The Stranger City Caper
Page 9
He said I think the CIA handles the whole business.
Moose said them unions is getting into everything.
Suddenly a bouncy bubbly man came dashing onto the stage.
He was followed by a group of big fellows that fanned out to take positions at pianos and organs and drums and several stringed instruments.
The bouncy bubbly man yelled hey let’s hear it for Jesus.
A great roar went up.
He hollered my name is Biff Digby and I am God’s anointed minstrel.
Another great roar went up.
Biff Digby hollered let’s sing one for Jesus.
He led the crowd in singing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.”
Following several “Jolly Good Fellows” Biff Digby had the crowd stand and sing “Precious Memories” and “Jesus on the Mainline.”
A collection was taken up for the Bobby Crackers Society for Stamping Out Sin and Gin and Other Evils Too Numerous To Mention.
I threw a dollar into the basket and so did Moose.
Rube didn’t contribute.
Biff Digby ordered us to turn and shake hands with the persons seated behind us.
I shook hands with Doctor Burnham and Rube shook hands with Cemetery Carson.
Moose grabbed the hand of a man who was eating a black walnut ice cream cone.
It was a very squishy handshake.
Moose muttered a few things about people who eat ice cream cones in church.
An usher came over and told Moose it was much too early to be speaking in tongues.
He mentioned that Moose could register for the tongues-speaking contest if he so desired.
Biff Digby introduced Yukon the Saved and Sanctified Seal and his Golden Gospel Fluegelhorn.
Yukon came flopping onto the stage.
Moose said hey Rube I bet he was easy to baptize.
Yukon devoured a bushel of fish and climbed a short ladder to which was attached a fluegelhorn.
He took a whack at “The Hallelujah Chorus” and he followed that with “If I Could Hear My Mother Pray Again.”
As the notes of the fluegelhorn died away I said Rube there isn’t a dry handkerchief left in the house.
Rube said yeah I think Moose borrowed them all to get that ice cream off his hands.
A collection was taken up for the Bobby Crackers Society for the Preservation of That Good Old Time Religion.
Moose and I pitched in dollar bills.
Rube didn’t move a muscle.
During the taking of the collection Biff Digby told the congregation that Bobby Crackers would pray for anybody who had an ailment and fifty dollars.
He said that this offer did not include sexually impotent males.
Doctor Burnham leaned forward and said are any of you gentlemen impotent?
Moose said not me.
He said I’m Edwards.
Doctor Burnham said I have discovered a sure cure for impotency.
He said her name is Frieda Foster.
He said thirty bucks cheaper than Bobby Crackers.
An usher stopped by to tell Doctor Burnham that it was much too early to be speaking in tongues.
Biff Digby proclaimed that Georgie B. Belleau would sing “Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep.”
A robed choir hummed an introduction and a big man appeared.
His hair was hanging in his eyes and he kept trying to adjust his horn-rimmed spectacles.
I said it looks like Georgie B. Belleau is wearing his glasses upside down.
Doctor Burnham leaned forward and said I saw that very fellow come out of Frieda Foster’s place just half an hour ago.
Rube said he must of been in a hurry.
Doctor Burnham said yeah because he’s wearing Frieda’s wig.
Georgie B. Belleau cut loose with a basso profundo.
Within moments the tent was full of Ike Kelton’s cows.
While order was being restored two more collections were taken up.
Moose and I tossed half-dollars into each basket.
Rube yawned.
Now Biff Digby smiled broadly and said we have an extra-special treat for you good people of Stranger City.
He said it is with extreme pride that we present the Bobby Crackers Belly Dancers.
He said the girls are gonna shake it for Jesus.
The lights dimmed and three scantily attired fat women waddled out and began to shake it for Jesus.
Moose couldn’t get over the size of the crowd.
He said hey Rube I can’t get over the size of the crowd.
He said damn near everybody is here.
Rube said yep damn near everybody but God.
The Bobby Crackers Belly Dancers were warmly applauded.
Biff Digby said folks it just keeps getting better all the time.
He said with us tonight is the world’s foremost female gospel singer.
He said let’s have a great big hand for Sister Lucy Halfbright.
Sister Lucy Halfbright came swishing to the microphone.
She was a pale scrawny woman with the nose of a kingfisher and the fangs of a cornered mountain lion.
She wore a flowing blue robe with a pair of large white cardboard wings attached to the shoulders.
She carried a Bible in one hand and a parking violation ticket in the other.
She gave a lengthy talk about godlessness in the Powersville Police Department.
Then she mentioned that several Christians had been late for the six o’clock prayer wheel.
She said that God had told her that He had better things to do than just sit around waiting for tardy prayer wheel members to show up.
She said that she was about to favor the audience with a song of her own composing entitled “The Lord Lifted Me Up to a High and Holy Place from Which I Sit in Constant Righteous Judgment on My Sinful Neighbors.”
