by Nikki Mays
Right before we left, we found out that Candi and Kenneth wouldn’t be seeing the outside world for a long ass time. Poor Kenneth sung like the proverbial canary when he finally clued into the fact that Candi was just using him.
I actually feel kind of bad for him. His self-esteem was so low that he clung to the first woman to really give him any attention. I can’t imagine feeling so low about myself that I would adore someone who treated me like absolute shit. But whatever, you reap what you sow and all that.
So, yeah, I was flying on top of the world and didn’t put two and two together until much later. Really, it’s embarrassing how long it really took me. Again, I blame the never-ending tequila. I know that it’s definitely tequilas fault for this little peanut. I look down at my flat stomach that will soon be huge.
We had JJ’s vasectomy scheduled for a few days after we got back from Vegas. We were great at using condoms. We figured no big deal, right? Just have the procedure when we get back. Everything will be just fine.
Sure, everything is just fine if you don’t take into account two drunk asses celebrating the fact that they just got married. I’m pretty sure that we had a massive fuck-a-thon, if judging by how sore I was the next morning was anything to go by. Seriously, I hurt in muscles that I don’t think that I had ever used.
The one thing that I do not remember seeing was condoms. Judging by the state of my body, there definitely should’ve been a few laying around. But surprise, surprise, there weren’t. The only thing hanging around was a massive headache and sensitivity to light that lasted for a few days.
Needless to say, what happens in Vegas, doesn’t always stay in Vegas. What are the freaking chances that we would get pregnant days...fucking days before he had a vasectomy? I mean for real...how can our luck be that damn bad?
I know I sound like a horrible and ungrateful bitch. I know that so many women would kill to have a baby. But let’s put this into perspective, shall we? JJ and I are older. We already have other children. Children who are almost grown and about to be going away to college in a few years! We were almost home free and now we have to start all over again.
And queue the damn waterworks. This has been constant for a week now but like the idiot that I’m proving to be, I just thought that my period was coming soon. Now I’m probably growing the Seed of Chucky in me right now. Okay, I should probably stay away from horror movies for a little while.
Well, except for maybe The Omen. I need to watch all of those movies to see what signs JJ and I will need to be looking out for. Don’t get all judgey with me, this kid will probably be worse than the spawn of Satan. Add in the fact that the triplets of terror are this poor kid’s older sisters and yeah, I’m pretty sure that the apocalypse is on the horizon.
I’m old and pregnant, I can be as overly dramatic as I want, thank you very much. I can’t believe that I’m pregnant. This wasn’t in the damn plan! I was supposed to enjoy having a quiet house while I was still youngish. I was supposed to drink wine, hangout with Kay and the other girls. I was supposed to have great random ass sex with my husband whenever and wherever we felt like it!
And now, I already have to say goodbye to wine and coffee. Next it will be the quietness that I was so badly longing for after having to deal with three hormonal nightmares. Then say bye bye to great sex and add in a quickie whenever we see each other in passing.
Stupid fucking Vegas! Stupid fucking tequila! And really most importantly stupid fucking Danny for setting everything up! Damn generous bastard paid for everything too. And I mean every-freaking-thing. Dresses, tuxes, flowers, venue, food, booze, rooms and limos. You name it, the worst best baby daddy paid for it all.
Hell, he was even the one to walk me down the aisle. I know, I know, I should’ve let my dad do it. But honestly, in a lot of ways, Danny has been more of my care giver over the years than my father has.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad to death. But Danny was there through thick and thin. We’ll always be ride or die. Okay, I should probably stop watching so many of The Fast & The Furious movies as well. But come on, Vin Diesel, The Rock, Jason Statham and Luke Evans in one movie. Yeah, I’m watching that one a few times.
So, here I sit at my desk at work staring at the positive pregnancy test that’s sitting on the paper towel. I guess I should figure out whether I’m going to tell JJ or just kill him. My hormones say kill him, but my brain says that I’ll need someone else to get up for late night feedings too.
Decisions, decisions...to kill my husband or not to kill my husband? I mean you can hire a nanny to come and do midnight feedings these days right? Hmm, yeah that could be a good idea. I should start looking up how much those cost. I’m obviously going to want to interview her as well. I don’t want some crazy serial killer near my baby.
Yeah, I know, I see the irony, trust me, I’m self-aware enough to get it. But it’s not really considered being a serial killer, if you only kill one person. I should also probably stay away from Marc and Declan more. I feel like they’ve been a pretty bad influence on someone who didn’t already have the highest of morals.
Speak of the devil and he shall appear. JJ comes strolling in with an annoying smile on his face. Okay, it's a good look on him but right now everything about him annoys me. If it wasn’t for his over achieving swimmers, we wouldn’t be in this mess. It’s his fault and that’s what I’m sticking with dammit.
