Close Ups and Mess Ups

by Natasha West

‘Fine. I’ll go.’

  He whooped down the phone, hurting my ear. But I didn’t mind. He believed I could do this. I wasn’t sure I did but his belief in me would carry me as far as the front door. What would happen after that was anyone’s guess but today I knew one thing. I was going to film school.

  Term

  One

  Chapter Two

  I threw my bag down on the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. My bed. A new bed. A single bed in a tiny room, smaller than the one I’d moved out of. But there was a good reason I was in this room. It was close to BSF and it held two other students. I’d found this place through the school’s Facebook, on the advice of Jenny the Admin. And this room was available for the same reason my place had come up. It belonged to the person who’d dropped out of my course. I couldn’t help but wonder about this person. I didn’t know a thing about them: gender, age, nothing. I wasn’t sure if I should be grateful to them for my new life or worried that I would have to exist in their shadow. Probably both.

  There was a knock on the door and I jumped up to answer. Mike, a score composer, filled the doorway, well over six foot, dwarfing my five and a half feet. He was a good-looking guy with a mop of untidy light brown hair.

  ‘So what do you reckon?’

  I smiled. ‘It’ll do.’

  ‘I know it’s a bit small…’ he started apologetically.

  ‘I don’t mind that.’

  ‘You probably won’t be here loads, anyway. I hear the directors have a pretty full schedule.’

  ‘Oh?’ I said, trying not to feel that blast of icy fear at the thought of what was still an unknown. I’d only gotten to London today and I wasn’t starting until tomorrow.

  ‘Have you met Zara yet?’ he asked.

  ‘Only via Facebook.’

  ‘Well, she’s cool. Bit fiery, you know, French and everything, but she’s cool.’

  ‘She’s a DP, isn’t she?’

  ‘Yep. Fucking good one, from what I gather’ he said and then I thought I saw the merest hint of a blush. I knew then and there, Mike had a crush on Zara. I’d been here ten minutes and I was already sniffing out house mate drama. Classic.

  ‘Anyway, I’ll let you settle in. Zara should be back soon, come down later and we’ll hang out, do the getting-to-know-you thing.’

  And off he went. I sat back down, not sure what to do with myself. In the end, I lay back on the bed, to see if I could nap. I was exhausted. Not from the trip, it was only two hours on a train and I hadn’t had to pack a lot because I didn’t own a lot. It was this massive life shift that had drained me. Only one week ago I’d been stuck order picking, hating my life. And now I lived in another place and I was about to start a new life. It was a lot to process and my brain wasn’t quite up to speed yet. But it wasn’t just change that was tiring. I was fucking terrified. No matter how much Robbie had assured me I was going to do great things, the voice of doubt was still yelling in my other ear. But there was no backing out now. I was here.

  I thought of Hannah. We’d agreed pretty quickly that if I was leaving town, then that was that. She’d told me that she’d miss me and that she wished me well and I gave her the same and we were officially done. I really was going to miss her. She was sweet, short attention span or not. Even though we’d never truly been together, I hadn’t quite been single either and now I was. I was glad I’d packed my vibrator. There wasn’t going to be a lot of time for dating this year, if I did happen to meet anyone. In fact, it was probably for the best that I took a little vow of celibacy here and now. Women were a distraction I could not afford. I wouldn’t get this chance again.

  I heard a door thump below and a French voice that could only belong to my other housemate Zara drifted up the stairs. She sounded angry. ‘What is this!?’ she was yelling. I heard Mike mutter something and then I heard Zara say. ‘I nearly broke my neck!’

  Oh Christ. I’d dropped my laptop satchel downstairs when I’d come in, right near the front door. I’d been so consumed with the fact I was walking into my new home for the first time, I’d forgotten to pick it up again. And Zara had tripped on it.

  I left my room and ran downstairs, hoping that I hadn’t just pissed off my housemate before I’d even met her. As I got halfway down, there she was, Zara. She was tiny, less than five foot but she was the kind of person who didn’t need physical stature to impose. She was pretty in that intensely bitchy way. She looked up as I came down to meet her and she didn’t smile.

  ‘I’m sorry’ I told her. ‘I forgot my bag.’

  ‘You’ll learn that if you leave things lying about, they are hazards. It’s practically rule one of film making’ she sneered.

  Great start.

  ‘Yeah, sorry’ I repeated, but I was feeling much less contrite. She was being a bit more cunty than she needed to be.

  Mike jumped out of the living room and stood between us. ‘Come on Zara, she just got here. Take it easy, would you?’

  Zara looked at Mike and for a second, I thought she was going to bite his head off. But she took a deep breath and turned back to me. ‘Fine, yes, sorry. Welcome to the house.’

  My gratitude for Mike was boundless. I’d felt a moment ago like I was very much on the outside in my new home. I’d assumed Mike and Zara had bonded already and I’d never crack that seal. But he was alright, Mike. Whatever his relationship with Zara was, he obviously wasn’t one to be cowed by her. I didn’t know if I’d be able to claim the same. Only time would tell.

  After the awkward start, we sat down to paper over the cracks with some chatter and cheap wine, offered by Mike.

