Love & Rum

by Dani McLean

  “Of course.”

  I barely stopped myself from slamming David’s door shut behind me. It still closed loudly enough that I was sure they heard it in the conference room, but hopefully, they didn’t think too much of it.

  “What’s going on?” Even to myself, it sounded shrill.

  “Audrey, I think you should sit down.”

  My body was buzzing with impotent anxiety. “I don’t want to sit down, David. I want you to tell me what is going on. Why am I only finding out now that there was an issue yesterday? And why was a decision allowed to be made by the two interns, who, may I remind you, have only worked here a few weeks, instead of me, your most senior account manager?”

  David slid into his seat, the very picture of calm.

  I was trying, really I was, not to blow up in his face. But it was a very close thing. Instead, I gripped the back of a chair and blew out a hot breath. “And what if they hadn’t been able to get Jeff’s customers to lend us the furniture? What if they’d antagonized the hire company against helping us out in the future? I have to work with these people, David. I don’t appreciate being undermined by some toddlers who just so happened to get a degree.”

  His voice was stern, and I could tell I was close to pushing my luck. “Audrey, calm down.”

  I forced myself to take a deep breath, pushing through the ache in my chest but made no move to sit.

  Leaning his elbows on his desk, David continued, more softly now, “Audrey, do you know why I sent you home yesterday?”

  I balked, remembering. “Because I was distracted.” Because I’d forgotten myself.

  “Because you were so distracted, you sent the hire company the wrong information, which resulted in us needing to find a solution.”

  Oh.

  “Exactly.” The caring tone of his voice did nothing to soothe my frayed nerves. “Luckily, someone caught it and called to confirm. Winnie wanted to check in with you, but I told them not to bother you with it. I made sure they didn’t make any decisions without my ok, and I thought you’d be happy that they’d fixed the issue without worrying you. It saved you additional stress, and it all worked out in the end.”

  I should have been glad that he didn’t look angry, but it barely helped. I was angry. I’d fucked up. Months and months of late nights and stress and taking it all on myself, and in a single moment, I’d almost ruined it.

  Just like I’d ruined things with Jackson.

  “David, I’m so sorry.”

  “Audrey, it’s ok.”

  “No, it’s not. I let you down. I promised you I could handle it, and I couldn’t.”

  He thought this over, drumming his fingers on the table before changing tact. “You know, Winnie and Jet came to me because they felt they weren’t helping out enough with the launch. Which you’ll remember we discussed recently.”

  I averted my eyes to the floor, feeling appropriately chastised.

  “They knew how heavy your workload was and saw an opportunity to lighten it, and I encouraged them to step up. Take on more responsibilities. And yesterday, that meant making a call without consulting you. I believe you owe them some gratitude.”

  And all I could think was, what was the point of all those late nights? All the time and energy that I poured into this, when at the end of the day, I’d abandoned my work for my relationship.

  Thank god Winnie and Jet had been here.

  God, what David must think of me right now. How disappointed he must be in me.

  And the interns, I’d been so shitty to them since they started, hoarding my workload and pushing them off to the junior managers.

  Had I even thanked them? Not just today, but ever? Surely I must have, but for some reason, I couldn’t remember a single time. Fuck.

  And they tried so hard. Always doing any job given to them with a smile on their faces. Willing to learn and eager for me to teach them, but I’d been so preoccupied doing everything myself. Preoccupied with Jackson.

  My guilt multiplied. Honestly, David should just take the launch off of me until I got my shit together.

  All the air deflated out of me, and I crashed down into one of the chairs across from David’s desk. “You really think I’ve been doing too much?”

  “Yes. It’s all I’ve been trying to tell you for the last six months. Slow down, relax, use the team. Why do you think I hired Winnie and Jet in the first place? But you refused to let anyone help you.”

  “Because I knew I could do it myself.”

  “Audrey.” And oh, he sounded so disappointed. “Why did you come to work with me when I started this place?”

  This was easy to answer. “Because I believed in your idea. I believed in you, and I wanted to work for you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because …” Realization hit me, and I sighed. “Because you’re the best boss I ever had. You always trusted me to do my job and gave me opportunities no one else had.”

  He didn’t reply, only tilted his head with a knowing look in that mother hen sort of way that should have frustrated me but instead made me smile back at him until I rolled my eyes. “Okay, okay, you’ve made your point.”

  “I suspect that isn’t the only reason you’re upset. Can I ask what is happening with that man of yours, or would you rather not talk about it?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. It’s over.”

  And oh, God, the look of empathy on his face really sharpened the knife.

  “You always give 110 percent, kiddo. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I don’t know if you’re even able to give any less. When you want something, really feel passionate, you throw yourself into it. Why do you think I wanted you for Bespoke? You have a spark in you, Audrey, and when you decide to shine that light on something, you’re blinding. You need to try and find more balance—lord knows you work yourself to the bone, but please, don’t dull that spark. Not for me, not for him, not even for yourself. You’re something special, and if I had to guess, it’s part of why he loves you.”

  David walked around his desk to hand me a tissue, and it was only then that I realized I’d started crying. Perfect.

