Heaven Is For Heroes

by PJ Sharon

  It suddenly occurred to me that I had more or less taken over his life and even more weird was that he had let me. Part of me was smugly satisfied about it and the other part of me felt a wary knot forming in my gut. Being supportive of his recovery was a given, but my heart was far more invested in our time together than was practically safe. A shot of fear ran through me for the first time. What if I was wrong about him? About us? About everything?

  He spread out the food and handed me a bottled water, twisting the cap off first. “Why wouldn’t I want to?”

  “It’s just that…I know I’ve been kind of…”

  “Bossy?” He took half the sandwich in a bite and chewed, eyeing me over the water bottle as he slugged it down.

  “I wouldn’t have used that word, but…well…yeah,” I said, smiling and looking down at my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He handed me a bag of potato chips. I stared at him in awe. “You remembered.”

  “How could I forget? I don’t know anyone else who likes potato chips on PBJ’s.” His ears turned a shade of pink and he looked out over the water.

  I swallowed the urge to cry. My heart swelled to near bursting—over a stupid sandwich. What was happening to me? I guess I didn’t have to ask. I had loved Alex since I could remember. A silly crush on the boy down the street, but this felt different. I was suddenly scared…terrified. We’d grown closer these past weeks of training and therapy, but we had both been so focused on his recovery, I hadn’t paid attention to how different it felt to be with him. What used to be a warm, shy, longing now burned a hot white hole in my heart that sent an ache down into my bones—an ache that nothing could ease except his smile or the thought of his touch. In that moment, I knew I was falling in love, but I had no idea how he felt, and the thought had me petrified. What if he didn’t feel the same way? I sipped my water, pondering my options, and then took a deep breath.

  The direct approach, I decided. “Alex, what’s happening between us?” My cheeks felt on fire, but I had to know.

  He shifted uncomfortably. “I…I don’t know. We’re just…being friends, aren’t we?”

  My stomach sank. “Friends…of course. Just like always, right?” I took a bite of my sandwich and crunched on the chips, the taste no longer as appealing as when we were little. Another reminder that we weren’t kids anymore. The passage of time, and war and death, had changed us. Our one kiss had been a mistake, right? We were just playing at being grown up. It didn’t mean anything. Besides, what Alex needed right now was a friend. I could do that. I could just be his friend. I clenched my jaw and forced my emotions down. My heart hammered in my chest as we both looked out over the lake, the tension growing between us.

  “Hey, I remembered something about what happened,” he announced, drawing me out of the funk that had my head spinning. He sat up straighter and caught my full attention.

  “What did you remember?” My heart sped up another beat. This moment was what I had been waiting for—for Alex to recover his memory, to tell me the truth about my brother.

  “It’s not much, really.” He slouched and stared at a row of ducks paddling along the shoreline. “It’s just that…I keep hearing this kid crying. Not a baby…a kid about seven or eight…was crying. I see flashes of the house…a window…people inside…I don’t know.” He shook his head, his voice sounding lost and confused.

  “Do you know what it means?” I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but it was the first time he had volunteered information or was even willing to talk about the incident. I knew he’d been seeing a counselor and I let that be private for him, resisting the urge to ask him how it was going. I let my other questions drop to the background in my busy head, my emotions so close to the surface I wanted to crawl under the blanket and hide like a hermit crab.

  “I’m not sure, but I think it has something to do with why we went into the house in Baghdad.” He shrugged his shoulder. “I hope I’ll remember more.” His face took on a hard, faraway look that made my chest ache. I had no idea what he’d gone through over in Iraq, but I could only imagine he had seen more than any nineteen year old should ever see.

  “Why would the military be so sure that you entered the house first?” I asked.

  “Our squad leader gave us our assignments. I was supposed to go in and hack into the computer and Lee was my backup. Two Marines covered us from a nearby rooftop and another two surveilled the street and the alley. It was supposed to be a simple in and out.” His voice had taken on a monotone and now wavered. “I remember getting the call to stand down, and then I can’t remember what happened next until I woke up in the hospital….” He looked down at the prosthetic limb and then looked away again. The lake seemed to offer him a grounding point to the present.

