OUTCAST: A Good Guys Novel

by Jamie Schlosser

  Those nightmares where you showed up to school naked and everyone laughed? This was kind of like that.

  Only Kayla wasn’t laughing. And when her eyes finally met mine, I could’ve sworn I saw genuine affection in their depths.

  “I had no idea you felt that way, Ezra.”

  “Let’s just forget you ever saw them, okay? Please?” I didn’t even try to hide the agony in my voice. It was one thing to admire her from afar, because at least then I had the illusion that my dignity and pride were still intact.

  Now she knew I was just a poor crippled sap who’d pined for her while she was in love with someone else. Someone popular, good-looking, and strong.

  All the things I wasn’t.

  In recent months, getting to know Kayla on a deeper level had only reinforced my feelings for her. Yeah, I was in love with her, but it was more than that; I’d come to think of her as my best friend.

  But how were we supposed to continue a friendship after this? Everything was ruined.

  “I don’t want to forget about it. Why didn’t you tell me?” Kayla’s voice was full of hurt. “I’ve liked you for a long time. I thought I made my interest in you very clear.”

  Say what?

  Time seemed to stop as I blinked at her.

  Did she? I tried to think back on all our interactions and couldn’t come up with a time when it ever felt like she was hitting on me.

  Kayla had always been nice, but she was that way with everyone. She was friendly, smart, and an overachiever. People respected her for that. And I loved her for it.

  Now I understood why she was rambling about regrets and hindsight. How could I have missed this?

  “Why?” she demanded again, and I gave her the only answer I had.

  “Because I’m not good enough for you.”

  “What?” Her face screwed up.

  “I’m not smart.”

  “You got a scholarship,” she shot back, disbelief written all over her pinched features.

  “Yeah, for art, not academics.”

  “It doesn’t matter what it’s for. You got a full-freaking-ride to one of the best private colleges in the state.”

  “You’re good at everything you do. Everything,” I said vehemently. “You’re outgoing and fun. Look at all the social things you’ve been involved with at school.”

  Kayla barked out a laugh. “Good at everything? You’ve got to be kidding. The truth is I’m painfully average, at best. If you want proof that I suck, I’ll show you the Nailed It photo album.”

  “The what?”

  “And do you think I wanted to be in every club and social circle?” she went on. “I only did that because I was trying to fit in. Fake it ‘til you make it, right? If you hadn’t noticed, I kinda stick out like a sore thumb in this town.”

  “Oh, I noticed, obviously.” I gestured toward the traitorous stack of papers. “But sore thumb isn’t what I’d call it.”

  “What would you call it?”

  “Gorgeous.”

  “Oh,” she breathed out, my compliment catching her off-guard.

  “You don’t want a guy like me,” I insisted, loaded with an arsenal of reasons. “I can’t go on long, romantic walks on the beach. Dance with you all night. Take you to Disney World.”

  “I don’t care about any of those things. If I’d known about this—” Now it was her turn to point at the sketchbook. “—things would’ve been different.”

  “Different how? Different like you would’ve broken up with your football-star behemoth of a boyfriend? Different like everyone would’ve made fun of you for dating the cripple?”

  “Stop talking about yourself like that.”

  “It’s the truth.”

  “Do you really think I’m that shallow?” The question came out small and quiet, like she was afraid of the answer. “Is that how you think I see you?”

  Shit. I was hurting her feelings, and that was the last thing I wanted.

  I glanced away so I didn’t have to look at her wounded expression. “No. You’re the best person I know.”

  “Ezra.”

  Kayla’s hand cupped my cheek, turning my face toward hers. And I couldn’t help it—I found myself leaning into her touch.

  Her skin was just as soft as I’d imagined.

  And I knew she’d be just as smooth and amazing everywhere. I wanted to find out for myself, and my dick whole-heartedly agreed.

  The front of my jeans got tighter as I imagined grazing her nipples with my fingertips. Her flat stomach. Grabbing fistfuls of her luscious ass. God, she had a great ass.

