Sweet Obsession

by Theodora Koulouris

  Billal had been by my side through thick and thin. He was my protector, my friend. He was my everything. Everything except my lover! I wished I could tell him that I loved him too. I wanted nothing more than to make him happy. But I could not say this to him. I loved Nidal, and that would never ever change. Tonight, Nidal would tell the world how much I meant to him and how he and I would be together forever.

  The mistress walked to Billal’s side, leaned close to him, and whispered something for his ears alone. Billal searched the room for me, and his eyes rested on mine. A longing was in his eyes as he silently pleaded for me to reconsider my decision. The mistress pulled back and followed his gaze to mine, and I saw her pretty facial features twist with hate.

  Billal was oblivious to anything around him except me. He stared hopelessly at me as if his life depended on my next words. I walked over to him and placed a soft kiss on his lips. I knew that display would be an eyeful for everyone in the parlor, including the mistress, who I was sure wanted to gouge my eyes out by now.

  Billal said not one word. He just closed his eyes and let out a sigh full of anguish. He paid handsomely for my gown and asked the mistress to send the garment to the royal carriage. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the shop while everyone, including the mistress, watched the display with interest.

  Once outside, Billal turned to me and demanded, “Why did you kiss me, Loula?”

  I knew not how to answer that, as I stared silently at him. His full lips pressed together angrily as he waited for my reply. His beautiful eyes sparkled with anger.

  “How dare you play with my feelings!” His dark gaze measured mine. Then his scowl deepened, and he pulled me to him, close enough where I felt his heart pounding rapidly through his shirt. “You have bewitched me, and I am suffering!” He pounded his hand on his chest. “Release me of this pain, Loula,” he begged in a tortured voice.

  Can it be possible for someone to love two people at the same time? I wanted desperately to love this man. I wanted him to hold me in his arms forever, and I wanted to wipe away the tears that were threatening to spill forth from his eyes. He was beautiful. He was every woman’s dream come true. I loved him to no end. But I did not love him more than I did Nidal. I lowered my gaze to my feet, ashamed I could not give him what he so richly deserved.

  Billal regarded me thoughtfully. “I know you care for me. I can see it in your eyes. I have seen desire there too. If you allow your mind just for a second to be free of Nidal, I know you could fall in love with me,” he said passionately.

  I looked up at him, and the trail of tears now flowed freely down my face. I placed my hands on his chest and felt it tighten as he braced himself for my next words. “This is not by choice, Billal, that I hurt you. You are very important to me. You must know that by now.” I cried, and Billal drew a sharp breath and closed his eyes.

  I saw tears on his long eyelashes that slowly glided down his cheeks unashamedly. Billal’s hands gently pulled me into his embrace and held me tight.

  “Can you at least answer me this, Loula?” he asked softly. The life was already gone from his voice. “Is there even a small hint of a possibility that maybe you can feel for me anything at all one day? Because if there is, I shall wait until the end of time for you.”

  The sudden realization blew me away. In truth, I loved him very much, dangerously enough. I wanted to tell him this but could not. Revealing such to him would be a disaster. Nothing good could come out of it. My heart belonged to Nidal, but a part of me wanted Billal as well. A small part of me wished that things could have been different. Had I met him first, I could have easily loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Now as I stood here in his arms, I knew I could never tell him of my feelings because he would fight tooth and nail to make me his and I would lose Nidal forever. The decision to keep silent was easy for me. I wanted Nidal. I had always wanted Nidal, and I would let nothing stand in the way.

  Billal read all the mixed feeling in my eyes and dropped his hands to his side. He walked away from me, and I silently followed behind him. I looked around and saw that we had had an audience during our little heartfelt moment. Embarrassed, I looked down at the pavement, trying not to bring more attention my way. Billal’s long strides got him a few feet away from me, and as I tried to catch up with him, I noticed the old lady dressed in black come toward me.