  He perched on the edge of his desk. “What about working here is different than working at Empire?”

  I was surprised by the change of subject, sniffling as I thought of my answer. “Because it doesn’t feel like I’m just grinding away for nothing. I have purpose here.”

  “You might not feel like you’re slaving away for someone else, but I think you’re still going. You’re just doing it to yourself now.” David’s lip curled into a concerned smile. “You need to have something else, Audrey. Something for you. If this all failed tomorrow, I’d still have Nicky, and that would be enough for me. I would hope you had something just as special to keep you going.”

  That thought stopped me in my tracks. I did have something. Someone. And yesterday, I’d walked away from it.

  “I won’t tell you work isn’t important. I would never have started this place otherwise. But it’s not your identity, Audrey, any more than your partner or life outside is. And it’s also not solely up to you. And when there were other people involved, you need to trust them to help.”

  Trust. So elusive, so fragile.

  David had mine. I’d followed him here from Empire because I trusted him implicitly. And I understood now that he had that same trust in me.

  Winnie and Jet had earned it, despite all my efforts.

  And Jackson. Who’d listened and waited and allowed me into his life, his home, his family. Who’d leaned into his—frankly misguided—rep of a womanizer to keep me out of the public eye for a little bit longer. Who had a career he cared about but always made time to ask about mine, who sought out ways he could help, no matter how small.

  Who’d trusted me with his feelings. And I’d been too scared to trust him with mine.

  Who saw the person I was and loved her.

  Not who I could be. Not who I thought I was. Not who he could make me.

&nb
sp; Just me.

  Fuck.

  Jackson hadn’t been the one missing work; that had been me. He’d never minded if I couldn’t text for a few hours or had to work late; I had.

  “But how do you make it work?”

  “Together usually helps.”

  It didn’t matter if David was referring to work or love; it was true for both, I realized.

  I was going to have to fix this.

  Drying my eyes, I felt oddly renewed. Now that the cloud of melancholy had lifted, determination set in. I might not be able to fix everything with Jackson—or even have the faintest clue how to—but I could at least do the right thing by Jeff and Julie.

  I stood in one clean movement, collected myself, and said, “Shall we?” before heading back into the conference room, my head clearer and my steps sure.

  “Alright,” I started as soon as I opened the door. “It seems we have some work to do in the next two weeks. Jeff, I’m going to need you to provide us a list of all the people you’ve spoken with about the furniture—Jet, you work with him to collect the names of the pieces and their phone numbers and get on the phone to our delivery partner and arrange for transport to the venue on the day.” Jet was already furiously taking notes as I spoke.

  “Winnie, I want you to continue to manage the hire company. Great job, by the way, and start working more closely with the caterer and bar staff to make sure that everyone is aligned. Do you feel you’re comfortable with that?” Winnie nodded enthusiastically, her smile splitting her face.

  “Julie, it’s going to be a busy two weeks finalizing the launch, so I’ll have to limit any trips to you, but I’d like to come by tomorrow to collect a sample set of stock for the launch so that we can test the cocktails. I also think it would be a good idea for you both to come in next week for a tasting before the launch, of course, or I can discuss bringing the mixologist to you if that isn’t feasible.”

  Julie gave me a warm smile. “Jeff and I can definitely make something work for next week, Audrey.” Although Jeff looked a little less convinced about that, he made no move to contradict her and was still smiling in my direction.

  I gave a short, sharp nod. “Ok, I think that’s it for now, but we’ll make sure to keep you updated on our progress as we get closer. Before you leave today, I’d like to finalize the invoice, but after that, you’re free to head back to the distillery.”

  “First, I think we should at least enjoy some of these pastries my husband made.” David said, motioning to the tray of treats before us, then, raising his coffee mug, he added, “And toast to a successful launch.”

  And even though my heart was broken, I felt maybe everything could still work out alright.

  33

  Jackson

  I was tired. That’s all I could think as I rolled over in bed late Saturday morning. Usually, I would have been at the gym, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. After a week of working non-stop to distract myself, I’d been left exhausted and flat.

  I’d woken in the morning to the same empty bed. The same quiet apartment. Apart from one obvious thing, very little had changed in my life, yet it felt like everything had. The space I used to be happy to have to myself now felt too large.

  It was missing one specific piece.

  Years of being content to wake up alone after meaningless affairs now felt hollow as I remembered the joy of having someone to wake up to, someone to cook breakfast for.

  I wanted to hear her laugh, light and airy. Pull her close and wrap my arms around her. I wanted all the moments outside of sex—the conversations, the kisses, the quiet.

  But what could I do?

  I’d laid out how I felt, and Audrey had left.

  Maybe it was better this way. Clearly, the way I’d handled the interview and our fight were proof enough that I had no idea how to be in a relationship. Audrey had been right about that.

  I could have saved us both a lot of pain if I’d never gone back to the bar and let her get on with her life.

  I didn’t even blame her for leaving; I’d called her no one, then threw her failed marriage in her face. Of all the things I could have said, that might have been the worst one.

