by Shandi Boyes
“I’ll do the tour” I reply hoarsely.
Nick stops pacing and freezes on the spot with his hands in his hair, as his anxious gaze turns towards me.
“No Noah, we will work this out. I can sell the house and we can get a loan or something. Cormack can’t the studio give us an advance on the second album?” Nick questions as he moves back closer to the table we are all sitting around.
“No sorry Nick, with everything going on at the moment….with….ummm” Cormack stumbles out.
“They know that I won’t be completing a second album” I reply for Cormack.
Cormack already knew that I would have never been able to come back from the devastating loss of Emily. He knew how much I loved her when he agreed without hesitation to let me perform ‘Surrender Me’ acoustically on MTV. The executives of the show wouldn’t allow me to change the schedule of our performance without permission from someone in the record company. I knew that Delilah would have never agreed, so I called Cormack, and after I had explained everything that had happened with Emily he instantly gave me permission. He even called the executive producer of MTV direct to inform him.
I turn and see that Slater, Marcus and Nick are all staring at me with their eyebrows pulled together. I think it has only just dawned on them that they not only lost Emily, they have also lost me. I know after this tour I am done. I will no longer be the lead singer of ‘Rise Up’.
“On one condition though” I advise as I turn to face Cormack.
“I will not be performing ‘Surrender Me’ at any of the concerts” I say as Cormack eyebrows pull together and he looks like he is about to rebut on my remark.
“It’s not fucking negotiable” I advise as I walk into the kitchen in search of the closest liquor bottle.
Chapter 5
I never thought I would be the one that had to convince the rest of the band that we needed to finalise the tour as the contract states. But I knew they would never be able to survive this kind of debt. We have only just started to see some of the endorsement cheques come in after twelve months of hard work. But before we signed our contract with Destiny Records none of the band members of ‘Rise Up’ were financially stable, so I couldn’t burden them with this. I know Emily would have wanted me to do this, she would have wanted me to help our friends. So after a heated discussion it has been agreed that we will finish the remaining five weeks of the tour. We won’t be getting paid a cent, as the two hundred-thousand-dollar payment that was negotiated when we originally signed the contract will go towards the compensation they have requested for the San Francisco gig we missed.
So today, five days after losing my beautiful fiancé and one day after burying her, I have to pack a suitcase to get ready to go on the road. Back to the very thing that had taken me away from Emily for months. My passion for music was always pumping though my veins from the day I was born. My dad had always lived his life through music and I was following in his same footsteps. But the passion I had was extinguished the instant I lost Emily. She was the reason I had been working so hard the past year so I could give her everything she had ever wanted. Now, I would give anything just to have another day with her. I would give it all away in an instant, if I was able to see her beautiful face again.
“You know you don’t have to do this Noah” Jacob declares from the doorframe he is leaning against with his arms crossed.
“They don’t expect you to do this, everyone will understand if you decided that you can’t go through with it” he advises as he walks into my room and picks up the framed photo I have of Emily on my drawers.
To say that I feel incredibly guilty that I am currently packing right now to go on tour would be a fucking major understatement. I feel riddled with guilt, but how much worse would that guilt be if I just watched everything the guys had worked so hard to achieve go down the fucking toilet. I can do this for them and then I won’t feel so guilty when I leave them.
“Do you want to do this?” Jacob asks looking directly into my eyes.
No. No, I fucking don’t. I don’t even feel like I can breathe without Emily, let alone perform. But I can’t tell Jacob that, so I pretend that I am considering his question before I reply.
“Yes” I reply softly.
Jacob’s eyebrows pull together as his blue eyes stare directly into mine, before he takes in a deep long inhale of breath.
“Okay, then we are going to do this” he announces as he quickly walks out of my room.
We? I follow Jacob out of my room and into his room that is located at the end of the hall.
“We?” I question Jacob, as he pulls a suitcase down from his walk in closest.
“Yep, we” he replies, while grabbing handfuls of clothes out of his drawers and stuffs them into his open suitcase on his bed.
“I told you that I won’t let you go through this alone Noah and I wasn’t fucking kidding. So if you are going on tour, I am coming with you” Jacob states firmly.
I stand frozen in his doorway, watching as he packs everything he can get his hands. Jacob can’t just pack up everything and come with us. He has a life here; his own life he should be living. I also don’t need a fucking babysitter.
“What about Lola?” I ask him, causing him to stop aggressively pushing his clothes into the suitcase before he turns to face me. His face showing clearly that he is in turmoil over his decision to leave Lola to come with us on the road.
“I know why you are doing this Noah. You think this is your final penance to the band. Your last kind act before you can go and be with Emily” he replies firmly while looking at me.
I quickly shake my head no, but then I remember that Jacob knows me too well.