  Our faces were closer now. So close, I could see all the variations of green in her eyes and her warm breath puffed against my chin. The blue light from the radio casted shadows on all the hills and valleys of her beautiful features.

  I’d be drawing her just like that later so I could keep the image forever.

  I wanted so badly to press my lips to hers.

  Instead, I let our foreheads touch and said, “If I ever kiss you, it won’t be when part of your heart belongs to someone else.”

  And before I could lose whatever was left of my self-control, I grabbed my sketchbook and got the hell out of her car.

  Well, shit.

  That did not go as planned.

  I watched Ezra bound up his front steps, his blond hair glowing from the porch light as he hurried to the door. He didn’t even look back before he disappeared inside.

  Dumbfounded, I sat in his driveway for several long seconds, replaying the last ten minutes in my mind on an endless, humiliating loop.

  The first time I ever tried to kiss someone, my lips were met with nothing but air.

  I’d thought he was going to do it there for a second before he bolted. When his forehead pressed to mine, I closed my eyes, waiting for it.

  My lips still tingled with anticipation for the kiss that never came.

  Lightly touching my fingers to my mouth, I held in a sob as I put the car in reverse and backed away. My entire body stung from Ezra’s rejection. Not that I could blame him. In his mind, I was a desperate girl on the rebound. Even worse, a cheater.

  By the time I got back to Gavin’s, most of the partygoers had filtered out. Only a few pairs of making out couples littered the living room, along with a shit ton of cups. Someone had spilled a bowl of chips on the carpet, but at least I didn’t see any vomit. That was a win.

  Gavin was nowhere in sight, but I knew where to find him.

  I clomped down the basement stairs, my flip-flops slapping against the bottoms of my feet, until I made it off the bottom step. Gavin’s large form was on the sectional couch. The only light filling the room was from some sports channel on the big screen TV.

  Slumping down onto the cushion next to him, I silently willed away the ugly cry threatening to come to the surface.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, hitting the mute button and turning his hazel eyes my way.

  He knew me so well. Even in the silent darkness he could sense my dismal mood.

  “I tried to kiss Ezra Johnson,” I blurted out.

  Brushing his dark hair off his forehead, he chuckled. “Of course you did. Wait, what do you mean ‘tried?’”

  “He turned me down. Hard. And wait, what do you mean ‘of course you did?’”

  “You think I don’t know you’ve got a major lady-boner for the kid? Come on, Kayla. Give me some credit.”

  Gasping, I pushed at his shoulder. “It’s one of the only secrets I’ve ever kept from you. I’ve worked really hard at keeping it to myself.”

  Gavin gave me a look.

  “You tutor him in math,” he deadpanned. “Honey, you’re not that good at math.”

  Laughing, I gave him another shove.

  “I got good at it. I had to because I needed a neutral setting where I wouldn’t scare him off.” I frowned. “Although, I definitely did that tonight. He’ll probably never talk to me again, and that’ll be really awkward in the fall when we see each
other.”

  What I didn’t say was that I didn’t understand Ezra. Not after what I’d found out. It should’ve been simple—he liked me, I liked him. Kissing was supposed to ensue.

  But he thought I had a boyfriend. I kept forgetting that minor detail.

  “It’s my fault,” Gavin said quietly. I started to shake my head, but he continued. “I’ve been so selfish with you. I got more out of this friendship than you did.”

  “That’s not true. Not even a little bit.” Tears filled my eyes.

  “I held you back. I know that. I’ll never be able to repay you for what you’ve done.” There was so much gratefulness in his voice. “But I won’t be in the way much longer.”

  That only made me cry harder. “What the hell, Gavin? Way to rub salt in the wound.”

  “Sorry.” Chuckling at my uncharacteristic emotional breakdown, he picked up the box of tissues from the coffee table.

  I took one and mopped at my face. “Why does everything have to be so complicated? You’re moving away. Ezra might hate me now. Everything is changing.”

