Hunter shrugged, noncommittally. Was he actually trying to suggest that I should contact my abusive father, the man who walked out on me and my mom, leaving us in poverty?
“What are you getting at?” I said, with an edge to my voice.
Hunter raised his finger and pointed it at me. “First of all, lose that disrespectful tone.”
“Sorry,” I said, straightening my spine.
Hunter paused to look out across the field. “Sometimes I wonder if he’s changed.”
“He hasn’t,” I said. “If he’d changed, he’d be here now.”
“Not necessarily,” Hunter said. “He could be ashamed, embarrassed, or think that you wouldn’t forgive him.”
“Because I’ll never forgive him,” I said.
Hunter stroked my cheek. “Better to give up the weight of a grudge then carry it around forever.”
“I know,” I said. “I don’t carry it around, really. I hardly ever think about him. What’s got you thinking about him?”
Hunter sighed. “Maybe it’s because we’ve been trying to have a baby. Grandparents are an important part of a child’s life. I started wondering, if you became pregnant, would we owe it to your dad to tell him?”
“No, no, no, no,” I said, shaking my head.
Hunter threw his hands up in the air. “Okay, fine. It was just a thought.”
*
I couldn’t stop thinking about Hunter’s question. Despite all the harm he’d cause, did I owe to my father to let him know he was going to have a grandchild? Whenever I thought about it for too long, painful memories emerged, awful memories that had traumatized me since childhood. I didn’t want him anywhere near my future children.
But that didn’t stop my curiosity. Where had he been all this time? Was he still the insufferable drunk I remembered?
One afternoon, Mom invited me over for tea, and I couldn’t help asking her.
“Do you ever think about Dad?” I asked, picking up a lemon square.
Mom froze with her teacup to her lips. When her shock wore of, she took a sip, and placed her cup down calmly. “Yes. Do you?”
I nodded. Mom took a deep breath, then looked at me with soft eyes. “I wish you didn’t have to.”
I cleared my throat, stopping the tears that threatened to spill out. “Are you curious about where he’s been on this time? I mean, he was gone, just like that. And we never heard from him again.”
Mom’s gaze darted away from me and her lips pursed. I could tell there was something she wasn’t saying.
“Mom, what is it?” I asked.
“I looked him up one time on, what’s that site, Facegram,” Mom said.
“And you found him?”
“I did,” Mom said, turning the teacup around between her fingers. “He looks the same, just older. He’s living in Taylorsville. And that’s all I saw because his profile was private.”
“Taylorsville? That’s not too far from here,” I said.
“It seems to me he’s been close by this entire time,” Mom said. Tears rose to her eyes, and she started to sniffle. “Oh, Ellie, I’m sorry for the terrible childhood you had.”
“Stop it, Mom. It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not fine,” Mom said. “But you have to know, the father you knew wasn’t the man I married. He was so handsome when we met, so charming. Then, suddenly, a few months before you were born, something just snapped. He turned into a completely different person.” Mom shook her head, a baffled look on her face. “Why are you asking me this? Are you thinking about contacting him?”
“No,” I said, standing up quickly. “I have to go.”
*
That night, after not trying for a baby, Hunter and I sat on the front porch. It was a cloudless night, and the stars flickered brightly. The moon was almost full, and illuminated the entire field. It was beautiful, but I couldn’t get my mind in the present. I couldn’t stop thinking about my father, less than an hour’s drive from here. Hunter picked up on my mood immediately.
“What’s on your mind?” he said. He picked up my hand and rubbed his thumb against my palm, relaxing me.
“I know where my father is,” I said. “Mom looked him up on the internet. He’s living in Taylorsville.”
Hunter massaged my hand, listening intently.
“It’s weird that he’s so close,” I said. “Do you think he’s been there this entire time?”
“Maybe,” Hunter said, moving on to my wrist.
I huffed. “I don’t know why I care. It’s not like I’ll ever see him again.”
Hunter stopped massaging, and placed my hand back in my lap. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
I froze with panic. “What?” I asked.
