The garden of dead thoughts

by Natasha A. Salnikova

  “You’ll be a very good doctor,” Frank said. “You have the eyes of a person who genuinely cares about people, although, it’s difficult to care about everyone. Now you have a challenging period in your life, but I’m sure you have support. I don’t know how I would survive through so many changes.”

  Tiffany shook her head.

  “I just broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a ... I don’t want to say that word. As I found out, he was more interested in my friend.”

  “No way!” Frank was genuinely indignant. “You are so beautiful! Any guy should consider himself lucky to be with you. I always wonder when I hear about guys like him, but people are so superficial these days. Everyone is interested only in material things and sex. I dream of having a family, but I’m so busy all the time, I can’t even start looking for my better half. Family is so important to me.”

  “I understand,” Tiffany said thoughtfully. “What’s your name? I need to write it on the check.”

  “Pins. Frank Pins.”

  Tiffany smiled, even giggled. Frank thought he didn’t have to torture himself with old virgins, who, among other things, could die before their time. He smiled too.

  CHAPTER 3

  Frank and Tiffany were married seven months later, although she couldn’t see her life without him by the end of the first. He used everything possible to make her dependent on his presence. It turned out that it was much easier to work with young people than with the old ones. Something clicked in the old mind that prevented him from using them to their fullest. The first plan was a failure, but Frank didn’t regret it because it worked out even better in the end.

  He also developed new tactics in his behavior. He was refined and smart with all his previous “clients” as he called the women he used or wanted to use. With Tiffany, he tried another option. He became a regular lad who couldn’t say or do anything bad behind anyone’s back, certainly no manipulations. He liked playing this new role, it was fun. At least for a while. Especially, when Tiffany smiled bashfully at his simpleton act at the few parties they had attended, and even advised him of how to use the silverware. He was her project.

  Frank let her have it for now because it worked for him, for his long-term projects with her. He also had a short-term project, which involved the dog left by Tiffany’s mother. Frank hated the bitch, but wouldn’t tell his wife about it, of course. So, a week after they moved into their new house, Lucy had disappeared. Of course Tiffany cried and even tried to scold Frank for leaving the door open, but it only lasted for two days. It wasn’t Tiffany’s dog, so she moved on quickly. As for Frank, after he drove the dog to the nearby forest and after all posters about a missing animal were taken down, he forgot it had ever existed.

  Their first five months as a married couple were as smooth as a slide in Disneyland. They went on their honeymoon to Costa Rica using Tiffany’s mother’s money and frittered it away. Back home, he persuaded her to buy a new car, then a house and fine furnishings. There was no time for reflection or asking questions during this period. They went to restaurants, theaters, and movies. Sometimes they met her friends for dinner or a barbecue if it was someone’s birthday and Frank hated those times, but he was the best husband any woman could desire and they looked like a dream couple to everyone around. By the end of the fifth month, however, Tiffany awkwardly began to ask him how things were going with his job. She couldn’t know whether he worked during the day or not, because she spent her days in the hospital. He took money from their joint account without thinking twice. They were family and family didn’t separate stuff.

  “What can I tell you?” Frank answered, pulling the blanket up to his chest. They went to bed, had sex, which was pretty boring in Frank’s opinion, and now were ready to sleep. At least he was. “I hate this company, to be honest. They’ve laid off a lot of people lately. I think they have problems.”

  “Yeah?” Tiffany asked vaguely.

  Frank waited for her to say something else, but she just tapped the edge of the blanket.

  “I don’t know,” Frank continued, without waiting for anything from his wife. “I’ll probably have to look for something else soon. I’d like to just relax for a couple of months. I need to decide what to do next.”

  “I checked our account today,” Tiffany began, and fell silent again.

  “Yeah, why? Are you accusing me of spending too much?” Frank attacked. It was the best defense. “Tell me. I don’t know. I thought we were family.”

  “Of course we are family,” Tiffany said hurriedly and drank some water from the glass, which she always put beside her on the nightstand before going to bed.

  “It seems like it.”

