“No, I mean, here at all. I should be back with my family. And you should be…”
She didn’t finish her sentence, but Kelly suspected she wanted to say in prison, or maybe hanging.
“Ida…you need to understand that I’m not going to…”
“Hurt me?”
“Well, yeah.”
“I already told you I’m not scared of you.”
“Right. I know.”
She pushed him away. “And let me go!”
“Ida, I’m…”
She struggled out of his arms and stood up. “I told you I wanted you to get away from me.”
Kelly stood up. “And I told you I had no where else to go. And what the hell is wrong with you? I just saved your ass from freezing.”
“I would have been fine.”
“You would have been caught in the snow and died. And what’s up with this little jacket? Don’t you have a winter coat?”
“I would have found my cabin. How hard is it to miss a house?”
Kelly rolled his eyes. “You were going to walk right by it.”
“I would have been fine,” she repeated, but this time, her voice wasn’t so sure.
“You know, Ida, it’s okay…you don’t have to be Ms. Strong and Independent constantly. It’s okay to ask for help once in awhile.”
“I don’t take help from thieves and murderers.”
“Alleged. And who do you accept help from, Ida? I don’t see people beating down your door to lend a hand.”
“If I needed help, I’m sure I could find somebody.”
“You do need help! And it would be a hell of a lot easier to help you if you would just accept the fact. You’re so goddamned stubborn,” Kelly growled.
“I’m not stubborn.”
“Then what are you?”
“I just want to be left alone!”
“So you can wander into the storm by yourself and…” Kelly’s voice faltered. “That was no accident, was it?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” She sniffed, turning her back on him, and holding her hands out in front of the fire.
“You weren’t trying to get back to the cabin.”
“Shut up, Kelly.”
“What the hell is going on?”
“Nothing. None of your business.”
“I saw you…before you went out…I saw you collapse.”
She sighed. “I didn’t collapse. I was just…thinking.”
“Thinking? Thinking about what?”
“Nothing. Stuff. Again, none of your business.”
“And the dreams?” Kelly demanded.
“What about them?”
“What are they?”
“Why do you care?”
“Because…Because I do.”
“No…why do you care, Kelly? Why do you keep pushing? I don’t want to talk about it, and it really, really is none of your business. So why do you care?”
“Because I care about you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because you don’t…you don’t know me!”
Kelly sighed. “Yes, this is the point. You won’t tell me anything, how am I supposed to know you? And what? Are you saying if I did know you, I wouldn’t care about you?”
“No. It’s just…I’m cold.”
“Well, yeah. There’s a blizzard out there, you know.”
He sat down by the fire again and held out his arms in invitation. She sat across from him, ignoring the offer.
“You know, Ida…you’ll stay warmer if we share body heat.”
“No.”
“I won’t do anything.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”
“That’s the problem,” she muttered.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.”
“No, what did you say.”
“I said you’re a pig. Now leave me alone.”
“Fine.”
They stared at each other over the low flames. Occasionally, Kelly would throw more fuel on the fire, but he didn’t speak, and neither did she. He just watched the light of the flames dance and reflect in her sullen eyes. It wasn’t long until they were both shaking, the cold seeping into their bones until it seemed they would never be warm again.
“You win,” Kelly said shakily.
“What?”
“You’re the most stubborn, pig-headed, girl I have ever met. You win. Now will you get over here so we don’t freeze to death?”
“I’m not…c-c-cold.”
“Your lips are blue. I’m admitting defeat. It’s okay, you don’t have to freeze.”
“You’re just concerned for my well-being?”
“No, I’m freezing my balls off, and this fire isn’t doing shit to change that.” He expected her to blush at his language, but she didn’t even blink.
“Well, if you put it that way…”
She stood up and walked over to him, hesitating before she lowered herself to the ground.
“I’m not going to bite, love.”
“I know.”
She sat down between his thighs, and settled her back against his chest. She held herself stiffly, afraid to relax against him. He longed to put his hands on her arms, her shoulders, her stomach, her chest…every part he could reach. But he knew that would make her run, or hit him, or both, so he kept his hands stiffly at his side.
“There, see? This isn’t so bad.”
Ida didn’t answer. Gradually, she relaxed against him, and before long, her breathing evened.
For the second time, she fell asleep in his arms. Kelly watched her sleep until the chill crept into his bones and even her body heat couldn’t keep him warm. Kelly knew it would be best and safest to keep her awake. If they were both awake and moving around maybe they wouldn’t freeze to death.
He shook her gently and whispered in her ear, “Ida…Ida you got to wake up now.”
“Hmmm…tired.”
“I know, pet, but it’s time to wake up.”
“I’m cold…”
“Yeah, that’s why you gotta wake up. Gotta stay awake to stay warm, love.”
She sat up and rubbed her eyes, but she almost immediately leaned back into the warmth of his body. “How long have I been asleep?”
