The Modern Fae's Guide to Surviving Humanity
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If I was going to save this city, I needed three things: one empty detergent bottle, one magazine clipping of Zoe Saldana as Uhura from Star Trek, and one stolen child.
My gun vanished into my jacket as Isabel Famosa stepped into her kitchen and tossed her keys onto the counter. She froze halfway through the process of removing a green windbreaker. “Who are you?”
“Do you have any electrical tape?” I asked.
She backed into the small kitchen. Going for either a phone or a knife. By the time she returned, I had my badge ready.
“My name’s Jessica.” A lie, but I wasn’t about to tell her or the bureau my true name. “I’m with the FBI. Do you know where your husband is, Mrs. Formosa?”
“The FBI? But you’re … you’re not—”
“Human?” She had gone for a boning knife. Nice choice. I hopped down from the chair, clenching my teeth as the movement sent new pain tearing through my leg. Blood oozed through the blue silk tie I had used as a makeshift bandage. Damn troll. I shoved my blonde hair back and hobbled closer, giving her a good look at the narrow pointed ears, the oversaturated blue of my eyes, the deceptively fragile build. “No, I’m not.”
—from “Corrupted” by Jim Hines
Also Available from DAW Books:
Human for a Day, edited by Martin H. Greenberg and Jennifer Brozek Here are sixteen original tales, by authors such as Seanan McGuire, Fiona Patton, Tanith Lee, Jim Hines, and Kristine Kathryn Rush, that examine what it means to be human in all its positive and negative aspects. If you were an intelligent robot would the opportunity to become human for just one day be worth the risks? And what would the consequences be at the end of that day? If a magic spell switched a vampire and a teenage girl into one another’s bodies would both savor the experience or search for a way to undo the enchantment? And what if only one of them wished to switch back? What tests would an angel face if transformed into a mortal for a day? Can a statue brought to life protect its turf? These are just a few of the inventive stories—some humorous, some sad, many thought provoking, and all unique—to be found in this thought-provoking anthology.
Courts of the Fey, edited by Martin H. Greenberg and Russell Davis In the world of Faerie, there are two courts—the Seelie and the Unseelie. According to legend, the Seelie Court, also called The Blessed Ones, are those faeries representing light and goodness. They are the heroes, the judges, and they serve the Queen of Air and Light. The Unseelie Court is the opposite: dark, malevolent, and often dedicated to evil. From Lilith Saintcrow’s magical tale of a half fey ready to take on the entire UnSeelie court to rescue the one he loves … to Amber Benson’s compelling story of a girl’s desperate bargain to escape her evil stepmother … to Michelle Sagara’s poignant exploration of what it means to be a fey among mortals—here are visions bright or dark, terrifying or seductive, fascinating glimpses of both the highest royals and the lowest rogues as they vie with one another or league together against those of the mortal realms.
After Hours: Tales from the Ur-Bar, edited by Joshua Palmatier and Patricia Bray
The first bar, created by the Sumerians after they were given the gift of beer by the gods, was known as the Ur-Bar. Although it has since been destroyed, its spirit lives on. In each age there is one bar that captures the essence of the original Ur-Bar, where drinks are mixed with magic and served with a side of destiny and intrigue. Now some of today’s most inventive scriveners, such as Benjamin Tate, Kari Sperring, Anton Strout, and Avery Shade, among others, have decided to belly up to the Ur-Bar and tell their own tall tales—from an alewife’s attempt to transfer the gods’ curse to Gilgamesh, to Odin’s decision to introduce Vikings to the Ur-Bar … from the Holy Roman Emperor’s barroom bargain, to a demon hunter who may just have met his match in the ultimate magic bar, to a bouncer who discovers you should never let anyone in after hours in a world terrorized by zombies ….
THE
MODERN FAE’S
GUIDE
TO
SURVIVING
HUMANITY
edited by Joshua Palmatier
and Patricia Bray
DAW BOOKS, INC.
DONALD A. WOLLHEIM, FOUNDER
375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014
ELIZABETH R. WOLLHEIM
SHEILA E. GILBERT
PUBLISHERS
http://www.dawbooks.com
Copyright © 2012 by Patricia Bray, Joshua Palmatier, and Tekno Books.
All Rights Reserved.
Cover art courtesy of Shutterstock.
DAW Book Collectors No. 1580.
DAW Books are distributed by Penguin Group (USA).
All characters and events in this book are fictitious.
All resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.
If you purchase this book without a cover you should be aware that this book may be stolen property and reported as “unsold and destroyed” to the publisher. In such case neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this “stripped book.”
The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal, and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage the electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.
ISBN: 978-1-101-57726-4
First Printing, March 2012
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
PRINTED IN THE U.S.A.
