by Kyle Autumn
“No,” he says, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “I won’t stay long.”
An awkward silence hangs over our heads, so I gesture for him to come through the house to the living room. When we get there, we take seats across from each other. He leans back, extending his arm over the top of the couch, and I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees.
“So…” I stretch the word out, waiting for him to take the lead here.
“So.” He brushes his fingers over his mouth, holding my gaze. “Is, um, she…”
“She’s not here,” I tell him succinctly. This is the last topic I want to have a conversation with him about.
I’ve never wanted to “win” Nic from Mason. I just wanted her—period. So I wouldn’t ever brag to my brother that I “got” her. Yet I don’t even “have” her at the moment, so there isn’t much else to say. Especially when he’s the one having a baby with her.
“Okay.” He presses his palms on his thighs and starts to glance around the room. “You have a nice place, Aidan. It looks like you’ve done well for yourself.”
I slowly nod. “Yeah, I have. Thanks.” As I look at my living room and my kitchen, I try to see it through his eyes.
The furniture is a little old, but I’m the only one who uses it, so it’s been kept in decent condition. There isn’t a lot of clutter, and the sparse decorations I do have on the coffee table are more functional than purely for show. The kitchen has some fruit on the counter, and my toaster doesn’t move from its spot by the oven, but other than that, the room is clean and organized.
It feels…lonely.
So I try to picture what a better life would look like here. I see throw pillows Nic picked out. Dishes with a pattern that Nic felt would complement the placemats she’d picked out the week before. Toddler toys in a bucket over by the TV. Nic, standing by the sink, filling a glass with water, her swollen belly causing her to lean a little more forward than usually necessary when she isn’t pregnant—with my child.
My house would feel more like a home with Nic in it. But she’s slipping from my fingers like sand on the beach. And, this time, there’s nothing I can do to stop her, no matter how much I want to.
So I swallow hard and prepare myself to put the final nail in the coffin. “I guess I have to say congratulations.” I can’t even look at him as I say it, and I hope he doesn’t hear how my voice catches on the last word. Luckily, he can’t see my stomach churning and the sudden nausea it’s causing.
Mason’s quiet for a second, but then he shifts on the couch. “Oh, thanks, man. I didn’t think she told you, but thanks.”
Why she wouldn’t tell me is beyond me. It changes every fucking thing about our relationship, so of course she’d have told me.
Well, she actually didn’t, but that’s beside the point.
I know. That’s all that matters.
“It’s exciting stuff, huh.” I put one elbow on the side of the chair and rest my head in my hand, trying to stay casual here. Even though my insides are knotting and regret is eating away at me.
There’s nothing like a lethal reminder that you should have manned up instead of letting the woman of your dreams ride off into the sunset with someone else. Especially when you finally got the girl only to be just a little too late. Seriously, she can’t be too far along, so if I’d only responded to that text three months ago… I could have prevented all of this. I could be happy right now, in bed with Nic, not sitting across from the man who gets to raise a child with her.
Fuck.
“Yeah, it is,” Mason says, putting his right ankle on his left knee. The smile on his face is unmistakable: he’s proud. And I want to be sick. “This trip here finalizes everything. Once the paperwork has been filed, it’ll be official.”
I squint at him. None of that makes sense. “What paperwork?”
“Well, yeah,” he says slowly. “The sale has to go through all the proper channels, but the board at Launchpad has offered to buy my company. Once that’s done, I get to do what I really want to do.”
My eyes narrow even further as I raise my head. “You’re selling your company?”
He narrows his eyes too, lowering his eyebrows. “Yeah, man. That’s why I’m here.” Then he tilts his head to the side. “If you didn’t know that, then what were you talking about?”
After my eyes widen in surprise, I wipe a hand down my face. He doesn’t know. He has no idea he’s going to be a father. And I really don’t want to be the one to tell him.
“Look, is Veronica going to be here soon?” Mason drops his foot back to the ground, resting his hand his knee. “I was hoping to see her before I left. I want to make sure she’s okay.”
“I have no idea,” I admit. “I haven’t seen her in two days.”
“Seriously?” He raises an eyebrow, looking genuinely shocked. “She said she wouldn’t but…I figured she’d… Well, you know.”
“No, Mason. I don’t,” I spit out. I don’t need any of these reminders.
He pinches the bridge of his nose, releasing a heavy breath. “You know, I don’t want to have this discussion just as much as you don’t want to have it, but I’m thinking it’s for a different reason than I thought.” After a sigh, he says, “Are you two not…”
“Together?” I finish for him before giving him a small head shake. “No. Not anymore.”
“Anymore?” he questions, perking up. “What happened?”
It’s my turn to sigh. I don’t know how I can dance around Nic’s private business, but Mason has a right to know he’s going to be a father. And maybe she couldn’t tell me, but she should have told him.
“I don’t think I can be,” I tell him. “Not when she’s…” I trail off, warring with myself about what to do here.
After a few beats, he gets my attention by bending forward, dipping his head, and staring at me. “No. No way, man. Don’t even do that to her.”
I reel my head back, that confused squint returning. “Me? You don’t want me to leave her? How can you even say that?”