“I told you I will fight with you Noah and that is exactly what I am going to do” Jacob advises firmly, before he returns to packing his suitcase.
“Fucking Jacob” I murmur under my breath, before I return back to my room to continue packing.
I know that I had said to Jacob that I would try and fight, but I never fucking promised him anything. But I did promise myself that I would do this one last final favour for my band mates and I will follow through with that promise. I never make a promise I can’t keep. He doesn’t need to continue to follow me like a fucking shadow.
“I promised Emily I would always be there for you, Noah” Jacob says sullenly from the hallway before he slowly walks inside.
“I’m just trying to keep my promise to her” he replies, as he walks over and hands me a small white envelope.
My eyes quickly flick up to Jacob’s, he seems hesitant when I reach out and take the envelope from his hands. The envelope is unmarked and feels light in weight. I slowly pull open the seal and drop the envelopes contents into my hand. That is when I notice a small wooden guitar that is moulded into a necklace pendant. I pull together my eyebrows in confusion as I look back towards Jacob. He looks down at the pendant and flips it over, and that is when I see it. Her beautiful hand writing in permanent black ink.
“Emily” I whisper.
On the back of the guitar pendant is part of the inscription that was on the guitar Emily had brought me for my birthday last year. It wasn’t the whole original inscription, but it was her beautiful name.
Emily xx
“How Jacob?” I whisper, as my eyes start to burn from a sudden rush of moisture forming in them.
“It was found intact in the shattered remains of your guitar. I knew how much that guitar meant to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t get the whole inscription” he advises softly while gazing over at me with apprehension on his face.
“I was able to get them to sand and lacquer part of the original guitar Emily had given you onto this pendant” he explains, as I look over the guitar pendant.
It is made out of solid wood and appears hand crafted into the same shape as my 1957 J-45 Gibson guitar, and it is varnished in the same sunburst color. The necklace that is holding the pendant has been woven out of guitar strings and black leather, that is j
oined together by a silver clasp. I immediately open the clasp and put the necklace on. The guitar pendant sits down low enough that it is in the middle of my chest. I now have Emily exactly where she belongs, right next to my heart.
“Happy Birthday Noah” Jacob whispers, as he wraps his arms tight around my shoulders.
I had completely forgotten that today was my twenty third birthday.
Chapter 6
The instant we depart the San Francisco domestic terminal we are inundated with flashing lights of cameras from the paparazzi that were there waiting for us to arrive. This is the first time the band has been seen together since our album had made it to number one on the billboard charts. I have seen the paparazzi go pretty crazy before but today it was complete hysteria. I feel like I am going to be trampled as they push hard against the security personal the airport had supplied for us. The paparazzi always yell out questions trying to seek a reaction out of me, and I have learnt over the past few months just to put my head down and ignore their endless questions. Not giving them the satisfaction of getting a reaction out of me, so today was going to be no different.
“Noah, do you wish to comment on your relationship with Hope Bennett?”
“Noah, where have you been hiding the past week?”
“Noah, this way, Noah”
The questions continue coming hard and fast as I try to shield my eyes from the blinding camera flashes to locate the black limousine the studio had sent for us.
“Noah, why did you cancel your first San Francisco concert?”
“Noah, whose funeral were you attending last week?” questions a male voice casually in the distance.
Feeling my heart sink, I instantly stop walking as I clench my fists tight. My eyes darting around trying to adjust to the blinding lights so I can locate the person that had just asked that question. How could someone be so fucking insensitive to ask a personal question like that so casually, like they were asking what I had for lunch today.
“Just keep walking Noah” instructs Marcus softly beside me.
I can see the resentment and remorse in his eyes, but he knew that they were only asking to spark a reaction from me, and that I had done exactly what they were hoping for.
I had noticed the paparazzi at Emily’s funeral, but because we had agreed to keep our relationship a secret no one in the public had any clue how fucking important she was to me. She was my everything, but it is being reported in the paper that “Noah Taylor lead singer of ‘Rise Up’ attended the funeral of a family friend over the weekend”. A family friend, written in ink as clear as day. Not fiancé, not soul mate, not even girlfriend, just a family friend. I will never forgive myself for not fighting harder for our relationship.
“She knows what she meant to you Noah” Marcus whispers softly, as he huddles closer to me, as we try to push our way through the swarm of paparazzi, before jumping inside the waiting black stretch limousine.
“Holy fuck those guys are crazy” Slater says angrily, while looking out of the limos heavy tinted windows.
The paparazzi have their camera lens pushed right up against the tinted windows, attempting to get a shot inside of the car. I had noticed a huge increase in the amount of paparazzi following me around for a few months, but the rest of the band have been lucky enough to stay relatively unnoticed when going about their day to day lives in Los Angeles.
