by Nikki Mays
What in the hell is going on today?
“Make sure you get a few bottles of wine!” I yell to him. I feel like I’ve earned it after today.
“Already on it you wonderfully Salty Herb!” He yells back on a chuckle.
Mustn’t kill man with the booze. Mustn’t kill man with the booze.
Hours later and we’re all situated around Sage’s house. And I mean all of us. I’m pretty sure that every single person that we know is here. Even the Ross brothers and Dee are here. I’m sure that they’re here to make sure that Sage and the girls are alright. Well, that and they probably heard about it being beer and pizza night.
Danny’s been tight lipped about whatever news it is that he has. But that creepy grin hasn’t once left his face. To tell the truth, I’m actually dying to know what he’s been keeping a secret. Well, besides turning my daughter into a mini-fighter.
I rub my hand down my face and realize that I need to trim my beard up some. If it wasn’t for Danny making sure that Paige knew how to defend herself, I don’t know where we would all be right now. I can’t even be the slightest bit pissed that he never mentioned it.
He taught my baby how to protect herself. For that alone, this man will always have my undying loyalty. He didn’t have to take time out of his day to make sure that she could defend herself. He could’ve completely ignored her really and no one would’ve blamed him. She isn’t his responsibility.
Damn, what the hell do you do for the man who pretty much saved your baby’s life, even if it was in an indirect sort of way? The words thank you will just never be enough to express my gratitude for what he’s done.
Speak of the devil, he comes strolling into the living room with a beer bottle in hand. He sits on the edge of the couch, directly across from the arm chair that Sage and I are occupying. He still has the weird ass grin on his face. He knows damn well that we’re all dying to know what he knows and he’s loving every second of it.
“Alright, is everyone fed and pretty well buzzed?” He looks at the girls with an evil smirk. “Well, is almost everyone buzzed?”
We all pretend to ignore how the girls are scratching their eyes with a certain finger. It’s only fair, we do get the alcohol after all.
“Alright Daniel, just spit it out already sugar, some of us ain’t getting any younger here.” Dee states and looks at Sage and Lavender. “Especially, the unmarried ones.”
While poor Lavender blushes bright red and ducks her head, Sage give Dee an evil grin. “Hey Kaykay?”
I’m pretty sure that I hear Kayla mutter “Lord help me.” but I’m not one hundred percent about that. “Yeah Sage?” She sighs out in defeat.
“At what age do you start to put the useless elderly into a nursing home?”
The Ross brothers chuckle until Dee turns her head towards them. “Don’t you even start with me. We both know that I have no problem kicking your butt young lady. Just because your hippie parents are about non-violence and free love doesn’t mean that I won’t whack some respect into you.”
“Didn’t you hear Dee?” Sage asks in a sugary voice. “Sixty is the new ninety.”
“And to think, I babysat those girls for you, so that you could finish school.” Dee sniffs.
“Dee, I wouldn’t really brag about that.” Kay states with a smirk.
Dee turns to her with a glare. “And just why the hell not?”
“Probably because you’re part of the reason that they’re so evil.” Mason finishes.
“Those girls are as sweet as pie.” Dee replies.
It takes point two seconds before every person in the room is laughing so hard that they’re crying. I love those two like they’re my own, but damn there is nothing sweet about them. I almost want them to date just to watch them boss around the poor dumb bastards who ask them out.
“You all realize that we’re sitting right here?” Becca questions.
“Your point?” Damon asks.
The grin she gives him is nothing short of feral. “Who do all of you idiots who keep procreating come to when you need a babysitter...hmm?”
You could literally hear a pin drop. All of the adults with children are looking for a way to backtrack...and fast.
“You three aren’t the only babysitters in town. Sure it will suck having to pay, but we’ll be able to find someone else...eventually.” Kayla states with more confidence than she should.
Marc looks over and gives her a funny looking frown. “What do you mean that it will suck having to pay someone? We already pay them.”
Kayla blinks up at her husband and narrows her eyes at the three girls before looking back at her husband. “No, we don’t. Mainly because I babysat them when they were little.”
You can tell the minute that it clicks that he’s been played for a fool by a few teenage girls. “We’ve been paying them a hundred per kid.”
Kayla’s eyes widen comically. “Are you out of your mind? What would make you think that was even remotely normal?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Honestly, with the four of them, I kind of thought that we were getting off cheap.”
Mellie and Michelle share a look. “We’ve been paying a hundred per kid.” Mellie states.
Michelle holds her hand up. “Wait a minute! We’ve been paying two hundred just for the one.”
All eyes turn to the girls who are wearing matching grins. “Since you all think that you’re comedians and that finding people to watch your kids will be easy, we just want to let you know that our prices are going up. One-fifty per kid. Four hundred in Michelle and Damon’s case.” Becca tells everyone with her hands steepled in front of her. Actually, all three of them are in the same pose.
“Do you really think that we wouldn’t be able to find different babysitters?” Mellie questions.
Missy nods her head. “You and Morris...probably. The other two couples over there....not a chance.”
Kayla and Marc just give a half shrug like they’re already resigned to paying a whack for babysitting. Michelle is frowning at all of the girls. “I don’t understand why you’re charging us so much?”
