Sweet Obsession

by Theodora Koulouris

  I could see his lips trembling, his eyes watering, and his hands shaking as he stood up from his position and straightened his back. He towered over me as he looked down into my eyes.

  He squared his broad shoulders. “You played with me, Loula. You used me, and I, the fool, believed you.” He laughed aloud now as he stepped back, away from me, as if I had some kind of disease. He pointed his finger at me. “I love you so much. It hurts knowing that you love Nidal. I am your match in every way, Loula, yet you choose him! You have always chosen him! You think me a fool!” He grabbed the tray with the plates on it and threw it across the room, shattering everything on it.

  Fear struck me, and I placed my hands on my stomach to protect my baby as I stepped backward, away from Billal. At that moment, the door swung open, Nidal came running inside our room, and Billal made a fist and punched him squarely on his jaw. Nidal swayed backward from the unsuspecting blow and crashed into the stone wall, stunned. Billal slammed the door behind him as he exited the room, and I ran to Nidal and hugged him.

  “What happened here, Loula?” Nidal rubbed his jaw, now red and swollen. “Why is Billal so mad? What did you say to him that got him so upset?” he asked suspiciously, expecting an answer from me.

  I knew not what to say. I feared a lot of trouble would happen if I told him the truth. But I could not lie. What if Billal were to tell him the truth?

  I looked down at my feet. “I told Billal that I love you and want to marry you and not him, and he got really upset.” That was not a lie. I just withheld some information from him. That was all.

  A miserable silence followed, and I slowly tipped my head back and saw Nidal analyzing what I had just told him. I held my breath, knowing he would explode at any moment. Nidal was not stupid. He would figure it out, and then I would be in trouble again.

  I stood there all tensed up, playing the waiting game. Finally, Nidal said in an unfriendly tone, “What else did you say that angered him, Loula? He already knew you love me. It has to be something more than that.”

  I noticed the anger in him starting to build. I looked away, lest he read the truth in my eyes.

  But Nidal was clever, and he walked up to me and grabbed me by the shoulders gently. “Pray tell, Loula, what else did you tell him that caused him to get this upset? I demand you tell me now before I go to Billal and get the truth from him. I must warn you, Loula, if I hear it from him first, I will be angry as hell.”

  Swallowing hard and with quivering lips, I told him the truth. “I told Billal that I loved him.” I held my head up high, and then I added quickly, “But I also told him that I loved you more, and it was you whom I wanted to marry, not him.” Then I braced myself for what I was sure would follow.

  “You told Billal that you loved him?” Nidal whispered softly.

  And it was like the calm before the storm. At this point, I was ready for anything. I knew this revelation would destroy our relationship, but it was too late. I had said it, and I took full responsibility. Nidal threw his head back and laughed aloud. I watched in horror as his throat rumbled with laughter, not understanding any of this. Nidal continued to laugh until tears were in his eyes. And when the laughter stopped, a dangerous look was on his face, and I took a step backward and placed a protective hand on my belly.

  “You told Billal that you love him? Who else have you told those words to? Tell me, Loula. Why do you lie to me and to yourself? Tell me why you told Billal that you love him!”

  Nidal took a step forward and grabbed me by my shoulders. Terrified, I froze in my tracks. I knew I was in the wrong, and I knew not what to say. Tears rolled down my eyes, and as I looked at Nidal, tears were rolling down his face too. I tried to reach over and wipe his tears, but he slapped away my hands.

  “I am so sorry, Nidal, but it’s not what you think. I did tell Billal that I love him because I do love him, but it is not the same kind of love that I feel for you. You are my life, the very reason for my existence. I love you with all my heart. I could never love anyone the way I love you. Billal has been good to me, and I love him for that. Please, don’t confuse my feelings with what you think I feel. Do not underestimate the love I feel for you, Nidal. You would be cheating yourself out of great happiness. Billal got angry because I told him that I loved you more. I told him that I wanted to marry you and not him, and this is the truth, Nidal.” I waited to see if Nidal would accept my words.

