by Shandi Boyes
“Can you see Emily, Noah?” she whispers softly.
I feel Noah’s hand move slightly against my back, that it causes my eyes to pop open again, but this time in surprise. Dr Miller is smiling down towards me, as she had also noticed Noah’s movement. I lean against my elbow and look up into Noah’s beautiful face and notice a small tear in the corner of his eye. I gently brush away the tear with my thumb, while I look at Dr Miller nervously.
“Just keep breathing Noah, in and out, slowing breathe in a nice deep breath, hold it in and then breathe it out” she instructs gently.
“What do you want to tell Emily, Noah?” Dr Miller questions.
Noah’s eyebrows slowly pull together, before his left fist starts clenching. His heart monitor on the side of the bed starts beeping, as his heart rate increases. I turn my gaze from the heart monitor to Dr Miller concerned.
“Just breathe Noah, keep breathing, in and out, try and stay calm” requests Dr Miller as she places her hand over Noah’s now closed fist.
“It’s ok Noah, try to continue taking deeps breaths” instructs Dr Miller as she turns and faces the heart monitor. I can feel my heart racing a million miles an hour as I watch Noah’s heart rate start to soar.
“You did really well, I am proud of you” she compliments Noah proudly.
She continues to praise Noah for how well he is doing as I quietly slip out of his bed. The more she praises him, the more his heart rate starts to lower. I feel queasy and unsettled that I decide to go into the bathroom to splash some water over my face.
Noah seems to be responding to the techniques that Dr Miller is using, but his responses always seem to be negative and painful, and it is killing me inside to think that he could be in any pain. Dr Miller walks into the bathroom and notices the tears that have started falling from my eyes.
“When did Noah last see you, Emily?” Dr Miller asks delicately as she walks into the bathroom and hands me a tissue.
“The day of the accident” I reply, as I use the tissue to wipe my running nose and I lower the toilet seat to sit down.
After I finished blowing my nose, I turn my gaze towards Dr Miller who has an apprehensive look on her face.
“Can you explain to me exactly what happened that day?” Dr Miller questions.
“I was rushing to Noah to tell him…. to tell him something, when the traffic became bumper to bumper. A police officer said there was an accident and that I would have to go another route. I remember having a terrible feeling that something was wrong with Noah that I started running towards the accident scene. When I was yelling out his name a detective that knows Noah was standing behind the police barrier and he recognised me. When he walked over towards me, I noticed Noah’s broken guitar on the ground. I ran into the middle of the accident scene and that is when I saw Noah lying on the ground…his body was badly damaged and the ambulance officers were working on him” I reply while the endless stream of tears flow down my face.
“Was Noah unconscious by then?” Dr Miller questions.
I immediately start shaking my head, the doctors had tried to say that, but I knew it wasn’t true.
“No, he said my name when I first kneeled down beside him” I advise as I swallow the bile that is rising from my stomach.
“Then what happened?” she questions sensitively.
“Noah started having a fit and I was grabbed by the detective and was dragged away from him” I reply softly.
I try to take in several large deep breaths to settle the swirling of my stomach. Dr Miller moves away from the door frame and kneels down in front of me, seeking my gaze. When I turn my eyes towards her, she offers me a small smile.
“The last memory Noah has of you is a negative memory. That is why he seems upset when I mention you” she advises delicately.
This causes me to start sobbing loudly, the fact that Noah gets upset every time my name is mentioned breaks my heart.
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He is fighting as he wants to come back to you” she states tenderly, as she rubs her hand down my arm offering me comfort.
I try to consider what Dr Miller is saying, but I don’t want Noah to be in any pain, let alone pain when he is thinking about me.
“He loves you Emily” she whispers gently, before standing up and washing her hands in the sink.
That is when Jacob comes barrelling into the room, his gaze seeking mine as his face goes white.
“Are you ok? Is the baby ok?” Jacob asked anxiously as he moves swiftly towards me.
I had forgotten that today was Saturday, and Jacob doesn’t have to do any community service on weekends, so he will spend his weekends with Noah and I.
“We are both fine” I reply quickly.
I can see Dr Millers gaze turns down towards my stomach, as her eyebrows pull together. When I dart my eyes up towards Jacob, you can see the remorse on his face, as he quietly whispers his apologizes.
"I’m sorry Emily, but when I walked in and you were sitting on the toilet crying I assumed the worst” apologizes Jacob as we walk side by side down the corridor.
Dr Miller suggested to Jacob that he should take me to get some lunch in the hospital cafeteria, while she continued with her session with Noah. I didn’t want to leave Noah, but Dr Miller promised that she would have us immediately paged over the hospitals loud speaker if Noah showed any signs that he was waking up.
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it” I respond.
I am not sure how much longer I am going to be able to keep my secret, as my belly is starting to show.
“How are your anger management classes going?” I ask Jacob as we enter the cafeteria.
