Craving Dragonflies

by Terri E. Laine

  “Finish this,” he said, gaze aimed at me.

  We were on the one yard line. I’d gotten that close. I nodded, though my brain still rattled like a bobble head unable to focus. What kind of ass had Willow thought me? Why had she lied when I asked if anything happened between us that night? Her only reason had to be to protect me.

  When the play began, I had one motive. Not to win the game, but to end it. I had so much making up to do, I wanted off the field. I took the ball handed off to me and leaped over the defensive line and dove for the end zone.

  Our victory only delayed me getting off the field. I had no plan other than to find her. Even if she didn’t accept me, I had to apologize for it all.

  Looking at every face in the crowd that I could see proved fruitless.

  “What’s up with you, man?” Sawyer asked later that day.

  “Nothing.”

  “You don’t seem yourself. You had that score and you stopped.”

  Though I’d relied on Sawyer most of my life, I couldn’t depend on him anymore. One more semester and we would go our separate ways. I kept Willow to myself.

  I shrugged and watched him try to hide his disappointment.

  “Okay. If you want to talk—”

  The nod I gave him was returned with a sad yet understanding one.

  I’d stopped blowing up her phone and told myself she’d probably lost it. Besides, she had every reason to hate me.

  When I wasn’t thinking about Willow, I thought about the cryptic message the woman at initiation night had given me. There had been no word from the Vanderbilt Club either. I had no idea if I’d passed their test and didn’t care.

  Days turned into weeks until the holidays were upon us.

  Chance’s girlfriend popped in my open door.

  “Dinner’s ready,” Brie said, tapping me on my shoulder to get my attention.

  “Thanks. I’m not hungry right now.”

  “You know if you ever want to talk…”

  Everyone always wanted to talk when all I wanted was quiet. But Brie was a psych major, so her offer didn’t annoy me.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  She left, disappearing downstairs where a number of voices were laughing and talking. I’d promised Sawyer I wouldn’t run again. That didn’t mean I wanted to play fifth wheel between the couples downstairs.

  If Willow were here, it would be different. She made me smile in ways I never thought anyone could. But maybe things were better this way. She had a chance of happiness. Who was I to bring her into my fucked-up world?

  It was only a few days later, I scooped up my bag with a black envelope I’d received that morning tucked inside. Thanksgiving was here. The house wasn’t yet empty. Sawyer was taking Shelly somewhere. I heard Chance and Brie behind his door as I walked down the hall. I left, not wanting things to get awkward. This was the one holiday I’d always spent with Sawyer until now. Everyone knew I was leaving. No need to drag it out.

  I can’t say I arrived in merry England sober. The jet I’d chartered was full-service. Considering the price of the flight, I took advantage of all the amenities except the stewardess who all but threw herself at me.

  My destination looked like a palace. I walked into the private boarding school and facilities for the wealthiest people in the world’s stowaways. It was a bullshit excuse for rich people to quietly hide away their problem children.

  “Fuck if it isn’t Ash.”

  I smiled at Finn, who looked a lot like his brother, Sawyer.

  “Don’t act like you didn’t expect me,” I said, dropping into a leather armchair in his private living room.

  “Sawyer will be here tomorrow. Why didn’t you hitch a ride with him?” Finn was smart as fuck. One of the smartest people I knew. It didn’t take him long to puzzle it together. “Oh, he’s bringing his girlfriend. Shit, brother, that sucks.”

  He knew like everyone else. I’d done a poor job at concealing my feelings to everyone but Sawyer. He’d either ignored me or had his head in his ass. Besides, the last thing I wanted was his pity.

  “It is what it is. I’m fine with it. She’s good for him.”

  They weren’t sarcastic-laced words.

  “Whatever you say, brother. Are you hanging around?”

  “Nah, got places to go.”

  I had nowhere to be exactly. That wasn’t exactly true. The black invitation gave me an option. “I’m going to Prague, actually.” He nodded. “I would appreciate it if you kept that to yourself.”

