Heaven Is For Heroes

by PJ Sharon

  My heart fluttered and my cheeks grew warm, the silence between us filled with a hundred memories and one long moment that could change us both forever. I studied the curve of his lips, imagining how they would taste and feel against mine, willing him to kiss me. I laid my hands tentatively on his chest, struck by the firmness under my fingertips. His heart hammered and mine skipped a beat faster to match his. Breathe, I reminded myself.

  He was inches away, his voice barely above a whisper. “No matter what I find in that file, I want you to know…you have given me…well… you helped me find me again, and I’ll never forget it.”

  Tears stung behind my eyes and I blinked them back. The intensity built to a thunderous wave crashing in my head, his words touching me deeply. I had to tell him how much he meant to me. I knew it was a terrible risk (a flash coming to mind of the last time I had said the words), but he had to know. “Coop…you know I…”

  Before I could say it, he kissed me. Those lips I’d been imagining were suddenly pressed against mine, moist and warm and soft. A groan escaped as my whole body surrendered to the moment, reveled in the contact between us, wanting more than I knew I should. I kissed him back, pressing my body against him and wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him closer. His hands went to the small of my back to hold me there as if I might pull away—an unlikely possibility from where I stood. I had dreamed of this moment since I was old enough to know Alex was the only boy I wanted to kiss. Now I was in his arms, wrapped in the strength, tenderness, and passion I’d always known was Alex.

  A knock on the door interrupted the moment. Alex pulled away and I let go, gasping for breath. My fingers went to my mouth as if to hold onto the lingering sensation of his lips on mine.

  Mrs. Cooper spoke through the door. “Do you two want to come down for something to eat? You’re welcome to stay, Jordan.” Did parents have some kind of radar that told them when to interrupt at exactly the worst time?

  “We’ll be right down,” Alex answered, his face flushed. He eyed me cautiously for a moment. “I’m sorry about that.”

  I wasn’t sure if he meant the kiss or the interruption, but either way, the spell was broken and I needed to put some distance between us. The humming in my body needed release and I didn’t think staring across a dinner table at Alex was going to help. What I needed was a good long run. I took a deep breath which cleared my head enough for me to find my voice. “Call me tomorrow?”

  “You can count on it.” Alex quirked a little smile at me and my heart melted. I followed him to the door. He faced me, his hand on the doorknob. “Whatever happens next, I promise I’ll do the right thing. No more screw ups.” Eyes the color of sea glass stared down at me with a look so serious, a shiver ran down my arms.

  “It wasn’t you, Alex.” My voice sounded so sure. “It was never about you.”

  I knew it had to be Levi. As much as it hurt to think my brother was so desperate that he would risk his best friend’s life to do something stupid, I knew both of these guys better than anyone. Alex and Levi had occupied most of my life and I had no regrets about that. In my heart, I knew my brother had lived his life on borrowed time. It hadn’t come as a shock when we’d gotten the call about his death. Somewhere inside, I’d half expected it. What I hadn’t expected was the impact. Mom still slept through dinner sometimes and wandered the house at night, crying. Brig acted like his same old solid self, but I caught the sad, faraway look in his eyes when he thought no one noticed. Me—I sat up late at night re-reading every letter, e-mail and postcard he’d sent, trying to find the answer to the stupid, unanswerable question of why?

  But worse than all of that was the look in Alex’s eyes--the haunted emptiness that took over his face every time he thought about Levi. Crushing guilt screamed behind his blank expression. I could always tell, and I saw his guilt now. I reached up and touched his cheek, “Whatever you find, it’s not going to change how I feel.” I looked at him hard so he’d know I meant what I said.

  He pressed my palm against his cheek and closed his eyes, drawing a deep breath as if committing the sensation, or maybe my words, to memory. When he opened his eyes, he kissed my palm, sending a quiver to my belly. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  The quiver dissipated as soon as he let go of my hand—replaced by a hollow sensation in the pit of my stomach. The absence of his touch hit me immediately, and I had a terrible feeling about what was to come.

