2d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  Hammerfist swatted at Ravenus, but the bird was too fast. He gazed out into the darkness in the direction he had fired the arrow.

  “God dammit!” Hammerfist and Julian shouted at the same time. Hammerfist picked up his battleaxe and started running in the direction Julian’s voice had come from. Tim grabbed his crossbow, plucked the glowing arrow out of Snarlgore’s neck, and gave chase. There was another splash just ahead of him. He loaded a bolt as he ran, and his lack of attention to where he was running nearly put him in one of the wide pools of the meandering stream. He stopped himself just in time and planted the Light arrow into the bank.

  “Where are you, you long-eared freak?” Hammerfist shouted as he brought his axe down on what Tim guessed was a random bit of water. He got nothing for his effort but a splash. He sliced into a different spot of water. “You can’t hide under there forever, coward!”

  Tim fired a bolt into Hammerfist’s back.

  “Yeeeaaaoooorrrrrrgggghhh!” Hammerfist roared. This bolt had obviously relieved him of significantly more Hit Points than the last one had. “What? You again!” He turned around to face Tim. His height, along with the length of the shaft on the axe he wielded, gave him more reach than Tim had accounted for. He was in striking range.

  “Ray of Frost!” Julian shouted poking his head and finger up out of the water. A film of ice crystallized around the hobgoblin’s head. Julian stood up, grabbed his quarterstaff with both hands, and smashed the brittle ice to a billion shining fragments. Hammerfist collapsed into the water.

  Tim and Julian each grabbed a foot and hauled the unconscious hobgoblin body out of the water. Tim wedged the Light arrow between two plates of his armor so that he could see where they were going. Halfway back to the original fight scene, Hammerfist started to cough and spit up mud. Tim dropped the leg he was dragging and shot the hobgoblin in the chin, up into his oral cavity. He stopped choking.

  When they reached the others, Cooper was still pounding the shit out of Elfgina, and Dave was just standing there watching him. Amazingly, the poor hobgoblin bastard’s face was still intact.

  “Cooper!” said Tim. “It’s over. You can stop now.”

  “Huh?” said Cooper. He stopped beating Elfgina and stood up. “Everybody okay?” The Barbarian Rage left his body, and he shrank from massive to merely huge.

  “Yeah,” said Tim. “How about you?”

  “My knuckles are a little tender,” said Cooper. “But I’ll live.”

  Cooper dragged the three bodies back to the cave entrance.

  “Well,” said Julian. “Just one more to go. Who wants to go in first?”

  All eyes, as they did in situations like this, gravitated toward Cooper. Cooper, however, sat on the ground, blissfully picking his nose, unaware that everyone was staring at him.

  “No,” said Tim. “It can’t be Cooper this time. He’s blind.”

  “Oh yeah,” said Dave.

  “Why don’t you go, Dave?” said Tim. “You’ve got more Hit Points than either of us, and you really didn’t do shit during that last battle.”

  “I’m sorry,” Dave snapped. “I can’t help it if I’m slow.”

  “It makes sense,” said Julian. “You’re a dwarf. You’ve got Darkvision, and you’ve got knowledge of caves and shit, right?”

  “Fine,” said Dave. “I’ll go.” He cautiously stepped into the cave. Tim was about to step in behind him, when Dave said, “What the hell?”

  Tim froze. “What is it? What’s in there?”

  “Nothing,” said Dave. He walked out of the cave. It goes back another twenty feet or so, and opens up into a little room. There’s a couple of mats and a few shovels, but that’s it.”

  “What do you mean, that’s it?” asked Tim. “Where’s the seventh hobgoblin?”

  “Dunno,” said Dave. “Maybe he just went home or something.”

  “Shit!” said Tim. “We can’t go back with six heads. That nymph bitch will turn us all blind.” He started pacing back and forth. “What are we going to do? We should have left one of these guys alive to interrogate.”

  “Elfgina should still be alive,” said Cooper.

  Tim stopped pacing. “You punched him repeatedly in the face for like ten minutes straight. How could he possibly be alive?”

  “I was punching him with Subdual Damage,” said Cooper. “You know, just in case it was Dave again.”