  I hadn’t told anyone, and I wanted it kept that way.

  “Yeah, man, your secret is safe with me. I would go with you, but I’d slow you down.”

  Finn was the first person to make light of his situation. Instead of sulking about the distance his parents put between him and the rest of his family, he’d accepted his fate and was making it better despite them. He was a clear reminder that you could do anything when you put your mind to it.

  “How do you do it?” I asked, needing some advice.

  “What? Deal with this?”

  His finger lifted, and I watched in amazement. It shook as it moved side to side, as if his arm had spread wide to encompass the room. I didn’t ask how yet. I let my gaze take in the palatial room as he wanted. It was fit for a king with a huge four-poster bed on one end and an entire living room with sofas and a huge TV on the other.

  “You’re right. It’s too small,” he joked.

  I had to laugh at that. “How do you deal with being on your own?”

  “Oh, that.” He sobered some. “It’s been like that so long, I’m not sure what it would feel like to live back home. I’m not even sure I would if I could. If my father were to be believed, he only has one son, not three. Tomas prefers dick over pussy, though he’ll do either, I’m broken, and Sawyer loves pussy, which in my father’s eyes is pure gold.”

  Willow popped in my head, and I could see her saying All that glitters isn’t gold.

  I nodded as I pictured her in that field with the sun haloing her pretty skin.

  “But you’re not alone. Give Sawyer time,” he was saying.

  “It’s not him. It’s me.” The frequency in which Willow invaded my thoughts scared the shit out of me. I wasn’t ready to have feelings for anyone else. I wasn’t sure I would ever be ready for that. “I’ve relied on his being there for so long, I can’t see what life looks like without him.”

  He sighed. “I get it. Give yourself time.” I could almost see him rubbing his hands together as he switched topics. “I’ve been reading the shit you’ve been sending me and, damn, it’s powerful stuff.”

  The story I’d been writing that was loosely based on me I’d shared with him.

  “That kid, Agni, is a badass.”

  “That’s all Sujah.”

  Finn shook his head. “No way. Sujah awakens something in Agni, yes. He teaches him shit, like how to survive. But Agni will be the one to save the world.”

  Though I hadn’t seen myself as a fictional writer, I tossed ideas to Finn, and he was opinionated enough to be honest about his feelings on where I saw the story going. I didn’t know how many hours past until an attractive nurse knocked on the door.

  “Mr. Cargill, are you ready?”

  Finn’s eyes glittered as he smirked at me and winked before he said over his shoulder, “Give us a few more minutes.”

  I shook my head after she left again. If there was one thing true about the Cargill brothers, they all liked sex a lot. That probably had a lot to do with their parents being very open about it from when they were little. It wasn’t a taboo in their home and something their parents discussed more openly as the brothers got older.

  “So that,” I said and tilted my head toward his hand.

  He lifted the finger again and grinned.

  “Father’s money is paying off.”

  I got up without fear and locked my finger with his. “Good for you, brother.”

  It was the closest thing we had to a handshake in
all the years I’d known him.

  He winked at me. “Before you know it, I’ll be walking.”

  “I look forward to that day.” Before shit could turn sad, I said, “I’ll let you go to your nurse,” and left the question of what the nurse planned to do hang in the air.

  “No rush. She’ll be back.” In a slightly quieter tone, but still loud enough to hear, he added, “She sucks dick like a champ. I swear, if I had a gold medal, I’d give it to her.”

  That made me laugh, and not because of what he said, but why. Finn wanted me not to think about all the bad shit going on in my head, so he’d said something completely off topic to catch me off guard.

  “Then I should really go. I wouldn’t want to come between you and your nurse,” I jested.

  “Like I said, she’ll be back. They always are. But you, brother, you stay. Crash on my couch. I’ll tell my brother I’m busy and for him to show his girl around London.”

  It would be too easy to say yes.

  “Nah—I’m actually looking forward to some alone time.”