  I didn’t press him for more, despite the thousand questions that battered my brain. I touched his arm, warm and solid, and he smiled over at me, coming back fully to the moment.

  “We’ll work on it in meditation,” I said. “Maybe you should try acupuncture—to clear your meridians.”

  I took the last bite of my sandwich as he rolled his eyes and shook his head. “You are so weird.” I tossed my empty water bottle at him and he caught it in mid-air.

  “Your cat-like reflexes are going to come in handy when I get you in the sparring ring.” I lay back on the blanket and closed my eyes, soaking up the sunshine and trying not to think about the house in Baghdad or the memory of Alex’s kiss. It was pointless to dwell on the past. He couldn’t force himself to remember and I couldn’t force myself to forget, so I ignored the ache deep inside and listened to the sounds of the lake—the birds singing, the water lapping gently on the shore. I reminded myself of a lesson Vic taught in yoga class. To gain what you desire, you must learn to let it go—a strange paradox that I’d never quite understood.

  “Jordie.” Alex’s voice cut through all the other sounds and made goose bumps rise on my skin.

  “Yeah?” I opened my eyes and shielded the sun with my hand so I could see his face. A serious expression confronted me and my muscles tensed.

  “You know I care about you, right?” His eyes held an intensity that ran another jolt through me.

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “I mean…I really care about you. It’s just…I have a lot of stuff to work through. You understand, don’t you?”

  I wanted to say “No, not really,” but I did understand. The time for us to talk about our feelings would have to wait. His recovery came first. “Of course I do, Coop. You’ve been through a lot.”

  “So have you.” Without warning, he reached over and brushed the hair back from my face, tucking a stray curl behind my ear. The sensation of that one simple touch reached all the way to my belly and made my toes tingle. My pulse jumped and my skin felt hot from the inside out.

  He leaned over me, blocking the sun. We looked at each other for a long minute. I thought he might kiss me—willed him to do it—but then the tortured look in his eyes faded and he let out a breath as he backed away and stared blankly out over the water again. Sadness and disappointment settled over my soul. I could see the guilt on his face. He felt responsible for my brother’s death. How could I expect him to see beyond the weight that rested so heavily on his shoulders?

  “You have to stop blaming yourself, Coop. Whatever happened, you need to forgive yourself and look to the future. You know that Lee would never have blamed you.” I sat up and peered out over the lake with him, only half seeing the beauty beyond the dark cloud that hung over us both. “It’s probably what he wanted, anyway.” My voice sounded small and more fragile than I’d intended. “And if he wanted to die, there would have been nothing you could do to stop him.”

  Alex laid a hand on my arm, the warm contact touching a part of me that felt much deeper than skin. “I understand why you would think that Lee wanted to die, but he had changed. The Marines gave him a purpose…a reason to live. He wouldn’t have tried to kill himself, Jordie, especially not while putting me at risk. You’re
wrong if you think otherwise.” He let his hand fall away and I instantly missed his touch. My head ached with confusion.

  “Then why did he go into the house when you were ordered not to and he knew it wasn’t safe? I know you, Coop. The only reason you would have to go against an order was if you were following my brother.” The anger I’d been containing crept out in my words.

  His jaw ticked. “I don’t know. I wish I did.” His voice sounded so far away and detached, I wanted to reach out and pull him back. He added in a hoarse whisper, “All I know is the military record shows that I got my best friend killed.

  Chapter 12

  I’d been thinking about what Alex said all morning, seeing the tormented look of guilt and shame that shadowed his features. Mom and I went to church and Brig stayed behind to open up the antique shop. Business had picked up over the past week and he wanted me to work the rest of the day, but all I wanted to do was find out if he had any new information that might help clear Alex’s name.

  “I thought you were going to look into it?” I rubbed the wood polish into the old maple nightstand, the scent of lemon oil permeating the air.