“A few hours. I think the sun has gone down now.”
“Is it still snowing?”
“Listen.”
It only took a few seconds to hear the furious storm whipping around the barn.
“Well, at least we have enough fuel…”
Kelly didn’t know if she was joking or not, but he allowed a small smile. “Yeah, that we do.”
“I don’t want to spend the entire night out here.”
“That makes two of us. But trust me, I speak from experience, we’re going to be fine. Last night wasn’t…awful.”
“Look, if you’re trying to make me feel guilty…”
“No, no, doing nothing of the sort. Just saying is all. I can see I should have just let you sleep.”
“And why didn’t you?”
“I told you. It’s easier to stay warm if you’re awake.”
“I’m really tired.”
“Yeah, so am I. But…”
“No sleeping for us. Right. So we have to think of a way to stay awake.”
She could hear the smile in his voice. “I can think of several ways.”
“Kelly, I swear to God if you…”
“Easy there. I meant…singing. We can sing, or…tell stories. I bet you got some great ones.”
“I don’t have any stories.”
“Well…I guess I got a few to regale you with.”
“Oh, goody.”
“Well, there was the time I was a young boy of some ten or eleven…”
“That sounds boring.”
“It’s a goddamn great story. And since you won’t tell any of your own, you don’t
get a say in the matter.”
“Tell me about the wanted poster.”
“It’s really not an interesting story.”
“Robbery and murder? Sounds interesting to me.”
Kelly shrugged. “I robbed a bank. Somebody opened fire. I don’t know who, wasn’t me. I fired back. I guess I hit somebody.”
“You guess you hit somebody? You weren’t aiming?”
“I was aiming to get out of there with my head in place.”
“Even if I believe it was an accident…you were still robbing a bank.”
Kelly shrugged. “I didn’t get away with a lot.”
“That’s not the point, Kelly.”
“Then what is?”
“That’s somebody’s money. Money they used to feed their children and buy clothes and keep a roof over their heads.”
“Please. You’re not that naïve, are you?”
“Why am I naïve?”
“Because, I didn’t steal some poor family’s hard-earned money. The banks aren’t for the farmers and the settlers. The banks are for the fat cat railroad tycoons getting rich on other people’s suffering and death. Ever stop to think how much blood coats those tracks?”
“So that makes it right?”
“Doesn’t make it wrong.”
“How can you justify that?”
“You do what you have to do to survive.”
“Well…what if you had to rob or kill me to survive?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“I think it’s a legitimate one. Can you justify that?”
“That’s a stupid question. It won’t come to that.”
She sat up and turned to face him. “It’s not a stupid question. Look what we’re doing, look at the situation we’re in.”
“What? You think I’m going to have to kill you? For what? To eat you?”
“You scoff…”
“Yeah, I scoff! Jesus woman, you’re insane.”
“And why are you getting so angry?”
“I’m not angry.”
“The vein on your neck is standing out and you’re baring your teeth.”
“I’m not angry,” he said tightly. “Just…I wish you wouldn’t say shit like that.”
“Like what?”
“Stop acting like I’m plotting to kill you in your sleep. I wouldn’t. Have I given you any reason to believe I would hurt you?”
“No…”
“Right. So stop.”
“Look, I didn’t mean to upset you…”
“Of course not. Why would implying several times that I mean to kill you upset me?”
“Well, why would it?”
“Are you really that soft?” Kelly exclaimed, frustrated.
Ida arched an eyebrow. “I guess so.”
“Because you saved my life, Ida.”
“So, if I didn’t save you, I would be fair game?”
“No,” he said slowly. “If you hadn’t saved me, I would be dead.”
She sighed. “That’s not what I mean.”
“Well, if you were trying to shoot me first…”
She considered this, and then settled back against him. “Fair enough. But I still think you were wrong about robbing the bank.”
“Duly noted.”
“Where’s the money?”
“In the saddle bags.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
The fire popped and Ida reached over and shoveled more manure onto it and added a few handfuls of hay.
“It’s going to be a long night, isn’t it?” she said, leaning against him again.
Kelly closed his eyes. His lips were kissing distance from her head and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and explore every soft curve and warm piece of skin. “Yes. A very long night.”
Chapter Twelve
“I have nightmares about all the men who died in the hospital,” she said suddenly, her voice the only tangible thing in the low darkness. The deep night acted like a protective veil between her and the world, and she thought she’d be able to tell him now.
“What?”
“You want to know what my nightmares are about, right?”
“Yes, I do,” he confirmed.
“Well, that’s it. I was a nurse during the war, and I saw things…I did things…I heard things that you wouldn’t be able to imagine.” She laughed shakily. “Guess that sort of thing stays with a person.”
A part of her wanted so badly to trust him, to confide in him. All she had to do was open her mouth and the words would come tumbling out of her in a torrent. His fingers caressed her arms soothingly. She didn’t have any desire to break the contact. His touch was anchoring her to the world.
