The Art of Happiness

by Dalai Lama

  ‘So, even though under rare circumstances some kinds of anger can be positive, generally speaking, anger leads to ill feeling and hatred. And, as far as hatred is concerned, it is never positive. It has no benefit at all. It is always totally negative.

  ‘We cannot overcome anger and hatred simply by suppressing them. We need to actively cultivate the antidotes to hatred: patience and tolerance. Following the model that we spoke of earlier, in order for you to be able to successfully cultivate patience and tolerance you need to generate enthusiasm, a strong desire to seek it. The stronger your enthusiasm, the greater your ability to withstand the hardships that you encounter in the process. When you are engaged in the practice of patience and tolerance, in reality, what is happening is you are engaged in a combat with hatred and anger. Since it is a situation of combat, you seek victory – but you also have to be prepared for the possibility of losing that battle. So while you are engaged in combat, you should not lose sight of the fact that in the process, you will confront many problems. You should have the ability to withstand these hardships. Someone who gains victory over hatred and anger through such an arduous process is a true hero.

  ‘It is with this in mind that we generate this strong enthusiasm. Enthusiasm results from learning about and reflecting upon the beneficial effects of tolerance and patience, and the destructive and negative effects of anger and hatred. And that very act, that very realization in itself, will create an affinity towards feelings of tolerance and patience and make you feel more cautious and wary of angry and hateful thoughts. Usually, we don’t bother much about anger or hatred, so it just comes. But once we develop a cautious attitude towards these emotions, that reluctant attitude itself can act as a preventative measure against anger or hatred.

  ‘The destructive effects of hatred are very visible, very obvious and immediate. For example, when a very strong or forceful thought of hatred arises within you, at that very instant, it totally overwhelms you and destroys your peace of mind; your presence of mind disappears completely. When such intense anger and hatred arises, it obliterates the best part of our brain, which is the ability to judge between right and wrong, and the long-term and short-term consequences of our actions. Our power of judgment becomes totally inoperable. It can no longer function. It is almost like you have become insane. So, this anger and hatred tends to throw you into a state of confusion, which just serves to make your problems and difficulties so much worse.

  ‘Even at the physical level, hatred brings about a very ugly, unpleasant physical transformation of the individual. At the very instant when strong feelings of anger or hatred arise, no matter how hard the person tries to pretend or adopt a dignified pose, it is very obvious that the person’s face looks contorted and ugly. There is a very unpleasant expression, and the person gives out a very hostile vibration. Other people can sense it. It is almost as if they can feel steam coming out of that person’s body. So much so, that not only are human beings capable of sensing it, but even animals, pets, would try to avoid that person at that instant. Also, when a person harbors hateful thoughts, they tend to collect inside the person, and this can cause things like loss of appetite, loss of sleep, and certainly make the person feel more tense and uptight.

  ‘For reasons such as these, hatred is compared to an enemy. This internal enemy, this inner enemy, has no other function than causing us harm. It is our true enemy, our ultimate enemy. It has no other function than simply destroying us, both in the immediate term and in the long term.

  ‘This is very different from an ordinary enemy. Although an ordinary enemy, a person whom we regard as an enemy, may engage in activities that are harmful to us, at least he or she has other functions; that person has got to eat, and that person has got to sleep. So he or she has many other functions, and therefore cannot devote twenty-four hours a day of his or her existence to this project of destroying us. On the other hand, hatred has no other function, no other purpose, than destroying us. So, by realizing this fact, we should resolve that we will never give an opportunity for this enemy, hatred, to arise within us.’

  ‘In dealing with anger, what do you think about some of the methods of Western psychotherapy, which encourage expressing one’s anger?’

  ‘Here, I think we have to understand that there may be different situations,’ the Dalai Lama explained. ‘In some cases, people harbor strong feelings of anger and hurt based on something done to them in the past, an abuse or whatever, and that feeling is kept bottled up. There is a Tibetan expression that says that if there is any sickness in the conch shell, you can clear it by blowing it out. In other words, if anything is blocking the conch shell, just blow it out, and it will be clear. So similarly here, it is possible to imagine a situation in which due to the bottling up of certain emotions, or certain feelings of anger, it may be better to just let it out and express it.

  ‘However, I believe that generally speaking, anger and hatred are the type of emotions which, if you leave them unchecked or unattended, tend to aggravate and keep on increasing. If you simply get more and more used to letting them happen and just keep expressing them, this usually results in their growth, not their reduction. So, I feel that the more you adopt a cautious attitude and actively try to reduce the level of their force, the better it is.’

  ‘So, if you feel that expressing or releasing our anger isn’t the answer, then what is?’ I inquired.