“Good afternoon boys” Delilah greets from the seat opposite us.
From the craziness going on outside I had not noticed her sitting on the bench seat directly across from me.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I question angrily.
This woman was the sole reason that Emily and I had kept our relationship a secret. She was the reason the public didn’t even know that I had just buried my fiancé. I never thought I could despise someone as much as my mother, but Delilah was cutting it close. I was able to handle my mother’s attempt at making the public believe that I had abandoned her by throwing money at her. A cool one hundred thousand dollars was all it took for her to shut her mouth. When she accepted the cheque, she accepted a disclosure statement that stated she was no longer allowed to discuss me or the band in the public ever again. Cormack advised if she attempts to break the agreement she will be slapped with a lawsuit quicker than she could blink. If only I could throw money at Delilah to get her to disappear as well.
I watch as Delilah’s bitch façade vaguely falters from my angry outburst, before she lifts her shoulders high and narrows her eyes at me.
“It’s nice to see you too Noah” she replies, as she hands us all a sheet of white paper.
I look down at the sheet of paper and notice that it is our tour schedule for the next two weeks. We have three days left to finalise all preparations before our first concert tour commences in San Francisco. ‘Rise Up’s’ very first concert will kick off at AT&T Park on Thursday night.
Looking around at the boys all reading through the schedule, I notice the crystal decanter sitting in a wooden cabinet that is embedded under the window of the limousine. I slide over the dark leather seat to pour myself a large nip of whiskey that is inside the decanter. Jacob is watching me out of the corner of his eye, but he knows this is the only way that I can cope for now. If I don’t drown away my sorrows, I won’t be able to survive the next five weeks. The rest of the trip back to the hotel is pretty much a blur. I can hear the guys all discussing the concert dates, but I was too busy looking outside to the blue sky above, while the alcohol slowly seeped into my system.
I spent the next three days of practice and sound checks heavily intoxicated. A lot of the songs we are preparing to perform tonight I have sung hundreds of times before. I could sing the lyrics no matter how wasted I was. But even when I missed the occasional line in a song the guys would never say anything. They just continued to play like I never made a mistake. Tonight we are playing at AT&T stadium. It was supposed to be our third concert in San Francisco, but it is going to be our one and only concert here. I had met the guys from ‘O’Reilly Brothers’ last night and I remembered how Emily gushed over them when I told her that ‘Rise Up’ was going to be their supporting act. She said they were one of her favorite bands. If everything had gone to plan, she would have been here watching us perform side by side. Why did everything have to get so fucked up? Why the fuck did the carpet get pulled out from under my feet? Why Emily?
My anger starts to rise, causing me to throw the crystal glass full of scotch I was currently drinking over towards the brick wall. It sends glass shards flying across the dressing room, only narrowing missing Nick, who I didn’t realise was sitting on the sofa. He lifts his head and looks at me, but he doesn’t say anything. What could he possibly say in a situation like this. He knew that I was doing this concert tour for the band, so he puts up with my erratic behaviour.
“Are you ok Noah?” Jacob questions from the corner of the room.
I should have fucking known that he was standing there watching me, forever being my shadow. I turn my gaze towards him and notice he is standing with his arms crossed, blocking the doorway from the people that are milling around outside the dressing room. I was just about to nod my head when I notice that Delilah is heading towards me. Like my mood couldn’t get any worse than it already is.
“Noah, I am of the understanding that you agreed to do these concerts under the negotiation that you will not be singing the song Surrender Me?” she questions while looking at me.
I think this is the first time Delilah has even spoken to me in a normal tone the past year.
“Would you please reconsider?” she requests while looking into my eyes.
I nearly fall of my chair that the Ice Queen even knows the word please. But, there is no fucking chance in hell that I will be able to perform that song. That was the song I wrote for Emily when I met her. It was about opening my heart and surrendering it to her. I can’t be expected to perform that song. It would fucking kill me.
“Not a chance” I re
ply calmly, even though I can feel my annoyance rising deep from within, as my stomach starts to swirl.
“It is the number one song in the country Noah. Your fans will be expecting you to perform it” she replies. Her eyes have slightly narrowed, but they are darting between mine, hoping that I may reconsider my answer.
“You ready?” asks the sound engineer, who had just ducked his head into the dressing room.
I quickly finish tying my black boot laces before standing up to follow the sound engineer out of the dressing room. Nick, Slater, Marcus and I all follow behind him as he leads us towards the stage. I have decided to wear my normal clothes that I always wear when performing. Black jeans, a white shirt and my black boots, but today I had the extra accessory of the guitar pendant with Emily’s name proudly displayed around my neck. Delilah watches me as she follows us out of the dressing room, but doesn’t utter a sound.