  After what seemed like a lifetime later, Nidal grabbed me and held me tightly in his arms. “Loula, you are mine, and I will never allow you to marry anyone but me,” he said passionately, and then he kissed me hard on the lips, bruising them, as his hands pulled on my gown.

  I heard the ripping of material. I gave myself to him in total submission as he tore my gown off my body and stripped himself of his clothes. He took me hard and fast to heights of passion where only mad lovers go. I yielded to his touch and trembled in ecstasy.

  Life was beautiful. Nidal was beautiful. I was finally collecting what life owed me, true happiness. Our bond could never be broken. We could not move forward without one another. When we danced our lives away, Nidal let me lead. Our love had transformed into a rare jewel, so precious that no one was able to separate us. Only God himself had that power, and he was being generous to us.

  The days came and went, and I was happy. Days turned to months, and my pregnancy was going well. It was toward the end of my second trimester. The baby kicked wildly, and I loved every minute of it. Nidal came to me every chance he got. I was blissfully happy. The king’s health was getting better, and I suspected that, once he got back on his feet, he would make plans for Nidal to wed the princess. Until then, Nidal was completely committed to me. Billal was busy with his own stuff. He had taken over many duties since the king had gotten sick. He was second-in-command, and certain responsibilities came with that. I could not have been happier. By the time Billal came to bed each night, I was fast asleep. Before I woke up in the morning, he was already out the door.

  Shaeena was too busy with her infant to make any kind of demands on Nidal. So for now, we had each other, and we enjoyed every minute of it. We took strolls in the gardens, we made love behind the bushes at night, and Nidal snuck in my room whenever he knew Billal was out and about. The servants had a field day with us. They knew, but they learned to keep their mouths closed.

  I had not seen the queen for a long time. I suspected she was busy with the king and helping him recover. I wondered what the queen had done with Natalie. I had not seen or heard of her since the fire. I finally overheard the queen tell the servants to prepare Natalie for departure. She was to go and stay at the doctor’s home. What business did she have to go there? Why would the doctor take her to his house? She was not related to him. I thought that was odd, but I was too preoccupied with what to do about Nidal that I quickly forgot about her.

  Today, Nidal promised me a picnic in the meadow. I loved going there. It was so magical this time of year. Banks of colorful flowers flanked it, and I saw trees that danced with the wind, lush green grass, and animals playing without a care in the world. But most of all, it was the memories I loved the most. Under the willow tree, we made love each time we went there, and I was looking forward to being with Nidal again.

  Finally, the door opened, and Nidal walked in all smiles with a picnic basket hanging from his right hand and a bottle of wine in his left one. I grabbed my wrap, and ran to him, and planted a kiss on his warm lips. We headed out the door and down the stairway, and as soon as we landed on the first floor, there was Shaeena, who had just come out of her room. She stood in front of us with her hands on her hips and she looked at us angrily. We stopped in our tracks, speechless, and we looked at each other nervously.

  Nidal studied her for only a brief moment, and then he barked, “Step aside, Madam.”

  She ignored his request and rested her gaze on me. I swallowed and l
ooked away from her, not knowing how to handle the situation. I was not about to let her spoil my day, so I ignored her totally.

  “Step aside, Madam. Do not make a fool out of yourself again,” Nidal said sarcastically.

  And that only infuriated the princess even more. She was huffing and puffing and was about to make a nasty remark when Nidal gently pushed her to the side and she almost lost her balance.

  “How dare you lay your hands on me in such a manner? You will regret it soon enough, Nidal!” she screamed.

  But Nidal only laughed. “Behave yourself, woman. Your claws are starting to come out.” Then he looked at me with tender, loving care. “Let’s go, Loula. Just walk around her and follow me out of the palace.”