Acknowledgments
Introduction copyright © 2012 by Patricia Bray and Joshua Palmatier
“We Will Not Be Undersold,” copyright © 2012 by Seanan McGuire
“Changeling,” copyright © 2012 by Susan Jett
“Water-Called,” copyright © 2012 by Kari Sperring
“The Roots of Aston Quercus,” copyright © 2012 by Juliet E. McKenna
“To Scratch an Itch,” copyright © 2012 by Avery Shade
“Continuing Education,” copyright © 2012 by Kristine Smith
“How To Be Human™,” copyright © 2012 by Barbara Ashford
“How Much Salt,” copyright © 2012 by April Steenburgh
“Hooked,” copyright © 2012 by Anton Strout
“Crash,” copyright © 2012 by S. C. Butler
“Fixed,” copyright © 2012 by Jean Marie Ward
“A People Who Always Know,” copyright © 2012 by Shannon Page & Joseph E. Lake, Jr.
“The Slaughtered Lamb,” copyright © 2012 by Elizabeth Bear
“Corrupted,” copyright © 2012 by Jim C. Hines
Table of Contents
Introduction
Patricia Bray and Joshua Palmatier
We Will Not Be Undersold
Seanan McGuire
Changeling
Susan Jett
Water-Called
Kari Sperring
The Roots of Aston Quercus
Juliet E. McKenna
To Scratch an Itch
Avery Shade
Continuing Education
Kristine Smith
How to Be Human™
Barbara Ashford
How Much Salt
April Steenburgh
Hooked
Anton Strout
Crash
S. C. Butler
Fixed
Jean Marie Ward
A People Who Always Know
Shannon Page & Jay Lake
The Slaughtered Lamb
Elizabeth Bear
Corrupted
Jim C. Hines
About the Authors
About the Editors
INTRODUCTION
As one of three children growing up in a small house, it was a constant battle to keep my siblings from getting into my stuff. Eventually I hit on the perfect solution—I appropriated a medium-sized cardboard box and on the top I wrote: Warning!! Dangerous Polar Bears inside!!! DO NOT OPEN!!!!!!! Then I placed my most secret treasures inside the box, confident that the warning message would give pause to even the most inquisitive of my siblings.
I knew it wasn’t likely that there would be polar bears inside the box, and suspected that my brother and sister knew that as well. But it was possible.
It’s that sense of possibility, of wonder, that fantasy readers share. Long after childhood has passed, and we’ve been forced to acknowledge that polar bears aren’t generally found roaming the streets of suburban New England, we still enjoy reading what-if stories. What if our favorite myths were real, or we could travel to the stars, or journey back in time? What if … ? The possibilities—and the stories they inspire—are endless.
Last year, after Joshua Palmatier and I finished editing our first anthology (After Hours: Tales from the Ur-Bar, DAW Books, March 2011), we began discussing our next project. Joshua suggested, “What if the fairies hadn’t disappeared? What if they were still around today?”
The idea quickly took shape. What if the fae were still here, living among us? Perhaps living in secret, doing their best to pass for human. Or perhaps their existence is acknowledged, but they’re still struggling to fit in. How have they survived? Are they outcasts clinging to the edges of society, or do their powers ensure success in the mortal realm? I was excited by the idea, as were the authors that we invited to send in stories. Out of their submissions we picked fourteen fabulous tales—ranging from humor to dark fantasy—that explore how the creatures of fae are fitting into the modern world.
We hope you enjoy.
Patricia Bray and Joshua Palmatier
WE WILL NOT BE UNDERSOLD
Seanan McGuire
“Dan?” Nimh looked around the employee break room, allowing her eyes to skirt past the slack-faced stockroom workers sitting slumped in their gray plastic chairs. Their cheery green and yellow vests were painfully bright against the industrial beige walls and floor. Not for the first time, Nimh made a note to talk to the store manager about getting some decorations in. Maybe a few cheery posters with kittens and motivational slogans ($4.99, home décor). Those always sold well, so people obviously liked them.
None of the dead-eyed employees were Dan. Only two of them were even male. With a sunny smile and a wave for everyone (stay positive; positivity enhances profitability), Nimh chirped, “Have a fantastic shopping day, everybody!” and turned to leave the room while the workers were still trying to formulate a response. It was always best to leave a situation on a high note.
Dan also wasn’t in the stockroom, where some of the more free-spirited clerks scrambled to hide the poker game they didn’t think management knew about (management knew). Dan wasn’t in the small dining area attached to the snack bar, either. Nimh frowned as she realized that there were actually no employees in the snack bar. She’d need to notify the supervisors to slip some more coupons into the pay envelopes. Seeing happy workers eating Chikin Chompers™ and drinking Milk-y-shakes™ encouraged customer faith in the menu, and customer faith drove customer dollars.
Nimh was on the verge of giving up her quest when she opened the fire door at the back of the store—the one with the broken alarm the employees thought management didn’t know about (management knew)—and found Dan sitting on a splintery old picnic table, his nose buried, as always, in a book. She stepped outside and eased the door silently shut behind her, taking a moment to lean up against the doorframe and just look at him.
She never got tired of looking at Dan. Oh, the rest of the girls in junior management assured her that he was quite average-looking, with his brown hair, muddy hazel eyes, and wire-framed glasses. “You can do better” was a common refrain in the evenings, as they sat around the plastic snack bar tables and slurped Mint-i-licious Milk-y-shakes™. Maybe she could. When you got right down to it, she didn’t really care.