Hunter walked in front of me, leaning against the porch railing. “I’ve spoken to him. Recently.”
At first, I couldn’t comprehend the words. When they finally sunk in, I felt an inexplicable anger towards Hunter, like he’d betrayed me.
“You went behind my back?” I asked.
“No,” Hunter said, offended. “I’d never do that. He reached out to me. Ellie, he claims to have found God, that he’s changed. And I believe him.”
I stared just past Hunter, into the distance. “Please don’t ever talk to him again.”
“Ellie, come on,” Hunter said. “Don’t you think he at least deserves a chance?”
I shook my head, slowly. “Didn’t I deserve a father who loved me, who wouldn’t hurt me or my mother?”
“He acknowledges what he’s done. He says he’s truly sorry.”
I swallowed hard, trying to keep my composure. “Even if that’s true, how could he ever make up for what he’s done? How could I ever forgive him?”
“That’s a question you have to ask yourself,” Hunter said. “You control whether you can forgive him or not.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think I can. I’m not strong enough.”
Hunter stepped towards me, and pulled me close to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist, desperate to find comfort.
“You’re strong enough for anything,” Hunter said. “Give him a chance, see if he’s genuine. If he is, you can figure out a way to forgive him.”
“What if he’s not?” I asked.
Hunter’s arms tensed around me. “Then I’ll make sure he never sees you again.”
*
It was a gray, dreary day when Hunter and I left the house to go meet my father. I’d barely slept the night before. What would I say to him? I imagined two scenarios. In the first, I’d greet him coldly, then let him make his case. In the second, I’d walk in, throw a drink in his face, and walk out.
Hunter would never let me get away with throwing a drink at someone in public, so when we walked into the diner, I didn’t say a word to my father, just looked at him with my lips pressed tightly together. He stood when we approached the table, and looked as if he wanted to hug me. When he saw the glare in my eyes, he quickly sat back down.
Mom was right, he looked exactly the same, except with more gray hair. His eyes were narrow, and he squinted often. He was very tall, with long, lanky limbs. He hunched his shoulders to compensate for the fact that he towered over most people.
This felt like a dream. I was staring into the face of my past, a past I tried desperately to avoid. There was no escaping it now.
“Ellie,” Dad said, studying my face.
My breath was ragged and my body trembled. I had nothing to say.
“Hello, Irving,” Hunter said. My husband was alert, his focus sharp. I could tell his main goal was to watch over me and protect me.
“Thank you for coming,” Dad said. “You have grown up beautifully. Hunter tells me you have your own graphic design business.” He smiled proudly. “My little girl’s her own boss.”
“I’m not a little girl,” I said through clenched teeth. “And I’m not yours.”
Dad nodded. “I understand you’re angry.”
“Great,” I said, s
arcastically.
Dad looked desperately over to Hunter.
“Irving, why don’t you tell Ellie what you told me?” Hunter turned to me. “Ellie, I want you to listen with no interruptions.”
I nodded quickly. Dad clasped his hands together on the table in front of him.
“First, I have to say that I am so, so deeply sorry,” Dad started. He couldn’t quite bring his gaze up to my eyes. “And I know it doesn't matter how many times I say that. Nothing can undo the damage I’ve caused.” His voice tightened with emotion. Hunter gave him an encouraging nod, and he continued. I narrowed my eyes at Hunter. Sometimes I wondered whose side he was on.
“Ellie, I was a sick man back then, extremely unwell,” Dad said. “I was an alcoholic, suicidal. I was confused, angry, scared.”
“I can relate,” I said under my breath.
“Ellie,” Hunter snapped. “Go on, Irving.”
Dad took a deep breath and continued. “It all started when your mom was pregnant with you. We were so happy. I wanted you, badly, Ellie. I couldn’t wait to hold my baby girl in my arms. But I was also afraid. I didn’t make much money. How could I provide for you? Give you the life you deserved?
“They cut my hours at the plant, and that’s when I started to lose it. I never drank much before, but I turned to alcohol. Turns out, I’m a mean, violent drunk. And you and your mom were vulnerable to my outbursts.”
