2d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  “Great Ragnor!” said the beekeeper. Julian was too far away to be sure, but he thought the dude might be crying. “Greta! Come quickly!”

  “I’m not going anywhere with all of those blasted bees buzzing around!” shouted a female voice from inside the cottage.

  “Love of my life!” said the beekeeper. “The gods have heard our prayers, and they have answered!”

  “Speak not idly of the gods, Thorak!” the voice inside the house snapped back at him. “I’ll not have it in my house.”

  “My words are not idle, love,” said Thorak, Holding Tim in his cupped hands and patting him gently on the head with his massive thumb. “Our dreams have come true! They have delivered us a child!”

  The front door swung open and an equally huge grey-skinned person shook the ground as she stomped out. She was as bald as her husband, but her breasts were like boulders under her apron. This must be Greta.

  “What blasphemy do you profane this house with? I tell you, I’ll not tolerate –” She clapped her own hands over her mouth as she looked into her husband’s. “Blessed be the gods! A little boy!”

  “Oh ho ho!” cried the beekeeper. He really was crying now. Tears streaked down either side of his stony grey face. “He’s made a little pee-pee right here in my hands!”

  “So he has,” said Greta. “Well bring him inside. We’ll get him cleaned up and I’ll wrap him in a fresh nappy. Then we’ll see about feeding him.”

  Thorak’s smile faltered briefly as he looked at Tim in his hands, but he beamed down at his wife with a broad smile which Julian thought might not be one hundred percent sincere.

  When they brought Tim inside the massive cottage, Julian stood up and looked for Ravenus. He spotted the bird flying high in a tight circular holding pattern directly above the bee-boxes. Julian waved his arms and willed Ravenus to look his way. Shortly after, Ravenus flew down to him.

  “Tim’s in trouble,” said Julian. “Those dire beekeepers think he’s a child delivered by the gods.”

  “Those what, sir?” asked Ravenus.

  “Dire beekeepers?”

  “The stone giants, you mean?”

  Julian’s face flushed. “Yes, of course. Do you have any ideas?”

  “As a matter of fact, I do,” said Ravenus. “As I was flying around up there, I got to thinking. Fish tend to decompose much more rapidly than mammals. If you were to combine the two somehow – say, mash them up together into a paste – you might only have to wait a few hours before it’s ready to eat. Maybe spread it on a crust of bread. Or just lap it up straight out of the –”

  “I was talking about ideas on how to rescue Tim.”

  Ravenus lowered his head. “Oh, of course sir. A thousand pardons. No, I’m afraid I don’t.”

  “Dammit,” said Julian, tugging on his long ears. “Even with Cooper and Dave here, I don’t think we could take those stone giants in a fight. They’re way too big. And if they really believe that Tim is their child, Diplomacy isn’t going to be much help either.”

  “If you don’t mind me saying so sir,” said Ravenus. “You’re a very talented sorcerer. I don’t think you always use your magic to its full potential. If you use your imagination, I bet you could –”

  “Magic!” said Julian.

  “Yes, sir,” said Ravenus. “The point I was making is that sometimes we –”

  “Shut up for a second. I want to check something out.” He closed his eyes and muttered to himself. “Detect Magic.” When he opened his eyes again, his vision was in black-and-white. He immediately turned toward the bee-boxes and found what he was looking for. The bottle which the stone giant had subdued the bees with glowed bright pink. He’d left it on top of the bee box.

  Julian closed his eyes and shook the spell free from his head. “Ravenus, do you think you’d be able to pick up that bottle over there?”

  “I wouldn’t think so, sir. “There’s not really a spot for me to wrap my talons around.”

  “It’s too high for me to reach,” said Julian. “We’ll have to do this as a team.”

  “Have you thought of a plan then, sir?”

  “Yes.”

  “Brilliant!”

  Julian smiled. He really liked having Ravenus around. “Thank you. Now here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to walk over there, slowly and quietly. The idea is to not let the stone giants hear me and not provoke the bees. When I’m in position, next to the big stone bee-box, you fly over and tip the bottle off the edge. I’ll catch it, and we’ll both meet back here. Got it?”

