by Shandi Boyes
I end up dialling my voicemail, so I can hear her voice again.
“Hi baby, I’m so sorry I didn’t get to take you the airport this morning. Someone must have worn me out last night” she giggles softly before she continues “I love you Noah. I will see you real soon”
I listen to her message three more times before I eventually put down my phone. I miss her voice and her beautiful laugh. I can still smell her beautiful vanilla scent filtering through the air.
I look at the door that Jacob has just walked past. He must have been checking on me since he had just left me unattended for five minutes, and that is when I notice a suit bag hanging on the coat rack next to the door. I stagger over towards the bag and slowly start to lower the zipper. The suit is black with dark grey pin stripes through it, there is also a matching dark grey dress shirt and a black tie. I do not recall much of the past four days, and to be honest I can’t remember how we arrived back to Ravenshoe, so I assume the suit is from Jacob for me to wear today. Once I put on the suit, I stare at my reflection in the mirror in my room. This is how I should have looked when Emily would have been walking down the aisle to me. I can imagine how beautiful she would have been in a white dress, holding her favorite flowers in her hands, smiling brightly as she slowly makes her way towards me. But instead of going to our wedding, I am going to my beautiful Emily’s funeral.
Once I put on a pair of black dress shoes I found in a shoe box next to my bedroom door, I walk out into the lounge room where I notice Marcus is sitting at the dining table talking to Slater. I can instantly tell the moment that he notices me as he stops talking and stares at me, causing Slater to turn around and follow his gaze. Slater quickly stumbles out of his chair before wrapping his large arms around my shoulders tightly.
“Noah” was all he whispered as he continued to hold me.
When Slater pulls back from our embrace his brown eyes look directly into mine and I can see the sympathy in his eyes. He doesn’t need to say anything more than he already did, it’s all relayed through his dark eyes.
“I’m so sorry Noah” Marcus apologizes, replacing Slater’s arms with his own.
These guys are my brothers. Both Marcus and Slater have been there for me when my brother’s died. Marcus was the one that dragged me away from Michael’s wreckage when the ambulance arrived, and his parents drove me to the hospital so I wouldn’t have to sit in the back of the ambulance with Michael’s body. They have been with me through every bad fucking event that has happened in my life. But, I don’t even think they will be able to help me to get over the loss of Emily. I don’t know if I will ever be able to recover from this.
Jacob ends up rounding the corner from the kitchen and stops frozen when he sees me standing in the dining room. His eyes roam over my suit, before they return to my face, his eyebrows pulled tight together in unease. I have never worn a suit, so I guess he is just as shocked as I was when I saw that Slater is also wearing a suit today. I am glad that Emily had meant enough to Slater that he put in an effort for her today. No one could meet Emily without falling in love with her, even someone as big and tough as Slater was no match against Emily’s affections.
“Are you ready?” Jacob asks. I nod my head softly, but I don’t think you can ever fully be ready to say goodbye to the person you love.
We all drove to the funeral service together in Marcus’s car. I kept my gaze firmly planted on the scenery outside, watching as small white clouds formed in the blue sky. I wonder what heaven is really like, it must be beautiful since my Emily is there. Once we arrive at the church my normal defence mechanism fully kicks in. Emily was the only one that had helped me to fully live again, and now she is gone. I follow Jacob as we enter the small white church and make our way down to the front row. There is a beautiful picture of Emily smiling brightly in a large white frame on a display stand next to a white coffin.
I recognized this picture, it was the one that Jenni had taken of Emily and I together at Bronte’s Peak. We were looking into each other’s eyes and smiling. She looks so happy back then. That was before I had fucked everything up and let my dreams take me away from her. They had cropped the photo, so it is just Emily’s side profile. She is so incredibly beautiful that I find it hard to tear my gaze away from her picture. I quickly flick my eyes towards the white coffin, that is covered in the white lilies I had requested, before diverting them back to the photo. That beautiful, smiling, happy Emily in that photo couldn’t possibly be the same person that is now lying in that coffin. How can your future look so happy and bright and then it all gets pulled out from underneath you without any warning?
Why did they have to take someone like Emily when there are millions of monsters in the world every day. Murderers, rapists, paedophiles get to breath every fucking day. But my beautiful Emily gets taken away, how is that even fair? I have never asked Jacob what had happened to Emily, I know she is gone and that is all I can handle for now.
I can hear a song playing in the background about being in the arms of an angel and I wish that I could be in the arms of Emily, who is now an angel in heaven.
“Do you still want to be a pallbearer?” Jacob asks delicately, blocking my view of the photo of Emily.
I nod my head, before standing to take my spot at the front right hand side of Emily’s coffin. Her brothers Dominic and Aiden are already positioned on one side, and Jacob and I take the left hand side. When we all lift the white coffin in unison, it feels so light, and then I remember Emily’s tiny petite frame that I would easily be able to wrap my arms around her entire waist. I will never be able to feel her in my arms again.