  ‘So, how’s it been at BSF so far?’ I asked, taking a sip of the vinegary liquid.

  Zara shrugged. ‘It’s all a bit timid right now. Everyone is creeping around everyone else, trying to figure out who’s useful to them and who isn’t.’

  That had not been what I wanted to hear. But Mike tutted and shook his head at Zara. ‘It’s nowhere near as cut throat as all that. Don’t listen to her. People are just nervous, that’s all.’

  Nervous was better. I could work with nervous. Nervous was very much my wheelhouse. I decided to ask the question I’d been waiting to pose from the second I’d gotten here. ‘So what happened to the other person that lived here before?’

  Mike glanced at Zara, who raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Mike looked back at me. ‘Break down.’

  My mouth fell open. ‘After two weeks?’

  Mike took a deep drink. Zara picked up the tale. ‘Apparently, he got into an argument with one of the teachers and then he just left.’

  ‘That was it? An argument?’

  ‘People say it was more of a screaming match’ Mike added.

  ‘A screaming match’ with one of the teachers, one of my teachers. What was the betting it would turn out to be the woman that had dismembered me in my interview? Kim Gray. I knew her name well because it had played quite a feature in several recent nightmares.

  If I was nervous before, I was sweating bullets now.

  Chapter Three

  People shuffled around me on the busy street, trying to get past, on the way to start their days. I wasn’t hurrying. I was walking the walk of a death row inmate, on the way to her final appointment. I wanted to be excited, I really did. But the story of my predecessor had been spinning around my head all night. I’d gotten about ninety minutes sleep, total. There were shadows under my eyes that concealer could only take the edge off. But my long black hair was freshly washed, put up in my usual high ponytail, and my clothes were clean and pressed (jeans and my favourite mustard jumper) so I had that going for me. It had been a while since I’d had to make effort for the day. The catalogue shop had caused me to slump a bit in that department. It felt nice to care again. Still, it was only a disguise. I wanted people to take me in and think I had it together, because I really didn’t.

  But as I trudged toward the school for my first day, I began to realise I was being ridiculous. I was dreading something I should
have been excited about, something that had been my fantasy not too long ago. So there was a mean teacher? So one guy hadn’t been able to deal with her? Why did that mean I had to have the joy of this sucked out of me before I’d even stepped over the threshold? I was here because I’d chosen to be and because in my heart, I wanted and needed to be here. No one was going to take that away, I decided.

  I sped up my pace and dashed up the pavement, past other people presumably headed for the school. Class started in five minutes and the last thing I needed was to be late on my first day. I had too much to do and too much to learn and I was already three weeks behind. The time to lag was gone. In that five minutes of running toward the school, I was a new Allie, running toward the future, the wind at my back and apples in my cheeks.

  But of course, it couldn’t last.

  I walked through the large steel gate at the front, into the colourful, modern new build structure, past the smokers hanging around the front entrance, headed for the front doors. Straight into a turnstile. I stopped and stepped back, watching several people swipe through with ID cards. I didn’t have an ID. I spotted a woman on reception beyond the doors and I called through to her, ‘It’s my first day, I don’t have an ID yet.’

  She buzzed me through and gestured me over. ‘Name?’

  ‘Allie Parker’ I called over, checking the time on my phone. Class was about to start. I didn’t have time for this.

  She tapped something into her computer. ‘What course?’

  ‘Directing Fiction. I’m joining late.’

  ‘You’ll need to go to student admin, get your photo taken. They’ll make you an ID.’

  ‘But I’m supposed to be in 6F right now for my first class.’

  ‘Gotta have ID, it’s a health and safety thing, everyone clocks in and then we know who’s in the building. In case of a fire.’

  Why the fuck hadn’t someone told me that before? It seemed I had not seen the last of the hellish system of clocking in after all. I looked at the neutral face of this woman, who had the power to make me look a tit and I knew she could let me in if she wanted to. ‘Look, it’s my first day and I’m kind of nervous about it. If I go in late, it’ll be…’ I trailed off, not really knowing what it would be. I made my face as sad as I could for the woman, given that the stakes of this situation wouldn’t have looked particularly high to an outsider. But to me, to be on time today, it was crucial. It was the only thing I really had any control over and apparently, I didn’t even have that.

  The receptionist looked at me for a second and I was certain she was just going to repeat the thing about health and safety, which was apparently a big theme of the place considering Zara had already raked me over the coals on this very same ridiculous point the night before. But then she seemed to relent. ‘Alright then, I’ll sign you in as a visitor for now but you need to go to Student Admin today, alright?’

  She pushed a sign-in sheet over to me and I gave her a genuine smile of relief as I jotted my details down. I turned from the desk and then turned back. ‘Oh! 6F?’

  ‘Second floor, elevator’s over there’ she said, pointing over the reception. I followed the finger, calling, ‘Thanks!’ over my shoulder, slipping into the elevator with several people, just before the doors could close. There was a girl in her mid-twenties with blonde pig tails that she shouldn’t have pulled off but somehow did and a guy about the same age with a sour face. They were talking to each other about some film apparently showing tonight at a school preview, World War Five. I knew of it, but it was action movie and I had not planned to see it myself.

