Michael's Discovery

by Sherryl Woods

  Beyond passion and the promise of a pension from the navy, what did he really have to offer her? He was still only a shadow of his former self. Oh, he would be back on his feet, capable of walking more than a few feet, in a matter of weeks now, but what the devil was he going to do with himself then? More than most, he knew the value of having a profession that mattered, not for the money, but for the self-respect, something that despite the Havilceks’ best efforts had eluded him until he’d become a SEAL. How was he going to find that self-respect again in his altered world?

  Up until now he’d been consumed with proving the doctors wrong and walking again. Now he was going to have to face the fact that the fight ahead to find a new role for himself was going to be just as challenging. And, unfortunately, this was one challenge Kelly couldn’t help him meet. He was going to have to face it squarely on his own.

  He glanced down at her as she sighed and snuggled more tightly against him. At least now, though, he had a reason outside of his own ego to make something of his life. He’d desperately needed that motivating factor, probably in a way that wasn’t entirely smart or healthy. Bottom line, though, Kelly had given him a reason to move on.

  As if she sensed his turmoil, Kelly turned restless, then slowly stretched and blinked before finally focusing on his face.

  “Hi,” she murmured, reaching for the sheet as if she’d suddenly turned shy.

  Michael kept the sheet just out of reach. “Don’t,” he chided. “I like looking at you.”

  She seemed startled by that. “You do?”

  He grinned. “Come on now. You’re a gorgeous woman. I’m a red-blooded male. Who knows what looking might lead to.”

  Her eyes sparkled with sudden fascination. “Really? Tell me.”

  “Why don’t I show you?” he said, reaching for her. It took him over an hour to make his point to his thorough and complete satisfaction. Kelly gave herself up completely to him, holding nothing back. She was remarkable.

  For Michael, the effort proved one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt. He had to be able to come to her as the kind of man she deserved…or he had to let her go.

  Kelly knew she was probably behaving like a giddy schoolgirl when she arrived at the rehab clinic early Saturday morning for her weekly coffee and sugar-laden treats date with Moira, but she couldn’t help it. Last night had been the most magical night of her life. If it showed on her face, if she couldn’t seem to stop smiling, well, too bad. Moira was the one person she could count on to understand completely. She’d been grinning a lot lately, too.

  Kelly walked into her boss’s office and plunked the bag of doughnuts on Moira’s desk, then handed her the paper cup of latte from the trendy coffee shop down the street. Moira glanced up from her pile of paperwork, tossed down her pen and studied Kelly’s face with searing intensity.

  “Uh-oh,” she said eventually. “Something happened between you and Michael, didn’t it?”

  “Did I ask you to tell all when you and Bryan got together?” Kelly inquired airily.

  “You didn’t have to ask,” Moira pointed out. “I babbled like an infatuated idiot. You owe me the same courtesy.”

  “You’ll just tell me what a mistake I’m making by mixing business and pleasure.”

  Moira sketched an X across her heart. “No, I won’t. I promise. I’m taking a break from making judgments. Today I’m just your friend.”

  It was true. Moira really was the best friend she’d ever had. If it weren’t for their professional relationship, Kelly would have spilled everything the second she’d walked into the room.

  Finally she sighed. “I didn’t believe it was possible, but I am more in love with him than ever.”

  “In other words, you slept with him,” Moira interpreted. “And it was fabulous.”

  “Beyond fabulous.”

  “What about Michael? Is he in love with you?”

  Kelly wished she could say an unequivocal yes, but the truth was, she’d detected shadows in Michael’s eyes this morning. She hadn’t pressed for answers, because she honestly hadn’t wanted anything to spoil what had been so incredibly magical for her.

  “He cares about me,” she said slowly. “I know he does.”

  “And that’s enough for you?” her friend asked skeptically.

  “It is for now. He still has a lot to sort out. His whole world has changed. He can’t go back to doing the work that he loves. He’s known that all along, but I think he’s just now starting to face the full ramifications. I’m pretty sure he’s finally willing to start looking for an alternative line of work, rather than bemoaning what he’s lost.”

  “Facing it could leave him bitter and resentful. He could even blame you—irrationally, I know—for not finding some way to make things turn out differently.”

  Kelly hadn’t even considered that scenario. A man in Michael’s position might well look for someone to blame. She frowned at Moira. “Why not blame the sniper who shot him? Why would he ever turn on me?”

  “Because the sniper was a faceless enemy. You’re right here and you’re the person who’s supposed to be helping to make him whole again.”

  “I can only do that within limits,” Kelly said defensively.

  “I know that, but does he?”

  “Of course,” Kelly said, but she wasn’t entirely certain of it. She set down her half-eaten doughnut and now-cold coffee. Frowning, she added accusingly, “You’ve certainly managed to put a damper on my good mood.”

  “I’m sorry. I just want to be sure you’re facing facts.”

  “Possibilities, not facts,” Kelly argued.

  “You know I only want you to be happy, don’t you?” Moira asked, her expression plaintive. “I would never deliberately try to hurt you.”