  Dave’s face went pale. His eyes grew big and round, like he’d just walked in on his grandparents fucking. “Um… thanks?”

  Tim put his ear to Elfgina’s chest. “He still has a heartbeat! Cooper, sit on him. Dave give him a zero-level Heal spell, just to wake him up. Julian, back off a bit, would you?”

  Cooper sat on Elfgina’s chest and Julian stepped back.

  “I heal thee,” said Dave, touching the creature’s head.

  Elfgina groaned as he slowly came into consciousness. His eyes opened just a sliver, and then suddenly as wide as golf balls. “What do you want? Let me go! I’ll give you anything!”

  “Tell us where the seventh hobgoblin is!” Tim demanded.

  “What?” said Elfgina. “There’s only the six of us!”

  Tim pulled the dagger out of his boot. “I’m not fucking around, dude. You better talk.”

  “He’s telling the truth,” said Julian, stepping into the hobgoblin’s view. “He’s a coward. If the seventh hobgoblin was his own mother, he’d sell her out in a heartbeat.”

  Elfgina’s body writhed under Cooper’s weight. “Who are you calling a coward? You filthy elf! You disgusting abomination!”

  “Fuck this,” said Tim. “Just kill him.”

  “But he’s an unarmed prisoner,” said Dave.

  “But we need his fucking head,” said Tim. “We’ve got one too few as it is.”

  “Give him a weapon,” said Julian. “Let him go.”

  “Here,” said Tim, placing his dagger in the hobgoblin’s hand. “Stand up, Cooper.”

  Elfgina sprang to his feet and ran at Julian like a rabid dog.

  “Ray of Frost,” said Julian, pointing at the hobgoblin. The thin blue ray hit the creature in the nose, freezing its eyeballs solid. It dropped to the ground.

  Ravenus quickly flew in to take advantage of a new spin on an old delicacy. “This is fantastic,” he said. “Nice and crunchy, and the nerve just snaps right off.”

  “I’m starting to think zero-level spells are severely underrated,” said Dave.

  After chopping off the three heads they had available to them, they followed the stream to where their original fake campsite had been. They removed the head from the one-armed corpse, and then Ravenus guided them to the site of the battle where they’d killed Bonecrusher and Pepper.

  After removing Bonecrusher’s head, Cooper chucked it unceremoniously into his bag. “Well, that’s six heads. Now what?”

  They couldn’t put the question off any longer. “There’s only one thing to do,” said Tim. “We take her what we’ve got and explain to her that she was misinformed.”

  “Oh that’ll go over great,” said Dave. “Hi sadistic tree woman. Here’s something less than what we promised you. By the way, you’re stupid too.”

  “We’re not calling her stupid,” said Tim. “We’re just saying she’s misinformed. Where’s she getting her information from? Birds. Birds are stupid as shit.”

  “Hey!” said Julian.

  “I’m not talking about Ravenus. I’m talking about normal birds.”

  “Maybe she’ll understand,” said Dave. “But are we willing to gamble all of our eyes on it?”

  “I am,” said Cooper.

  “What other choice have we got?” asked Tim.

  Dave looked at the ground. “We could let Cooper stay blind for a while.”

  “Hey fuck you, Dave!” said Cooper.

  “I’m not talking about forever,” said Dave. “I mean like maybe we’ll go find a cleric in town who can sort him out or something.”

  “There’s anot
her option,” said Julian.

  Everyone with functional eyes looked at Julian.

  “It’s not the most pleasant option, but it’s something worth considering before we gamble on the nymph’s mercy.”

  “Spit it out,” said Tim.

  “If we can’t find another Hot Pockets head, --“

  “Hobgoblin,” said Tim.

  “If we can’t find another head, we’ll make one.”

  “And how do you propose we do that?” asked Dave.

  “See, that’s the unpleasant part,” said Julian. “I was thinking we take the wolf’s skull, and shove it into some of their skin. I don’t know. Maybe a foot or something.”

  “How the fuck is that going to pass for a head?” asked Cooper.

  “It’ll be covered in the right kind of hair. We’ll cut open a mouth hole and expose some wolf teeth. Cut out some eye holes and say that Ravenus ate the eyes. I’ll use my disguise skill to do as convincing a job as I can.”

