Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House

by Martha Long

  ‘Kick that door once more,’ I said, quietly enunciating each word through gritted teeth, ‘and I will give you such a kick up your fat arse, you won’t know what hit you! Then I will drown you in icy-cold water with a pot from the tearoom, and you will regret you ever messed with me! Do we understand each other, Molly?’

  She stared at me, her eyes beginning to pucker through the flesh, widening.

  ‘DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?’

  Her head bobbed up and down, with the eyes blinking. I marched in, slamming the door shut, muttering, ‘Spoilt bitch!’

  It’s morning. The nurse put her head in the door, smiling, and said, ‘Breakfast, Martha.’

  ‘Thanks, Nurse.’ I lifted my head, yawning, and stretched. The sun was trying to creep around the window, but it looks like a lovely day. I jumped up, ready to face it. Yeah! It’s going to be a nice day. I’ll go and have my breakfast, then take a bath and see how the day goes – just take it step by step. There’s no point in worrying about nothing. Oh! Where’s Molly? I looked over to the other bed. Her stuff is gone! Then I whipped open the door. She’s gone! There’s no sign of her. Yeah! Happy days. I’ve got the room to myself again.

  I polished off the grub quickly, because I was anxious to be on the move. Finished! I was out the door taking the stairs two at a time and into my room to give my teeth a quick clean, then brushed my hair. That will do. I’m ready. All I need now is a coat. I opened the wardrobe, taking out the long red coat with the wraparound belt and deep pockets, and changed into a pair of black boots. I better tell the nurse I am going out.

  As I opened the passage door, just about to walk past the nurses’ office, hoping Hornblower wouldn’t be on the prowl – she might try to stop me – I heard a familiar roar.

  50

  * * *

  ‘Martha!’

  I looked around, wondering who was calling me.

  ‘Where have you been all morning?’ Blondie shouted, laughing and looking wide-eyed as she ran down the stairs. She jumped the last two, trying to balance on her six-inch high heels, grabbing a hold of me to steady herself.

  ‘What did they want you up in the ward for yesterday? You never came back! Are you down here now? And listen! Where did you go with himself?’ she laughed, her eyes shining, dying to know what’s going on.

  ‘Well, I have been booted out of upstairs! I’m now down here. I can go where I please, wear what I want. Look! All dressed up in me outdoor clothes. I’m going out for a while.’

  Her eyes narrowed for a minute, letting a feeling of envy cross her face. Then she laughed. ‘Oh, I’m delighted for you! That means you will be going home soon!’ she roared, giving me a tight hug.

  Yeah, home, I thought, laughing with the nerves. ‘Yeah! You’re next, Blondie! Out the door. Then they’ll beetle around, tearing out barbed wire, and wrap it around the place to keep us out! So, better get yer skates on. Grab the monk while you can!’

  ‘Why? What were you up to yesterday? You never told me,’ she roared, giving me a suspicious look. ‘He didn’t invite me to join you, wherever the pair of you went,’ she sniffed, feeling sorry for herself.

  ‘Ahh! Don’t get excited, Blondie. Jaysus! He’s a long string of misery! I came staggering back here last night looking for something to hang meself with! I’m keeping away from that Russian. That fella would put you in an early grave,’ I snorted.

  She roared laughing, delighted to hear I hadn’t got me hands on him.

  ‘No! He’s still on the loose,’ I said, sniffing with disgust at all that huffing and puffing I did, hunting him down day and night. Jaysus! The idea of it. I shook my head, not believing the carry-on of me.

  ‘Listen, Blondie! Here’s what you’ll do!’ I said, bending over to whisper. ‘Just grab him! Grab your Gucci handbag and floor the Mercedes outa here. Take him home with you to Dick. Tell him the monk has to stay with you. For, eh, medicinal reasons. Or, he’s the new pet. A companion for the parrot, or whatever you have.

  ‘Now! While Dick is trying to digest this, give him the works. Tell him the hospital says you need private care. A monk! They’re harmless. Are you getting this?’ I said, nudging her, with the big smile plastered on her face.

  ‘Right! Now! They’re willing to loan him out. They have plenty to spare. He’s your new private nurse. And, eh, Dick will have to move outa the bed, into the spare room. You need to fit another bed in. Two singles. Then the monk can wear the carpet out in the middle. Rushing to nurse you,’ I said, flicking an eye on her big chest.