  What I really wanted were answers. That black invitation held a promise of some.

  33

  Willow

  * * *

  A day before the Thanksgiving feast, I was being smothered by my mother. When she released her hold, it was only to free her hands to grab the sides of my face.

  “Willow,” she crooned, staring at me as if she hadn’t seen me in years. “I missed you so.”

  Her hands stroked down my hair before I was finally freed.

  “I missed you too, Mom.”

  On the other side of the room, Celeste was getting similar treatment from her dad, only less hands-on.

  Mom appraised me. “Have you been eating?”

  She asked the question in a way I wasn’t sure if she thought I was too fat or too skinny.

  “Enough,” I said passively and changed the subject. “How are you doing?”

  “Oh, you know, charity dinners and meeting with clients keep me busy.”

  Of course, she wasn’t talking about her work, which she hadn’t done in years. Rather she was my stepfather’s arm candy, and Mom was happiest in that role.

  Warning bells went off in my head. If I didn’t get her off this current topic of conversation, she would be giving me the third degree about my own love life, existent or not.

  “Is there anything I can help with for tomorrow’s meal plans?” I offered.

  She shifted and draped an arm around my shoulders. “Oh, honey, it’s being catered. I’m making your father’s favorite homemade apple pie, though.”

  For a second, I thought she was talking about my dad until I followed her eyes over to Dan.

  “He’s not my father,” I muttered under my breath.

  The smile plastered on her face didn’t falter even as I stood, muscles tensed.

  “Don’t say that. He loves you like you were his own.”

  I turned my face away from where Dan was still talking to Celeste, not at all looking pleased. He hadn’t even acknowledged my presence, per usual.

  “He tolerates me because of you.”

  Mom faced me, giving me that don’t make trouble for me look.

  “That’s not true. He pays for your college.”

  I ground my teeth because Mom was stuck in her fantasy world.

  “Funny, because I have a ton of student loans to pay back that say otherwise.”

  Mom pursed her lips and I mirrored her expression, crossing my arms over my chest for added weight.

  “Well, he pays for your room and board. That’s something.”

  I glanced heavenwards, praying for patience. We’d only just arrived, and I didn’t want to fight with her.

  “He isn’t paying for me. Celeste wanted to live off-campus, and the place she found there wasn’t much difference in cost for a second bedroom.”

  Mom sighed, but still managed a small smile. “It’s something. Be thankful.”

  “I am. I’m sorry. It’s just he’s not my dad, okay. That doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for the things he has done for me. Mostly, I want you to be happy.”

  Before I could draw her into a hug to make up, she had me in one.

  “You will always be the most important thing to me,” she said into my ear and kissed my forehead before letting me go.

  Dan looked ready to blow, and Mom stepped over.

  “Why don’t you girls go get ready for lunch?”

  She smoothed a hand down Dan’s arm as his face lightened from a fiery red to pink.

  I threaded my arm through Celeste’s and pulled her free from the stare down she was having with her father.

  “What’s going on?” I murmured as we turned the corner on the stairs on the way up.

  Her eye roll seemed to go on for ages until we entered her room. I shut the door as she flopped onto her bed like the world was ending.

  “So?”

  I stood there, arms folded, which seemed to be my favorite pose when I was at home.

  “I told him.”

  She stared at the ceiling and I exhaled a breath as I sat next to her.

  “He didn’t take it well?” I asked.

  That was an understatement, but I wasn’t sure what else to say. Dan had plans for his only daughter, and she wasn’t living up to his expectations.

  “Talk about meltdown. You’d thought I’d told him I was pregnant, not that I hadn’t applied to a master’s program.”

  I laughed. “That would start Armageddon. Don’t joke like that.”

  My laughter died as she bit her lip.

  “Wait? You’re not pregnant, are you?”

  She glanced away.

  “Shit, Celeste. Who? What? How?” When her gaze rolled in my direction, I amended my statement. “Okay, forget the how. Though I’m seriously wondering how because you’re on the pill.”