  Chapter 16

  Mom gave me an earful when I got home. “…irresponsible of you to leave Brig to work alone for the afternoon, no phone call, didn’t know where you were…” blah, blah, blah. I heard about half of her rant, my mind still whirling about the day’s events. If she only knew—I’d been in a barroom brawl, come close to jumping off a cliff with Alex (our better judgment had prevailed on that one), and committed a federal offense all in the span of a few hours. But none of it compared to the excitement that had every cell of my body buzzing over our kiss.

  I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. I replayed the moment over and over, hearing Alex’s apology, “Sorry about that.” Was he sorry he kissed me? Sorry we were interrupted? My stomach twisted, uncertainties making my nerves twitch as I tapped my fingers on the mattress.

  I sat up. I paced my tiny room. Pink walls and flowery purple curtains—a decorating choice I’d made when I was fourteen and now hated—closed in on me. I could have done something about it, but I planned on leaving for college next year and it didn’t seem worth the effort. Taking over Levi’s room was out of the question, although the room had more space and a better view of the lake. Mom had basically enshrined it and refused to go through or remove any of Levi’s belongings. Another twinge of sadness gripped my heart. Why did life have to change so fast—so completely? What was the use in planning on anything?

  Up until a couple of months ago, I thought my life was planned out. Moving far away from Thompson Lake had seemed like a good idea. I wanted to get away from my mother’s depression, her self-absorbed silence, and the inevitable drudgery of taking over the antique shop when Brig decided to throw in the towel and really retire. Not that I didn’t love the shop, but I had bigger plans. I had hopes of being accepted for early admission to the pre-med program at either Harvard in Boston or Stanford in California. I had also applied to Johns Hopkins and Columbia. My grades and a stellar track record should get me several scholarships to the college of my choice. Being at school far from home had been very appealing when I thought Alex didn’t want me. But after today, all of my plans left me feeling lost.

  I pulled out the box from under the bed. A cedar box that had belonged to Grandma Josie—a gift Brig had given me when I turned fourteen. A place to keep my secret treasures, he’d said. I lifted the lid and sifted through the letters, reaching for the one I wanted to read again. Unfolding the wrinkled and well-worn page had become a secret addiction. I couldn’t go to sleep without reading it every night and studying the enclosed picture. Unfolding the letter, I stared at the picture of Levi and Alex. Side by side dressed in full combat gear and smiling. I bit my lower lip as it quivered and I set the photo aside. Then, I pressed the paper flat on the bed and smoothed it out. I swallowed the hard lump that burned in my throat.

  Hey Sis,

  I would love to tell you everything is great, but I know I can tell you the truth. It’s hot and dry and sandy here. Wearing a flak-jacket and full gear in this heat sucks big time. My equipment belt weighs a ton and my rifle is part of me at all times when I’m out in the field. I don’t know why I keep volunteering for maneuvers, but it beats sitting around waiting for something to happen.

  Life here is all about waiting for the next op. It’s hard not knowing who the enemy is. Anyone could be out to get you, so we have to always be on guard. The Iraqi people are basically really good people. I can see in their faces that they are afraid. Worse, I know I am just as afraid as they are.

  I’m tired all the time. I miss home every day. I miss you. You understand me b
etter than anyone, except maybe for Coop. I know he misses you, too. He won’t tell me why he hasn’t answered any of your letters. You know how guys are about feelings.

  We don’t talk about it here, but we’re all afraid for our lives. I think Brig understood. That’s why he kept Coop and me together. I used to think I wasn’t afraid to die, but it’s not true anymore. I think about it every day—dying that is. I can’t get it out of my head. It isn’t like it used to be. Instead of feeling like it’s swallowing me up, now it’s more like I am surrounded by death and I’m trying to conquer it somehow. I hope that makes sense and doesn’t make you worry. I’m really holding up all right. Coop’s staying tough, too. No matter what, we have each other’s backs.