Jacob lets out a deep growl as he shakes his head in frustration, this causes me to smile. Obviously Jacob was loving his anger management classes.
“Don’t even laugh Emily” Jacob declares, when he notices me smiling.
I try to hide my smile, but the more he glances over towards me, the more my smile starts to radiate.
Jacob tries not to smile back, but as he murmurs “it’s fucking bullshit” under his breath, you can see the whites of his teeth as he smiles.
We both grab a plate of the cafeteria special. It is supposed to be sweet and sour chicken, but it appears more like a weak orange broth poured over some boiled rice. We take a seat at one of the many vacant tables.
“Who was that lady in the bathroom?” Jacob immediately questions as we sit down.
I advise Jacob of who Dr Miller is and what her sessions with Noah are about, but I decide not to tell him about my first run in with her. Jacob defends Noah just as fierce as Noah defends me, and I knew that Dr Miller would forever remain an enemy to Jacob if I had told him about how we had first met. Her attitude and demeanour towards Noah has changed dramatically the past week and she is trying to make up for her lack in judgement. I also accepted her apology, so I can’t continue to hold it against her.
“She’s pretty hot” Jacob advises, as he shoves a forkful of food into his mouth.
You can see the disgusted look on Jacob’s face as he tries to swallow down the food he has just shovelled in.
“That’s disgusting” he declares, before spooning in another mouthful.
I push my plate of food away from me, causing Jacob to lift his eyebrows. He then throws a large dinner roll he had sitting on his tray towards me as his eyebrows lift even higher. Once I pull off a large chunk of bread and pop it into my mouth Jacob’s eyebrows narrow, before he commences eating again.
“Should you be telling me you think someone is hot?” I ask Jacob.
“Why not?” he replies, as he polishes off the last of his food, before pulling my full plate over towards himself to devour.
“Lola?” I question.
Jacob freezes, his fork full of rice sitting just mere inches away from his open mouth. His blue eyes, that are staring directly into mine, are pulled together in confusion. He slightly shakes his head, before he commences eating again, n
ever saying a word.
Chapter 29
Two weeks later, I wake up startled by mild stomach cramps. I am lying against Noah’s side and even through his hospital bed is bigger than the original one he was in, it’s still a tight squeeze. Most mornings I wake up with a sore back or hip from laying in the same position, but this morning the pain feels more intense. I slowly slide out of the bed in an attempt to stretch my sore muscles and when I stand I feel a sudden gush of liquid run into my underwear.
My heart starts rapidly beating as my stomach drops. I quietly make my way towards the bathroom, trying not to wake up Jacob who is sleeping on the reclining chair next to Noah’s bed.
I quickly lower my yoga pants and underwear as I sit down on the toilet. I silently beg for our baby to be ok as I peer down into my underwear. My stomach plunges and my heart cracks when I notice my underwear is covered in red blood.
“No” I cry loudly, as large tears start dropping onto my bare thighs.
“Emily, are you ok?” Jacob questions outside of the bathroom door.
My eyes quickly dart around the room seeking any female hygiene products that I could use, as my loud sobs echo through the white tiled bathroom.
“Em?” Jacob questions, as he attempts to open the locked bathroom door.
“Just a minute” I answer as I try to lessen my sobs.
I quickly grab a large wad of toilet paper and place it into my blood soaked underwear. I move over towards the sink to wash my hands, while using a paper towel to dry my tear soaked face. I take in several large deep breaths as I move near the bathroom door. When I open it, I notice Jacob is standing right in the doorway, his face marred with alarm. I try to put on a brave face, but it crumbles the instant I see Noah. I can’t lose our baby; I can’t lose the most precious gift Noah has ever given me.
I quickly sprint out into the corridor with Jacob closely following behind. The tears are once again streaming down my face.
“Emily what’s wrong?” Jacob questions fretfully.
I try to form words, but I am so upset I feel like I can’t breathe, let alone speak.
“Is it the baby?” Jacob questions as his eyes flicker between mine.
I look into his sad eyes and slowly nod my head, causing the contents of my nose to run down my face. I wipe under my nose with my sleeve, as Jacob’s concerned eyebrows pull together and his eyes gloss with sadness.
“I’m bleeding” I eventually respond between sobs.
Jacob swiftly pulls me in close to his chests, running his hands soothingly down my hair as he tries to comfort me.
“It’s okay Emily, it’s okay” he whispers gently.
I stay crying in Jacob’s arm for several minutes, as I try to get the erratic beating of my heart under control.
“What do we do? What can I do?” Jacob questions, once my sobs start to lessen.
“I don’t know, but you can’t say anything in front of Noah. Dr Miller said that he can most likely hear things that are going on around him. Promise me that you won’t tell him I lost the baby” I beg.