  His giant arm engulfed my shoulders as he drew me in for a hug. “It’s supposed to change.”

  “I know, but that doesn’t make it easier.”

  “Our lives are just beginning, Kayla. I’m excited for what’s coming next, and you should be too. It’s gonna be awesome, I can feel it.”

  “I hope you’re right.” I looked up at him. “I hope things are great for you, Gavin.”

  “You too. Just promise me one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Stop straightening your hair.” He flicked at my locks. “It’s giving you split ends.”

  I laughed. “You’re as bad as John.”

  “I’m just kidding. You’re beautiful no matter what.” He was quiet for several seconds, then said, “I want you to tell Ezra.”

  “Tell him what?”

  “About me. It’s only complicated because he doesn’t know the truth. And the way you looked at him tonight… it was different than before. I’ve never seen you like that.”

  I didn’t want to tell Gavin about the sketchbook, because it was personal to Ezra. So I just agreed, “Things are different.”

  He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Tell him. I have a feeling he’ll be cool about it.”

  “I think so too,” I said, perking up.

  Keeping Gavin’s secret had never been a burden, but being able to confide in Ezra would take a weight off my shoulders. It was the best solution to my problem. He’d finally understand that my heart didn’t belong to anyone else—only him.

  Drying the last of my tears, I switched gears on the conversation with Gavin. “So when do you leave for California?”

  “Ten days.” Excitement practically oozed from him. He couldn’t wait to get away from here.

  “I’ll miss you like crazy. You know that, right?”

  “Of course,” he said cockily, puffing out his chest.

  I rolled my eyes. “Good luck finding a new best friend who’ll put up with that attitude.”

  His amusement faded. “I’ll miss you, too. No matter what happens, we’ll always be friends,” he reassured me seriously. Then his tone turned playful. “Even when you and Ezra get married and ride off into the sunset without me.”

  I let out cynical snort. “Right. Well, when I get married you better be prepared to be my best man.”

  Gavin gave me a wistful smile before resting his cheek on the top of my head. “And you’ll always be my best lady.”

  All night long, I dreamed of Kayla. Of her hand on my cheek. Her sugary scent. Her lips against mine. Our bodies naked and entwined, sweat slicking our skin.

  As I woke up, reality hit me. I was alone in my bed, burrowed under my blue comforter. The warmth I felt was my own body heat and there was no sugary scent to be found on my pillow.

  A familiar hollow ache sat heavy in my chest, brimming with loneliness and longing.

  It was worse than usual, because last night had given me a tiny taste of what it was like to be wanted. It was like having a carrot dangled in front of my face, only to have it snatched away.

  I groaned as I opened my eyes, squinting against the daylight coming through the window. Raindrops pelted off the glass and thunder rolled in the distance. Perfect day to lay in bed all day, wallowing in shameless self-pity.

  I had another familiar ache, but it was a little lower.

  Slipping my hand into my boxer briefs, I grasped my morning wood and squeezed.

  Rubbing one out to thoughts of Kayla was just about as normal as breathing, and with the dreams fresh in my mind it wouldn’t take long.

  I thought about the way she looked at me last night, and I imagined what it would’ve been like if I hadn’t been such a pussy. If I’d just accepted whatever she was offering, even if it wasn’t mine to take.

  I imagined her tongue pushing past my lips and her fingers running through my hair.

  Stroking my erection from base to tip, I pretended it was her hand around my cock. My balls drew up tight as I tightened my grip. Up and down. Over and over. Faster.

  I wondered what sounds she’d make when I slid my hand into her jeans, cupping her hot—

  The doorbell rang, and I went still, listening and waiting for my parents to answer it. The chime rang again, then knocking followed.

  Damn.

  Tucking my hard-on up against my stomach, I quickly threw on a pair of black gym shorts and a clean T-shirt. I hobbled down the steps and opened the front door to the last person I expected to see.

  “Kayla.”

  She gave me a timid smile. “You got a second to talk?”

