Signs of Life

by Melanie Hansen

  “Why?” Kai asked, and there was no censure in his voice, just curiosity.

  “I can’t put myself through that again. I won’t,” Jeremy said. “I barely survived losing my husband, my baby. I’m dead inside, Kai. I like you, and I want to have sex with you, but I don’t want to be your boyfriend. I just want you to understand that up front. No strings, no commitment.”

  “Message received loud and clear.” Kai leaned up and kissed Jeremy lightly. “I’ll see you later. Thanks for dinner.”

  “Kai—” Jeremy began, then shook his head. “I’m sorry. I wish I had more to give, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

  “I appreciate that,” Kai said, then swung the door open and stepped out into the cold, rainy night. Jeremy watched as he got into his Jeep, backed slowly down the drive, and drove away.

  “YOU’D THINK he could have shared that little tidbit of info with you before he let you suck his dick,” Loren said caustically, looking up at Kai from his sprawl on Kai’s couch. It was a couple of days since the evening at Jeremy’s house, and this was the first time he’d been able to pin Loren down to talk about it.

  He handed Loren a freshly opened beer and then plopped down beside him, taking a huge slug of his own.

  “Honestly I think the whole evening took him by total surprise, from issuing the dinner invitation in the first place to the sex. I don’t think he’d planned it, Loren, in order to spring his ‘conditions’ on me after he got his rocks off at least once.”

  “You’re nicer than I am, Kai. I’d have told him to get bent.” Loren drank some beer and then grabbed the TV remote, flipping on the TV and mindlessly scrolling through the channels so fast it made Kai dizzy.

  “No, you wouldn’t have,” Kai retorted. “Jesus, the dude has suffered almost unimaginable loss. You can’t blame him for being closed off, cautious of letting anyone get close to him again.”

  “He treated you like shit at the club, and what he did the other night wasn’t a whole lot better, Kai. Handing you your clothes and pushing you out the door like a john who was getting rid of a trick. Don’t let him use his loss as an excuse to be an asshole.”

  “Would you turn that shit off?” Kai wrestled the remote away from Loren and clicked off the TV, throwing the remote into the chair the farthest away, knowing Loren was too comfortable and lazy to get up and go after it. “I want to talk to you about this!”

  “The more you tell me, the more I want to go kick the dude’s ass,” Loren grumbled, but sipped his beer and looked at Kai expectantly. “So talk.”

  Kai took a sip of his own beer, marshaling his thoughts. “He told me that the night at the club was the first sex he’d had since his husband died. When did we go, about two and a half, three months ago?”

  “Something like that.”

  “And he said his husband died more than two years ago. I’m the first one he’s even tried with since he lost his husband.”

  “You think that makes me feel any better?” Loren asked. “To know you’re basically his rebound, his stepping stone from ‘unimaginable loss,’ as you said, back to the wild and wonderful world of dating and sex?”

  “He’s got to start somewhere, Loren,” Kai said quietly. “You know I’m tough, and resilient, and obviously now I know the score. I think I can be good for him, and I won’t let him hurt me.”

  Loren set his beer down on the coffee table and took Kai’s from his hand, putting it down next to his. “I know this will fall on deaf ears because you really can’t seem to help yourself, but you don’t have to save the world, Kai. You don’t have to be his little experiment boy.”

  Kai sighed and leaned his head on Loren’s shoulder. “It’s not just that. I really like him, Loren. I don’t know why, exactly, but I do.”

  “I know why. Because you want to fuck him,” Loren said.

  Kai didn’t answer, and Loren heaved a sigh of his own. “Okay, have fun with that. Get laid, have a great time. But if he breaks your heart, so help me, I’ll break his goddamn face.”

  Loren’s voice was fierce, deadly serious, and affection for him clogged Kai’s throat for a minute, making his own voice hoarse as he replied, “I know you will, man.” A short silence fell and then Kai asked, “Don’t you ever get tired of putting my broken pieces back together?”