After trying to hold back my tears, they broke free. I remembered being small and vulnerable. It was a terrible feeling.
“The more horrible things I did to you two, the more I had to drink to forget it,” Dad said. “I just spiraled out of control.”
“And so now what?” I said, sniffling. “You’ve got it all together. And after twenty years, we can all forgive and forget. Why not?”
Hunter grabbed my knee under the table. “Ellie, that’s enough. I said no interruptions.”
I clamped my mouth shut and crossed my arms over my chest.
“It’ll be twenty years this fall,” Dad said. “I’ve felt every day of it.” He lowered his head, fighting the tears. “The night I left, I was going to the bridge. I was going to jump. I was on the other side of the railing, looking down at the water. The current was strong, and would drag me away in a instant. I let one hand go, bracing myself for the impact, when I heard a car pull up behind me. For whatever reason, I grabbed back on to the railing and turned around.
“There was a woman there,” Dad said, a distant look on his face. “But she didn’t looked real. She had a glow about her. Even though it was completely dark, I could see her clearly. I must’ve looked like hell, but she gave me a gentle smile, and somehow, that told me that I was worthy. She walked up to me and took my hand. When we touched, I felt peace, for the first time in ages. She led me over the railing, to my car, and then left without ever saying a word.
“I didn’t want to die anymore, and I figured you and your mom would be better off without me. I drove to Taylorsville, and made a life there. I quit drinking, got into therapy. The doctors diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and depression. They got me on medication, and after getting the dosages right, my head cleared right up. That’s when I started going to church. In my search for God, I became a better man.” He looked at me, pleadingly. “I’ve changed, Ellie. You have to believe me.”
“Then why wait twenty years?” I said.
“With my head cleared up, as I said, I realized exactly what I’d put you through. I didn’t think it was possible that you’d forgive me. A couple years ago, I saw in the paper that you and Hunter had married. I was so happy for you. But I was sad I’d missed it. I’ve missed so much, and I don’t want to miss anymore.” Dad looked at me, his eyes widened. “That woman on the bridge, I believe she was an angel. God sent her to turn my life around. Even after I’d rejected him for years, He gave me a second chance.”
It was silent except for my breathing. I looked into my father’s wide, earnest eyes. I’d never even entertained the idea of forgiving this man. I raised my hands and clapped, slowly and sarcastically.
“Thank you,” I said. “For laying that steaming pile of bullshit at my feet.”
“Ellie,” Hunter roared, causing the other patrons to turn and look at us.
I ignored him. “Such a nice, tidy story, with an angel and everything. You really put a lot of thought into it.”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me right away,” Dad said. “All I could do was tell you the truth. I can’t make you believe it. Ellie, I’d like to speak to your mother as well.”
“Absolutely not,” I said. I stood up.
Hunter quickly stood up beside me. “Irving, if you’ll excuse us, I need to talk to Ellie alone.”
I winced. I’d been out of line, and now Hunter would have to set me straight.
“Of course,” Dad said.
Hunter took my arm and led me outside of the diner. We went around to the side of the building where we were completely alone.
“Ellie, we came here to give him a chance,” Hunter said.
“Isn’t that what I’m doing?” I said.
“Not really.”
“What do you expect, Hunter?” I said, almost yelling. “I’m so angry.” I raised my fists in the air.
Hunter grabbed my wrists and pulled me closer against him. I collapsed against his chest, crying. Hunter stroked my hair, and whispered, “Shhh,” into my ear. When he began to pray, my tears subsided. “Lord, I ask that you touch Ellie’s heart, heal her of anger, of hurt, and pain. Give her the capacity to forgive.”
“Amen,” we whispered together.
Hunter pulled me back and looked into my eyes. “You don’t control Irving, and you don’t control Marty. If they want to speak to each other, that’s their business.”
“Then why does it matter if I agree with it?” I asked.
“I think Irving would really like your blessing,” Hunter said.
Hunter had calmed me down, but I was still feeling a bit bitter.
“Tell him he can do whatever he wants,” I said. “I’ll wait in the car.”