  “I called in a few favors and read over the squad leader’s report. It seems pretty clear that Alex jumped the gun. He made a mistake, Sunshine. It happens to the best soldiers. I blame his squad leader for putting two wet-behind-the-ears Marines into a bad situation. They never should have been on a special-ops mission in the first place. I don’t care how easy a job it was supposed to be. It was just poor judgment all the way around.”

  “I just think…”

  “Listen to me, Jordan. You have to let this go now. You aren’t helping Alex by dwelling on the past.”

  “I’m the only one who is helping him,” I snapped. Furniture polish sloshed in the container as I slammed it down on a seventeenth century sideboard next to me.

  “Settle down there, young lady.” Brig eyed me severely. “I know you’re angry. You have every right to be, but it won’t help anything to chase after some crusade that you can’t win. Sometimes, life is unfair and you just have to deal with it. Do you understand?” His tone softened a bit but still held that air of authority that meant the question was rhetorical. He took the rag from my hand before I could polish a hole right through the wood.

  Tears burned behind my eyes. My pulse grew in my throat like the blood would spurt out my jugular or the top of my head might pop off if I didn’t hit something or scream. “No I don’t understand! I know things didn’t happen the way they said they did and I’m going to find a way to prove it!” I turned to storm out of the antique shop. Brig caught my arm.

  “This will not end well, Jordan.” His steely blue eyes penetrated through me and might have terrified someone else—someone who didn’t know the depths to which my grandfather could love. I could see the pain in his eyes behind the glare and I knew he was wondering, too. Did Levi commit suicide, or did Alex really make some horrible mistake that ended in tragedy for all of us? There might be no happy outcome. And was Brig willing to let Alex take the blame if he didn’t deserve it? I couldn’t believe he could live without knowing the truth.

  I pulled my arm free. “I’m going to look for answers with or without your help.”

  Alex was the only one who could tell me. I had to help him remember—but how?

  I stomped out of the shop just as two very prickly gray haired old ladies walked in. With a satisfied smirk, I left my grandfather to fend them off. It served him right.

  “Alex doesn’t want to see you.” Mrs. Cooper glanced over her shoulder and stepped out onto the porch, locking and closing the door behind her. She adjusted her briefcase strap on her shoulder. Her slim brows furrowed in concern and fatigue shadowed her pretty features.

  “What do you mean—why not?” I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and my palms started to sweat. The July heat wasn’t helping. Perspiration rolled down my temple and I pulled my ponytail tighter, shifting a Red Sox cap down over my eyes to block the sun. I’d taken it from Levi’s old room. It helped to keep a piece of him close to me—a reminder of good times.

  “Alex got his discharge papers yesterday. He hasn’t come out of his room since.” Mrs. Cooper’s blonde hair was held perfectly in place with what probably took an entire container of hairspray in this humidity. She was in a light cotton suit and her face was made up as if she was on her way to a business meeting. At 3:00 on a Saturday? Didn’t she ever take a day off? I couldn’t leave Alex alone. He must be feeling like crap. He definitely didn’t need any reminders of all he’d lost. His discharge papers couldn’t have come at a worst time.

  Mrs. Cooper stood in my way. I could see she wasn’t planning to invite me to stay, and rather than argue, I smiled sweetly and said, “I understand. I’ll give him a few days and call him to see how he’s doing.” Like hell I would.

  Her face relaxed. “I’m sure he’ll get past this in a day or two. Thank you for understanding.”

  She followed me off the porch and waved as I walked down the driveway toward the street. My house was less than a quarter of a mile away and I had walked, so it was easy to act as if I was going home. I waited for the sound of her BMW to fade away, and doubled back. If Alex was avoiding company, he probably wouldn’t answer if I rang the bell or knocked. I checked the front door. Yup, she locked it. Probably the back door, too. She struck me as someone thorough and security conscious. I paced the length of the porch a few times until an idea formed.