  So I did just that, and I heard Shaeena stomp her feet on the marble floor behind me. I did not turn to look. I just kept walking behind Nidal and exited the palace. We walked about a half mile, and finally when we came to the willow tree, Nidal dropped the basket and the wine on the grass. He grabbed me and kissed me sweetly on my lips. All was forgotten as we kissed and made love, right there under the willow. Nidal caressed my stomach and talked to his child, telling the baby how much he loved me and how he could not wait for his boy to be born.

  “Nidal, how do you know it is a he?” I asked playfully.

  Nidal just ignored me and continued his conversation with the baby. “If you are a baby girl, little one, even better. I will give you the world on a silver platter. I would love to have a little girl who looks just like her mommy, a little girl I can spoil.” He gently rubbed my stomach.

  I could not be happier than I was at this precious moment. I felt complete. Nothing in the world could bring me more joy than this. We stayed in the meadow all day and had our picnic, and we made love again until we were fulfilled with each other. It was late in the evening when we gathered our belongings and headed home. The servants had lit the torches and were putting the animals away as we reached the palace. I saw Billal standing outside the doors of the palace with his hands on his hips, and he looked mad as hell.

  His frown deepened as we approached the palace. He stood rigid, and his eyes were bright with hatred as he looked at Nidal. Then his gaze swept over me, and he looked back at Nidal and growled, “If you ever, and I mean ever, leave the palace with Loula again, I will rip out your throat!” he threatened.

  “You don’t give me orders. Do you forget that I am the crown prince, and next to me, you are nothing! It will do you well to remind yourself next time before you open your mouth and sound like a fool. Loula is mine. You will never have her, and as a reminder, if you ever touch her again, I will kill you with my bare hands!” Nidal sneered. And he pulled me alongside him inside the palace.

  Once inside, Nidal kissed me tenderly with the guards and a few servants present, looking right at us, stunned at what they were seeing, but I did not care. I kissed him back hungrily as I wrapped my arms around him and melted in his arms. After we were done kissing, Nidal looked around at the servants and the guards and barked orders to them, and they all scrambled to their duties. I could not help but laugh at the scene I had just witnessed. But Billal wiped the smile off my face as he stepped into the palace and looked at me with eyes that looked as if they were in pain. He walked right past us and went flying up the stairs two at a time. We heard the door slam really hard, and I knew that, when I went to my room, Billal was going to put me in my place.

  When I looked back at Nidal, I found him regarding me silently. Then he cupped my face and kissed me one more time. Before he sent me to my room he said, “I promise I will come to you as soon as I can.”

  I reluctantly left him and walked up the stairs slowly. I was in no hurry. I knew full well that Billal was waiting to give me a piece of his mind.

  When I reached the room, I opened the door gently and entered. He had his back to me, and he was looking out the window with his hands in his pockets. I braced myself for his words that were sure to come. Billal turned swiftly around and fastened his eyes on me. He walked over to me. I could feel his breath on my face. He was that close. Billal blinked and remained silent for a moment. His eyes were bright with anger. Then he pushed past me brusquely, walked to the bathroom, and slammed the door shut, but not before muttering that I was a worthless whore.

  I just stood there, stunned with what had just transpired. I could not blame him for feeling the way he did. I did not play fair with him. But I felt it was not my fault that life had dealt me this misery. I walked over to the bed and sat on it, and I tried to figure out what I would tell him. He was in there for quite a while, and finally when he opened the door and walked toward me, I stood and addressed him.

  “Billal, I apologize for everything. My intentions were never to hurt you.” I meant everything I said to him. “Please believe me, Billal. I love you, and I do not want you to suffer in any way.” I took a step closer, reached out, and touched his face.

  Billal took a step backward. “Madam, contain yourself. You have no right to touch me! You gave up your rights outside the palace a few moments ago. Release me from this pain in my heart, and then leave me in peace,” he pleaded emotionally, and he turned and walked back to the window.