  “Like the pill is hundred percent.”

  Her sarcasm didn’t stop my mind from racing. If big Dan found out, whatever guy had knocked her up was going to enjoy a permanent dirt nap. Mom may have loved the guy, but he scared the crap out of me. He was only a big teddy bear when it came to his daughter. And even that was limited, considering the murderous gaze he’d given her not ten minutes ago.

  I lay back with the weight of everything and turned my head to face her.

  In a gentler tone, I asked, “What are you going to do?”

  She shrugged. “Tell him, I guess.”

  The him must be the father-to-be. “Who is he?”

  A picture of a baby-faced guy with a killer smile that could combust any girl’s panties popped in my head.

  “Taylor.”

  I remembered the guy who didn’t have to speak to get her to follow.

  “I guess this means you’re giving up your crush on Sawyer.”

  Her shoulders rose and fell again. “I guess, unless he’s into single mothers.”

  I didn’t comment that she’d practically admitted having the baby was a done deal.

  “Are you going to tell your dad?”

  Her head jerked back in my direction.

  “Are you crazy? If, and I mean if, I do this, I’m not telling him anything until after graduation. He’ll cut me off once he finds out.”

  Not that I wasn’t concerned for her, but the conversation I’d just had with Mom popped in my head. If he stopped paying her bills, I would end up homeless too.

  “I’m here for you whatever you decide.”

  I held out my hand, and she took it. Then we both stared at the walls. I couldn’t help placing my free hand on my belly, remembering my night with Ashton. What would I do if I was the one with a living being growing inside me?

  That thought only made me wonder what Ashton was doing? I hadn’t decided how mad I still was with him. Despite that, I couldn’t help wondering where was he and who was he with? Most of all, I wondered if he thought about me at all after I ran off.

  My phone had become a doorstop when it had fallen out o
f my pocket on my mad dash home after leaving the frat that night. That was probably a good thing. I’d be depressed if he hadn’t called to check on me. Now I’d never now.

  With Dan pissed at Celeste, I didn’t think it was a good idea to bring up that I needed a replacement.

  34

  Past

  * * *

  A hand shoved down my boxers before I was fully awake. I hadn’t had time to brace myself as I was pulled up to my knees and he shoved himself inside me. My insides felt like molten lava as I strained to get away.

  “That a boy. Fight me. I love a good fight.”

  His forearm became a noose around my neck, constricting my airways and stealing what little strength I had.

  My eyes burned, but I refused to cry. I bit my lip hard until I felt a trickle of blood seep onto my tongue.

  “Damn, boy.” His hot breath fanned over my neck, filling my nose with the smell of bourbon, a smell I would never forget. “You’re like a fine wine. You get better with age.”

  I couldn’t respond. I was doing my best not to pass out from lack of air while he ripped my insides to shreds.

  His free hand wormed down into my shorts and grabbed my withered dick. With impossibility, blood rushed to the damn thing against my wishes.

  “You like this boy, don’t you?”

  My consciousness was slipping. I’d only managed a few sips of air.

  His rough hands were like sandpaper across my skin. Still, I grew closer to the edge of darkness and pleasure. In that moment, if I’d had a gun, I would have shot myself. I hated every inch of my skin from every tug and pull until I spilled with no choice of my own.

  My vision was foggy at the moment of his guttural groan in my ear as he emptied himself inside me.

  He sagged forward, pressing me into the bed, further cutting off my oxygen supply.

  At that point, I didn’t care. I longed for death. It was better than the hell I was living. When he rolled off and out of me, my body once again betrayed me. I gulped in copious amounts of oxygen. So much so, I felt my light-headedness begin to fade to normalcy.

  He picked up a tumbler from my nightstand and stumbled out of the room. He hadn’t closed the door, and I heard a mumbled conversation. He had to be speaking to my mother. Guests weren’t allowed upstairs. Apparently, paying ones were.