  “It’s just ... I’d like to …”

  “Say it already!”

  “Why are you screaming at me?” Tiffany sat up.

  Frank also sat up, but turned away from his wife and said nothing.

  “Frank, I’m just trying to talk.”

  Silence.

  “Frank.”

  Not a word in response and no movement.

  “Why are you acting like this? I just asked.”

  She touched his shoulder and he took his phone from his bedside table and looked through some social sites, without paying attention to what he was looking at.

  “Frank.”

  “I’m listening to you.” He moved to another site.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “I just wanted to talk.”

  “Go ahead.” He didn’t release the phone from his hand.

  “Frank, what are you doing?”

  She raised her voice and he heard nervous notes in it. It was just what he wanted to hear. If she was upset, it was her fault and only her fault. She shouldn’t have questioned him.

  Frank stood up, shaking his head.

  “Look at yourself,” he said. “How can anyone talk to you?”

  “What?” Tiffany looked at him in confusion.

  “You’ve got to stop it. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

  Tiffany gaped at Frank as he left the room, closing the bathroom door behind him. He didn’t need to use it. He just needed time to think. He flushed the toilet, turned on the water faucet and turned it off again, and then returned to the bedroom and flopped on the bed. He noticed that his young wife was wiping her eyes.

  “What a great night,” he said, “after we had such a great start.”

  “But I didn’t do anything,” Tiffany protested. “I just wanted to say that we need to start saving a little. Children are expensive.”

  “What children?” Frank opened his eyes. He was ready to sleep.

  “A boy or a girl.”

  Frank turned his head to Tiffany without changing his body position.

  “I’m pregnant,” she said, shrugging her shoulders and smiling. Then she wiped her tears again. Frank didn’t know now whether the previous tears were the result of his manipulations or the result of what she was talking about.

  “I don’t understand,” he said.

  “We talked about family so much. You wanted it so badly and finally here it is.” She didn’t seem to hear him. Tears streamed down her cheeks. “I wanted a baby so much.”

  Frank sat and tried to recover from the shock, but didn’t succeed. He had calculated everything, every step. Lower her self-esteem, put chaos in her head, make her useless, and pocket her money. What child? A child wasn’t part of his plan.

  “Are you happy?” she asked, with diminished excitement in her voice.

  Frank mentally counted to ten and then stretched his lips into a forced smile. He was happy to answer her question, he was happy he didn’t gag.

  “Of course,” he said.

  “You’re just in shock, aren’t you?”

  “Of course, but I’m glad.”

  Tiffany hung on to his neck, dousing his cheek with her tears. He embraced her in return, but his brain refused to think.

  “My grandmother had twins befo
re she had my mother. I hope I’m lucky like her. Imagine if we had a boy and a girl!”

  “Yes,” Frank said, almost unconscious.

  Ten minutes later she was asleep and he filled his glass with wine in the kitchen, although he knew that it might bring him unnecessary dependence. You should drink alcohol when you feel good, not bad, but it was okay to help with tension occasionally. He would have drunk whiskey, but there was nothing in the house except Merlot.

  “Bitch,” Frank said after finishing his drink, but he said it in a calm voice, because he had already lined up a new plan in his slightly clouded head.

  CHAPTER 4

  He did two things: First: He found a psychologist, and Second: He convinced Tiffany to put his name on all of her bank accounts. They were family, weren’t they? Didn’t she trust him? Tiffany was too weak to find arguments and she had no relatives who could discourage her. In the beginning, he waited for her to do a prenup talk, but when that didn’t happen, he knew he had done a good job in choosing her to be his wife.

  He didn’t wait long before visiting a therapist. Her name was Haley, and Frank came to her with his head down and told her that his wife was pregnant. He told her he thought this would be the happiest event in his life, but everything turned out differently. His wife had become a stranger he just couldn’t understand. She screamed, broke things, threw objects at him, and threatened to commit suicide. The therapist explained that it was just hormones and asked him to bring his wife to their next meeting. Frank promised to try.