  Kelly gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “I know that, especially since you know I could tell my brother all your secrets,” she teased.

  “I don’t have any secrets,” Moira retorted, then grinned. “Darn it all.”

  Kelly laughed. “I could always make some up.”

  “I’ll think about it. Bryan might respond well to a few hints that my life hasn’t been deadly dull up until now. I’d hate for him to get the idea he’s saving me from total boredom.”

  “Sweetie, you travel. You have a successful business. You have friends. I’d hardly call that boring,” Kelly chided.

  “But your brother has done all sorts of fascinating things,” Moira protested.

  Kelly shrugged off Bryan’s activities. “He’s only told you the highlights. Believe me, he spends most of his time with his head buried in these stuffy tomes about dead psychoanalysts or locked away in his office with people who think their lives are a mess.”

  Moira grinned. “I’m sure he’d love to know how deeply you respect his work.”

  “I do. He’s very good at what he does. It’s just not very exciting. He’s hardly in a position to cast stones at your life. That’s why you’re going to be so good for each other. You can spur each other to take some chances, have a few adventures.” She winked at her. “Or you can cuddle up together and read all those boring medical and psychology journals side by side in bed, then toss them aside and do far more interesting things.”

  “Trust me, we have not been sharing the bed with any journals,” Moira said, then blushed furiously.

  “Told you that you didn’t need to worry about being boring,” Kelly taunted. “I’ve got to go. Jennifer’s due any second for her therapy and I want a few minutes with her mom first.”

  Suddenly all business, Moira asked, “How’s Jennifer’s progress?”

  “She’s doing great, but her insurance is about to run out. I want to work something out so we can continue with her treatment.”

  “Let me know if I can help,” Moira said. “I’m good at yelling at insurance bureaucrats.”

  “I may do that.” Kelly glanced out the window in the office door and felt her heart skip a beat. Michael was here an hour early and already at work on the
parallel bars with no one to spot him. “Gotta run. Michael’s out there.”

  Moira came to stand beside her. “Looks to me as if he’s developed a renewed determination to get back on his feet.” She gave Kelly a knowing look. “Wonder what—or who—inspired that?”

  “I’ll let you know if I find out,” Kelly said as she walked out and closed the door behind her.

  She forced herself to take slow, measured steps across the therapy room, even though she wanted to race over and plant herself in front of Michael to prevent a fall. When she reached him, he’d made his way to the midpoint of the bars. There were white lines of tension around his mouth and furrows of concentration on his brow. She had to resist the urge to yell at him. Instead, she stepped between the bars blocking his path.

  “You’re ambitious this morning.”

  A fleeting grin tugged at his lips. “I’m motivated.”

  “You’re overdoing it,” she countered.

  He regarded her with surprise and a hint of anger. “Don’t you think it’s about time? I’ve wasted weeks.”

  His words cut through her as if they’d been an accusation. “Are you suggesting I haven’t worked you hard enough?”

  Dismay spread across his face. “No, of course not. I’m the one who’s been balking. I haven’t gotten with the program, not really. Believe me, I know what tough, rigorous training is like. I can take it and from now on out, I intend to do just that.”

  Kelly bit back a protest that he might reinjure his leg. She didn’t totally understand this sudden need to push himself, but it was obviously important to him. And what were the chances that he might really harm himself?

  “I’ll make you a deal,” she said.

  He frowned at that. “Who gave you bargaining rights in this?”

  “You did.”

  “When? When I slept with you?”

  She hadn’t realized that he had the power to hurt her so badly. Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked them away. “No,” she said quietly, “when you hired me as your therapist.”

  Forgetting about the deal she’d been about to make with him, she whirled around and walked blindly away.

  “Kelly!”

  She ignored his urgent call, for once glad that he couldn’t move quickly enough to stop her. Spotting Jennifer and her mother in the waiting area, she paused long enough to compose herself, plastered a smile on her face and headed their way, certain that Michael wouldn’t interrupt. She would have to deal with him again eventually, but by then she could steel herself to do it unemotionally.

  And if she couldn’t, well, telling him to go to hell would feel really good about now.

  Michael knew he’d made a total jackass of himself with Kelly. He wasn’t sure why he’d suddenly made the kind of cutting remarks he knew would hurt her. He wished he could blame the entire incident on her thin skin, rather than his own boneheaded behavior, but he couldn’t.

  Maybe it was the fact that she’d implied he couldn’t do the hard work just when his ego was finally convinced it was past time to start pushing his limits. Maybe it was the whole sex thing and the uncomfortable issues it had stirred about the future.

  The future. He sighed just thinking about it. He’d put off a visit to the navy doctors for weeks now, despite repeated reminders from the West Coast physicians that he was overdue to check in with the specialists they’d recommended. He couldn’t put an examination off forever, even if he didn’t want to hear the final, if inevitable, verdict that he’d never go back on active duty.

  It was time now. Past time. Sucking it up like the supposedly brave man he was, he made an appointment with the navy doctors he’d been avoiding. He might be dreading it, but he needed an honest assessment of what the future might hold. He wasn’t expecting them to tell him anything the doctors in San Diego hadn’t said months ago, but he was still holding out hope for a miracle.