  ‘I don’t think Dick would be too happy with that arrangement,’ she said, getting a faraway look with her eyes all shiny. Really thinking about it!

  ‘Ah, ah! Put them dirty thoughts outa yer head,’ I said, giving her a push.

  She staggered back, and I tried to catch her. We ended up plastered on the floor, with her hanging onta me.

  ‘Let go a me fuckin good coat!’ I roared, laughing and crying as she tried to pull me down and get herself up.

  ‘Stop that horseplay! Get up off that floor, you two!’ a voice barked.

  I whipped around, seeing Hornblower tearing down the passage.

  ‘Come on, quick! She’ll stop me going out!’ I puffed, grabbing Blondie by the arm, trying to heave her up.

  ‘Mary Ann! Put your knickers on the inside of your trousers! You can’t wear them like that!’ Hornblower roared.

  A heat hit me belly and came roaring out in a big laugh. I pushed Blondie away as a high-pitched laugh came squealing out of her. ‘Fuck!’ I said, crawling away on me hands and knees. ‘Me good coat is ruined. I’m getting outa here. Come on if you’re coming!’ I croaked, tearing meself up off the floor.

  Then I saw her lift her head and glance down the passage, smiling as she made to turn away from me. I looked, following the direction of her eyes, seeing the monk coming towards us.

  ‘Ladies! Ladies! Why are you not down in therapy?’ he sang, giving the pair of us a big sexy smile, showing his dimples.

  I whirled around, looking at Blondie. ‘Oh, Brother!’ she gasped, sucking in her stomach and heaving out her chest. I eyed her staggering over on the big high heels, sliding the arse from left to right. ‘We’re just going down for coffee. Are you coming down too?’ she breathed, grabbing his arm and sliding her chest to lean up against him.

  ‘Yes! Come,’ he said, waving his head at me, then taking off down the stairs with her.

  ‘No! Can’t,’ I said. ‘I have to go and collect my car.’

  ‘Oh!’ he said, turning around to look at me. ‘You are going home. Now?’

  ‘Yeah!’ I said, looking at him, seeing him thinking.

  ‘Hmm! You would like company?’

  ‘What? I can’t go out!’ Blondie puffed, letting her eyes hang out on stalks, worried she might miss out on something.

  ‘Well, I’m going now,’ I said, not really interested in him tagging along. I wanted to go on me own.

  ‘Of course! Please yourself,’ he said, shrugging his shoulders with the eyes closing as he dismissed me with a wave of his open palms. Then he said slowly, resting his eyes on me, ‘I am off duty this afternoon.’

  ‘But I’m not allowed out!’ Blondie roared.

  ‘Look, I’m coming straight back, Blondie! Jaysus! I’m only going to collect me car!’ Then I pushed past them, saying, ‘See you later. If I go now, I’ll be home . . . Back here before lunch. Bye!’ I waved, seeing Blondie’s face light up and break out into a huge grin, delighted she was getting him all to herself.

  ‘No, wait! One minute, please!’ I heard the monk shout after me.

  I looked back to see him coming down the stairs. ‘Come,’ he said, putting his hand lightly on my elbow, guiding me down the stairs.

  ‘What is it?’ I said, looking at him, seeing him smiling at me.

  ‘We will talk downstairs.’

  Blondie came rushing down after us and stood beside him.

  ‘I will meet you for coffee. Wait for me, please,’ he sa
id, smiling to Blondie, then guided me towards the entrance door.

  I looked back, seeing her hesitate, then take off, wondering what this is all about.

  ‘Friday evening, I am going to visit my friend. Would you like to come with me?’ he said. ‘Or maybe you have made other arrangements? You have a car, I need.’ He waved his hand, shrugging his shoulders, giving me a huge grin. ‘You will eat! My friend will cook!’ He shrugged, pulling down his face, still smiling.

  I looked at him, wondering why he was asking me. ‘Why?’ I suddenly said.

  ‘What is why? You amuse me!’ he said. ‘You have a car! Maybe this is not good? OK! There is not a problem.’ Then he waved at me, taking off.

  ‘Hang on! Yeah, OK, that will be nice,’ I said, shouting to his back.

  ‘Good! We will leave some time after six,’ he said, turning back to give me a big grin and a wave.