  “And how do you plan to explain the fucking toes growing on the guy’s face?” asked Tim.

  “Give me some credit, dude,” said Julian. “Naturally we’ll cut off the toes. We’ll make it look like a giant wound. We’ll have to cover the whole thing with enough gore to make it look like it was beaten pretty badly. It doesn’t have to pass a close inspection. It’s psychological, you see. If someone hands you a mangled lump of bone and flesh with eye holes and teeth showing and tells you it’s a head, you’ll probably take their word at face value.”

  Cooper snorted. “Ha! Good one.”

  “Somebody please tell me they have a better idea than this,” said Tim. “Dave?”

  Dave looked at the ground.

  A final plea of desperation. “Cooper?”

  “I like Julian’s idea.”

  “Fuck.”

  When the butchery started, Tim climbed up a nearby tree. He couldn’t stomach the sight of it. Eventually, he fell asleep. His sleep was fitful and uneasy. More than once he woke up just barely stopping himself from rolling off of his branch. When the sun began to dissolve the darkness, he finally couldn’t force himself to sleep any more, though he desperately wanted to.

  “Good morning,” said Julian. “What do you think?”

  Tim looked down. Staring back at him was the most horrifying thing he had ever seen, real or imagined. It was like the Devil had miscarried Werewolf-Hitler’s baby. “Jesus Fucking Christ!” he shouted as he fell out of the tree.

  He landed on Cooper, which was tantamount to landing on a giant whoopee cushion, except that this one produced actual fart.

  “Dude,” said Cooper. “There are people trying to sleep here.

  Tim stood up on shaky legs, taking care to keep his eyes away from the monstrosity in Julian’s hands.

  “So,” said Julian. “Do you think it will pass?”

  “I’ll give credit where credit is due,” said Tim. “It looks like a head well enough. And nobody is going to look at that thing long enough to give it a proper inspection. Just put it in the fucking bag already, would you?”

  Dave was sprawled out on the ground, still in his armor. Tim kicked him awake.

  “Huh? What?” said Dave.

  “It’s time to go,” said Tim.

  “Did Julian finish the head?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How did it come out? Can I see it?”

  “Better not,” said Tim. “You might change your mind about not wanting to be blind.”

  With Ravenus leading the way, the group eventually made it back to the nymph’s oak grove. The life tree was again alive with the twittering of birds, and Ravenus excitedly flew up to join in their frolicking. The nymph herself was nowhere to be seen.

  “What do we do?” asked Dave.

  “Um, hello?” said Julian. There was no response.

  Tim marched up to the tree and knocked on it so hard his knuckles hurt. “Hey! Come on out! We’ve got what you asked for!”

  “Good morning!” The chirpy voice came from behind them. Tim, Dave, and Julian turned to face it. Cooper turned and faced a random direction. “It’s so good to see you again!”

  “I wish I could say the same,” said Tim. He’d brought her a bag full of heads. He figured he’d earned the right to be a little testy with her.

  “So do I,” said Cooper.

  “Well, well now, my big man,” said the nymph. “Perhaps you shall. Let’s see what you brought me.”

  Cooper upturned his bag and let the contents spill out on the ground.

  “Oh my!” said the nymph. “You boys have been busy indeed!”

  As the nymph looked down at the heads, Julian and Tim exchanged a nervous glance.

  “Excuse me, ma’am,” said Julian. “It has been a very long night, and we could really do with some rest. If it’s at all possible, we’d like to get our friend’s vision back and be on our way.”

  The nymph smiled as she walked in a slow circle around the heads, never once looking up from them.

  Julian cleared his throat. “We’ve done as you asked, after all.”

  “You have indeed,” said the nymph. “You’ve brought me seven hobgoblin heads. A very impressive feat, considering there were only six hobgoblins out there.”

  “Wait, what?” said Tim. “You knew there were only six hobgoblins? Then why –”

  “I wanted to see what you would do. I certainly wasn’t expecting a seventh head.”