Jacob stiffens to my pleads, before he eventually nods his head. I know how much he hates keeping secrets from Noah, but I know this would create a huge step back in Noah’s recovery.
“Are you sure you have lost the baby?” Jacob questions, just as Dr Miller walks past us.
She appears to slightly falter in her step, as she turns to glare at Jacob, before she walks into Noah’s room.
“I don’t know” I reply softly once Dr Miller is out of earshot.
Jacob grabs his cell phone out of his pocket, before he starts tapping on the screen, once he locates what he wants he lifts the phone to his ear.
“No Jacob you can’t tell anyone” I state as I attempt to pull the phone away from him.
“Hello, I need to make an urgent appointment please. My friends is…” Jacob states as he peers over towards me.
“How many weeks?” Jacob questions softly
“I don’t know; I think maybe four to five months?” I reply.
I haven’t even done a pregnancy test, but the rapid growing of my stomach was all the proof I needed to know I was pregnant.
“My friend is four to five months pregnant and she started bleeding today. Uh huh…. okay… no that is fine” Jacob replies into the phone as he starts digging into his pants pocket.
He pulls out his wallet and removes his credit card to recite his credit details over the phone.
“Yes… okay …thank you…bye” Jacob replies before disconnecting the call.
I watch Jacob curiously as he put his credit card back into his wallet and places it and his phone back into his pocket.
“Dr Morgan, a local obstetrician, was able to schedule you an emergency appointment for two pm today. It has all been paid for, so you just need to turn up, the nurse on the phone said to make sure you drink lots of water before you arrive, something about you need to have a full bladder?” Jacob advises.
“What about Noah?” I instantly reply.
I haven’t left the hospital since Noah arrived here over two months ago.
“I will stay with Noah, you need to go and check on the baby” Jacob replies sympathetically.
I nod my head at Jacob, I need to find out what is happening with our unborn baby. I would never forgive myself if it there was something I could have done to save him.
“Come on, let’s see how his session today is going and then I will organise a taxi to take you to your appointment this afternoon” advises Jacob as he attempts to walk back into Noah’s room.
“I…umm…have to…umm …get some lady things” I advise embarrassed.
I can feel the heat in my cheeks as Jacob face whitens and he looks a little unwell.
“I would offer to help you Emily, but…” Jacob starts to reply
“I don’t need you to get me that” I rebut while blushing.
I then suddenly feel more liquid gushing down my pant leg. Quickly peering down, I notice a small trail of red blood that is being absorbed by the light grey material of my pants. My gaze returns to Jacob as I start to pant hard in panic and a large pit forms in my stomach. I can tell by his face that he has also noticed the trail of blood.
“It’s alright” he states softly, as he ushers me quickly into the bathroom located in Noah’s room.
“I will be back in a few minutes, okay” he advises panicked, he walks out of the bathroom before he turns back to face me. He looks like he wants to say something but his eyes just stare directly into mine, before he quickly turns around and storms out of the room.
I begin pacing back and forth in the small white tiled bathroom, as I silently beg over and over again asking for our baby to be ok. But after seeing the bright red blood running down my leg, it feels like my pleads for mercy are going to be too late.
“Em, can I come in?” asks Jacob outside of the door a few minutes after he had left.
I walk over to unlock the door and notice that Jacob’s face is still as white as a ghost.
“The pharmacy lady said that you have to use these when you are pregnant” he advises as he hands over the large packet of heavy flow sanitary pads.
“Thank you Jacob” I reply softly; he offers me a small smile before he closes the door to give me some privacy.
It is only once I move back near the shower do I realise that I am going to need a change of clothes and underwear. I quickly open the bathroom door to try and seek Jacob, but he doesn’t appear to be in Noah’s room. I tiptoe quietly into the vacant room to my suitcase that is lying in the corner. I keep my gaze away from Noah lying on the bed, I know if I look at him right now my heart would crack even more. I unzip the suitcase and grab a fresh change of clothes and underwear, before turning to walk back into the bathroom.
“Is everything ok?” questions Dr Miller with worry on her face.
She had startled me as I didn’t hear her enter the room. Her gaze glances down towards the blood stain that has absorbed into my pan
ts, before her face morphs into a frown.
“Everything is fine” I reply quickly as I run swiftly into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.
Chapter 30
By the time I had showered and changed, Dr Miller had finalised her physio session with Noah.
“He has done really well today Emily” she advises me delicately, as I walk over to Noah’s bedside.
The hot water had helped to fade the tear stains that were marked on my face, but I am confident I still look like a wreck. I didn’t realise Jacob was in the room until he gently grasped my hand within his. I turn my gaze up towards Jacob and he is smiling softly, but his eyes are questioning how I am, without him needing to say a word. I give him a gentle nod of my head letting him know that I am okay, as I don’t want to say anything in front of Noah and Dr Miller. I want Noah to fully concentrate on getting better, and I don’t want anything to hinder his progress.