  I took off out the door, feeling very happy with myself. Oh, brilliant! Date with the monk! Right! I better hurry to catch a bus, I thought, steaming out the gates, not wanting to miss me dinner.

  ‘Right! Here you are,’ I muttered to meself, humming it out in a tune. I could feel me heart keeping time as I pushed open the gate of my house, then stopped, sweeping me eyes around, taking everything in. I eyed the grass; it was in need of a bit of work! The weeds were everywhere, with long scutch grass. It was the month for growth – early April. My eyes scanned the house, looking up at the windows, then down to the porch doors. It looked neglected, lifeless and lonely. Like it was waiting for me to come back. I’ll have my work cut out for me, getting this place back into shape.

  The windows need cleaning. I’ll have to wash the curtains and throw open the windows. Polish and dust the rooms and leave open all the doors, letting in the light and air.

  I stayed where I was, staring at the house. I was seeing a ghost of myself. The one who was dragged out of here half-dead. She soared across my vision, deep within my inner eye as I stared. She was very grey, she didn’t belong to the living at all. Fear swept through me, and I hurried up to the porch, opening the door, and grabbed the post. Then I locked the door quickly, desperate to get away.

  I’m not ready to face it back here yet, I thought, still feeling I was on shaky ground. Yeah! It’s natural, Martha, I puffed, wanting to shake off that old feeling of how I used to be. Still am sometimes, I thought. Oh, don’t start! Relax. This is your home, Sugar plum. ‘Home sweet home!’ I hummed, heading into the garage.

  I opened the doors, letting in the light from the early spring. April. The start of new life. Suddenly! With the familiar scent flowing in from the trees and shrubs outside, I walked out, listening to the birds screaming to each other, busy building their nests. I took in a deep breath, smelling the warm, fresh spring air, and felt the vibrations of new life swarming into being.

  Memories of happier days, being young and full of life. Tearing into the garage and out of the car, slamming the doors shut behind us. Me and Sarah. The last journey before getting ready to go off to the Continent. Or a night out with friends, or just rushing in to cook a meal and sit down to watch TV with Sarah. That smell, and the sound of the birds, brought the memories rushing back.

  I felt my heart lifting and my mind clear. I’ll be OK! I’m in the driving seat now. I’m not dependent on anyone. I’m getting out of that place soon. I’m just about ready. Yes, yes, I bloody am! Suddenly I could feel me old self coming back to life. Oh, yes. Oh, indeed, very yes!

  I jumped into the car, switching on the engine. Come on, you beauty! Start up! I don’t want to miss me dinner. I sped off to the hospital, feeling carefree. All me worries seemed to fly out the window, leaving me light and airy. Oh, have wheels will fly! Definitely. Now I can be in and out of the hospital like a blue-arse fly. Just rushing back to get my meals handed to me. It will be like living in a hotel! Yeah! Until they put their boot under me arse, sending me flying out the door.

  51

  * * *

  I stood admiring myself in the mirror, wearing a lovely red-wool skirt with a French grey-silk striped blouse, with an emerald brooch pinned into the top buttons. A black, silver-buckled belt snuggled around my waist, and my feet were beautifully shod with a pair of black-patent four-inch high heels and black stockings. Ohh! Don’t I look lovely? I put on the fox-fur jacket I’d rescued from the St Vincent de Paul when a friend was going to get rid of it. I flicked my shiny long hair off my face, grabbing hold of it and lifting, letting it drop down around my shoulders. I had to spend the night in spiky hair rollers, crucifying myself to get these curls! God! I hope I look a million dollars, because I’m thinking I do! So, with the extra four-inch heels, and the head grown another four inches, I’m ready for anything.

  I staggered off on my high heels, trying to get into a rhythm and not break my neck. I made it down the corridor and turned back, heading back up the stairs again after forgetting to tell the nurses I’m off for the weekend.

  I put my head into the office. ‘I’m off now, Nurse,’ I said to the blondie nurse with the hair curling around her shoulders. A young doctor sat keeping her company, and I was delighted to see his eyes light up at the sight of the lovely me.

  ‘Hi, Doctor!’ I mewled, waving a limp hand at him, flirting.

  ‘Where are you off to?’ he said, with a bit of longing in his lovely grey eyes, looking like he wished he was off somewhere too. He had dark-brown curly hair and lovely white skin.

  ‘I’m off out to meet a couple of nuns and say a few decades of the rosary!’ I said, lowering my eyelashes thick with mascara at him, hoping I looked demure.