  I picked up my pace and tried to avoid confrontation with her, but she was quick to catch up to me, grabbing the back of my gown, and pulling it, chanting, “Death is in the air. I feel it! Change the course of your life, or you shall bring death upon yourself and your soul mate.” She cried desperately, “The visions are clear. Both of you will suffer, for it is written. Your fates have been sealed even before the both of you were born.”

  This woman was mad. I tried to run from her, but she quickly grabbed my wrist tightly and held on to me for dear life. She looked at me with huge eyes, and I saw fear in them.

  “Please, you must not go back to the prince!” she begged desperately. “Leave him be! Or both of you will suffer death! Save yourselves! You can change the course of your life if you do the right thing and walk away from him. Do not let death win!”

  What is she saying? Could she know the future? Or is she mad? My head was spinning with pain. What does she know of my fate?

  “My visions always come true! But you have the power to change your fate if you choose to. Destiny can be cheated if you play your cards well.” Then she let go of my arm and walked away muttering to herself, leaving me staring after her, dumbfounded.

  Billal raced to my side at that moment and anxiously asked, “What, pray tell, was that all about?”

  I looked up at him and nervously asked him to take me home. I had had enough drama today to last me a lifetime. Everything that had transpired had blown me away.

  We rode back in silence, each in our own thoughts. It was a bumpy ride, and our bodies were thrown together every time the carriage shook. Billal circled his arm around my shoulder and brought me close to him. I felt loved and protected. If things were different, I would have chosen Billal as my husband. He was a good man, and I loved him, but not enough to choose him over Nidal.

  Finally, the carriage came to a halt in front of the palace. I looked out the little window, and looked straight ahead at the palace window, and caught Nidal looking right at us. Billal jumped out first and helped me get down from the carriage, and the driver whisked the horses and carriage away to the stables. Billal informed me that the servants would bring in the packages as he gently took my hand in his and pulled me up the stairs to the palace. I knew Nidal was watching, and I hoped he was not getting angry with me.

  The rest of the day went by very slowly. I was counting the minutes and seconds until it was time for me to start getting dressed for the ball. My personal maids were excited to help me dress. When they saw the gown I was to wear, they nearly fainted with approval. They helped me slip into it, and I stood back, admiring myself as I twirled around. The circle skirt opened up, and the cloth flew around me, wrapping me up in elegance. I looked like a princess, and I knew every woman tonight at the ball would envy me. But none of that mattered. All I wanted was for Nidal to take me in his arms and claim me as his bride. In this elegant, white gown, I looked like a bride, Nidal’s bride. I smiled to myself and sighed. Nidal is mine, now and forever and into eternity.

  I decided to let my hair down. I knew it was daring, but I felt audacious. Tonight, I would dance with my Prince Charming. I would dance the night away in his arms and show the world how much we cared for one another. I slipped into my glass slippers and took one last look into the mirror.

  Billal walked in the room looking dashing, just like the handsome prince that he was. He smiled from ear to ear as he stood staring at me. I could tell he was pleased with what he saw. His eyes were blazing with lust as his gaze swept me from head to to
e. I smiled bashfully at him.

  Billal gave me his arm, and I placed my arm inside his. We exited the room. We walked slowly down the stairs, and I was a little nervous. The guards at the door were staring at me. Their appreciating gaze swept me from head to toe. One of them winked at me, and I quickly looked away, embarrassed. I let go of Billal’s arm and entered the ballroom. All eyes fell on me. I lifted my head up high and walked into the ballroom. Everyone moved aside and made a pathway for me to walk through.

  I glanced around the room and spotted Nidal. He liked what he saw. I could tell by the expression on his face. Shaeena was next to him, and she looked angry. Nidal took a step toward me, and I walked right to him.

  The whole night was full of surprises. When I saw the ring on Shaeena’s finger, I lost all sense of reality. The universe was playing tricks on me. I could not believe it. Nidal had excuses for everything. When we danced and I was in his arms, I felt like a lost little sheep who had found its way home. I belonged in his arms, but Nidal messed everything up again.