  “No problem, sir!”

  As Julian inched his way toward the massive stone bee box, the air smelled more and more strongly of hickory, which he assumed was from the lingering traces of bottled smoke. He paused whenever a bee flew too close. Proximity was a problem he was going to have to face anyway, though, as he was the one approaching their home.

  The bees ignored him for the most part until he stepped within about twenty feet of the box. Then a trio of bees started buzzing past him more aggressively. He stood as still as the stone the boxes were made of as the bees sated their curiosity. They passed so close that he could feel the air move from their wings.

  One of the three hovered directly in front of Julian. Its buzz seemed as loud as a riding lawn mower, and it made clicking, chittering sounds with its mouth. Julian didn’t need to understand bee-speak to make a guess as to what this bee was trying to tell him. Back your elf-ass up. We would prefer not to leave vital parts of our anatomy inside you, but we will do just that if you step any closer to this box.

  Julian conceded defeat. He had been outsmarted by three insects. His plan had failed. He was about to take a step back when Ravenus flew in and tipped the bottle off the top of the box. It landed on the grass below, and the stopper fell out. Smoke poured out and a thick cloud began to form. Ravenus started rolling the bottle toward him.

  Julian held his breath and his eyes began to water as the cloud moved his way, but Ravenus’s quick thinking had worked. The bee which had been interrogating Julian settled down on the grass for a nice little nap, and his two wingmen had flown away from the smoke. When it was within reach, Julian grabbed the bottle and sprinted back to his rendezvous spot on the hill. It wasn’t as tiny up close as the giant had made it seem. It was a little bigger than a 3-Liter Coke bottle. Smoke continued to billow out of the top of the bottle, so Julian held it over his head as he ran so that he could breathe. He felt like a steam locomotive.

  When he stopped at the rendezvous spot, holding the bottle over his head no longer had any effect. The smoke continued to pour out, surrounding him. He held his breath again, trying to cover the top of the bottle with his hand. The smoke ran right through his fingers. He turned the bottle upside-down and pushed the open end into the grassy earth. Still no good. Smoke was all around him, and his eyes were burning like sons of bitches. They would need to go back for the stopper. Ravenus could get it.

  Julian called out, “Ra—haugh haugh blaugh haugh!” He choked, his oxygen-starved lungs sucking in enormous quantities of smoky air.

  As an alternative to passing out and suffocating to death, Julian forced his legs into motion. He ran in a wide circle until his choking calmed down. Then he continued running as he scanned the skies for Ravenus. Where the hell was that bird? He stopped running when a small metal sphere fell out of the sky, thudding into the ground next to him.

  “The hell?” Julian muttered before the ever-growing cloud of smoke forced him to hold his breath again. Picking it up, he discovered that the sphere was only the top of the object. It was connected to a cone, sort of like a child’s drawing of an ice-cream cone. It took a few more seconds before his smoke-filled brain made the connection. He placed the stopper into the top of the bottle. It was a perfect fit. The air cleared and Julian let out a long sigh of relief.

  “Thought you might need that,” said Ravenus, flapping to the ground next to Julian.

  “Well done, Ravenus.”


  “Now what’s this plan of yours?”

  Julian looked curiously at his familiar. “What are you talking about?”

  “Your plan to rescue Tim,” said Ravenus. “You said you had a plan.”

  “Oh no,” said Julian. “I meant I had a plan to get this bottle. We just carried it out.”

  “Um…” Ravenus scratched at the ground with a talon. “And a finely executed plan it was, sir,” he lied. “But what do we need the bottle for?”

  “It’s magical!” said Julian enthusiastically. “There must be a thousand and one uses for a continuously smoking bottle.” His enthusiasm waned with each word of that sentence.

  “Outside of bee subdual,” said Ravenus, “I’m hard-pressed to think of one.”

  Julian frowned, looking at his newly acquired treasure. He’d find a use for it. They wouldn’t bother including a magic item in the game if its only practical use was for beekeepers, would they?