  ‘Like hell you are! Not dressed like that! Are you not taking me with you?’ he asked, looking very woebegone.

  I looked at the nurse, and the grin disappeared clean off her face, and she snapped, ‘I expect you back tonight on time!’

  ‘Ah, ah! The doctor says I can go wild for the weekend. Obviously no one told you that.’

  ‘Well, be back when you’re supposed to be back and not after!’ she snorted.

  I roared laughing, looking at the doctor rolling his eyes and turning to the nurse saying, ‘Right, Mammy! We’ll call you every hour! Just to let you know we’re OK.’ Then he jumped out of the box and came rushing around to give me his arm, heading me towards the stairs.

  ‘Don’t be such an eegit!’ the nurse roared, losing her rag altogether at the thought of losing the doctor. She’s been chasing him night and day for months. All I ever heard her say was, ‘When’s Dr O’Reilly on duty? Did you see Dr O’Reilly? I think he’s gorgeous!’ she’d gush, sitting and moping, pining for him to turn up.

  ‘I’d better get a move on,’ I said, taking my arm back and heading carefully down the stairs, not wanting to make that nurse’s day by tumbling the length of them, then ending up splattered, with me head twisted in the wrong direction, showing a terrible look of surprise and shock written on me poor frozen face. Yeah! And the smile still plastered to it. And why? All because I lost the run a meself! That’s why. What with the monk on one side asking me out, and the doctor throwing me the eye on the other! Well, Jaysus! I must be really gorgeous and sexy altogether! No, Martha. You’re not Marilyn Monroe! Forget about wagging the arse down these stairs. ‘Take it easy,’ I puffed, watching me hand turning white with the death-lock grip these banisters are getting.

  ‘Have a lovely weekend!’ he roared after me.

  ‘Thanks, Doctor, I will. Bye, Nurse.’

  ‘See you,’ she muttered.

  I headed off out the entrance door, seeing Baldy the receptionist giving me sour looks. She didn’t approve of patients going off gallivanting for the weekend, enjoying themselves, while she’s still stuck behind the desk, married to her job. ‘Do you have a pass?’ she roared after me.

  ‘Yes! Check with the ward nurse on duty,’ I said imperiously, then galloped off on my high heels, getting used to them now.

  I sat into my car and turned on the engine, then rolled a cigarette, feeling a great sur
ge of contentment flooding through me. Yeah! I’m on the move again. The future is looking very rosy, I thought, as I drove down the avenue, turning out the gate. There’s Sergei. He was walking up and down, his hands in his pockets.

  I pulled up beside him. ‘Hi, Sergei!’

  ‘You kept me waiting!’ he growled. ‘You are twenty minutes late.’

  He got into the car, huffing and puffing, then started again. ‘I am always on time. I do not keep people waiting. Time is very important. This is not good.’

  ‘Sorry, Sergei. But I didn’t wake up looking like this! Twenty minutes late is not bad considering all the beautification I gave meself! You look nice too,’ I said, seeing his lovely black Italian-leather jacket and the white-silk open-neck shirt.

  He sighed, shaking his head, giving me a smile without opening his mouth. Then he tossed the back of my hair and aimed his hand, saying, ‘Drive! The evening will be over!’

  ‘OK! Where to?’

  ‘First, I wish to visit the docks. A ship is there, and the captain is my friend. I know him from home. We are neighbours.’

  ‘OK,’ I said, heading off to the docks.

  ‘We’re here!’ I switched off the engine, looking up at the huge ship.

  Sergei jumped out, saying, ‘You will come with me to meet my friend?’

  ‘No! I am not going onto that ship,’ I said, looking at it, remembering the talk about women who went on ships looking for sailors to sell themselves to. Half-remembered memories of my mother doing one such thing. I shook my head firmly. ‘No, you go on. I’ll wait here.’

  ‘But why? This is nonsense! You must come and meet my friend.’

  ‘No, thank you, Sergei! I don’t like ships.’

  He went off, and I sat, lighting up a cigarette, watching him go up the gangplank.

  Time passed, and still no sign of him. I was about to start the engine, taking off and leaving him there, when he came strolling across cool as a breeze, no hurry on him. He was carrying two bottles of vodka, one under each arm like a pair of babies. He grinned at me and threw himself into the car.