  Later when Nidal and I were alone, it was electrifying. I melted in his arms. I gave him my heart and soul. I thought that he too loved me the same way, only to find out later that it was all a lie. It was a horrible nightmare.

  The only person who never lied, cheated, or disrespected me was Billal. He treasured every moment he spent with me. He made me feel truly loved. He did everything he could to win my affection, without betraying me, not once. I loved him dearly, but it was a different kind of love. I never gave him the love that he deserved. He did warn me, but love blinded me. Never once did it cross my mind that Nidal would betray me. Billal knew Nidal was deceptive, and I did not—could not—believe it.

  Billal convinced me that Nidal was cheating on me. I was so stupid and did not believe him. I laughed in his face, saying that Nidal would never ever do that to me. Billal took me by the hand and dragged me down the flight of stairs, and we walked down the hall to Nidal’s door. Billal opened it and gently pushed me inside. I could not believe what I saw. My Nidal was making love to Princess Shaeena!

  My nightmare had come to a reality. My Prince Charming was all a lie. He had never loved me. He had never fought for our love. He gave in to lust. All my dreams came crashing down. Billal was there to help me pick up the pieces. He took me in his arms and carried me to our room, placing me on the bed and comforting me in my time of despair. He was gentle and caring. He was kind and understanding, even though I did not deserve his love. He was there for me. Because of him, I got through all of this. I owed him my loyalty and devotion. I owed him my life.

  I did not sleep all night. How could I? Billal had me in his arms. I cried and cried until there were no more tears to shed. Billal whispered sweet nothings in my ear until he saw a smile on my face. I smiled because he was so sweet. He was my hero.

  I did not know what I would do from here on. I had had other plans for my life’s direction, but now things had changed. I had to accept what had happened and deal with it. I knew it would not be easy to just stop loving Nidal. I didn’t know how to do that or even if that were an option. But I had to at least try or face a life of suffering.

  I tipped my head back and looked up at Billal’s face. He was so handsome. He cast a curious sideways glance at me and smiled. He stared at me in silence for several long moments before he took my hand in his and kissed it. His body was warm next to mine. Each night I spent in his bed, Billal, out of respect for me, wore his pajamas. Last night, however, even though I was under distress, I remembered him taking off his clothes, but I was in so much pain that I did not comment on the fact that he wore only his underpants. I felt his bare legs rub against mine, and I did not feel the need to move away. I just lay there in his arms and enjoyed the moment.

  I did not miss the glint in Billal’s eyes as he bent down and put his mouth on mine. His lips felt warm. I kissed him. It seemed like the right thing to do. I lost myself in the heat of the moment. He was a good kisser. I could honestly say that I enjoyed it. Billal sensed my thoughts, leaned down, and kissed me again. This time, the kiss was more passionate. I kissed him back too, feeling a stirring inside me.

  When Billal kissed me, it was different than when Nidal did. Billal’s kisses somehow seemed more genuine because Billal loved me and only me. When Nidal kissed me, Shaeena was always in the way of our happiness, making me feel like I was competing for his love. Billal, on the other hand, made me feel number one in his life, like no other woman existed in the world, like I was very special to him.

  I gave into his passion and matched his kisses with my own. Billal’s body moved closer to mine, and he tried to pry my legs open by gently sliding his right leg in the middle of my legs. I felt his huge groin piercing my thigh. He was undeniably male. His breathing got heavier as his body now shifted on top of mine. I allowed Billal to touch me. His hands traveled up and down my body with expertise. I could tell that he was more experienced in the ways of a woman’s body than Nidal was. My body betrayed me. I was feeling the heat between my legs.