We start walking out of the church that is packed full of people wanting to say goodbye to my beautiful Emily. Her mom Patrice and dad Mitchell are sitting in the front row of the pew I had just left. Lola is cuddled in close to her mom as tears stream down her face. Jenny, Nick and Nicole are standing in the pew just behind them and I notice Maggie standing next to Slater and Marcus, her blue eyes are surrounded by red rings caused by her steady stream of tears. Nick gently squeezes my shoulder in support as we slowly walk past carrying Emily’s coffin out to the waiting hearse.
Once we exited the church’s white double doors, I notice the flashing of camera lights in the distance. A police barrier they have placed at the front of the church seems to be keeping the paparazzi at bay. The vultures can’t even give me some peace on the day I am burying my fiancé. I look back and notice that Jacob has also spotted them, as the veins on his neck start to bulge in fury.
We walk the last few steps down to the waiting hearse, where we gently place Emily’s coffin inside. The hearse is going to take Emily to her final resting place at the Erkinsvale Lawn Cemetery for a private burial. I place my palm against the cool glass window of the hearse while I whisper softly “I love you beautiful”.
My gaze looks out past Emily’s hearse to a figure leaning against a large tree trunk. Adjusting my eyes to clear my vision, I recognize the face staring back at me. His hair now has more strands of grey in it and his face has a heavier set of wrinkles. But, there is no denying the dark soulless eyes staring back at me, they belong to my dad.
Chapter 3
“It’s good to see you Noah” my dad greets roughly as he completes the last few steps towards me.
The lawn service for Emily has just finished and we are supposed to be going to Emily’s parents’ house for the wake. But when I saw my dad had followed us to the lawn cemetery, I asked Jacob to give me a minute. As I walked over towards my dad, I noticed that he looks similar to the last time I had seen him nearly eight years ago, except for his eyes are darker than I remembered. He is wearing a similar suit to mine, but his has a white dress shirt underneath his black jacket.
“I’m so sorry to hear about your accident” he apologizes, while wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace.
“How are you here?” I ask him, shocked by his sudden arrival. How did he even know about Emily, let alone that her fu
neral was today?
“I was given probation last week” he advises, while he pulls back from our embrace to look into my eyes.
Looking into his eyes makes me feel like I am looking into a mirror. The same shattered soul stares back at me. My dad has lost everything important to him as well, but it was his choice. Losing Emily wasn’t my choice, I would have given anything to have her still with me now.
“Hello Trevor” greets Jacob, as he stands next to me and offers my dad his hand to shake.
“Noah, are you ready to go?” questions Jacob.
I am still staring at my dad as I slowly nod my head. I don’t know why he decided to turn up today of all days, but today is about Emily and it isn’t right for him to show up uninvited like this.
Emily’s wake is being held at her parent’s small house located in Erkinsvale. The instant I walk into their home I know I won’t be able to survive the rest of the day without drinking. Everything in this house reminds me of Emily. Her picture is adorned all over the walls and her vanilla scent is imbedded in the furniture. I head straight for the liquor cabinet in the kitchen and grab the first brown coloured liquid I can find. Unscrewing the lid, I swallow several large gulps directly out of the bottle. It doesn’t take long for the alcohol to start seeping into my veins as I am still partially drunk from the night before. I walk into the lounge room and flop down on the hideous floral sofa. The exact same ugly sofa that Lola and Jacob were making out on over two years ago.
Jenni slowly walks into the room, her eyes are red and puffy, and the instant she looks over at me, small tears start streaming down her white cheeks. She walks over and sits down next to me, before she lowers her head onto my shoulder. I can feel as she exhales small breaths on my neck.
“She would want you to fight Noah” she whispers gently to me.
“She wouldn’t want you to give up, you have to fight for Emily” she whispers, as her tears dampen my black dress shirt.
“She loves you Noah, and if you truly love her, you will live for her” she continues to whisper.
Before she removes the bottle of whiskey from my hand and walks out into the kitchen.
I can feel the deep dark pit in my chest starting to ache. I couldn’t have loved Emily anymore if I tried. She was the love of my life. How can you continue to live without the love of your life?
I can hear a baby crying in the distance and I look over and notice that baby Jasper is nestled on his dad’s chest. When Emily and I had visited Jenni and Nick in the hospital the day after Jasper was born, they had asked us to be Jasper’s godparents. Emily was so excited, she loved little Jasper the instant she saw him. I didn’t know what was required of a godparent and I said that to them when they asked. I wasn’t religious and never attended church, so I couldn’t understand why they would pick someone like me to be Jasper’s godparent. But Jenni explained that it was about showing Jasper leadership and guidance throughout his life. It felt euphoric at the time that they entrusted Emily and I with such an important role in their son’s life, but now it feels empty and meaningless.