  I remembered Alex sneaking out on occasion when he and Levi would skulk off to some midnight kegger. Bonfires and summer parties were a common occurrence on Thompson Lake, although the local cops had come down hard on underage drinking the past few years—since all the trouble with the high school. I made my way to the backyard and craned my neck trying to detect any signs of movement. If I remembered correctly, Alex’s room was the one on the right, the one with a small balcony leading to a double set of French doors covered with sheer curtains.

  Fragrant yellow roses on a thick vine twined their way up the old trellis attached to the house right below the balcony. I studied the lattice, doubtful it could hold me but unwilling to be deterred. There were enough open spaces where the roses hadn’t filled in that I could climb up and hop over the balcony. I eyed the worn lattice. It had been a few years since Alex had used this escape route, but it must be sturdy enough for me if he used to climb up and down.

  I took a deep breath and started my ascent. I selected my hand and foot placement carefully, trying to be quiet while avoiding the less sturdy looking pieces. Everything was going fine until, about half way up, I heard a creak and my foot dropped through the broken wood into mid-air. I sucked in a breath. Holding on tight with both hands, I winced as thorns from an underlying stem and splinters of wood bit into my fingers. I searched for another foothold. My hat fell off and as I reached for it, I nearly lost my grip. If I fell it would be a ten foot drop onto a stone patio. My heart lurched and I grabbed onto the trellis with both hands, stopping to catch my breath and recover.

  The rest of the climb turned out to be relatively easy in comparison. Although the roses seemed to have a mind of their own and lashed out at every opportunity to leave scratches everywhere my skin was exposed. In shorts and a tank top, little of me wasn’t stinging or bleeding by the time I reached the top and pulled myself over the railing. Not my brightest idea.

  I peered in the glass doors and saw the room was empty. The sheer curtains were drawn, but I could make out the space clearly. At least I’d gotten the right balcony. There was a shelf with stereo speakers and a rack of old CD’s, a television, a desk with a state of the art computer system and an entire book case loaded with sci-fi books and technical manuals along with a dozen plaques and awards from science fairs. Alex was such a geek. I loved that about him. He was so different from other guys I knew from school—guys who were afraid to look too smart and hid behind their football uniforms or pothead status to keep from landing on the geek squad. Alex
had always been—just Alex.

  Now that I was there, I should probably go in. I slowly turned the handle on the door and opened it just a crack. A burst of cool air hit me. I listened carefully, a chill crawling up my spine at how silent the house was. I pushed the door open and walked in, about to call out. A blur hit me from behind and the air rushed from my lungs. Two strong arms wrapped around me as I sailed through the air and came down hard on the bed. Instinct kicked in and I twisted, my elbow snapping out and catching Alex on the side of the face as I rolled onto my back.

  We both screamed. “Alex! I’m so sorry. Did I hurt…?”

  “Are you crazy! What the hell are you doing sneaking into my house? I could have killed you!” I stared into his face suddenly aware he was on top of me. He had me pinned to his bed, a savage look in his eyes.

  My heart raced and the air-conditioned room did nothing to relieve the heat that coursed through my body. I wanted to respond, but my words caught in my throat and all I could do was lie there motionless beneath him trying to recover my breath and figure out how to get him to stay exactly where he was. Nose to nose and eye to eye, we were as close as we’d ever been to each other. The weight of his body and the warmth of his breath on my skin sent shivers of tension through me that settled into a blissful swirl in my belly. I curled my fingers through his and felt the tension shift between us. His expression changed from one of anger to…before I could define it, he rolled off me and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, his back to me. I gulped in a few deep breaths, willing my heart rate to come back to normal.

  I lay still, the sensation of him on top of me lingering like a kiss. I blinked a few times to recover my focus and found my voice. “I’m sorry. Your mom said you didn’t want to see me so I…”

  “So you broke in,” he snapped. “Jesus, Jordie. You nearly gave me a heart attack.” He dropped his head into his hands. “I really could have hurt you.”