  Billal lifted my nightgown over my head and exposed my breasts. Cupping my left breast in his hand, he brought his lips down and played with my nipples, making them hard as a rock. His other hand was caressing my body as it slipped downward to a place that only one other man had ever touched. My body betrayed me as lust overpowered my senses, and I found myself arching in total submission.

  At that precise moment, I heard the door open to our room. I turned my head and saw Nidal standing there with his mouth open. He leaned back against the door frame for support. The sorrow I saw in his eyes made me want to hide under a rock and never crawl out of it. My body went rigid.

  Billal stood frozen on top of me. He did not make a move to get off me. I was at a loss for words. Nothing I could say would get me out of this. I did what I did because I wanted to. It had felt right a few moments ago. But now I knew it was dreadfully wrong. I tried to push Billal off me, but he would not budge. I looked over at Nidal again, and he was still staring at me with such a sad expression. That was when I felt my heart break in two. I knew this was the end of his love for me. I knew he would not forgive me. It was written in his eyes, and the realization at this observation broke my heart. I could not blame him, but I could not forgive him either for what he had done to me. So I did nothing. I said nothing until Nidal stood up straight and quietly walked away, closing the door behind him.

  I should have breathed a sigh of relief. I should have felt satisfaction that we were now even, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Isn’t that what people say? I should have been singing with joy that I had gotten even with him. But I was not happy at this very moment. I did not feel triumph. I felt pain, like a knife twisting deep in my heart. This was a sad day for me. I felt empty, alone. I felt the blood drain from my face as this realization sunk in. There was no life for me without Nidal. I pushed Billal off me, and I jumped out of bed, feeling disgusted with myself. What have I done? Oh my God! What have I done?

  I knew deep in my heart that it was truly over this time. Nidal would never forgive me, just as I was not ready to forgive him. Billal called out my name, but I was not able to answer him as I ran over to the couch, threw myself on it, and cried my heart out. I cried a river until there were no more tears left to shed.

  Billal sat on the edge of the bed, staring at me in silence. He had that knowing look in his eyes, as if he too were done with me. I felt all alone in a world made out of glass. My world had shattered into a million pieces that could never be put back together again. Life had given me many blows, but this was, by far, the worst.

  In all reality, I had never really cheated on Nidal. I had not had sex with anyone but him. A kiss did not count in the same way. Nidal, on the other hand, had made love to Shaeena. That was the real betrayal. I suddenly had a pounding headache. I dropped my head in my hands. I heard Billal sigh. I could only imagine what was going thro
ugh his mind. I had not been fair to him. He deserved better.

  In two long strides, Billal was standing right beside me. Then he dropped to his knees and took my hands in his. The tingling sensation was there again. I felt confused. Why is my body betraying me like this?

  “Tell me what you want, Loula,” Billal asked in a husky voice.

  My body trembled as his hands trailed down my legs. He pulled me to him, and we both fell back on the carpet. I landed on his bare chest. Billal’s eyes were blazing fire. He rolled me over gently and trailed kisses along my neck. With his knee, he parted my legs and sexually rubbed his rock-solid shaft between my thighs. His lips came crashing down on mine brutally as he kissed me passionately. I did not resist. The tingling sensation had now gone up and down my spine. I could feel my heart beat faster.

  I kissed him back hungrily, as if he were the one who my heart ached for, as if he were the one that I loved. I knew I was headed the wrong direction, yet I did nothing to stop it until Billal gently pushed me away from him.

  “Loula, you are not in your right state of mind. I only want you to kiss me if and when you really want me to be kissing you. I will not have you in this way,” he said in a tortured voice.

  He pulled himself up and walked away with his head held up high. His pride would not let him enjoy my kisses because he knew he was second choice. My headache was still pounding, or else I would have told him that I chose him at this moment. At this moment, I was not faking it. I wanted him to kiss me, to touch me. I wanted to make love to him. But I kept silent. I knew my heart was hurting, so I was making desperate decisions. Because I was in love with Nidal, nothing and no one would ever be able to change that, not even me.