and happy children. Everyone contented. Everyone safe. Lots of love going around, and people laughing. You in the middle of them all, taking care of everyone.

  It was finally when the deafening silence and the coldness of the house hit you that you realised it wasn’t a home. Just a house, and you were never going to get that family you always craved. It just was not going to work out. When that finally came home to you, then you gave up and started to punish yourself, because you are a failure.

  Nope! No more pleasure for you. Put that cigarette out! And no more drinking cups of tea. You are no longer entitled to any pleasure, and, I underline this, no more books! You will not be allowing yourself to read!

  So what’s left? Nothing! I have painted myself into a corner! There’s no way out! It looks like ye won, Jackser! But! I’ll still get ye, you mad bastard! I’ll be back te haunt ye! Night an fucking day! I’ll be there to watch you die roarin! And fuck you too, Ma! I wish you had died at birth! Then I would never have been born! And you, too, God! Because you never really existed!

  I grabbed the bottles of pills, emptying them onto the table. Fuck this! I shoved handfuls into my mouth, taking a sip of vodka with the tomato juice. ‘They call this a Bloody Mary!’ I laughed wryly, holding the glass in the air, crying, tears flooding down my cheeks. ‘Delicious! Pleasure again!’ I sobbed, shoving more pills down my throat. Yuk! My head shivered. Ah! They taste disgusting; there must be a better way to top yerself than this.

  I got the picture of Harry flying through the air. Harry! You too! THE BASTARD GOT THE LOT OF US! Even Charlie! He will be next. After you and me, Harry. The others live in a twilight world.

  No! Fuck it. Don’t let him get you, Charlie! Don’t let the ratbag win! I carried you long enough! Yeah! I’m going to make him fucking fight. Where’s me notepaper! He’ll have to listen to me dying wish.

  Dear Charlie,

  Stay off the drink. Get back on yer feet! Or I’m comin back te haunt you, Charlie! Do this for me! I never asked you for anything! Remember, I’ll be watching you, and I’ll still be looking out for you, Charlie. You can always find me. I’ll be before you and behind you and beside you. Nothing can really separate us. I just got tired. Sorry about the quick exit! Now! I want you to be positive. That means you are to look on the bright side. Do you understand that? Pay attention to these words. This is important.

  You are the last one standing! Think of this, Charlie! You are the only one to survive! You’re the winner! That proves, Charlie, just how powerful you are, really strong! OK? You are very intelligent, Charlie. Use it, and remember! No matter what happens. No matter how low you get. I’m walking beside you. So! You are never to do anything that would harm yourself. Wait until you see Jackser planted! THIS IS MY DYING WISH! I expect that from you! You owe me! I carried you long enough! So! Stay fucking sober! Au Revoir! It’s French for ‘see you again’. Yes, I know you know that, Charlie. I love you! Remember, I’m watching you!

  All my dying love, Martha xx

  I stared at the paper. My hand just about made it. The letters are dancing around the page. I threw the pencil down; it’s too heavy to hold. Everything is getting dark; the bleedin room is spinning. I grabbed out to hold the table and take a swig of the vodka. Got it! I’m spinning through the air, the bottle flying with me. Never was much of a drinker! It’s gone to me head! Oh! Smack! I’m after landing on the fuckin floor.

  My whole life started flooding past me. Down, down, back all the days of my life, then stopped. Little Martha! ‘Youse won’t get the better a me!’ she was screaming.

  I stared at her. ‘Ah, but they did, little one. They did,’ I whispered.

  My mistake was I gave too much, tried too hard. I should have kept something back for myself. I always was a gobshite. It’s too late now. I’m sleepy, lovely!

  27

  * * *

  My eyes flickered open.

  ‘Drink this! Ah! You’ve spilled it down your front!’

  Hands are holding my head up for me to take a drink. I see water flowing from my mouth.

  ‘I’ll have to change you again!’ the voice belonging to the hands moans. Then nothing.

  My eyes open. I stare into the face of Charlie, my half-brother, sitting on a chair beside my bed. My bed! So I am still on this fucking planet.

  His mouth opens and his eyes widen. Then his brows knit together and he leans into me, saying, ‘Wha happened? Ye killed yerself, ye know!’

  Hope! Maybe I am dead after all. My eyes sweep around the room. They stop at a machine beside my bed. I am attached to this machine. Waves fly across it in an uneven line. Like they are drunk! My head moves to the left. A big box, the top half glass, is beside me on the left. I see nurses working there. I turn again, trying to figure out where I am. It doesn’t look like I’m dead.

  I see a window on the far side of the room behind Charlie, with a bed pushed into the corner beside it. Another machine stands next to it. It is blank. A man lies very still, his head turns a little, and he catches me staring at him. Our eyes lock for a moment. His face is dark red, but mostly purple. Then his eyes flicker, and he looks wearily away from me and stares up at the grey sky.

  My eyes move down to stop at another bed next to his. A man lies sleeping, strapped to another machine. He’s wheezing heavily. My eyes fly back to Charlie. No! I’m definitely not dead.

  ‘Well, ye nearly did!’ Charlie is complaining. ‘The police called te the door last Thursday night, tha was eight days ago! I gorr an awful fright. Thought they were after me for somethin! Then they asked me was I yer brother. I said, “Yeah!” and they said I have te get te the hospidal straight away. When I got here, you were in a bad way. You were hiked up to a machine, an the doctors told me ye had a fifty–fifty chance of survival. They said ye were brought in aroun half past one in the afternoon. An they spent the day pumpin ye out. But
at aroun half past eight tha night ye had a cardiac arrest, they said. An they had te rush ye up here, Intensive Care!

  ‘When I got here, God, ye looked bad! I was sittin on the chair here when suddenly the machine went mad. An the nurses came tearin over an sent me flyin out the door, an they were shoutin, “She’s in cardiac arrest! She’s now gone inta respiratory failure!” The nurse jumped onta the bed an was kneelin over ye, punchin yer chest. Then a doctor came flyin in the door wit other doctors tearin in behind him, an they slammed the door shut on me, tellin me te wait downstairs. Ye’ve been gone for over a week, Martha!’ he said, digging his knuckles into the bed, trying to make me understand. ‘They only took ye off the ventilator this mornin!

  ‘Ye’re very lucky te be here! By all rights, ye should be up lyin six feet under, in Glasnevin Cemetery, next te Harry! I didn’t think ye were goin te make it!’ he snorted.

  I stared impassively. He stared back at me, shaking his head in confusion. ‘They rang Sister Eleanor tha night, ye know. She said they wanted the next of kin. An she wasn’t yer next of kin. An they were wonderin why no one was claimin ye! You were left here on yer own. An be the time ye got bad tha night no one had still come in te enquire about ye! She had a job tryin te find my address. Tha’s why she contacted the police. They managed te find me!

  ‘God! I got an awful fright altogether! I don’t like the sight of the police. I kept thinkin I was in trouble for somethin! At first I wouldn’t tell them who I was. An they kept askin me was I Charlie Long or not! Then I said I was, an they kept lookin at me, wonderin wha I was up te.’ Then he gave a half-smile. ‘I didn’t do nothin at all, Martha! That’s the funny thing! But they always make me nervous!’ Then he pointed over at a locker sitting on the left side of me. ‘There’s yer tobacco an papers, an yer lighter.’