  ‘I’m definitely going’ said Pig Tails, ‘I’ve heard there’s a twelve-minute continuous shot on the battlefield that supposed to be incredible.’

  Sour Face shrugged. ‘I’m not seeing that rubbish.’

  Pig Tails laughed. ‘You gotta keep up, Jonny, even if it’s not your cuppa. Gotta know what’s out there.’

  ‘I can’t watch every bit of crap that comes out’ Sour Face, AKA Jonny told her, irritably. ‘It’s bad for the soul.’

  ‘Bad for the soul? Don’t be so pretentious.’

  ‘Your body is affected by the food it consumes and your mind is affected by the art it consumes too. You must know that.’

  ‘I also know that a balanced diet is the best. Which means a little of everything.’

  She had him there. He knew it too because he shut his mouth. The elevator doors opened, and I was at the front so I stepped out first. Pig Tails and Jonny were right behind me. As I walked up the hallway, I realised they were keeping pace. It only occurred to me right then that it was entirely possible that these were fellow filmmaking students, my classmates.

  Low and behold, as I followed the signage to 6F, they followed me in and Pig Tails said, ‘Oh! You’re the new meat!’

  Everyone in the room turned to look at me and I gave a little wave. Apart from Pig Tails, they were all men. It was a small group, the class couldn’t have been more than twelve people, including me. I couldn’t take everyone in in that first glance, I could only really focus on one person in the room, Kim Gray.

  I sat down quickly and then someone else dashed in, a middle-aged guy I remembered from my interview. His name was Pete Mason, he was the other main teacher, the nicer one. I was glad to see him.

  ‘Allie!’ he cried as he came in. ‘I was hoping to catch up with you, say hello. Everyone, this is the new addition, Allie Parker.’

  Everyone mumbled ‘Hi’ and gave me smiles to varying degrees of friendliness. And then Pete went around naming everyone, although I knew I wouldn’t remember them. I did find out that Pig Tales was actually called Janey Bowers. She gave me a very wide smile and I had a feeling she was going to adopt me. I was semi grateful. I needed a friend.

  And then Kim Gray said, ‘Yes, thanks Pete, I think we should have Allie plunged into the deep end today, so she gets the lay of it as quickly as possible.’

  Pete nodded and turned to me and said, ‘Best of luck’ and left. I was alone and wondering what the hell the deep end entailed. I soon found out.

  ‘So, I need progress reports. Where you are with your digital shorts so far?’

  Digital shorts? I knew I’d be making several shorts this year, but people were already in pre-production? How on earth was that possible? Was I supposed to have come with a project ready? I mean, I had ideas. But nothing well formed. And even if I’d had anything I was ready to talk about, I had no script, no crew, no cast.

  Janey started first. ‘OK, so Lilly’s on a second draft and Garret has a storyboard now, so Petra wants to go scouting for locations tomorrow and we’re taking Mathias, so he can advise on sound issues.’

  I was lost. I couldn’t catch hold of the names of the people sat in this room and now there were additional ones being flung about too; I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. This was unfair. Was Kim doing this on purpose, to freak me out? Because she hated me and she had never wanted me here in the first place?

  As everyone in the room gave a report of a similar nature, I found myself tuning out. In my head I was wondering if it was too late to get my deposit back from the new house.

  But eventually, it was over and then Kim turned to me and said, ‘We mix up the disciplines and you work on projects together, so you get the experience of a true set, not the guerrilla stuff you’ve been doing on your own. The first one is a digital short, the groups were decided a few weeks ago, so there’s a group without a director right now, you’ll meet them later. Your…’ she paused briefly, ‘Forerunner left a group hanging so you’ll take his place. There’s a screenwriter, a producer, a DP, an editor and a sound designer who are already working on something. The project has already been decided, you’ll just have to do your best to get caught up. You shoot in two weeks.’

  I nodded although I probably only heard every other word. So this was the deep end? From what I knew so far, the deep end fucking sucked.

  ‘Let’s take a break there’ Kim told everyone. ‘Jane
y, could you drop Allie off at the producer hub, probably the best place for her to start?’

  ‘Sure’ Janey said and she stood, along with everyone else. I realised I was supposed to stand too, but it felt like everyone else was already out of the room, including Janey. I stood quickly, already behind, in every sense, and raced out after Janey.

  She was waiting in the hall. ‘Come on, I’ll get you where you need to go’ she said warmly, and I smiled weakly and followed her back to the elevator where I’d first met her. It seemed like a year ago, but was more like an hour.

  I suppose I had that hit-by-a-truck look about me, because Janey said, ‘That must have been a lot to take in.’

  I nodded, mute in my shock.

  ‘I think Kim did that on purpose. She’s just testing your metal, it’s what she does. It sounds a lot more complex than it actually is. Everyone works together and it’s only a very short short, three to five minutes. And I know the people you’re working with, they’re alright, especially the producer, Victor. Relax, you’ll get caught up in no time. Oh, here we are.’