*
It turned out that Mom was open to meeting with him. I insisted that Hunter and I come also. One afternoon, we made our way across the field that separated our house from Mom’s. Hunter lectured me the entire way about letting Dad say his piece, not interrupting him, and not being rude. I agreed, reluctantly.
We sat at the kitchen table with Mom, a pot of tea between us, as we waited for Dad to arrive. I could tell Mom was nervous. She sat with her elbows very close to her sides. She held her teacup close to her mouth without taking a sip.
There was a knock at the door, and Hunter went to let Dad in. When he entered, there was a long, silent pause as Mom and Dad stared at each other. Slowly, Mom stood and walked over to him.
I hope she slaps him, I thought.
To my dismay, Mom opened her arms, and the two hugged warmly.
“Marty, I’ve missed you,” Dad said.
Mom nodded, sniffling onto his shoulder. She hugged him tighter. When they pulled away from each other, both had broad smiles stretching across their faces.
“Please, sit down,” Mom said.
She poured Dad some tea, then listened intently while Dad launched into his story. I studied my nails while he talked, feigning boredom. Hunter kept shooting me stern looks. With a heavy sigh, I straightened up in my chair and pretended to listen. Mom listened with her lips parted, her eyes wide. Occasionally, she placed her hand over her heart and gasped, especially when he got to the part about the angel.
Mom bought it hook, line, and sinker. When Dad was done talking, Mom hugged him again. They embraced for a long time, whispering something to each other that we couldn’t hear. I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling.
“Okay, so that’s it right?” I said. I turned to Dad. “You said what you needed to say. Time for you to go back to Taylorsville.”
“Ellie,” Mom said. “He can stay for a little while long
er. We have a lot to catch up on.”
“Are you hearing yourself, Mom?” I said. “I can’t believe you bought that story.”
“I’ve told you before,” Mom said. “You don’t know the man I knew. I think this is him. He’s back.”
I stood from the table, shaking my head. I addressed everyone in the room. “He’s got you all fooled. Hunter, I gave him his chance. Can we go home now?”
Without waiting for an answer, I rushed out of the house and started running across the field. By the time I got back home, my face was red and streaked with tears, my breathing heavy. I asked God why he’d brought my dad back into my life. Everything had been going so well.
I was curled up on the couch when Hunter got home. He walked inside quietly. I lifted my head from my arm and looked up at him. By the look on his face, I could tell I was in trouble.
“You can punish me all you want,” I said. “I can’t forgive him.”
“You can, Ellie,” Hunter said, sitting next to me. “You just won’t let yourself.”
“Do you really believe him?” I asked.
“I do,” Hunter said, wiping a tear from my cheek. “Until he gives me a reason to believe otherwise.”
I brought my hands to my forehead, taking a deep breath. “I know God wants me to forgive him, but I don’t think I can. I can’t get past everything that’s happened.”
Hunter took my hand in his. “Then as your spiritual leader, it’s my job to help you with that. Stand up.”
“What?” I said. “You’re going to punish me?”
“It’ll calm you down, clear your head. Trust me,” Hunter said. “Now, stand up. Pants and panties down.”
I stood up, unbuckled my pants, and pulled them, along with my panties, down to my ankles. I kicked them off of my feet, then stood before Hunter, my hands clasped behind my back. Hunter sat up straight, and took my hand gently in his. He wasn’t as stern as he usually was when he punished me. His demeanor was gentle, which was just what I needed. I positioned myself between his legs, then bent over his knee.
“I want you to take a deep breath,” Hunter said. “Meditate on my love for you.”
I did as he said, filling my lungs completely. I could clearly feel Hunter’s love as he held me in his strong arms. He raised his hand, and spanked me hard. The air in my lungs was forced out, along with the tension I was carrying. Hunter spanked me again, harder, in the same spot as before. It was hard to dwell on my worries as my bottom throbbed with pain.
Alpha Husbands and Obedient Wives (Christian Domestic Discipline Romance): 3 Complete Series in 1 Page 4