Rube said if the verse is half as long as the title eternity will be over afore she gets to the chorus.
The robed choir warbled a chord and Sister Lucy Halfbright rared back and let fly.
Several women’s hats flew off.
A few people broke out in rashes.
Half a dozen children went into convulsions.
Count Frazzlewitz began to howl brokenheartedly.
Moose said hey Rube is this Halfbright broad a contralto?
Rube said no she is a fartralto.
When Sister Lucy Halfbright was finished another collection was taken up.
Biff Digby announced that this collection was for the express purpose of transporting Sister Lucy Halfbright and her glorious message in song to sin-crushed Upper Maroovia.
The basket was passed.
Rube contributed forty-six dollars and eleven cents.
He threw in his pocketknife and his comb and three cigars.
He added his Zippo lighter and his Masonic ring and three sticks of spearmint chewing gum.
He topped his offering with an IOU for thirty-nine million dollars.
He looked at me.
He said son let me tell you a feller don’t get a chance like this every day.
Fifteen uniformed trumpeters stepped from behind the blue velvet backdrop.
They blew a fanfare that lasted ten minutes.
The great moment was upon us.
Bobby Crackers appeared.
An ear-busting wave of sound rocketed into the Stranger City night.
Fifteen women fainted on the spot and ushers restrained countless others who were attempting to disrobe.
Bobby Crackers was an angelically handsome man with wavy blonde hair and enormous innocent blue eyes.
He wore a hand-tailored suit of pale gold satin on which thousands of tiny blue crosses had been embroidered.
He smiled a capped-toothed smile.
He held up a pink-palmed hand and said peace be still.
The waves subsided.
Count Frazzlewitz growled low in his throat.
Bobby Crackers said can you say amen?
Bobby Crackers got right at it.
He said that Stranger City was on God’s hit list.
He said that Stranger City was steeped in sin and everybody in it was going to hell if they didn’t straighten out.
He said that there was too much drinking in Stranger City.
He said that whiskey was a killer.
Rube said well he’s sure right about that.
He said I had a uncle what tripped over a case of Old Rimrock and busted his neck.
An usher came along and told Rube it was much too early to be speaking in tongues.
Bobby Crackers said he knew of a Stranger City man who kept a bottle of whiskey hidden in his garage.
He said that this man’s neighbor was always sneaking over to steal drinks.
Instantly five separate fistfights broke out and the ushers were hard pressed to subdue the participants.
Bobby Crackers said that Stranger City was a hotbed of indiscriminate sexual activity.
He said he knew of a Stranger City woman who sold her body for twenty dollars.
He said that this woman had a terrible sexual disease known as Medusa’s Revenge.
In the twinkling of an eye a dozen men leaped to their feet and raced from the tent in the direction of Doctor Burnham’s office.
As they faded from sight Doctor Burnham was leading the field and Georgie B. Belleau was closing fast on the outside.
Bobby Crackers went on and on.
He discussed gambling and motion pictures and the wearing of lipstick.
Also short skirts and tobacco and popular music.
He said these were instruments of the Devil.
He called down a curse on those who didn’t contribute to the Lord’s work.
Then he called down a curse upon those who did contribute to the Lord’s work.
He said they didn’t contribute enough.
Bobby Crackers romped and stomped.
He ripped and snorted.
He laughed and he cried.
He jumped up and down and he waved his Bible in the air.
He mentioned that the same Bible was available at the Bible tent and that it was marked down to fifty-nine ninety-five.
He added that hot dogs would be reduced in price after the service.
He called on all of Stranger City to join him in his glorious campaign for Jesus.
He announced an altar call.
The robed choir sang “Will the Circle be Unbroken?”
Bobby Crackers began to weep uncontrollably.
He told of the death of his mother and how he would meet her in the sky and he said that pennants and bumper stickers were now being sold at half price.
The choir switched to “Just As I Am.”
Hundreds of people began to stream down the sawdust trail to the altar.
Rube said let’s get out of here before God wipes this abscess from the face of the earth.
When we were out of the tent Moose said aw Rube I wanted to stay for the tongues-speaking contest.
Rube said Moose you see one tongues-speaking contest you seen them all.
Moose said yeah but I ain’t seen my first one yet.
Rube looked around.
He said where the hell is Count Frazzlewitz?
He started back into the tent.
I grabbed him by the arm.
I pointed to the illuminated cross on the center pole of the tent.
It was listing.
And listing.
The center pole snapped with the sound of a hand grenade explosion.
The big tent collapsed with a great whooshing puff of hot air.
Rube shook his head.
He said Count Frazzlewitz strikes again.
In the white glare of the floodlights the scene was unreal.
The broad expanse of canvas rolled and billowed like a stormy winter sea.