  ‘Now, first of all, feelings of anger and hatred arise from a mind that is troubled by dissatisfaction and discontent. So, you can prepare ahead of time by constantly working toward building inner contentment and cultivating kindness and compassion. This brings about a certain calmness of mind that can help prevent anger from arising in the first place. And then when a situation does arise that makes you angry, you should directly confront your anger and analyze it. Investigate what factors have given rise to that particular instance of anger or hatred. Then, analyze further, seeing whether it is an appropriate response and especially whether it is constructive or destructive. And you make an effort to exert a certain inner discipline and restraint, actively combating it by applying the antidotes: counteracting these negative emotions with thoughts of patience and tolerance.’

  The Dalai Lama paused, then with his customary pragmatism, added,

  ‘Of course, in working towards overcoming anger and hatred, at the initial stage you may still experience these negative emotions. But there are different levels – if it’s a mild degree of anger, then at that moment you can attempt to directly confront it and combat it. However, if it’s a very strong negative emotion that develops, then, at that moment, it might be very difficult to challenge or to face it. If that is the case, then at that moment it may be best to simply try to forget about it. Think of something else. Once your mind is a little bit calmed down, then you can analyze; you can reason.’ In other words, I reflected, he was saying, ‘Take a time out.’

  He went on. ‘In seeking to eliminate anger and hatred, the intentional cultivation of patience and tolerance is indispensable. You could conceive of the value and importance of patience and tolerance in these terms: insofar as the destructive effects of angry and hateful thoughts are concerned, you cannot get protection from these from wealth. Even if you are a millionaire, you are still subject to the destructive effects of anger and hatred. Nor can education alone give you a guarantee that you will be protected from these effects. Similarly, the law cannot give you such guarantees or protection. Even nuclear weapons, no matter how sophisticated the defense system may be, cannot give you the protection or defense from these effects . . .’

  The Dalai Lama paused to gather momentum, then concluded in a clear, firm voice, ‘The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience.’

  Once again, the Dalai Lama’s traditional wisdom is completely consistent with the scientific data. Dr. Dolf Zillmann at the University of Alabama has conducted experiments
demonstrating that angry thoughts tend to create a state of physiological arousal that makes us even more prone to anger. Anger builds on anger, and as our state of arousal increases, we are more easily triggered by anger-provoking environmental stimuli.

  If left unchecked, anger tends to escalate. So, how do we go about diffusing our anger? As the Dalai Lama suggests, giving vent to anger and rage has very limited benefits. The therapeutic expression of anger as a means of catharsis seems to have originated from Freud’s theories of emotion which he saw as operating on a hydraulic model: when pressure builds, it must be released. The idea of getting rid of our anger by giving vent to it has some dramatic appeal, and in a way might even sound like fun, but the problem is that this method simply does not work. Many studies over the past four decades have consistently shown that the verbal and physical expression of our anger does nothing to dispel it and just makes things worse. Dr. Aaron Siegman, a psychologist and anger researcher at the University of Maryland, believes, for instance, that it is just this kind of repeated expression of anger and rage that triggers the internal arousal systems and biochemical responses that are most likely to cause damage to our arteries.

  While giving vent to our anger clearly isn’t the answer, neither is ignoring our anger or pretending it isn’t there. As we discussed in Part III, avoidance of our problems does not make them go away. So, what’s the best approach? Interestingly, the consensus among modern anger researchers such as Dr. Zillmann and Dr. Williams, is that methods similar to the Dalai Lama’s appear to be most effective. Since general stress lowers the threshold for what may trigger anger, the first step is preventative: cultivating an inner contentment and calmer states of mind, as recommended by the Dalai Lama, can definitely help. And when anger does occur, research has shown that actively challenging, logically analyzing, and reappraising the thoughts that trigger the anger can help dissipate it. There is also experimental evidence suggesting that the techniques that we discussed earlier, such as shifting perspective or looking at different angles of a situation, can also be very effective. Of course, these things are often easier to do at lower or moderate levels of anger, so practicing early intervention before thoughts of anger and hatred escalate can be an important factor.

  Because of their vast importance in overcoming anger and hatred, the Dalai Lama spoke in some detail on the meaning and value of patience and tolerance.

  ‘In our day-to-day life experiences, tolerance and patience have great benefits. For instance, developing them will allow us to sustain and maintain our presence of mind. So if an individual possesses this capacity of tolerance and patience, then, even in spite of living in a very tense environment, which is very frantic and stressful, so long as the person has tolerance and patience, the person’s calmness and peace of mind will not be disturbed.

  ‘Another benefit of responding to difficult situations with patience rather than giving in to anger is that you protect yourself from potential undesirable consequences that might come about if you reacted with anger. If you respond to situations with anger and hatred, not only does it not protect you from the injury or harm that has already been done to you – the injury and harm has already taken place – but on top of that, you create an additional cause for your own suffering in the future. However, if you respond to an injury with patience and tolerance, then although you may face temporary discomfort and hurt, you will still avoid the potentially dangerous long-term consequences. By sacrificing small things, by putting up with small problems or hardships, you will be able to forego experiences or sufferings which can be much more enormous in the future. To illustrate, if a convicted prisoner could save his life by sacrificing his arm as a punishment, wouldn’t that person feel grateful for the opportunity? By putting up with that pain and suffering of having an arm cut off, the person would be saving himself or herself from death, which is a greater suffering.’