All three girls turn their heads towards Damon and just stare. “What did I do?” He growls.
The girls start laughing but Paige is able to get herself under control first. She has to wipes stray tears from her eyes before she can begin. “It’s more like what haven’t you done Damon. Face it, you’re not exactly mister personality. So, anyone who doesn’t know you is going be really creeped out and intimidated by you. Also, you are way too over protective with too many rules. You need to take a major chill pill.”
Michelle whacks his arm hard. “Dammit Griz! We’ve talked about all of your fluffing rules. They are ridiculous! And now look, we have to pay double what everyone else does just because of you!”
“My rules are in place for a reason.” He grunts.
“Because you’re neurotic, antisocial and have a sprinkling of OCD?” Declan chirps cheerfully.
Damon gives him his usual serial killer stare. The girls should probably charge him even more honestly. “You know, there’s still time for me to become an only child.”
Danny claps his hands together. “Okay, before we get into the homicidal portion of this evening let’s just finish up a few things...shall we? Then we can all be on our ways to kill, maim or stick someone in a nursing home.”
When things like that are said, it really makes me wonder about this group as a whole. The fact that not one person bothered to correct him makes me wonder even more. The fact that I consider each and every person here family, probably worries me the most. Really, what the hell does that say about me?
“So, like I said, good old Jackie girl won’t be too much of an issue in the future.” Danny states boldly.
“Are you planning on offing her?” Marc asks seriously and if I’m not mistaken with a little hope in his voice. It’s then I remember that the last time Jackie saw him, she spat at him. Yeah, he’s probably hopeful.
<
br /> Danny give Sage a wide-eyed look and then looks back at Marc. “No, that’s not on the table currently. But if it does come up, I’ll be sure to let you know buddy.” He again gives Sage a what the fuck look that makes her giggle. “So, I’m just going to be clear, murder and maiming are off the table.”
I don’t even want to contemplate how many disappointed groans and sighs I heard. I also know damn well that one of them was from Paige herself.
I look at Danny and give him a smirk. “Okay, I’ll bite. How are you going to deal with Jackie without killing or maiming her?” Truthfully, I really am dying to know. She has been nothing but a fucking thorn in my side for years now.
He takes a sip of his beer and eyes me warily. It’s the first time that I’ve ever seen that look cross his face in regards to me. I hear Sage gasp. “Tell me you didn’t Danny!”
I gently grab her chin so that she looks at me. “What did he do?”
She turns her head back to him. “Tell him.” She growls at him.
He coughs into his hand. “So, I’m a little protective of my girls, and yes that includes Sage. When you two started dating, I may have had a private detective look into you and your ex-wife.”
I just stare at him. Dee, Kayla and the Ross brothers don’t look the least bit surprised. Everyone else has their mouths hanging open. I lick my teeth and make a sucking sound. “Let me guess, this isn’t the first time that you’ve had someone Sage was dating looked into?” I ask even though I already know the answer.
Without even a hint of shame, Danny looks me dead in the eye. “Wouldn’t you if some man was going to be around the most important women in your universe?”
I nod my head in agreement because it makes sense that he wouldn’t want some pedophile or abuser near the three of them. I can’t fault him for loving his family and watching out for them. “Continue.”
Sage whips her head in my direction. “That’s all you’re going to say, continue? Aren’t you pissed that he looked into your personal business?”
I give her a smile. “I know exactly why he did it. Any man who loves his family would. What, you think that I didn’t run Harold through the system?”
She turns back around and collapses into me. “Men.” She says in a huff.
“Actually, you really should’ve been looking into your ex-wife and not the poor sucker she tricked into marrying her.” Danny states.
I lean forward with Sage in my arms. “Okay, I can guarantee that you have my full attention right now. Why should I have been looking into Jackie instead of looking into Harold?” I ask the man with the answers that I need.
“Ah, you see, and I hate to break this to you, Harold wasn’t the only man that she was cheating on you with.”
I chuckle. “That I kind of figured out on my own a few years ago.”
“Right, well besides her being a huge slut, err, sorry Paige” – he looks at her apologetically and all she does is shrug – “she seems to have a thing for married men. The only one who wasn’t married was good old Harry.”
I give him a quizzical look. “Okay, I understand that she gets around...a lot. But how does this help me get Paige all to myself?”
“Well for starters, Harry boy isn’t as dumb as he looks. He made sure that her skanky ass signed an iron clad prenup. Although, considering how they started out, that was an extremely smart move on his part.”
We all nod our heads in agreement. Huh, who knew that poor bastard had it in him. But wait. “Why a prenup? I know he owns his own company, but he can’t be raking in that much money.”
“Somehow Jackie can sniff out a whale. You see, Harold comes from old money. And when I say old, I mean like crazy old money. The man is loaded and stands to inherit millions when his parents pass away.”
Paige’s eyes go wide. “No way! That guy is one of the most frugal people that I have ever met. He even drives a Prius!”
“Apparently, he wanted his business to flourish without the help of his family’s money. Honorable really. Part of me kind of thinks that he didn’t even know that she was still married when he started “dating” her. The guy just seems too legit for that.”