  “You sadistic bitch!” said Tim. “You –”

  Julian bonked Tim on the head with his quarterstaff. “A thousand apologies, ma’am. We meant no offense. You put us in a difficult situation. The deception was my idea. I used a wolf’s skull, and –”

  “I know what you did, child,” said the nymph. “My birds have been watching you this whole time.

  Tim had a whole lot of vitriol to spit out, but Julian stopped him short with a quick glare.

  “We are at your mercy, oh mighty tree spirit,” said Julian, bowing and taking a knee. “What will you do with us?”

  The nymph looked down at Julian with a smug, satisfied grin, as if she were finally getting the sort of respect she thought she deserved. “You have exceeded my expectations in fulfilling the primary task set before you.”

  “We have?” said Dave. “But –”

  “You have amused me to no end.”

  “Jesus Fucking Christ!” shouted Cooper.

  Tim, Dave, and Julian looked up at him. He was staring down at the makeshift hobgoblin head.

  “Cooper!” cried Julian. “You can see!”

  “That’s pretty fucked up, dude,” said Cooper.

  “Come on, guys,” said Tim. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

  As they left, the nymph called out after them. “Feel free to visit again any time!” They quickened their pace.

  “I think I need to wash my eyes out with fire,” said Cooper.

  “How about a big bottle of stonepiss,” suggested Julian.

  “I suppose that will do.”

  The End.

  Buzzkill

  A low level Caverns and Creatures mini-adventure.

  (Original Publication Date: December 10, 2013)

  It’s times like these, when your best friend is dangling from the edge of a cliff, and you’re hanging onto his leg, and he shits on your head, that you really begin to reflect on the choices you’ve made in life… particularly those that involved choosing best friends and favorable topography to explore.

  “Julian!” cried a voice from above. It was either Tim or a random eight-year-old inexplicably lost in the desert

  Julian wiped the shit out of his eyes on Cooper’s calf and looked up. Tim’s little halfling head peeked out over the ledge. With one arm, he hugged the trunk of the same withered tree whose newly exposed roots Cooper was holding on to. In Tim’s other hand was a coil of rope.

  The rope fell and the bulk of the coil hit Julian in the face.

  “Ow!”

  “Grab the rope!” said Ti
m.

  Julian looked down just in time to see the broken pieces of rock, which he and Cooper had been standing on only seconds ago, explode into tiny clouds of dust at the bottom of the canyon below them. He had no intention of letting go of Cooper’s leg.

  “No!” said Julian. “Pull Cooper up.”

  “We can’t,” said Tim. “Dave and I are too short to reach him.”

  “Well dammit!” said Julian. “Cooper, don’t you have a bunch of ranks in the Climb skill?”

  “I think I’m taking a penalty on account of there being an elf on my leg,” said Cooper. “I can’t find any footholds.”

  “Grab the rope!” Tim repeated. “It’s the only way.”

  “Fine!” said Julian. He closed his eyes and willed himself to be able to let go with one arm. Finding the rope, he wrapped it around his wrist four times and gave it a tug. “I’m letting go of Cooper! Don’t you guys drop me!”

  “We’ve got you!” said Dave. “The other end is tied around me. You’re not going anywhere but up.”

  Julian let go of Cooper’s leg with his other hand and found himself swinging freely in the wide open air. “Pull!”

  Every part of Julian’s body except for his stomach immediately started to rise. When he scrambled onto solid ground, he discovered that his stomach had made the trip with him after all. He threw up.

  “You okay?” said Tim.

  “I’ll live,” said Julian, standing up on shaky legs, using the tree to support himself. The tree tilted about five degrees toward the cliff’s edge. Rocks and dirt spilled down.

  “Fuck!” said Cooper, below them.

  “Throw him the rope!” said Dave.

  Julian began to unwind the rope from around his wrist. The tree gave a little more, the roots on his side breaking up through the earth.

  “Hurry up!” said Tim.

  Just as Julian freed himself from the rope and tossed the end over the side, the ground beneath the tree disintegrated and the tree disappeared over the edge.

  “Cooper!” shouted Julian.

  “What?” shouted Cooper.

  Julian turned around. Dave and Tim were losing a battle of strength and mass, slipping inch by inch toward the edge of the cliff.