  The examination was painstakingly thorough, the grim expressions pretty much what he’d expected. He could hang on to his job, as long as he was willing to settle for desk duty.

  “I’m sorry,” the orthopedic surgeon told him. “I don’t see any way around it.”

  “Not even with intensive physical therapy?” Michael asked, trying to keep a pleading note out of his voice. He’d come here knowing it was time to accept things. He needed to do it and stop fighting for something that could never be.

  “Not even then,” the man said, removing all hope.

  That night, Michael received a call from his commanding officer. “I heard the news,” Joe Voinovich told him. “I’m sorry as hell about this.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Are you going to take the job they’re offering in Washington?”

  “No,” Michael said flatly. Whatever happened, he was staying in Boston. He’d find something to do eventually. And Kelly was here. Sooner or later he’d coax her to forgive him. Or find the courage to let her go and make some sort of future with a man who had his act together.

  The incident at the rehab clinic hadn’t been mentioned since it had happened. In the days since, when the time had come for his therapy session, she’d been right on time, a phony smile firmly in place, her voice discernibly chillier than usual. He knew she deserved an apology, but so far he hadn’t been able to bring himself to utter one. He was still debating whether it was better to let the relationship die before it really got started.

  Then he thought of the way it was between them, the heat and passion, the tenderness and thoughtfulness, and he wasn’t sure he could bear it if he lost her. Until he knew what was best, though, the distance between them was safe. In fact, he probably ought to assure that there would be even more distance. He’d let other women go. In fact, he’d made a habit of it. So why was it so difficult to get the words out now?

  Maybe because he knew that as soon as he uttered them, he couldn’t take them back. He knew they would change everything, that Kelly had enough pride to make her walk away for good, certain that he’d used her and was tossing her aside now that she’d served her purpose.

  And wasn’t that exactly what he was doing?

  “No, dammit.” He uttered the words aloud without realizing it.

  Kelly’s gaze shot toward him. It was one of the rare times lately when she’d looked him in the eye. “What?”

  “Nothing,” he said. “Talking to myself.”

  She regarded him with a penetrating look. “What’s wrong?”

  Now was the time. He owed her honesty. Hell, he owed her his life.

  “There’s something we need to talk about,” he said.

  Alarm flashed in her eyes, but she quickly glanced away. When she looked back, there was only mild curiosity in her expression. “Sure. What?”

  He gestured toward a nearby workout bench. “Let’s sit a minute.” She followed him, her steps dragging ever so slightly. When they were seated, he forced himself to look directly into her eyes. “I think you know what a lifeline you’ve been for me,” he began. “You’ve been amazing.”

  “But I’ve outlasted my usefulness,” she said quietly.

  “Don’t say it like that,” he said, hating how the words he’d been struggling to form sounded when she said them with such an air of resignation. She looked as if she might be fighting tears, but she kept her gaze steady.

  “But that’s the bottom line, isn’t it? You want to go on from here on your own.”

  “Kelly, you’re an incredible woman. You deserve the best and I don’t have anything to offer you. I’m getting out of the navy. I have no idea yet what I’ll do next. It would be wrong of me to ask you to sit around and wait while I figure things out.”

  For a moment, it looked as if she might argue. Michael braced himself to try to counter whatever she said. Instead, though, she sighed, her expression unbearably sad.

  “As long as you believe that, then you’re right, you don’t have anything to offer me.”

  She stood up, fiddling nervously with the pen she’d been using to make
notes on his therapy, not quite looking him in the eye. “Michael, the only thing I ever wanted or needed was your heart.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kelly hadn’t known it was possible to feel so empty inside. Just when she’d thought she’d finally found something real and permanent and remarkable, Michael had deliberately yanked it away. And why? Because he was so convinced that he was nothing without his stupid uniform, without a job that put his life at risk.

  She blamed the Devaneys for having done that to him and she hated them for it. She prayed when Ryan, Sean and Michael eventually found their parents that she would be granted five minutes alone with them to given them a piece of her mind for abandoning those three young boys and destroying their sense of self-worth in the process. It was little wonder that Michael thought he wasn’t worthy of being loved by her, when his own parents had drilled that lesson into him at such an early age.

  She sighed and turned to find her brother studying her with a worried expression. “What?” she demanded. “Why are you even home tonight? Shouldn’t you be with Moira? You’ve been spending all your free time at her place lately.”

  Bryan held up his hands. “Hey, don’t jump down my throat. I just came over here to ask you if you’d like to come to the pub tonight with Moira and me. Word is you’ve been holed up here for days now, refusing to go anywhere, including work. Moira’s worried sick. Your clients are about to rebel. They don’t like any of the substitute therapists she’s assigned to them.”

  Kelly felt a momentary pang of guilt. She knew her clients shouldn’t have to suffer because her life was falling apart. “Then I’ll go back to work,” she said eventually. She could avoid Michael if she only scheduled patients on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at the clinic.