“So, as long as I don’t go for the messed-up guy, you think I could try? A date, I mean.”
“Yeah.”
“And if that works, I might be ready for the next step?”
“I’m not even sure what the next step is,” Roach said, and he tried to laugh, but it sounded a bit forced even to him. He couldn’t fucking protest just because he didn’t want her dating. That was not right of him. “Just make sure… I don’t know, that he’s a good guy, and that you really want it. Don’t force yourself.”
Eliza smiled, but she looked a bit insecure, and something else. He wasn’t sure what it was, and deep inside—in his assholey parts—he hoped it wasn’t eagerness. He wasn’t sure what he hoped for, and he knew that he’d be the most supportive guy ever when she said she had a date, but it still sucked. A lot.
He smiled back. “It’ll be fine.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I Like Sprinkles
oOo
EDIE, HER MOM’S SISTER, had been Eliza’s idol before she’d ever even met her. Probably mostly because Mac and Mitch thought her backpacking through the world was so cool, and if Mac and Mitch said something was cool it most definitely was. When Edie finally moved to Greenville, she’d quickly become Eliza’s favorite person in the world. They often had Girls’ Nights together, and Vi was usually with them, too.
“What are we watching today?” she asked. “And where’s Dawg? Is he coming?”
“No,” Edie answered. “He’s away. Just us tonight. I thought we’d watch ‘A Room With a View.’ Very romantic, and they’re in Florence in the beginning of the film.”
“Have you been there?” Vi asked, and then she sighed. “Of course you have.”
Edie laughed. “Of course I have. A lot of tourists, though. Not one of my favorite places.”
She often said that, Eliza had noticed. That if there were a lot of people at some place she’d visited, it wasn’t one of her favorite places. Eliza thought about it some more, and then she asked.
“Edie, why don’t you like people?”
“Because they’re annoying,” Vi answered instead of Edie, and then she blushed. “Sorry.”
Edie laughed and gave Vi a hug. “Some people are annoying, and people in flocks almost always are. That’s why I like the places with less tourists.”
Eliza didn’t understand that. She liked people. Especially when they were looking at her.
oOo
Roach
The next week they were cleaning one of the storage rooms. Brick had said he might need it, and he wanted it cleared and ready. Eliza was unusually quiet, again; she didn’t even complain while they were working. He tried to engage her in conversation, but after a few attempts he gave up.
They had lunch together. Eliza had brought a few sandwiches, and she ate at least one of them. Then she dropped the bomb on him, and he didn’t pay attention to what she was or wasn’t eating anymore.
“I have a date.”
“Yeah? That’s great!” Did that sound honest? He hoped that sounded honest. “Really great. Who’s the guy?”
And would it be okay if he killed him if the date didn’t go well?
Roach kind of wanted to kill him, and he most definitely hoped that the reason for why he wanted to kill him wasn’t just that he was so jealous he was about to explode. And when the fuck did Eliza see anyone long enough to be asked out on a date?
“It’s Miriam’s brother. She’s one of The Green Kittens.”
“When are you going?”
“Saturday. I’m not sure where,” she mumbled.
“I’m sure he’ll think of something great.” Roach was smiling so hard his cheeks ached. “Do you know him?”
“Yeah. We were on a couple of dates, you know, before. He’s okay, I guess. Dad didn’t like him.”
“Did your dad ever like anyone you dated?”
“Not really,” she smiled.
“Did you like him?” And why the fuck did he ask that? Maybe he could just get drunk as fuck. He wanted to get drunk as fuck, and it was the first time in a long time he’d wanted that.
“He was okay. He was nice. I think I just want someone nice.”
Lately, when she’d had that look, he’d wanted to hug her, but it was at least a step up from getting a boner.
“Nice is good,” Roach agreed, and lit a smoke to keep his hands occupied and not reach out to stroke her hair. “You feeling okay about it?”
“Sure,” she smiled. “I think it’s good to just get back in the saddle, or something not quite as cliché.”
He laughed. “Did you use to date a lot?”
“Um, no, you’ve met my dad, haven’t you?”
“I have.”
“So has the rest of the town. So, no, I didn’t date much.”
Brick was a good thing to keep his mind on. The things Brick would do if Roach even hinted at having anything but brotherly love for Eliza. Which was all he should have. Anything else would be completely fucking wrong of him, no matter how she felt, which apparently wasn’t a problem, since she was about to date someone else. He would’ve loved to say that didn’t sound bitter in his own head, but it did. Really bitter, but he smiled at her again. She needed encouragement.
“It’s good that you know him, and I think it’s good to try to date.”
“You really think so?” she asked.
“Yeah. If it’s a guy you trust and know is nice, why not? Don’t think he’ll dare try anything.”
She looked at him with begging eyes. “Can we still hang out?”
“Sure. I’ll be here. Not going anywhere until you tell me to, Princess.”
“Okay. Just wanted to make sure.” She stood up. “I have to get going, but just to make sure, we’re okay?”
“A-okay. When’s the date?”
“Saturday. Are you working Saturday? In case I want to talk afterwards or something.”