They remained that way for several minutes, Dan reading, Nimh watching Dan read. They both jumped when his watch began to beep. “Damn,” muttered Dan, reaching for the button that would make the beeping stop—only to jump a second time as he caught sight of Nimh standing up against the wall. “Jeez! Nimh, you scared me.”
“I couldn’t find you, and then you looked so happy that I didn’t want to interrupt.” Nimh grimaced, looking faintly guilty. “I’m sorry. Was that wrong?”
“Only because it would have been nice to spend my lunch break with you, instead of with these two.” Dan held up his paperback in illustration. There was a lurid painting of half-naked elf maidens on the cover. “I thought you were on shift until two.”
“I got them to shift my shift.” Nimh pushed herself away from the wall, giving the book a dubious glance as she walked toward him. “I don’t think I’m cut out for chainmail bikinis.”
“Don’t worry. I like my women black-haired, petite, and fully clothed.” Dan slid off the picnic bench, tucking his book into the back pocket of his jeans as he moved to meet Nimh on the no-man’s-land between the building and the decrepit outdoor lunch area. “No gossamer elf princesses will lure me from your arms.”
“I’m so relieved,” said Nimh, not quite able to stop herself from smiling. “Isn’t it time for you to go back to work?”
“That was my ten-minute warning,” Dan said. “I was planning to track you down and try to convince you to slack off for five minutes before I had to go back to the grind.”
“Well, it’s a good thing for you that you won’t have to do that, since you would have failed. I don’t ‘slack off.’ ”
“That’s one of the things I love about you. You somehow manage to be genuinely enthusiastic about working at Undermart. That may be a miracle.” Dan leaned forward to kiss her deeply. Nimh responded in kind, and both of them were smiling a little dizzily by the time he pulled away. “You always taste like cotton candy. Why is that?”
“Healthy living.” Nimh kissed him again before stepping backward, out of the circle of his arms. “Come on. I don’t want to distract you and make you late to work.”
“Right. Wouldn’t want to let Undermart down.”
Nimh looked at him with wide, earnest eyes, and said, “That’s exactly what I was thinking.”
“I know.” Dan smiled a little. “Let’s get back to work.”
Nimh was almost skipping as she led the way inside.
“Dude, what are you doing hanging around with that management chick?”
The words were aggressively delivered, but the nasal voice of the speaker robbed them of the bulk of their menace. Dan sighed, counting slowly to ten before he turned to face his coworker. “Hello, Kyle. How was your lunch? Mine was great. I brought an egg salad sandwich from home.”
“What are you talking about?” Kyle scowled at him, eyebrows scrunching suspiciously together. “You been letting that management chick make you drink those Milk-y-shake™ things they sell up front?”
“She has a name, you know.”
“Yeah. Her name’s ‘the Man.’ ” Kyle paused, a lecherous expression spreading across his face. “Oh, dude, are you sticking it to the Man? You can tell me. We’re buddies.”
“No, we’re not ‘buddies.’ We only tolerate each other because we work in the same department, and every word you say moves me a little closer to requesting a transfer. I hang around with Nimh because she’s my girlfriend, remember? We’re dating? People who are dating tend to hang out together.”
“So you are sticking it to the Man,” said Kyle, lecherous expression spreading. “Does she wear that cotton candy perfume in the bedroom?”
“I’ll report you for harassment if you don’t shut up right now,” said Dan pleasantly.
Kyle scowled. “You’d never
be banging her if she weren’t management. You know Undermart doesn’t like fraternization between employees.”
“There’s nothing in the handbook forbidding it.”
“There’s nothing in the handbook requiring you to eat that artificial bird crap, either—”
“Chikin Chompers™,” murmured Dan, automatically.
“—but you better believe they’ll come down on you if you don’t do it. She’s bad news, man. All them management chicks are. Corporate keeps them in the stores because they make the customers happy, but that doesn’t mean they’re here to fraternize.” Kyle picked up his price gun, brandishing it threateningly at Dan. “Watch yourself, man, or I’ll be getting a new buddy, and you’ll be getting a promotion.”
Dan blinked. “How is getting a promotion bad?”
“Ask one of the greeters that,” said Kyle darkly.
He was silent for the rest of the shift.
Nimh was sitting on the hood of Dan’s car when he came trudging out of the Undermart, his heavy wool coat almost covering the neon edges of his mandatory work vest. She brightened at the sight of him, enjoying, as always, the way the parking lot safety lights glittered off his hair.
Dan smiled when he saw her, starting to walk a little faster. “Hey, baby. You off for the night?”
“I have morning inventory, but until then, I’m all yours.” Nimh slid off the car, opening her arms so that Dan could step right into them. “I missed you.”
“We were in the same store.”
No, we weren’t, she thought, kissed his chin, and said, “I couldn’t come see you while you were on your shift. It was lonely.”
“That’s sweet.” Dan raised one hand, brushing her bangs away from her eyes. “Where did you want to go for dinner?”