I nod. “Yeah, I had the same feeling. That’s why I never bothered to give him too much shit. I figured that Jackie most likely had fed him a line of bull. But get back to how I can finally be rid of her.”
Danny takes another sip of his beer and looks at everyone else who seem to be hanging onto every word. Biggest bunch of nosey asses that I’ve ever met.
“Right, well one of those married men she was with until very recently. Unfortunately, for Jackie, his wife happens to be a judge. At this point all you would have to do is threaten her with the knowledge that she was cheating on Harold and with telling the honorable judge about her husband’s extracurricular activities and you can pretty much get anything you want.”
“You have proof?” I question because it just can’t be that easy.
“You know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Especially if it’s time and date stamped.”
Paige looks at me and then at Danny. “So, does that mean that Dad could threaten her and make her give up her rights to me? Like that I would never have to see her again?”
Danny looks flabbergasted and honestly, I think everyone else in the room is too. I know Jackie has been pretty shitty as a mother, but when your own daughter is getting excited about the prospect of never having to see you again, that’s saying something.
“Sweetheart, we can talk about this later. We don’t have to decide anything right this moment.” I tell her. She’s had a big day and might not really be thinking clearly.
“Dad, I’ve been planning my escape from her since I was like five. You’re literally the only reason that I never ran away. I’m very ready not to have to deal with her ever again.” She looks around at all of our stunned faces and frowns. “Oh come on people! She put me in a hooker’s maid of honor dress for fuck’s sake! She is never going to win mother of the year.”
How the hell am I supposed to argue with that? I can’t, so I say the only thing that I can say. “Language!”
“How is it always you standing here when I take one of these tests?” I ask Danny.
“I’m just super lucky.” He drawls like an asshole.
I look down at my current nightmare and sigh. “Or you just like being the angel of shit.”
“JJ is so lucky to have you.” He deadpans and I swat him away.
“Go make yourself useful and jump off a cliff.”
He places his hands against his chest. “Ouch, you wound me, my wonderful baby mama.”
I narrow my eyes. “Not yet, but I can guarantee that if you don’t get away from me that I will in the very near future.”
“Fine, I’m going. I can tell when I’m not wanted.” He says before ducking out and closing the door.
I swear that I am going to kill him. That’s a totally normal feeling...right? A lot of women want to kill the man who accidentally knocked them up...right? I know that it can’t just be me.
Oh, and I’m not talking about my original baby daddy. Nope, I’m talking about the new one, my wonderful husband as of a month ago. Although, killing both of them might just solve most of my problems in life. I’m pretty sure that I could get Declan and Damon to cover it up for me. Especially if I tell Damon that I’ll get the girls to drop their babysitting prices.
Okay, okay, I’m getting ahead of myself. So, about a month after the Candi beatdown, as we’ve all taken to calling it – I'll get more into that in a minute- my wonderful original baby daddy decided that we all needed a vacation...to Vegas.
I know, I know, my dumbass should’ve been crazy suspicious but all I could think was margaritas by the pool. I blame a lot of the things that happened on that trip to tequila. Let’s just say that I’m not the only one who ended up preggers, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy on that one.
Anyway, Danny chartered a jet and he took us all, and I mean all of us,
to Vegas. People left their kids with their grandparents, well except for Dee, she of course came to Vegas. All three girls came, which really should’ve been the first warning bell. What over protective fathers would ever allow their teenage daughters to come to Vegas?
Again, I was dreaming of booze by the pool. Another warning bell should’ve been the parents...all three sets of them. Danny didn’t just invite mine and his, per usual, he invited JJ’s sweet ones as well. Danny said that they should all get to know each other. Remember booze by the pool, I was in a daydream state.
Everything was going fine the first day. We got our drinks and all hung out by the pool. I had to explain to JJ’s sweet parents to ignore mine and Danny’s. We begged our parents to be on their best behavior but hippies will be hippies. I’m pretty sure that JJ’s parents are now scarred for life.
But whatever, I didn’t care because the tequila was flowing. Like flowing enough that I’m pretty sure that my mom propositioned Rocco for a threesome but that memory is still a bit hazy. I really pray that she didn’t though, for a lot of different reasons.
Anyway, I was feeling so relaxed that when JJ asked me to marry him again, I said yes. What should’ve clued me in that it was all planned was that everything was perfect and I mean absolutely perfect!
I somehow had a gorgeous silk silver gown that fit like a glove. All three girls were in classy matching silk gowns in a light blue. Even the groomsmen were able to find matching vests. Yes, I know. I’m a complete moron. It just didn’t occur to me that everyone would plan this without my consent.
Even my traitor sister and ex-best friend played major parts in finding out little details that I would want “if I should ever get married”. Freaking traitorous hoe bags. They are still on my shit list and more so after this little positive result. I know damn well that this happened in Vegas!
But again, I was riding high without a care in the world. JJ threatened Jackie with everything that Danny found out and she gave up her rights to Paige in an instant. It’s sad to know that she cares more about money than her own daughter. But her loss is totally my gain. She’s just another one of my evil little chicks now.