My stomach starts to churn for the large volume of alcohol I had guzzled too quickly. I stumble towards the bathroom to empty all of my stomach contents. I have not eaten in the past four days and the only thing my stomach is able to expel was the alcohol I had just consumed. When leaving the bathroom, I remember the first time I had met Emily. She was leaning against her bedroom door after she had busted me laughing at her hideous family portrait. Emily later told me she was ten years old in that picture. That meant she had already lived half her life by that stage.
I peer inside Emily’s room and notice that it still looks the same way it did when she use to live her. Her pink floral bedspread is still perfectly in place on her white cast iron bed, and her bedside table has her vanilla body lotion still sitting on the top. I had asked Emily to be my wife in that bed. She thought I had only asked her as she had been snooping and found the ring I was hiding in my wallet, but that wasn’t true. I had known after the first month of dating Emily that I wanted her to be my wife, but I had wanted her to have better, so I waited. I wish I would have just asked her when I had first brought the ring. We could have been married by now, but instead she will always be remembered as Emily McIntosh instead of her rightful title of Emily Taylor.
People thought we were too young when we announced that we were planning on getting married on our second anniversary. But we didn’t feel like we were too young, we both knew how much we loved each other and we knew that was enough. Why do you have to spend years waiting until you reach a certain age to marry someone, if you know the instant you meet them that you were destined to be together.
The night I had met Emily I had asked Lola to use the bathroom after I had had too many beers at Maverick’s performing. I knew I was never going to be able to make the whole drive back to Ravenshoe without taking a leak, so I interrupted Lola making out with Jacob to ask to use the toilet.
“It’s the last door on the left” I recall Lola stating.
On the left, I repeat to myself. My eyes flicking between the bathroom door and Emily’s room. She said on the left. No, she wouldn’t have. That fucking bitch. I go storming out of the hallway, my legs moving surprisingly quick considering how much I had been stumbling earlier.
“Lola” I scream out at the top of my lungs, causing several people standing in the lounge room to peer over towards me.
“Lola” I yell again, as I quickly move through Emily’s house trying to find her older sister.
Jacob starts moving in my direction as I spot Lola standing in the back yard. My legs quickly closing the distance between us.
“You said the door on the left” I angrily state, while glaring at her.
Lola’s eyes look up towards mine with such sadness before she attempts to walk away. I can’t help my fury as I grab her arm with force to pull her back to face me.
“You said the door on the left” I repeat angrily.
Her eyes flickering between mine, before she slowly starts nodding her head.
“Why did you do that?” I question as my voice cracks in emotion.
Why would she do that to me?
“Noah, let her go” Jacob requests as he attempts to remove Lola’s arm from my forceful grip.
“Did you know Jacob?” I ask angrily as I release my death tight grip on Lola’s arm, while turning to face Jacob.
“Did you fucking know that she sent me straight to Emily’s room?” I question angrily, while looking back at Lola who has started crying.
“Yes Noah, I knew” he replies remorsefully as he steps closer to me, while pulling Lola behind him.
I wasn’t going to hurt Lola; I would never put my hands on a woman. But Jacob might not be
so lucky.
“Why Jacob, if I had never met Emily she would still be alive right now. But you had to force her into my life and now she is fucking dead” I yell angrily at him as I clench my fists tight.
Someone comes and stands behind me, gently placing their hand on my shoulder in an attempt to calm me down.
Emily’s room was on the left; the bathroom was on the right. So even if she hadn’t heard me laughing at her family portrait that night we would have eventually met, because Lola and Jacob made sure of it. They knew once I met someone like Emily I wouldn’t have been able to let her go. Emily imprints herself on everyone she meets, you can’t help but fall in love with her, but that wasn’t their choice. They should have just left me the fuck alone and Emily would have still been alive. I was fine living my life the way I was; why did they have to force Emily into my fucked up life? I grab Jacob roughly by his shirt as I hear Lola yell behind him.
“Would you have rather had two years than none at all?” causing my gaze to quickly turn back to Lola’s.
“Because I know she would have picked to have two years with you Noah, then to have never met you at all” she whispers as she moves from behind Jacob to stand in front of me.
The first thing I notice when exiting the front of Emily’s parents’ house is Nick’s truck at the end of the driveway. I swiftly run over and jump into the cab, before frantically searching for his spare keys. I open the glove compartment, throw down the visor and check under the seat, before I finally locate the spare key hidden in the sunglasses compartment. I roughly force the key into the ignition and Nick’s black beast fires into life on the first turn of the cogs. I can hear Jacob yelling for me to wait in the distance. As I rev the engine of Nick’s truck, I peer into the revision mirror to notice Jacob running towards me. For the size of him, he is a lot faster than I had expected. I slam my foot down hard on the accelerator, before turning my gaze from the revision mirror to the driveway. That is when I notice a figure standing in middle of the driveway blocking my exit. I lock the truck’s brakes up hard, skidding before coming to a complete stop, narrowly missing them with the bulbar of Nick’s truck.