  “I with Cooper and Dave would hurry up. We need to work out a strategy.”

  “The stupid one will be along shortly,” said Ravenus. “I saw him running this way while I was flying.”

  “Alone?” Julian stood up and looked eastward just in time to see Cooper’s head rise above the crest of the next hill over. “Where’s Dave?”

  Ravenus shrugged his wings.

  “Oh no!” cried Tim from inside the cottage. “Please, anything but that! I’m telling you, you’ve got the wrong –” The rest was muffled grunts.

  Julian desperately wanted to run to Tim, but heading Cooper off was the safer option. If Cooper opened his big mouth and alerted the stone giants to their presence, it could mean death for all of them, Tim included. Also, Julian would need Cooper’s help to be able to look in the window.

  Holding a finger over his lips, he ran as fast as he could toward Cooper. They met in the shallow valley between the two hills.

  “Where’s Dave?” Julian asked.

  “He’s coming,” said Cooper. “He’s slow. What the fuck is that?”

  “Huh?” Julian followed Cooper’s gaze to the bottle in his hand. “Oh, it’s a magic bottle. It makes smoke. I swiped it from a stone giant’s house. I thought it might come in handy for rescuing Tim.”

  “Shit,” said Cooper. “Tim got captured by stone giants?”

  “More like adopted. They think he’s their baby, delivered by the gods.”

  “That’s fucked up, dude. Wait, so they’re like a married couple?”

  Julian shrugged. “I guess.”

  “And they don’t know where babies come from?”

  “I guess not.”

  “That’s fucked up, dude.”

  “We should get to the cottage,” said Julian. “I think they’re torturing him or something.”

  Cooper put his hands on his hips. “Now that’s just bad parenting.”

  They approached the side of the cottage as quietly as they could. Cooper wasn’t particularly stealthy, but Julian felt confident that Tim’s continuing grunts and protests would cover them well enough.

  “Oh god stop!” cried Tim as Cooper and Julian stood beneath the window. “It’s like Pepto Bismol and sand. I can’t –” He was stifled again.

  “Lift me up,” whispered Julian. Cooper grabbed him by the waist and lifted him over his head. Julian took a tentative peek over the sill. Greta sat topless, facing away from the window, pressing Tim’s face against her huge gray breast. Thorak rubbed her naked shoulders.

  Tim’s eyes met Julian’s, and he let out a long, muffled groan. Julian put his finger over his lips and nodded.

  “What’s going on?” asked Cooper in what passed for a whisper for him.

  “Shh!” Julian said, looking down at him. He whispered back, “She’s breastfeeding Tim.”

  “No way!” said Cooper, letting go of Julian.

  “Ow!” said Julian, his face hitting the window sill on the way down. He landed on his ass.

  Cooper jumped up, grabbed the window sill, and pulled himself up to peek over. “Oh shit.”

  “Hey!” Thorak shouted from inside.

  Cooper let go of the window sill. “Dude, I’ve got some bad news.”

  “You think?” Julian whispered harshly at him.

  “What is it?” cried Greta. “What’s happening?”

  “Nothing to worry about, love,” said Thorak. “Just a pervert. I’ll take care of him.” His voice seemed extra loud, as if he was giving them a warning, maybe a chance to run.

  “Dude, come on,” said Cooper. “We’ve got to go.”

  “No,” said Julian. The seed of an idea began to take root in his head. “You’ve got to go. He didn’t see me. Throw me up onto the roof and start hauling ass.”

  “But what about –”

  “Dude. Don’t think. Throw.”

  “Okay,” said Cooper. He picked up Julian and tossed him underhandedly onto the roof. His ninety-five pound elf-body was nothing for Cooper’s massive strength.

  He landed surprisingly gently on the roof. Even more surprising was seeing Ravenus there staring back at him.

  “Well isn’t this nice, sir,” said Ravenus. “I certainly wasn’t expecting to see you up here.”