“Dayshift.” He was obviously a big enough ass to hope she didn’t want to talk because he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear how fucking great the date had been. He would, though, and he would smile and tell her how fucking awesome it was, too. “Just give me a call.”
“Okay. I’ll see you.”
“See you, Princess.”
He watched her leave and then he banged his head a few times against the bar. He was such a fucking idiot.
oOo
Mel
Mel had thought the date was a good idea until she helped Eliza to get ready for it. That was when she’d started to notice Eliza didn’t seem eager at all. Not even a little. She seemed terrified, extremely stressed, and acted like she was on her way to the dentist. It most definitely didn’t seem like she was on her way to a date with a boy she liked.
“Honey, are you sure about this?” she finally asked, after Eliza had snapped and basically told Mel she was an idiot for suggesting a dress when Eliza didn’t know what to wear. “If you don’t want to, just call it off. I’m sure he understands, and if he doesn’t—fuck him.”
“No,” Eliza protested. “I need to do this. I want to.”
“You don’t need to do anything.”
“I do! I really do, I need to just… fucking move on. It’s been almost a year, I can’t… It can’t take more than a year to get over it.”
“It can take as long as you want it to. As long as you need.”
“No. You don’t understand…”
“Then explain it to me, honey. Why is this so important now? Why are you forcing yourself to do this?”
“I… I think I just need to prove something to myself. He’s a nice guy, and he knows some of what happened, so he won’t try anything, and… I need to do this.”
Mel wasn’t sure if it was a good thing that the guy knew—which Eliza was probably right about, since he was Miriam’s brother—but that wasn’t what worried her the most. It was the extreme panic in Eliza’s eyes when Mel had suggested calling it off, and she had no clue to why it was so goddamn important to go on a d
ate. It hadn’t been something she’d been doing that often even before she was taken.
“Okay,” she said and tried to calm Eliza down. She wasn’t crying, but she was a little manic. “I’ll help you.”
Eliza got dressed, Mel helped her with the hair and make-up, and then the guy picked her up. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but Mel still found it hard to breathe when Eliza got into his car.
“I don’t think this was a good idea,” she said to Brick as they drove off.
“He won’t do anything stupid.”
“No, I just think the entire idea was stupid to begin with. She seemed… manic. Like it was something she had to do, and I don’t understand why.”
Brick shrugged. “She’d decided. You know what she’s like when she decides something. No fucking stopping her then.”
Mel still had the growing feeling that this might’ve been one of those things she should’ve stopped, just put her foot down and decided for Eliza, but that rarely had a good outcome. It tended to just push her in the opposite direction. Mel knew that from experience.
“I just don’t understand why it was so important. And this guy, what was his name?”
“Thomas,” Brick answered without hesitation, and Mel had a feeling he’d be able to tell her quite a few details about Thomas if she’d asked. He might play it cool, but he didn’t like any of this any more than Mel did. She knew, and she gave him a look to tell him she knew. He sighed. “What do you want me to do? I can’t stop her, and… He seems like he’s a decent kid, she’s dated him before—”
“Which makes it even more strange that she’s trying again.”
“Maybe she’s just trying to see if she can handle it, and she’s trying with a guy she knows will be nice.”
That made some sense, but it didn’t convince Mel it was a good idea. If Eliza had told her in a calm voice, she might’ve thought so, but remembering her panicked, flustered, and stressed face made Mel think it was a really shit idea. Even without everything that had happened, she would’ve thought it was a bad idea.
oOo
Eliza
The date had been okay, or not really, but not horrible. It just felt like I couldn’t talk to him. I had nothing to say, and then I, for some insane reason, had tried to kiss him, and he’d freaked out, done the ‘turned to stone by Medusa’ thing, and mumbled something about it not being necessary and how I shouldn’t feel pressured to something I didn’t want to. I assumed that was what would always happen if someone knew what had happened to me. Or just someone who knew who my dad was.
I told him to drop me off outside Roach’s, which he seemed worried about, and by then I’d just had enough and told him to either go where I wanted to go or I’d jump out of the moving car. So he left me outside the apartment building and took off. I didn’t think we’d go on a second date, but I couldn’t have cared less.
I was in a really bad mood when I rang the doorbell, and Roach opened wearing nothing but his shorts again.
“Don’t you ever wear clothes at home?”
“My AC is pretty shit, so not really. You okay?”
“No,” I said and walked past him into the room and sat down on the couch. “It’s just… I can’t stand people. Anyone. You’re pretty much the only one I want to see, and others just annoy me, which I guess is why I want to see you all the time.”
“Did something happen?”
“No. Well, yes, but… nothing like that. He was nice. Annoyingly nice.” I tried to think about a good way to explain it. “It’s like the people who know, all they can think when I talk to them is ‘she was raped’ and ‘the girl who was raped said something funny, I should laugh to make her feel better.’ Like that’s all there is about me. But I’m more than that, and it’s so… frustrating that something that happened to me overshadows what I am to the rest of the world. Do you get what I mean?”