  That brings me to what I really wanted to tell you. I’ve told Coop that it’s OK with me if he loves you. I’ve known for a long time that you might end up together and I’ve come to the conclusion that life is short and you shouldn’t waste time with regrets. I want you both to be happy. I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ll be okay no matter what happens. You have enough on your shoulders with Mom and Brig. Tell them I love them. I’ll send Brig an e-mail. Remind him to check. I know he doesn’t open his e-mail very often. LOL. I love you little sister, and I’m sorry I’m not there with you. So is Coop.

  Love,

  Lee

  I shook my head through my tears, more confused than ever. I turned out the light, snuggled under my covers, and fell asleep, the letter curled in my hand.

  Chapter 17

  The next morning I went to church without argument. Resistance seemed pointless, so I sang the hymns, half-heartedly recited the profession of faith, and asked forgiveness for my sins. I wondered if impatience was a sin as I went up to receive communion. I tried not to think about Levi. Instead I focused on Alex, who had taken over pretty much every thought in my head since he’d kissed me. Even my dreams were filled with flashes of what came beyond his kiss.

  I blushed, noticing the mosaic form of the Virgin Mary etched into the stained glass window beside me. The light and warmth from the sun streamed down on me in a kaleidoscope of colors, bringing an unexpected wash of serenity to my heart. For the first time in a long time, I felt glad to be in church, even if I didn’t believe everything they taught.

  No one spoke on the way home. Mom drove the CR-V and Brig stared straight ahead, his eyes far away. I sat in the back seat, catching up on all my texts. I had a twinge of guilt that I hadn’t seen my friends much at all over summer break, and here it was, almost September. Where had the summer gone?

  It was true that I had completely engrossed myself in Alex but I didn’t regret one minute of our time together. I could be myself with him. He understood my grief even though we didn’t talk about it. That was the beauty of it. We didn’t have to define or dissect how much we missed Levi. We simply understood each other and I had no doubt he would always be my friend. The attraction turned out to be the most amazing surprise. Not that I wanted him, but how much I wanted him.

  A constant dull ache had settled into my chest, a slow burn that sparked to flames whenever he was near. His scent, the sound of his voice, the intensity in his eyes—all made me wonder how I could possibly ever feel this way about anyone else. I wanted him to be my first, maybe even my only. The thought brought a rush of warmth to my core. My face went hotter. I started contemplating birth control. Not a topic I wanted to bring up to my mother. Maybe I would talk to Vic. If I could hold off another few months, I’d be eighteen and not have to worry about talking to anyone about it.

  Eighteen—finally I had waited forever for the happy occasion when I could be on my own, go to college, travel, and see something—anything—beyond Thompson Lake. The lake felt sad with Dad gone, Grandma, and now Levi. Winters were too long, and summers zipped by like dreams.

  The short few months I’d spent with Alex were filled with a mixture of emotions that made my heart ache. Sadness was the one emotion we definitely shared. We’d lost so much. I wondered if sadness was enough to bind us together. For me, there was so much more to it than that. Yes, we had friendship, a common history, and an undeniable attraction. But mostly, I felt a deep sense of contentment inside of me every time he was near. I wanted that feeling to go on forever. His smile lit my day—and my body—on fire. Whether he felt the same was anybody’s guess. I needed to find out before I did something stupid like throwing myself at him.

  We pulled into the driveway and my heart jumped. Mrs. Cooper’s BMW sat in the parking lot of the antique shop. Alex leaned up against it, looking like a model for the Gap. Even in the warmth of an August day, he looked cool and ready for anything. Nobody should look that good in a pair of jeans. His hair brushed the collar of a sage green polo shirt, which his shoulders filled out nicely. His arms unfolded and he stood to meet us as we parked.

  “Hey, Coop. What’s up?” I asked, hopping out of the truck, my heart slamming against my ribs. I realized Alex was facing my mother and Brig for the first time since the funeral.

  “I came to see you.” He glanced from me to my mother. “All of you.”

  I thought Mom might have a meltdown and go all psycho on him, but her reaction surprised me. “Of course. Why don’t we go inside and I’ll make us a snack.”

  Alex, Brig and I all stared at her. Brig spoke first. “That’s a good idea. Come on in out of this heat.” He wrapped a bulky arm around Alex’s shoulder and pulled him toward the house. Alex looked back at me, his eyes filled with an unreadable emotion. My stomach tightened. A bad feeling percolated under the surface.