  Meanwhile, Tiffany flew around the house like a happy bird and never complained about work or anything else. Sometimes she irritated him so much with her infinitely positive mood that he wanted to heave something at her. That wouldn’t be right, of course, so he tossed rude insults at her.

  “You’re getting fat.”

  “Your hair is dull.”

  “What are you wearing? You look disgusting.”

  Tiffany reacted differently. The first time she just gasped. When it happened again, she asked why he said it. Then she tried to explain herself. Finally, she burst into tears and asked why he was humiliating her.

  “I’m not humiliating you, don’t be crazy” Frank said. “Someone has to tell you the truth.”

  “Truth? If that’s what you think ... Why? I’m pregnant. I need to stay calm.”

  “Exactly. Stop acting crazy.”

  “Crazy? Why are you talking to me like this? What have I done to you?”

  Frank either rolled his eyes to these questions and went to another room, or made a kill shot. Depending on his mood.

  “It’s impossible to talk to you,” he would say. “Go, bitch to your friends that you have such a horrible husband.”

  “What does that have to do with anything?” Tiffany wiped tears from her eyes. “I’m not telling anyone about you and you’re not bad."

  “I know it myself. You won’t find anyone better than me. I wonder how many men would put up with you. Talking about your boyfriend who cheated on you.”

  “What?”

  “Calm down, you shouldn’t get stressed. By the way, I’m thinking only about you. I care for you. Okay?”

  Of course this treatment affected Tiffany. It took time, but she ceased to rejoice as before, she smiled less and cried more often.

  Frank kept visiting the shrink and after two weeks she assured him that his wife was depressed after losing her mother and getting pregnant soon after. She felt guilty that her mother had died and wouldn’t see her grandbaby. Of course, she needed the help of a therapist and it was bad, very, very bad that she wouldn’t agree to come. She threatened her own life and the life of her unborn child.

  Three weeks later, Tiffany began to notice that her neighbors looked at her in an odd way and was surprised when an old neighbor talked to her as if she were mentally ill.

  “I don’t understand what’s going on,” she said. “Maybe, I really act weird. But what am I doing wrong? I was always this way.”

  “No idea,” Frank answered.

  A month later the therapist prescribed sleeping pills for Frank, because he was going crazy over the situation and couldn’t sleep on his own. He got some pills over the counter, but they didn’t work. He was so stressed he was afraid of having a heart attack.

  A month and a half later, Frank told his wife that he was going out of town for his work and asked her to write something pleasant for him. For example, she could write how much she loved him and how much she was going to miss him.

  Frank left town, booked a room in a motel, drank beer, watched porn, and read his wife’s letter or rather a short note. She wrote what he asked, no more, no less, but it was enough for Frank.

  Dear Frank, You know how much I love you and how lonely I am when you are not around.

  T

  When he came home the next day, Tiffany was still at work and Frank had plenty of time to prepare everything. Dinner, tea with herbs, pink petals on the bathroom floor, sleeping pills in his pocket. He didn’t worry, he didn’t hurry, he didn’t think too much. He knew that everything would turn out the way he planned. Things had to be done and there was no way around it.

  Tiffany was surprised to see everything, but she looked happy. They ate in silence and he said that he made tea for her. Special tea for pregnant women. He even let her read the ingredients.

  “Thank you. What happened?”

  “I’ve been acting like a pig. It was because I was worried about our future. Can I take care of you and the baby? Do I make enough?”

  “We have plenty.”

  “Yes, but I’m a man, you know? I have to provide for us. I love you. I’ll do anything for you. For our family.”

  “I love you too, Frank. I know you are a good man.”

  Then he made her a bubble bath and told her that she had to relax after a long day at work. She agreed, although he could tell that she didn’t really want to do it. He kissed her and said that he loved her very much. When he entered the bathroom fifteen minutes later, he saw that she barely kept her eyes open. She didn’t even resist when he pushed her under the water. She kicked a couple of times and lay still.