“Yeah,” he said and sat down next to me, and he was smiling.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“Nothing, it’s just, you said ‘raped’ twice in a sentence and didn’t even flinch. I kind of like seeing you pissed.”
I nudged his shoulder with mine. “So, think you can watch a movie with a rape victim? See, I said it again! Rape!”
He laughed. “Depends, do you wanna watch a movie with a rape victim?”
“People aren’t weird around you,” I said, and I could hear how whiny I sounded.
“They forget. You haven’t been out much. The more you’re around other people, the more they forget and see other sides of you, so they forget it. Eventually they’ll forget altogether, or you’ll meet some guy who doesn’t even know it.”
“Wouldn’t I have to tell him?”
“Why? It’s not like it’s a disease.”
“I… I have scars. In, like, places where people don’t normally have scars.” That had worried me a lot. Not just that they were there, but that people—guys—would ask about them, and there wasn’t really a good way to explain them without admitting how I got them. “Not sure I can claim they were an accident.”
“Scars fade, and until they do tell them it’s none of their business, or just that you don’t want to talk about it.”
“You make everything sound so fucking easy,” I muttered. “It’s not like the broken nose, anyone might’ve broken their nose. Other things aren’t exactly common things.”
Roach turned and looked at me.
“What?” I barked.
“This could be a really stupid thing to say, but I’d honestly never noticed your nose had been broken.”
“Really? I thought it was super obvious.”
“No. I’ve noticed the scar on your lip, and the one on your chin, but not your nose.”
“The chin was from before. I fell on the stairs when I tried to beat Mitch to the ice cream.”
“When you were a kid?”
“Sort of. I was fourteen.”
Roach started laughing, and once he’d started, he didn’t seem to be able to stop.
“Shut up!” I yelled, and then I started laughing, too. It was kind of funny when you thought about it. Mitch had certainly thought so when it happened. The only reason he’d managed to stop laughing while I had my chin stitched up was that Dad had threatened him. I hit Roach with a pillow to shut him up. “Just put on a movie.”
“Yeah,” he snorted. “I’ll get you some ice cream, too, but sit tight, wouldn’t want you to get more scars.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“I can be super nice all the time if you want me to.”
“No,” I muttered and kicked off my shoes. “Just be like you are. I like that.”
He was still chuckling when he came back with a bowl of ice cream and sat down next to me.
“You know, I bet Brick would pay if you wanted them removed. The scars I mean. I don’t know how well you can hide them, but at least a little.”
Dad had suggested it. He’d told me he’d paid for whatever I wanted done, that I didn’t have to worry about money. I had checked a little online, but never gone further than that. Initially what stopped me was simply the fact that it meant I had to show them to someone, but lately I hadn’t thought about it much. They were there, it was because of something really shitty that had happened, but it was still… not something I wanted to forget. I wanted to be over it, but I wanted to conquer it, and not just forget it. It was quite a step from that to telling someone else about it, though.
“I’m not sure I want to remove them. Is that weird?”
He shrugged. “You tell me. I don’t care much about mine, but I figured it might be different for you.”
“I don’t think it’s weird.”
“Then it’s not weird,” he said with a smile. “Eat that ice cream before my crappy AC means it’ll melt into goo.”
“For future reference: strawberry is my favorite.”
“Of course it is, since it’s pink, but I only have chocolate. I bet you want sprinkles on it, too.
”
“I like sprinkles,” I admitted.
He got up and came back from the kitchen with sprinkles.
“Barn Pals? Really?” I asked when I looked at the bottle he’d handed me. “Is the Bunny Mix your favorite?”
“Shut up or you’re not getting any sprinkles at all.”
No matter what he said, he had less of the Bunny Mix than the other flavors. I looked at him again when I handed it back to him.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I didn’t mean for the sprinkles, but, you know, for everything.”
“I know. And you’re welcome.”
The movie was another one of those where people were just running around and screaming while things exploded around them, so I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was drooling on Roach’s arm while he was poking my cheek.
“I’ll take you home,” he said when I sat up and dried off my cheek. “Think you’re fit to ride?”
“Yeah. Just… give me a sec.”
“Sure? I’ll pay for a cab.”
“No. I want to ride.”
He got dressed in the bathroom while I woke up. When he came outside he threw me a sweatshirt and his helmet. The sweatshirt smelled of him, and he caught me sniffing on it, but was nice enough to not comment on it.
The ride took away the last of the queasiness after the date. I waited for him after getting off the bike, and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to hold his hand as we walked up to the house. I didn’t know why, it just was, and he didn’t protest but instead gave my hand a light squeeze. I’d left his helmet on the bike, but was still wearing the sweatshirt, so when we were at the door, I turned towards him to tell him to wait why I took it off.
Then it happened.
He leaned in.
And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to, or anything like that, I was just so surprised I took a step back and let go of his hand. I might’ve thought I’d gotten it all wrong if it hadn’t been for the look on his face. He looked… horrified. And I wasn’t sure what that meant, either. In general, it was all really confusing, and I’d just barely opened my mouth when the door flew open and Dad was there.
“What happened?” he yelled.
Equilibrium: A Marauders Interlude Page 14