Decision made thanks to my whacked out hormones. Do I kill him? Nope. I do something much crazier. I throw my pee covered pregnancy test at the handsome jerk. Like the true over achieving alpha hole that he is, he catches it easily.
You can tell that it takes him a few minutes to process what he’s seeing. I didn’t expect him to be overjoyed and dancing around but I didn’t expect him to just stand there with an unreadable expression on his face either.
He looks up at me with a face like granite. “Is this what I think it is?”
“If you think it’s a positive pregnancy test, then yes, you are correct.”
He collapses into one of the chairs in front of my desk. He put his head in his hands since he’s now dropped the test into his lap. He’s just sitting there staring at the test. Okay, I’ll admit, this was definitely not even in the realm of reactions that I thought he would have.
“How the fuck did we let this happen?” He mutters.
I snort loudly and he looks up at me with a menacing glare. Geesh, someone needs to chill the hell out. “You actually think that this is funny?” He asks incredulously.
“Well I wouldn’t say funny, but it’s mildly entertaining. Especially your reaction to all of this. And here I was thinking that I would be the only one to freak out.”
“Does Danny know?” JJ asks. That’s an odd question but okay.
“Yup, he walked out of here a few minutes before you walked in. I swear he’s nothing but the angel of shit some days. Only bringing bad luck and sprinkling that shit all around.”
JJ looks at me with his brows furrowed. “What did he have to say about all of this?”
I give my husband a look that clearly states that he’s crazy. “What would he have to say about it? It doesn’t concern him at all.” Why the hell would he care that I’m all knocked up again?
“Dammit!” JJ shouts scaring the hell out of me. He gets up and starts pacing like a caged animal. Wow, I really thought that I was going to be the one who freaked out about this the most. Who knew that he could be such a drama queen? “What the hell are we going to do?”
I blink a few times. “What do you mean, what the hell are we going to do? We’re going to raise it...duh.” I roll my eyes at the idiot and then narrow them. His ass better not be trying to get out of this. He played a damn major role in all of this.
“Why the fuck would we raise it? This isn’t our responsibility.” Say what now? Yup, killing him is now totally back on the table. “We can help out but that’s it.”
“Who do you think is going to raise this baby if it’s no
t us?” Did he hit his head or something? I know that he wasn’t this dumb when I got drunk and agreed to marry him. I swear that he wasn’t.
He stops dead in his tracks, which admittedly is a nice sight. Him in his uniform really is a thing of beauty, especially with all of his tattoos showing. God, my husband is a yummy specimen of a man. Shhh, not now hormones...later.
“Paige obviously.” He says slowly like I’m the idiot in this conversation.
“Why would Paige raise this baby? I know that we’re older but that’s a bit much, don’t you think?”
“What does our age have to do with this? Of course, we’re going to make her raise her own child. Well her and whoever the father is. After I kill him.” He growls.
“Ahh, honey, Paige isn’t pregnant.”
“But you said that it wasn’t any of Danny’s concern. That means Paige.”
“You can’t possibly be this stupid?” I tell him.
“How am I being stupid?” He argues.
“Because you can’t seem to grasp that I’m the one who’s pregnant. Therefore, you’re a moron!” I shout. Just when I was getting a damn handle on my hormones too.
“You can’t be pregnant. I got a vasectomy. We’re good. No more Children of the Corn for us. Our lives are about to be perfect.”
“Remember our awesome wedding?” I drawl.
He blinks and then you can actually see the little light bulb above his head go off. “Son of a bitch!” He looks at me in desperation. “Are you sure? Those things can be wrong right?”
I shake my head sadly at him. “That was the fourth one that I threw at you. I bought all different brands just in case. All of those damn sticks came back positive.”
“How could this happen?” He’s back to sitting in the chair with his head in his hands again. Seriously, he’s acting like he’s the one who has to carry this kid around for months. God, men are so freaking annoying at times.
“Well honey, just like we explained to the girls. When a man sticks his penis in a woman without wearing a condom, the chances of pregnancy are very high.”
He lifts his head and if looks could kill I would probably be dead. Okay, maybe not dead, but maimed a lot. “I understand that part sweetheart.” He grounds out. “I just can’t believe that this happened only a few days before my vasectomy. That’s all I was saying.”
“Well maybe all of you should’ve planned our wedding for after your vasectomy then dear. If anyone is to blame for this mess, it’s you.” I growl at him.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
I snigger. “Yeah, so did all of those tequila shots and look where those got us.”
“Are you really sure?” He asks miserably.
I shrug and give him an evil grin. “Let’s wait and see if I get fat in the next couple of months.”