  Loren put an arm around him and hugged him close, kissing the top of his head. “Never,” he vowed in a whisper, then shoved Kai away and lunged for the remote, laughing at Kai’s curses, both of them letting the emotional tension relax into the comfort of easy friendship.

  Loren found a show he wanted to watch, and Kai curled up next to him on the couch, grading test papers and worksheets. When he pulled out his laptop to enter the grades in the students’ records, he noticed with a start Shauna hadn’t turned in the last two assignments. It wasn’t like her, and Kai vowed to pin her down the next time he saw her. Which reminded him of something.

  He stuck out his foot and kicked Loren in the shin. “What?” he grunted.

  “I’m starting the self-defense class at school next week,” Kai said. “You told me you’d talk to a couple of the female officers about helping out.”

  When he’d approached the assistant principal a few weeks ago with the idea for the class, Dave was enthusiastic. “It’s a good idea, Kai. Are you thinking of opening it to students or just keep it faculty?”

  Kai thought of Shauna, and wondered how many other female students were in abusive relationships, or had abusive men in their lives.

  “I think I’d open it to all,” he had said.

  “Then work up a permission slip for the underage kids, and I’ll spread the word. But Kai, it needs to be female-on-female sparring partners or demo partners. Especially if you want to do this on school grounds. We can’t take the chance of anyone accusing—”

  “I get it,” Kai had said hastily. “I have a couple of women in my Krav Maga class I can ask to help out, plus I can get Loren to ask around at work for volunteers.”

  Dave nodded, satisfied, and Kai went to talk to the facilities manager about using the gym for an hour one day a week.

  Loren stretched, arching his back. “Yeah, I talked to them,” he mumbled, half-asleep. “Just remind me of the day and time again later, okay?”

  It was all falling into place, and Kai had five women from the faculty and six female students signed up, permission slips turned in. A couple of male students had approached him as well about joining, and Kai regretfully told them the class wouldn’t be made coed at this point. The boys were disappointed and Kai felt bad, but he knew from experience, with Elise especially, some of the women would feel more at ease with fewer males around—the fewer the better. Kai would be teaching the class, of course, and Loren agreed to be his demo partner for the first few sessions. After the basic moves were mastered, Elise would then take over those duties in order to demonstrate clearly a woman could defend herself against a man who was bigger and stronger than she was.

  Loren sat up and stretched again, yawning so wide Kai heard his jaw crack. “Gotta get going. Thanks for the beer.” He grabbed his jacket from where it was tossed over the back of a nearby chair, pulling it on as Kai walked him to the door.

  “See you Saturday,” Kai said.

  “Weather’s supposed to be shitty,” Loren warned, rooting in his pocket for his car keys.

  “Yeah, I know,” Kai replied. “I need to talk to Jeremy about that, see if he’s ready for the boys to move over to his office to do the inside work. This should probably be our last outdoor session.”

  Loren grunted agreement, leaned over, and pecked Kai on the lips, then was out the door.

  Kai picked up the empty beer bottles and put them in the recycle bin, then looked at his watch. It was only 9:00 p.m., and on impulse he picked up the phone and dialed Jeremy’s number.

  “Hey, Kai,” Jeremy answered after a couple of rings, his voice warm and welcoming.

  “Hey.” Kai couldn’t keep the smile from hi
s face. “Got a minute?”

  At Jeremy’s assent, he explained the situation with the weather, and Jeremy said, “Yeah, I’ve talked to my general contractor, and we’re almost good to go on the interior of the office. I need to go out and buy some of the supplies this week, but believe me there will be plenty to keep the boys busy for a long time. The wallpaper stripping alone will take weeks.”

  “Good,” Kai said with satisfaction. “I don’t think they have fifty hours accrued yet, even with some of the other stuff that Liliana has set them up with. It’s not easy to find businesses that will take four punk kids as a community service project, and any outdoor stuff is gonna fall by the wayside with the weather going downhill.”

  “They’ve done a good job at the cabin,” Jeremy murmured. “I’ve watched you, and you’re good with them, good about getting them to do stuff they don’t want to do.”