  He wiped his hands leisurely, examining her body with a belly that was just a little bulged, and then walked to the bedroom where he changed his clothes. Fifteen minutes later he called an ambulance.

  The police interrogated him with predilection. They questioned his neighbors, Tiffany’s co-workers, and some relatives, as well. It all boiled down to one thing: his wife took a sleeping pill and drowned. He had a crumpled note, the last message from her. He wept in front of everyone and blamed himself. He knew she was depressed, but didn’t try harder to help her. Of course, he was suspected, but it was impossible to prove that Tiffany died with his help. The therapist was especially supportive and Frank didn’t regret for a second the money he spent on her. He was also proud of himself because he fooled the psychologist. What a scheming genius he was.

  Frank lived in the house for another month, accepting condolences and answering questions from investigators before disappearing from the city. He thought he had become a millionaire, but in fact, Tiffany didn’t have much money left after paying all the inheritance taxes. In spite of this, Frank decided not to sell the house because he didn’t want to create unnecessary suspicion. He simply abandoned it for the time being. He thought it would be at least a few months, until everything was settled.

  During his time in the house, people came to visit him a few days a week. They told him they understood how difficult it was to lose his wife and baby. Frank agreed with everything. Sometimes he even felt sorry for Tiffany, but he had never thought of a child. What child? He didn’t see him, which means he wasn’t there. He just didn’t exist.

  A month later, Frank went to Florida, telling his neighbors that he needed time to recover from the tragedy.

  He took his new Mercedes convertible and just drove. What he felt in that car on an open road with the wind blowing in his face, he hadn�
�t felt in a long time. He was free again. He was beginning a new life!

  He did start a new life with a new identity. He came to Florida as Michael Buckler, an independent financial advisor. He wanted to give his activity a legitimate look, so he hired a guy who designed him a website for his business, a page on LinkedIn and even a page on Facebook. Florida opened up new opportunities for him and Frank wasn’t one of those losers who missed opportunities. He was ready for anything.

  CHAPTER 5

  Frank didn’t waste time on baking under the sun or sipping tequila at a beach cafe. Money had the ability to disappear. In his case, money ran out much faster than he expected. Most of it he spent on a boat, which he bought almost immediately after arriving in Florida. Also, he found the resort lifestyle boring, so he almost immediately started to work. His job was meeting golden girls. He returned to his favorite category because they had money and didn’t run the risk of getting pregnant. Fortunately, golden girls loved Florida and moved here in droves to finish their days under the sun, getting brown spots on their skin. The women’s department in expensive stores became an untouched field of hunting for him. He was the only hunter in the wild jungles of Nordstrom, Bloomindale’s, or even Macy’s.

  He wasn’t an idiot and didn’t try to hook up with every woman ten or more years older than him. He watched them, trying not to arouse suspicion, tried to understand their habits, understand if they came just to gawk and touch expensive things they couldn’t afford or if they had deep pockets. He knew how to determine whether a lady was married or if her heart was open to new love, which he would provide her on a silver platter.

  It was Tuesday and Frank had already started seeing two women who didn’t show him much probability. He hated one of them and thought he couldn’t continue with her even if he was dying of hunger. Actually, he would consider her in a worst case scenario, but it would never happen.

  On this day, as usual, he collected a few things that didn’t match with each other and stood near the stairs of the women’s department away from view. He pretended to read messages on his phone while he watched the place and finally chose a thin lady who laughed while talking on her phone and passed her choices to the saleswoman, who almost rolled her eyes as the lady turned around. One ugly dress after another. When she finally headed to the dressing room, Frank rushed after her, without expecting anyone to appear in his way, but that’s what happened and he literally crashed into someone with such force that he dropped his shirts on the floor. He planned that, but not with someone coming from nowhere. Whoever it was, he was in deep shit. Frank was going to show him. Frank looked up ready to attack and ready to be attacked even though he would have to stop coming here for some time, and stopped. A woman ... a young woman who was tall, not older than thirty, and beautiful. She had red hair, blue eyes, and full lips. She appeared to have just jumped off of a magazine cover.