A little over ten months later:
So, she wasn’t actually kidding about being pregnant. And she most definitely did not get fat. Our baby boy, who yes, we named Damian was born at over nine and a half pounds. Sage was all belly the entire pregnancy, a pregnancy that felt never fucking ending.
I get it. I know that she was the one doing all the hard work of growing him every second of the day. Trust me, I was reminded of that constantly by the four lovely ladies that I share a home with. But damn a guy just can’t catch a break in a house full of women.
I’ve never appreciated anyone’s friendship as much as I appreciated Danny’s throughout Sage’s pregnancy. Anytime things got a little too hormonal, he would either take the girls for a few days or let me hide out at his place for a bit. I love my life and my family, but fuck it, sometimes a man just needs to hide out.
Some days I would almost swear that when Sage was staring at me that she was plotting my murder. I know, she was probably just thinking about ice cream or something. But some of her looks and moods were downright scary. Even the triplets of terror were giving her a wide berth by the end and choosing to stay with Danny.
With any luck, watching Sage go through pregnancy will deter them from ever having sex. I know that’s unlikely, but a dad can always dream. If nothing else, hopefully it will teach them to always use protection no matter what.
Don’t get me wrong, Damian is actually the complete opposite of who we named him after. He’s been nothing but the sweetest baby alive. He doesn’t cry, sleeps all day and all through the night. He even took to a schedule like a damn boss. He’s actually been the best baby in the world.
Sage is convinced that this is all a ruse to lull us into a false sense of security before he tries to bring hell upon the earth. Personally, I think that she watched those movies too many times while she was pregnant with him, but there was no way in hell that I was saying anything to disagree with her hormonal ass.
I love my wife and adore her even more for giving me my only son. But holy shit, she was seriously beginning to turn into that chick from the Exorcist, I kept expecting her head to starting spinning around randomly.
I understand that pregnancy is hard on a woman’s body and that it’s difficult controlling all of the ever-changing emotions, but fuck. I thought she was going to stab me over a piece of chocolate cake. If Missy hadn’t distracted her for a second, long enough for me to move my hand, I firmly believe that she would’ve stabbed me. Granted, I’m sure that she would’ve felt bad later on, but damn, that was a close call.
She also wasn’t very happy that Danny decided to do a whole remodel of her/our house. He asked me if I was okay with him paying for it.
At first, I felt a little strange about it. But the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that it was just him trying to give us a gift. Sage wasn’t as gracious about it, well she wasn’t until he told her that he was booking her into a great spa/hotel thing while the work was being done. Apparently, massages on demand can make even the crankiest of pregnant women happy.
He tried to keep a lot of it original and hired the Ross brothers to do all of the work. It was a great idea, since they were the ones who originally helped Sage do all of the work to the house. And let me tell you, after what they described, she did a shit ton of work. Pretty much an entire overhaul from what she had originally purchased.
With that in mind, we were careful with the additions. Yes, I said additions. Danny wanted each girl to have their own room, as well as Damian. He also added a smaller sunroom that was all for Sage. It’s her space to just relax and unwind. Now that she’s had Damian, she loves sitting in her oversized armchair with a glass of wine and reading a book.
He was even kind enough to add me into the equation. Without my knowledge he added a man cave into the basement. I have my own space with a huge seventy-five-inch flat screen with every channel imaginable, a fully stocked bar, a pool table and leather sofas and chairs. Seriously, the place looks more bad ass than any bar I’ve ever been to.
I couldn’t actually comprehend why he would do all of that for me. Yeah, we’ve become close over the past few years or so but I didn’t expect anything like this. I even questioned him about it one night when we were sitting in the cave having a beer. He just smiled at me and told me that I earned it.
It was an odd thing to say and I asked how I had earned such an extravagant gift. He looked me dead in the eye and said: “You protected her heart. No one has ever tried to protect her heart. With her take no shit attitude everyone always thinks that she doesn’t need to be handled with care. But you, you always have. You’re her protector, whether you realize it or not. That’s why I gave you this. To say thank you for taking such great care of my best friend and for always protecting her gentle heart.”
Needless to say, after that speech, I asked him to be Damian’s godfather. He laughed and told me that he would be taking the kid no matter what, if something happened to Sage and I, and that was that.
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About The Author
Nikki Mays is a pen name that was created from her maiden name. She is a wife and mother, who lives in a small town in New Jersey.
She has been with her husband for a decade and is surprised that he's still alive.
She began writing as a creative outlet after becoming a stay at home mom. She decided that she needed something exclusively for herself, not just being mommy.
She has two crazy boxers that love to keep that "Evil" mailman out of the yard. Besides writing and spending time with her little hellions, she enjoys cooking & baking.
Nikki loves to be stalked by her readers and encourages all interaction.