  ‘To the Western mind,’ I observed, ‘patience and tolerance are certainly considered virtues, but when you are directly beset by others, when someone is actively harming you, responding with “patience and tolerance” seems to have a flavor of weakness, of passivity.’

  Shaking his head in disagreement, the Dalai Lama said, ‘Since patience or tolerance comes from an ability to remain firm and steadfast and not be overwhelmed by the adverse situations or conditions that one faces, one should not see tolerance or patience as a sign of weakness, or giving in, but rather as a sign of strength, coming from a deep ability to remain firm. Responding to a trying situation with patience and tolerance rather than reacting with anger and hatred involves active restraint, which comes from a strong, self-disciplined mind.

  ‘Of course, in discussing the concept of patience, as in most other things, there can be positive and negative kinds of patience. Impatience isn’t always bad. For instance, it can help you take action to get things done. Even in your daily chores, like cleaning your room, if you have too much patience, you might move too slowly and get little done. Or, impatience to gain world peace – that certainly can be positive. But in situations that are difficult and challenging, patience helps maintain your willpower and can sustain you.’

  Becoming increasingly animated as he moved more deeply into his investigation of the meaning of patience, the Dalai Lama added, ‘I think that there is a very close connection between humility and patience. Humility involves having the capacity to take a more confrontation stance, having the capacity to retaliate if you wish, yet deliberately deciding not to do so. That is what I would call genuine humility. I think that true tolerance or patience has a component or element of self-discipline and restraint – the realization that you could have acted otherwise, you could have adopted a more aggressive approach, but decided not to do so. On the other hand, being forced to adopt a certain passive response out of a feeling of helplessness or incapacitation – that I wouldn’t call genuine humility. That may be a kind of meekness, but it isn’t genuine tolerance.

  ‘Now when we talk about how we should develop tolerance towards those who harm us, we should not misunderstand this to mean that we should just meekly accept whatever is done against us’. The Dalai Lama paused, then laughed. ‘Rather, if necessary, the best, the wisest course, might be to simply run away – run miles away!’

  ‘You can’t always avoid being harmed by running away . . .’

  ‘Yes, that’s true,’ he replied. ‘Sometimes, you may encounter situations that require strong countermeasures. I believe, however, that you can take a strong stand and even take strong countermeasures out of a feeling of compassion, or a sense of concern for the other, rather than out of anger. One of the reasons why there is a need to adopt a very strong countermeasure against someone is that if you let it pass – whatever the harm or the crime that is being perpetrated against you – then there is a danger of that person habituating in a very negative way, which, in reality, will cause that individual’s own downfall, and is very destructive in the long run for the individual himself or herself. Therefore a strong countermeasure is necessary, but with this thought in mind, you can do it out of compassion and concern for that individual. For example, so far as our own dealings with China are concerned, even if there is a likelihood of some feeling of hatred arising, we deliberately check ourselves and try to reduce that, we try to consciously develop a feeling of compassion towards the Chinese. And I think that countermeasures can ultimately be more effective without feelings of anger and hatred.

  ‘Now, we’ve explored methods of developing patience and tolerance and letting go of anger and hatred, methods such as using reasoning to analyze the situation, adopting a wider perspective and looking at other angles of a situation. An end result, or a product of patience and tolerance is forgiveness. When you are truly patient and tolerant, then forgiveness comes naturally.

  ‘Although you may have experienced many negative events in the past, with the development of patience and tolerance it is possible to let go of your sense of anger and resentment. If you analyz
e the situation, you’ll realize that the past is past, so there is no use continuing to feel anger and hatred, which do not change the situation, but just cause a disturbance within your mind and cause your continued unhappiness. Of course, you may still remember the events. Forgetting and forgiving are two different things. There’s nothing wrong with simply remembering those negative events; if you have a sharp mind, you’ll always remember.’ He laughed. ‘I think the Buddha remembered everything. But with the development of patience and tolerance, it’s possible to let go of the negative feelings associated with the events.’

  Meditations on Anger

  In many of these discussions, the Dalai Lama’s primary method of overcoming anger and hatred involved the use of reasoning and analysis to investigate the causes of anger, to combat these harmful mental states through understanding. In a sense, this approach can be seen as using logic to neutralize anger and hatred and to cultivate the antidotes of patience and tolerance. But that wasn’t his only technique. In his public talks he supplemented his discussion by presenting instruction on these two simple yet effective meditations to help overcome anger.

  Meditation on Anger: Exercise 1

  ‘Let us imagine a scenario in which someone who you know very well, someone who is close or dear to you, is in a situation in which he or she loses his or her temper. You can imagine this occurring either in a very acrimonious relationship or in a situation in which something personally upsetting is happening. The person is so angry that he or she has lost all his or her mental composure, creating very negative vibrations, even going to the extent of beating himself or herself up or breaking things.