Mason stands, rising to his full height and stabbing a finger off to his side. “Because that woman deserves more than I could ever give her. She deserves to be happy, with you, even if it means she can’t give you the one thing you’ve always wanted.”
All I can do is blink because none of this makes sense. So I stand up too, my brow growing a deeper crease as I stare at my big brother. “What in the fuck are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?” he roars at me. “How could you possibly not want to be with that woman when it’s everything you’ve ever wanted?”
I take a menacing step forward and loom over him. “What the hell did you just say? You’ve known this entire time?”
“Everyone’s known!” he screams in my face. “She was never meant to be with me and we both know it.”
“Then why the hell would you go behind my back and get with her?” I rake a rough hand through my hair, my other hand on my hip. Anger pulses through me as regret and a healthy dose of what the fuck is going on? punch me in the gut.
“Because of Dad! Both of our dads! Her dad wanted her with me over you, and ours wanted me with someone who would make me as successful as he wanted me to be.” With this confession, he deflates a little, settles down some. “But then he died and I’d already asked her to be with me. And it was what she needed to get her dad off her back too. We never had that conversation, but that’s exactly why we stayed together. And exactly why we never got married. Because we both knew we weren’t meant to be.”
“So, what, you fucking cheated on her? Instead of just breaking up with her?”
“Aidan,” he says as if that is all he needs to say. “If I’d broken up with her and she came running to you, would you have been satisfied that she actually wanted you?”
Folding my arms over my chest, I say, “Are you seriously trying to tell me you fucked around on her so she’d leave you and make it easier for me?”
He
shakes his head, hanging it. “No, I’m not. That was a horrible mistake on my part, but you can’t say it doesn’t help things.”
My lungs start to ache like I’ve run a marathon with all the heavy breathing I’m doing. The room starts to spin as I take in this new information, and I’m so damn confused from all of this. I press my fingers into my eyes to find some kind of steady balance, but it doesn’t work.
Mason continues. “She wanted to leave me months ago, but I couldn’t give her up that easily. I knew I’d fucked up, but she’s Veronica, man. Who wouldn’t do anything to be with a woman like her?”
“If you really have to ask me that…” I seethe, my eyes still covered.
“I don’t have to. I can tell. And that’s the point.” He’s quiet for a moment. Then he says, “So don’t let something like her not being able to have kids get in the way of you two being hap—”
I wrench my hand away from my eyes and stare my brother down between rapid blinks to clear my vision. “What?” I couldn’t have heard him right.
“I said that you can’t let her being unable to get pregnant keep you two apart. You can adopt or foster or something to have that family you’ve always wanted…” He trails off and follows me as I start to pace between the living room and my kitchen.
“She can’t get pregnant?” I repeat to make sure I have this right. How can that possibly be?
“No.” Mason stops walking.
That makes me stop too. “So she’s not having your baby?”
“Having my baby?” He laughs, but it’s void of all humor. “Yeah, right. We tried for years, thinking a kid might make things different, but I suspect neither of us really wanted to do that. Luckily, it never happened, but she found out a week ago, when she came back home with me, that she can’t have kids.” He splays his hands out to his sides. “She didn’t tell you?”
I rack my brain to remember the conversation. Jeremy thought she was pregnant and tried to get her to tell me, but she never said she was, did she? She just kept saying we should talk in private. And we fucking should have because all of this could have been avoided. But we didn’t. And she wanted us to because this is definitely a conversation she and I should have had alone.
She can’t have kids?
That’s the only thing rolling around in my mind, but I manage to answer my brother with, “No. No, she didn’t.”
Because I didn’t give her a damn chance.
***
Nic
“How are you doing?” Cadence asks me for the fourth time tonight. She’s doting on me like she would her own child, which she’ll actually have soon. And, as soon as I’m done feeling sorry for myself, I’ll be excited for her. “Can we get you anything?”
I shake my head. “No. I’ll be fine. But I appreciate you guys letting me be here tonight. I don’t really want to be alone.”
Amelia comes back to the couch with cookies, ice cream, potato chips, and pretzels—our second round of treats, seeing as we already demolished the pastries she baked earlier all in the name of celebrating the night before Cadence’s wedding day. “We’re glad you’re here! Even if Aidan’s being how he is, you’re still part of our little family.” She hands the cookies to Dani, who nods.
“Seriously,” Dani says, opening the package of cookies from her spot on the floor in front of me. “I can use all the older, positive female influences I can get for me and this one.” She rubs her belly and holds the cookies out to me. “I think you’re stuck with us.” Then she peeks over her shoulder and her face falls. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry.”
I wave a hand in the air, gulping my tears back. “It’s okay. You guys don’t need to walk on eggshells with me. I’ll get a handle on this soon. I’m just super emotional right now.”
“Me too,” Dani agrees. “I cried the other day when I burned a batch of brownies at the bakery. Amelia tried to say it wasn’t a big deal, but it really was for some reason.” She starts to chuckle about it now, which makes me do the same thing.
“Me three!” Cadence pops the container of ice cream open and crushes a few potato chips into it. “A commercial about deodorant made me burst into tears yesterday. Honestly, I’m only nine weeks along. I can’t imagine seven more months like this.”