  “Sure.” I reluctantly closed the door behind me, and like a perv, my eyes went straight to her ass as she strolled across my porch. The white skinny jeans she had on fit her shape like a glove.

  I forced my eyes away to the front yard, and when I did, I noticed my car sitting in the driveway.

  “Did you bring my car back?”

  Kayla turned and smiled at me. “Gavin helped. I drove it here and he followed in my car. He decided to jog back to his house.” She shrugged. “Sorry if you’re weird about other people driving your car, but I really enjoyed the punk CD you’ve got playing.”

  My brain short circuited for a second because if she was with Gavin this morning, that meant she’d probably stayed with him last night.

  Fuck. Not what I wanted to think about right now. The mental image of her doing something as innocent as cuddling in bed with someone else sent a jolt of white-hot rage through me. Maybe it was testosterone, but as I got older, it became harder to tamp down the possessiveness I felt toward her.

  Rubbing at my temple, I shook my head. “That was nice of you. Thanks.”

  Kayla sat on the old wicker swing and patted the spot next to her. I walked over to it, trying my best to conceal my uneven gait and failing. Between morning stiffness and the rain, my pain was on another level.

  Frowning, she watched me as I carefully eased into the seat. “Are you still hurting from the fall on Friday?”

  “No. The weather makes it act up.” I gestured to the wet drizzle and the clouds. “Barometric pressure and all that fun stuff.”

  She placed her hand over my thigh above the knee, and I bit my lip to stifle a groan.

  Regret flashed across her face, and she moved her arm away like she’d been burned. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “Don’t be sorry. It felt nice. The heat from your hand… heat helps.”

  “Oh,” she said, an attractive blush blooming on her cheeks.

  She put her hand back and started making light massaging motions, kneading my aching muscles and tendons. My mind went straight to the gutter, picturing those delicate fingers wrapped around my dick. The slinky material of my shorts was a thin barrier, and it almost felt like her hand was on my bare skin.

  If I’d known she was coming over, I would’ve put on pants. I usually kept my leg covered, b
ecause there were several visible scars. Although, most of them were concealed by leg hair now. Thanks, puberty.

  Kayla’s thumb dug into a particularly sore spot, and I let out a grunt.

  “That—that feels really good.”

  With a nod, she hummed and traveled higher up my thigh. It felt too good. I needed to concentrate on something else because flimsy shorts were terrible for hiding a raging hard-on.

  Clearing my throat, I locked my gaze onto hers.

  “I’m sorry I left things the way I did last night. It wasn’t that I didn’t want you—well, that’s obvious from my sketchbook.” My face burned with humiliation over her discovery, but there was no reason to pretend it didn’t exist. “It never occurred to me that you might’ve returned my feelings. I’m just…”

  I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t willing to share her, but my train of thought derailed. Because her hand on my leg, the sweet smell emanating from her skin, my heart splayed wide open for her—it was overwhelming and consuming. I wanted to stay in this moment, where we could both pretend we were the only people who existed.

  Glancing away, I focused on the old wooden slabs on the porch underneath my bare feet. The once-white paint was dirty and peeling in some places. Dad and Jimmy would probably strip it and repaint it soon. They wouldn’t ask me to help. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t.

  “Please look at me,” Kayla requested quietly, and I did as she said. “When I said things would’ve been different, I meant we could’ve been together and I wouldn’t have given a damn about what anyone had to say about it.”

  “Why?” I was thoroughly confused. How could she possibly choose someone like me over one of the most sought-after guys at school? Everyone loved Gavin, especially the girls.

  “Because—” She swallowed hard. “—because like I said last night, I feel the same about you. I’ve had a crush on you for a really long time.”

  I blinked. “But what about Gavin?”

  “Gavin is my best friend, not my boyfriend. When we started spending a lot of time together, everyone assumed we were a couple.” Biting at the thumbnail on her free hand, she hiked a shoulder. “We didn’t correct them.”