  A miserable silence followed. We were both left speechless. I did not know what to do next. It was as if time stood still. I never anticipated that the day would end like this. I guessed it was unavoidable because Billal saw us coming together from the meadow, but I never set out deliberately to hurt him.

  Billal broke the silence. “Have you ever felt love for me, Loula?” he asked in a choked voice. He still had his back to me, and my heart skipped a beat.

  “I love you, Billal,” I whispered back to him.

  I wanted to put my arms around him, but I was afraid of rejection. Again, there was silence. He placed both hands on the edge of the window and leaned his head out for fresh air. I was right behind him, waiting for him to turn to me. After what seemed like a lifetime later, he pulled his head back in and turned. His eyes were wet with tears. Dare I think it is because of me, or is the sting of the air causing the tears?

  He walked past me to the bed and sat on it. He looked defeated. My heart went out to him. I ran to him, dropped to my knees right in front of him, and put my hands on his.

  “I beg your forgiveness, Billal.” I took a deep breath. “I never meant to hurt you. I really do love you.” I hoped against hope that he believed me.

  “I believe that you love me, Loula, but it’s not enough! I want you to feel for me what you feel for Nidal! You love him more, and that revelation hurts me. You are my match in every way, Loula, yet you choose him. I have done everything I could to get you to love me, but it was a losing battle from the start. I ask you now. Please release me from this pain. I am suffering, and I do not know how to make the pain go away. Please, Loula, release me from my pain!” he pleaded again, and the tears rolled down his cheek.

  I felt inclined to answer him, but I did not know what to say. What could I say? He is right. I love Nidal more. Much more. I could never love another the way I love Nidal. He is my life. He is the very air that I breathe. But I had to say something to Billal to help him out of his misery.

  “Billal, please, understand this. Had I met you first, you would have been my first choice. You are handsome and kind, and you love me so much. But it was my fate to meet and fall in love with Nidal. He is the one I must be with. I do not say this to hurt you. I never want to hurt you, Billal. But I say this because it is the truth.” I hoped he understood what I was telling him.

  My words were not getting through to him. He stared at me like a lovesick puppy that was in tremendous pain.

  “Billal, why do you love me? You deserve better than me. You deserve a woman who can give you unconditional love, a woman who would die for you. I know this country has many maidens for you to choose from. They would kill to spend one night with you
. Go find yourself a wife and be happy, Billal,” I begged him.

  “I do not want anyone else. I want you! If I cannot have you, I do not want another. I’d rather stay single.” Another tear escaped his eyes. “I will wait for you to change your mind, Loula. Nidal will never marry you. He cannot marry you even if he desires to. He is the crown prince of Arabia. Shaeena has his child. By law, he must marry her! He will make you his mistress and nothing more. You will spend nights alone while he sleeps in Shaeena’s arms. He will come to you on rare occasions, and if he gets caught, your life will be in grave danger, not to mention your child’s. The king will kill you and the baby! Is this what you choose? Is this what you want for your life? You throw away my love and choose a life full of pain? Why, for what, for who, for a man who can never claim you as his? Is that what you want, Loula?” he asked desperately.

  I closed my eyes. My tears rolled down my face freely without shame. He was right. Everything he said was the truth. I dropped on the floor and wept like a child. I pounded the cold floor beneath me until my hands turned blue. I cried until my eyes had no more tears to spill. Billal just sat there watching me, holding his breath and waiting for the results he was hoping for. And he won.

  I rose off the floor and went to him in total submission. I chose him because he was right. Everything he said was the truth. I clung to him, and he held me tight. We both cried like little children. My pain was unbearable. I now knew and felt the pain that Billal did. Our fates were sealed. There was no going back.

  We lay in the bed that night silently in each other’s arms. No words were spoken, for there was nothing to say. We both knew what we had to do. The Loula that Nidal knew died tonight, and she buried herself in his heart. The shell that was left of Loula knew what she had to do. Come morning, all that I knew would seize to exist. I closed my eyes and slept, for there was nothing else for me to do.