  Even Terry had questioned me afterward, and Sarah had been on my case as well, only making me feel worse.

  And the comments … I’d already stopped myself a few times from setting them straight, telling them how amazing Audrey was, but that would mean dragging her further into this mess, and that was the last thing I wanted.

  As much as I missed her, I wasn’t going to reach out. I knew I couldn’t take the rejection. My pride stood in the way of that, at least.

  When my phone rang, I answered without checking the caller ID, not allowing any hope that it was Audrey on the other side.

  “Your offer worked, my man! I’m looking at your contract right now. Two more seasons and an extra zero for both of us. Great thinking with that podcast, by the way.”

  Glad that he couldn’t see my wince, I said, “Thanks, Terry, that’s great news.” And in truth, I was pleased about it, but it was difficult to find the energy to get excited.

  “You ok, J?”

  I waved him off. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.” A thought occurred. “Hey, will tomorrow work for me to sign those? I’ve got something to do today.”

  “Of course. Call me tomorrow. We’ll tee something up.”

  After my conversation with Terry, I messaged Sarah.

  Me: Are you still at mom and dad’s today?

  Sarah: Yeah

  Me: Tell them I’m on my way.

  As I stretched out the last knots in my back, my mind cleared.

  It would be a good thing. They’d talk some sense into me.

  The train ride was shorter than I remembered. Sarah was waiting for me at the station, and although the drive back to our parent’s house was short, she still managed to grill me.

  “Wow, Jace, you look like shit.”

  “Thanks, I feel like shit.” I kept my eyes on the passing buildings. “Audrey and I broke up.”

  “Oh, Jace. I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks. I’ll be fine. I think. I just …”

  Sarah stole a look in my direction at a red light. “Feel like your heart’s been ripped out and thrown into a blender?”

  It was a morbid joke, but it still made me smile. “Yeah.”

  “Aw, your first heartbreak.”

  “Little soon to be rubbing it in, Sarah.”

  Sarah looked appropriately sheepish. “Sorry.”

  “It’s ok.”

  We spent the next twenty minutes rehashing the breakup. When I’d finished, we’d arrived at our parent’s house. “Did I completely fuck up?” I asked as I unlocked the front door.

  Sarah led us to the kitchen and pulled out the tin of homemade cookies that Mom always managed to have on hand for emergencies. “No! You said yourself that you hadn’t talked about how to handle the press. You went with your gut, and that’s the best you could have done. You don’t know that it would have worked out any better if you’d decidedly differently. And I know it sucks, but you can’t regret telling someone how you feel. It’s always a gamble when you love someone. That’s what makes it so great but so damn scary.”

  We hovered in the kitchen, taking turns devouring the cookie stash. It felt like it could have been ten years ago if it weren’t for how grown-up Sarah looked now. Here was my married baby sister, finally in a position to give me dating advice.

  She swallowed and said, “Shit, I feel bad for basically telling you to go for it at the wedding.”

  “Don’t. I would have done it anyway. I was sure she’d felt the same.” These cookies were good. Maybe I’d get the recipe off Mom.

  “So was I!” Sarah said, disappointed. “You should have seen the way she looked at you. I thought it was obvious.”

  I threw an arm around her shoulders for a brief hug. “We both did.”

  “You’re here!” Mom’s first move when she entered the kitchen
was to pull the tin away from Sarah and me. “And you’ll ruin lunch if you keep eating these.”

  “Hi, Mom.” Her hug was comforting.

  Dad was a few steps behind her. “Jackson, this is a surprise. I didn’t know you were coming over.”

  “It was a spur of the moment decision.”

  He brought me in for a hug. “I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “Actually, I have something I need to talk to you about, too.”

  I followed him into the small back room he’d turned into an office, although he used it more for reading. As such, the space was cluttered with books and journals on every surface, a moat of words surrounding the two worn armchairs that sat by the window.

  Dad settled into one, and I followed suit, already planning how I would propose this to him. I could guess how this conversation would go, knowing dad, and my best approach would be not to allow him to derail me.

  “I got some good news today,” I said, pleased when Dad indicated to go on. “So, you’ll remember that when I signed on for the show originally, it was a long shot. None of us had any sort of fan base, and no one knew how popular the show would be, so I took what they offered, which wasn’t much, but more than I had been getting at that point.”

  He nodded. “I remember.”

  “And I think I’ve told you before that as the show has gotten bigger, they’ve refused to change our contracts, even though they’re making a lot of money off of us right now.”

  He nodded again.

  “Well, we finally managed to secure an increase, and I wanted to use the money to help you and Mom—”

  “No.”

  “Dad,” I started, but he didn’t let me continue.

  “No, Jackson. It doesn’t matter how you were planning on finishing that sentence because there’s no way your mother and I will accept your money.”

  I pushed forward in the chair, sitting on the edge, determined to convince him. “Look, I know how much you guys struggled with money when Sarah and I were growing up, and that doesn’t even come close to what you had to do to support me through my career. And you’re both still working. I want you and Mom to be able to retire. Enjoy some time together. And now I’m in the position to look after you for a change—”