  “It’s not me as much as it is Loren,” Kai said drily. “They’re afraid of the POPO. And he likes it that way.” He chuckled.

  There was a short silence, and then Jeremy asked, “Are you lovers?”

  Kai was taken aback. “Uh—”

  “Kai, I’m sorry,” Jeremy said ruefully. “It’s not my business. I told you no strings, and obviously that doesn’t mean I expect any sort of exclusivity. Forget I asked.”

  “No, it’s okay,” Kai said. “Loren is my best friend, and yes, we sleep together occasionally. It’s never been serious between us.” Kai took a deep breath. “He’s not out, not at work or in his personal life, so it never can be. I won’t go back into the closet for anyone, not even him.”

  “Would you be with him if he were out, then?” Jeremy asked.

  “Maybe. I don’t know,” Kai said honestly. “We’ve been through some shit together, and I love him, but there’s a lot that wouldn’t work between us.”

  Jeremy didn’t say anything else, and Kai took a chance, saying huskily, “All I can think about these days anyway is you.”

  Jeremy’s breath caught, and then he whispered, “Same.”

  Kai smiled in satisfaction, murmuring, “Okay, I need to go and finish up some grading, but I’ll see you Saturday. We probably won’t be there all that long, but we’ll do what we can.”

  They hung up, Kai enjoying the reluctance in Jeremy’s voice at saying good-bye, feeling warmth spread through him. He tried to tamp it down, but he couldn’t deny he was looking forward to Saturday more than he’d looked forward to anything in a long time.

  Chapter 10

  LUCKILY THE week flew by. Kai’s science class was going to start a unit that involved dissecting frogs, and since there was no way in hell he would give scalpels to those kids, he enlisted Shauna’s help. The day before the lesson, she spent two hours after school painstakingly cutting open each formaldehyde-soaked frog and removing its organs, laying them carefully next to the body so the kids could study them the next day. It wasn’t 100 percent ideal in terms of learning the in situ anatomy of the frog, but it was better than nothing.

  Kai sat at his desk and graded papers, laughing at Shauna’s occasional exclamations of disgust and teasing her with “Some nurse you’ll be if you get grossed out by frog guts!”

  She threw him such a dirty look he pretended to brush dust off his shoulders, making her grin, the smile lighting up her face. Kai was gratified to see it. Shauna had been very subdued lately, and he was worried. She turned in her missing papers, saying Dante had been sick and she hadn’t had time to do them before they were due. Kai suspected sadly she was killing herself trying to make sure an ill, miserable Dante didn’t cry and disturb that asshole she and her mother were living with.

  The frog lesson went well, all of the kids engaged in learning for once, and Kai enjoyed the banter and enthusiasm they showed even as they pretended to gag and throw frog hearts at each other.

  Then that Wednesday night was his first after-school self-defense class. Loren arrived with four off-duty female cops, and Kai had enlisted three of his female Krav Maga students, including Elise. All of the women and girls who initially signed up for the class were in attendance except for Shauna, the one Kai worried needed it most. She’d told him her mama got called in to work early, and there was no one to watch Dante.

  The group sat around in a circle, and Kai talked to them about the principles of self-defense: incapacitate and escape. He and Loren demonstrated a few of the moves, then he and Elise did, and the women were all wide-eyed with wonder. One of the off-duty cops took them through a series of stretching and calisthenics to get them warmed up, and then the rest of the hour flew by as they started learning the first basic moves. Everyone was exhausted, sweaty, and sore when they were done, but they were chattering excitedly amongst themselves as they gathered their things in preparation for leaving, and all of the women assured Kai they would be back the next week.

  He and Loren high-fived each other, grinned, and said their good-byes. Kai made sure everything was cleaned up and the facilities staff knew they were done with the room before heading out to his Jeep and home.

  When he checked his mail, there was a white envelope from the lab his health insurance used for testing, and after he opened it and looked at the results, he impulsively texted Jeremy, Labs came back, all clear!

  A few minutes went by and then his phone chimed with the response, Good. You won’t be able to walk on Sunday, hope you know that.