We all laugh lightly and then peer at Amelia, who hasn’t yet contributed.
She flings her hands, palms out, into the air. “Don’t look at me! The only buns in my oven are made at the bakery right now.”
After another round of giggles from the group, I clear my throat. “But do you guys want to have kids?”
A wistful expression covers her face as she takes a seat on the couch next to Cadence. “Honestly, I don’t know. We’re still so new. Jeremy’s still really young. And I see myself with him forever. Clearly,” she chuckles, gesturing a hand around her living room. Boxes are still tucked into corners, unpacked but neatly labeled. “And I just got out of a marriage—kind of.” Her shrug is supposed to seem nonchalant, but I can feel the undercurrent of emotion in it, even as she snags the bag of pretzels. “Maybe someday.”
“Have you told him how you really feel?” I press. Maybe I’m just being sensitive to my own situation, but I want Amelia to get everything she wants in life too. She’s amazing and deserves it all.
She gives us another shrug. “I will. But isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black?” she teases, a small smirk on her lips.
“Yeah, yeah.” I wave her away.
“No, seriously,” Cadence insists. “What are you going to do? Shouldn’t you find out how he feels about this? I’m not even sure he knows the truth.” She scoops up some ice cream with potato chip pieces and pops it into her mouth. Around the mouthful, she says, “Matthew says he still thinks you’re having a baby with Mason.”
I pull a pillow onto my lap and pick at the edges. “Clearly I’m not.”
Dani nudges my leg with her shoulder. “Don’t you think you should tell him that?”
“And then what?” I flop my arms next to me, exasperated. I’ve only run every single scenario I can think of through my head a thousand times and none of them have ended well. “He wants kids. A family. I can’t give him that, so there’s nothing I can do or say.”
“You could start with telling him the truth,” Amelia suggests after swallowing her bite of pretzel.
I resume my pillow pinching. “So I tell him I’m not having Mason’s baby and I can’t have any kids. What happens after that?”
“I didn’t mean that truth.” She raises her eyebrows at me as if that clarifies what she means. Then her eyes go a little wider. “You can tell him how you feel.”
“That I want to be with him even though we can’t make babies together?”
She shakes her head. “No. That you love him.”
That word makes my heart skip a beat. Even though I can’t give him what he wants the most, I do still love him. I always will. And I always have. But still…
“I can’t.” My heart thuds hard in my chest as I kill the dream of being with Aidan forever. “I can’t be the reason he doesn’t get to live the life he feels he’s meant to.”
“What about adoption?” Dani suggests quietly.
The two other women and I give her our attention because the tone in her voice suggests she’s given this route a lot of thought, just on the other side of the fence.
“Oh, Dani,” I sigh, putting my hand on her shoulder. “Is that what you’re considering?”
She shrugs, stuffing another cookie into her mouth. “Maybe.”
Amelia gets off the couch and kneels in front of the young girl. “You know that, whatever you choose, we’re all here for you, right?”
Dani’s head bobs in front of me, and though I can’t see her face, I can hear the tears in her voice. “I know. This is just… I’m not sure what to do.”
“I know.” Amelia rubs her arms. “You can take as long as you need to think about it, but your brother and I want you with us for as long as you want to stay.
And if that means helping out with the baby so I can get my baby fix and not bug your brother about it, I’m a-okay with that.” She smiles at Dani, who chuckles a little. “But no pressure of course. The decision is yours, and we’re all here to help you however we can.”
Cadence nods in big movements from her end of the couch. “Like, if you want some of this ice cream because it might make you feel better, I’d even share it with you.”
Dani reaches for the container. “I better take it from you anyway. You might not fit into your wedding dress tomorrow.”
A huge smile breaks out on Cadence’s face. “I don’t even care. As long as I get to marry your brother, it doesn’t matter if I’m up in front of everyone in a potato sack.”
“Ugh!” Dani shoves a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. “I want what you guys have!”
Amelia pats Dani’s arm. “Well, have you told Trevor about the baby?”
Dani’s head falls forward before she spins it toward me. “What would you do? I texted him that I need to talk to him ASAP, but he hasn’t gotten back to me in two weeks. He needs to know, but if he won’t call me back… I don’t know what to do.”
I give her a thoughtful gaze. But, in the end, I shrug. “I wish I could help, but I’m kind of in a similar boat.”
When she faces forward again, she drops her head back to the cushion of my chair. “We’re supposed to be having fun tonight! This shouldn’t be a sad day.”
Cadence finishes chewing a handful of potato chips and then dusts her hands off. “Hey, I can understand why we’re such hot messes right now. If you guys would rather go back home, I totally get it.”
“And leave you alone on your last night of bachelorettehood?” Amelia stands up and grabs the TV remote off the coffee table. “Like hell. Let’s watch a movie or something though. We can take our minds off the heavy stuff for a while. Come on.” She waves for me and Dani to come over to the couch as she drops onto it. “We’ll snuggle, eat, and watch The Princess Bride. That’s a good way to go into marriage on a high note, right?”