“Guess so,” he said to fill the silence.
“I was usually the last person they saw before they died. The last person they begged for help. They gave me their messages and final prayers and called me by their wives or mothers’ names. And I wouldn’t be able to do anything more than hold their hand, if they had hands. Some of them didn’t, you know? They didn’t have legs or arms…sometimes they were covered with maggots long before they finally left, Kelly. Do you know…so I still dream about them…” Her voice broke off in a strangled sob.
“You couldn’t have saved them, Ida.” His caresses were more bold now, his lips against the top of her head. His breath tickled her hair.
Ida shook her head. “They thought I could. You could see it in their eyes. They thought I was an angel of mercy.”
“You were. You are.”
Another sob struggled to burst from her throat. “I couldn’t do anything for them…”
“You weren’t the one who shot them, weren’t the one who started the war. Did you even have real training as a nurse?”
“No, there was no time.” She laughed a little. “That why I married him.”
“Why, pet?”
“Because everywhere I went, I saw their faces. Every corner I turned, every person I met, every strange voice I heard, I expected it was them. Haunting me. Reminding me of how I had failed them. Liam said that we could start a new life together, and that’s what I wanted. A new life. Turn back the clock and make things right, you know?”
“And instead he left you to fend for yourself.”
“He said he’d be back.” A weak explanation that she had uttered so many times it completely lost meaning.
“That he did.”
“I’m tired of waiting for him, Kelly,” she admitted aloud for the first time. The words were liberating and crushing at once, and she couldn’t believe she even had the courage to spit them out.
“You’ve already been more patient than he deserves,” he assured her.
“I’ve been living in limbo for a long time…for years now. And I ran west like everybody who had a life they wanted to leave behind,” she mumbled. Words that were too true and scary to deny or call back.
“Nothing wrong with coming west. If ever there was a place to start over, this is it.”
“I thought…” I thought things would be different and better. Things could still be different…could still be better. Could you make them better, Kelly? “I had a dream about you, you know.”
“I didn’t know.”
“It was before…I’ve only known you for a few days.”
It was harder to find the words now, harder still to push them past her numbing lips. Her head hurt and her eyes were tired, but it was vitally important to let him know what she was thinking. Her exhaustion had worn down her defenses, and for what seemed like the millionth time he was holding her and allowing himself to be strong enough for both of them, and it was so hard to ignore that now.
“Yeah, it has only been a couple of days.”
“Kelly?” she said hesitantly.
“Hmmm?”
“Can I tell you a secret?” Her voice was small and weak, and she could barely hear her own words over the storm.
“Of course. I won’t tell a soul,” Kell
y promised.
“I’m not as strong and independent as I try to be.”
“No?”
“No. You were wrong. Sometimes I do get scared, and tired, and overwhelmed.”
“It’s okay.”
She shook her head. “I don’t feel like it’s okay…if I’m not, then how will I survive?”
“You’re surviving, pet. You’ve survived just fine.”
“Sometimes I need help…”
“Don’t we all. Come here, turn around.”
She kneeled and turned to face him, still leaning as close as she could against him for the warmth. She couldn’t see his face, not even an outline of it. He reached up to touch her, delicately brushing her cheek with his fingers. He followed the curve of her cheek and nose, down to her lips, his fingers warming her cool skin.
“I want to help you, Ida. I know you probably don’t trust me…”
“I do.”
“What?”
“That’s what…I mean, I thought I could, you know? And then I found out the truth…” She sighed. “I want to trust you.”
“What can I do, then?”
Instead of speaking, she touched him gently with her cool fingers, and let them linger on his face, then dance around his features delicately. He closed his eyes and let her continue her explorations. She cupped his face with both of her hands, leaned forward, and brushed his lips with hers. It was so tentative that she could barely feel him, except his warm breath tickled her skin. He sucked in his breath sharply as the tip of her soft tongue snuck out and slowly dipped into his mouth, tasting him quickly, and then retreating.
Her hands left his face and ran across his shoulders and down his arms. She thrilled at the sensation of his hard muscles jumping in response to her touch. She wanted to touch his skin, explore his chest and back for new scars, marks, dimples, and sensitive spots. But she didn’t dare expose his skin, and so she settled on rubbing him over his shirt, pushing her hands hard against his body.
Ida tilted his head back and licked his jaw, and then moved lower to the hollow of his throat. She wanted to taste his salty skin, kiss it, learn its smell and texture. He moaned beneath her mouth, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulped for air. She could feel every sound he made, and with every small whimper, she grew more confident in herself.
She pushed him back against the ground slowly. The hay cushioned his body. She straddled him and laid flat against him until her soft breasts pushed into his chest. Ida kissed him again, but this time she wasn’t tentative. She attacked his mouth hungrily, kissing him deeply and slowly rotating her hips, grinding her crotch against his.
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