  ON SATURDAY morning they met the boys at the school as usual about 8:30 a.m. The rain was coming down in sheets, the wind blowing. They loaded up the van and headed out to Jeremy’s, but Kai didn’t have any clue what they would do once they got there. No way could they work outside in these conditions, but he didn’t want to just not show up without making some effort. Loren drove slowly and cautiously, and when they pulled up in Jeremy’s driveway, he shut the engine off and they all just sat there for a few minutes, staring dispiritedly out at the driving rain. To their credit none of the boys made verbal complaints, knowing they would fall on deaf ears. They’d learned to suck it up and deal.

  Suddenly one of the boys pointed out the windshield. “Hey, there’s Mr. Speer. He’s waving at us.”

  Kai peered through the windshield again and saw Jeremy was indeed beckoning to them from the shelter of his porch. The group of them piled out of the van and, slipping and sliding in the wet leaves and mud, made their way over to him. He had the front door standing open behind him, and the interior of the cabin glowed with light, warm and inviting.

  “Come in,” Jeremy said. “I have an alternative for everyone today.” The boys, at Loren’s direction, kicked off their wet and muddy shoes, leaving them just outside the front door. Dripping jackets and sweatshirts were hung on the coatrack, and then the group of them stood in awed silence, looking up at the vaulted ceilings of the cabin, taking in the oversized leather furniture, the huge flat-screen TV that was mounted on the wall.

  “Wow,” Luke whispered. “This looks like something out of a magazine.”

  Jeremy gave him a slight smile, then turned and led them up the wide staircase to the second floor, where he motioned them into one of the bedrooms. It was empty of furniture, with drop cloths spread over the floor, outlet and light switch plates removed, and painters’ tape covering the edges and molding. Large cans of paint, brushes, rollers, and every sort of painting utensil Kai could think of was in a neat pile in the middle of the good-sized room.

  “I need this room and two other bedrooms about this size painted. Primer first, then paint. Take care not to slop it on the molding or doorframes, okay? I know accidents happen but I think you all can do a good job.”

  Kai felt warmth spread through him as he looked around at the beautifully painted room. He’d eat his wet socks if Jeremy really needed these rooms redone, but the fact he had made sure the boys had busywork for this cold and rainy day so they wouldn’t lose their opportunity for hours—

  Jeremy picked up a stack of coveralls that were draped over a stepstool and handed them to Lore
n. “I figured the boys shouldn’t ruin their clothes with paint; it doesn’t wash out as easily as mud.” Unspoken was the acknowledgment that these kids’ wardrobes probably weren’t all that plentiful to begin with, and Jeremy continued, “They can keep these and use them when we move over to the other building.”

  He showed everyone where the hall bathroom was, and then said, “I’ve closed the doors to my bedroom and my study downstairs. Those rooms are off-limits. Other than that feel free to go down to the kitchen and get a drink, and when it’s time for lunch, I’ll have a platter of sandwiches and some chips ready. I expect you all to work hard and I want a good report from Mr. Daniels and Officer Smith at the end of the day.”

  Jeremy smiled and headed off downstairs, and the boys started chattering excitedly and with relief at not having to work outside. Loren handed out the coveralls and had everyone start pulling them on over their clothes, then set to work prying open cans of paint and giving general painting instructions.

  Kai motioned toward the stairs, indicating his desire to go talk to Jeremy, and Loren rolled his eyes and nodded with a smirk. Kai flipped him off discreetly and followed Jeremy down the stairs, finding him in the kitchen stacking bottles of water in the fridge.

  “Thank you,” Kai said quietly, leaning his hip against the counter, his arms casually folded. Jeremy finished with the water and turned to face Kai, mirroring his pose.

  “You’re welcome,” he said, his lips quirked up in a half smile. “I know how important it is that the boys get their hours, and I’m not ready to start them over at the other place for a while. If the weather is still shitty next Saturday, they can clean out the attic for me. I haven’t wanted to tackle that yet, and there’s a lot of dirt and old birds’ nests up there, squirrel droppings.”