Men cursed and women screamed.
We could hear the impassioned voice of Bobby Crackers imploring the immediate intercession of the Almighty.
One corner of the tent flopped briefly and Count Frazzlewitz appeared.
He was accompanied by Yukon the Saved and Sanctified Seal.
Yukon was dragging his fluegelhorned ladder.
He headed for Darby’s Jump Off.
Count Frazzlewitz bounced smilingly up to Rube.
He was carrying a large swatch of pale gold satin embroidered with tiny blue crosses.
Rube patted The Count on the head.
He said du bist ein gut hund.
Moose said hey Rube I never knowed you could speak in tongues.
43
…religion is something what lets you keep right on doing what you never stopped doing only you can’t brag about it no more…
Monroe D. Underwood
By midnight Stranger City was up for grabs.
The populace was crocked on religion.
There was a prayer meeting on every street corner.
There was much speaking in tongues.
Hymns were sung and the music poured through the open windows.
Brandy said Purdue don’t stop now.
I said I got to stop now.
I said there is absolutely no way I can accomplish this to the strains of “Take Up Thy Cross and Follow Me.”
Brandy said I have an idea.
She said let’s take a blanket and go up to Darby’s Jump Off.
She said it’s quiet there and we can do it all night.
I rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed.
I looked at the floor.
I said oh God our help in ages past.
I said oh God who set the suffering captives free.
I said blessed Savior still our refuge.
Brandy sat up.
She said Purdue things didn’t go too well tonight.
She said in fact the whole evening was a bust.
She said now if you’re going to get religion you’re just going to have to wait until tomorrow morning.
She said that’s an order.
44
…the difference between discriminate sex and indiscriminate sex ain’t worth going into…
Monroe D. Underwood
The clock in the lobby said twelve-thirty.
The desk clerk looked at it and then at me.
He threw a wary glance at the lobby doorway.
He said they’ve gone bananas out there.
He said I ain’t slept wink number goddam one.
I said same here.
I said of course it’s mighty hot in my room.
The desk clerk said things was a whole lot better when we didn’t have nothing going on but drinking and indiscriminate sex.
He said hey by the way I’d sure like to have me some indiscriminate sex with that gal in 208.
I said who’s that?
The desk clerk checked the register.
He said Miss Brandy Alexander.
He said have you seen her?
I shrugged.
I said yeah now and then.
The desk clerk said just give me one shot at that.
He said I’ll wear the little rascal out.
I said I think that’s what Goliath said.
The desk clerk said who?
I said Goliath.
The desk clerk looked at the register.
He said he ain’t checked in yet.
I stretched on the davenport and tried to sleep.
The blast nearly blew me onto the floor.
It had come from the south.
I stumbled out onto Stranger Avenue.
An evil-looking pillar of gray swirling smoke obliterated the south end of town.
A woman was screaming Come Thou Almighty King.
An old man grabbed my arm.
He yelled pray brother it’s the end of the world.
The shurff’s Ford went by with its barrel organ chirping.
I watched it vanish int
o the smoke.
Brandy appeared at my side in robe and scuffs.
She said Purdue what the hell’s happening down here?
I shrugged.
I said it’s something up by the ball park.
A sudden silence had shrouded Stranger City.
We shuffled around in the dust and waited.
Brandy said I thought you were just going to the lobby for cigarettes.
I said yeah but I got to talking to the desk clerk.
The shurff’s car emerged from the thinning smoke.
Like the Flying Dutchman from a fogbank.
I waved to him.
He stopped.
I said what was it?
The shurff said somebody must of planted a bomb in the baseball clubhouse.
I said have you seen Gaylord Messerschmitt?
The shurff said if you mean that wooden-legged catcher he got religion and left town.
He said he claimed that God had called him to the ministry.
I said I think maybe he forgot something.
The shurff drove away.
Brandy said Purdue let’s go to bed.
I said look why don’t we just go over to the park bench?
Brandy frowned.
She said well it might be just a bit cramped.
She said but it’s a challenge.
She squeezed my arm.
She said come on.
She said I’m game if you are.
45
…in Illinois you got to be able to prove adultery before you can buy a drink…
Monroe D. Underwood
The phone rang at eight ayem.
Brandy yawned and purred deliciously.
She kissed my shoulder.
She said Purdue answer that damned thing will you?
She said it rang all night and there was nobody on the line.
She said didn’t you hear it?
I said Brandy last night I could have slept through a naval bombardment.
Rube was on the phone.
He said can you come down to the lobby?
He said the manure has just hit the fan.
I hung up and got dressed.
Brandy said hurry back.
She said we have to make up for lost time.
I said what lost time?
Brandy said what do you mean what lost time?
She said my God I didn’t see you for six months.
I stumbled down the stairs and into the lobby.
Rube and Moose were seated on the davenport.