  Once we were seated around the kitchen table, my mother had crackers and cheese set out and iced tea poured before Brig had finished the small talk of “How is your mother?” and “Hasn’t it been a hot summer?”

  Alex cleared his throat and took a shallow breath as Mom sat down across from him. His tanned face was a little pale, his eyes wide and empty, and his voice came out in a monotone. “I came to tell you how sorry I am about what happened to Lee. I take full responsibility. I’ve recently come into some information which leads me to believe I gave the order to move in and Lee followed me. I wish I could tell you why…” he faltered, “but…Lee’s death…it was my call.”

  For a long moment, silence and the ticking of the wall clock filled the air. Blood pounded in my ears. No. Something wasn’t right. My mind screamed. If it was true, what now? My whole assumption was wrong? Levi didn’t kill himself? Confusion mixed with relief and then panic. I was prepared to blame Levi, or even myself, but I would never believe it was Alex’s fault.

  “No!” the word jumped out of my head and into the air. “That’s not true. It can’t be.”

  A brief desperate look peered out from behind Alex’s eyes, and then he stared straight ahead, unfocused and distant again. “I can’t apologize enough for what happened, and I hope someday you can all forgive me. But I understand if you prefer that I keep my distance from your family.” He stood, squared his shoulders and saluted Brig, who was already on his feet. “Sir, my deepest condolences.” Alex turned and walked out the front door, the screen slamming behind him.

  I gaped at the door, paralyzed. I looked to my mother, who sat staring wide-eyed, her eyes glassy from unshed tears and shock. I looked to Brig, who stood motionless, sympathy and understanding in his eyes. I raced to the door and blasted through the screen.

  “Alex Cooper! You stop right there!”

  He froze in place, half-way to his car. “I’m sorry, Jordie. I know it wasn’t what you wanted to hear.” He kept his back turned to me.

  “What I wanted was the truth. If this…if this is really the truth, then I’ll…just have to accept it…get past it and move on.” I swallowed hard, a flash of doubt creeping into my head. “It doesn’t matter. I forgive you, Coop.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. Desperation welled inside me when he didn’t respond. My voice came out in shaky stops and starts. “I can’t lose you, too. Not like this. Not now.” He took another step. My voice droppe
d to a whisper. “I love you…please…don’t go.”

  I wasn’t sure if he heard me. He stood perfectly still without even a hint of a breath. I’d said and done all I could. Now it was up to him. My fingers curled into a ball. Time stood still. Alex didn’t turn around. In fact, he strode toward his car. My heart sank, my breath caught in my throat. I would not dignify his actions by sobbing openly. I wouldn’t. I held back the tears, swiping at my face with the heels of my hands. My hurt, humiliation, and anger all screeched in my ears demanding I do something. I stood rooted to the ground. Alex pulled open the car door. I couldn’t believe he was leaving.

  Then he pulled out my Red Sox hat and turned to me. Our eyes met and we started towards each other before my feet knew what they were doing. He stopped just short of me and I wanted to throw my arms around him…or punch him in the nose. I couldn’t make up my mind. But then I saw the look in his eyes—his blank, haunted look had returned and I knew he would walk away again.

  “I found this in the rose garden,” he said.

  “I must have dropped it.” My shoulders sagged as I looked down from the hat to my feet. I felt my heart shut down, a horrible numbness taking over and stifling my tears.

  “It had Lee’s name in it. I wondered…I almost forgot he was gone for a minute.”

  “I forget sometimes, too.” I reached down deep inside myself for a happy memory that might hold us together a little longer. “Don’t you remember when Brig took us all to that game at Fenway? We each got a hat and stuffed our faces with hot dogs and soda.” I half smiled, trying to dispel the crackling tension between us.

  Alex face softened for an instant. “Yeah, right. Brig made us write our names in them so we wouldn’t mix them up. I guess I lost mine.” He looked down at the inside of the hat; LEE in faded black ink lined the rim.