  “Keep it down,” said Julian. “I’m hiding.” He scooted back away from the edge of the flat stone roof and watched Cooper run away. A few seconds later, Thorak was in view chasing after him and carrying a huge, bulging sack. He would have caught up with any of the rest of them with ease, but Cooper had a Movement Bonus as part of the barbarian package. Julian silently congratulated himself on remembering that. He was getting the hang of this game.

  “Sir?” said Ravenus.

  “Okay, here’s the plan,” said Julian. “I’ll sneak in through the kitchen window, hide this bottle somewhere, pull the stopper, and sneak back out. When the lady stone giant smells the smoke, she’ll leave Tim behind to go investigate. Tim sneaks out of this window, and we all run like hell.” He crossed his arms and stuck his chin out, proud of himself for coming up with a plan, and for thinking of a practical use for the smoking bottle. “What do you think?”

  “If I may say so, sir,” said Ravenus meekly. Mustering up his courage, he continued. “Your plan seems just a bit far-fetched.”

  “What are you talking about?” said Julian. “It’s foolproof!”

  “Let’s, for the moment, take for granted that every part of your plan happens exactly the way you expect it will,” said Ravenus. “Mind you, I’m not entirely convinced of that, but that’s neither here nor there. How long do you think you’ll have to run before she figures out that her baby is missing? She’ll catch up to you in a matter of minutes. And what do you think she’ll do to her son’s kidnapper?”

  “I’ll admit you raise some thought-provoking questions,” said Julian. A moment later, he added, “Shit.”

  As it turned out, Julian wouldn’t have had the time to carry out his plan anyway. Thorak didn’t chase Cooper very far. He reached into his sack and pulled out a boulder roughly the size of a beach ball. He hurled it at Cooper, who only just managed to duck out of the way before the huge, round rock exploded into a nearby outcropping.

  “The next one’s for your head, you filthy pervert!” the angry giant called out after Cooper. “Dishonor my wife again, and I’ll make you into a stew!” He hefted his sack of rocks over his shoulder and trudged back toward his house.

  Julian took cover behind the chimney. Just as Thorak was getting close enough to make Julian nervous, another figure crested the hill to the east. It was Dave, out of breath and naked from the waist down. He held his helmet over his junk, but his ass must have still been too swollen to don the lower half of his armor.

  Upon seeing one another, Dave and Thorak paused in mutual disbelief.

  “Jesus Christ!” said Dave.

  “Another one!” Thorak growled. “Perverts everywhere!”

  “Huh?” said Dave. He looked down at his helmet. “Oh, no. You don’t understand. I was just –”

 
A boulder smashed into Dave’s breastplate, sending him tumbling backwards down the hill and out of sight.

  “What’s become of this world?” Thorak grumbled to himself as he walked to the front door. The house shook when he slammed it behind him.

  “Go see if Dave is okay,” Julian said to Ravenus.

  “Right-O!” said Ravenus as he flew off.

  “Did you get rid of the perverts?” asked Greta.

  “They won’t be bothering you again anytime soon,” said Thorak.

  After hearing the ferocity with which the giant had shouted at Cooper and Dave, Julian only now picked up on how very gently he spoke to his wife.

  “You didn’t…” Greta started.

  “No, love,” said Thorak. “Of course not. We are not savages. Oh, but I gave them a warning they’ll not soon forget.”

  “I’m worried about little Krum,” said Greta. “He’s not taking down much milk at all.”

  “You named him Krum!” said Thorak. His voice was positively jolly. “After my own father. What a lovely gesture!”

  “Your father was always kind to me.”

  “He keeps spitting up on me. Do you think he’s sick?”

  There followed a sound like a plunger being pulled out of a clogged toilet, then a loud, liquid splat.

  “Mayhap the gods sent him to us with a full stomach, so not to overburden us on our first day of parenthood.”

  “Oh!” said Greta. “They are wise and generous indeed!”

  “Now why don’t you go in the kitchen and wash up? I’ll look after little Krum here.” A moment later, he spoke again. His voice was quieter, sterner, and more direct. “Sit down. We haven’t much time.”

  “Are you people crazy?” said Tim. His voice was raw and raspy. “I’m not what you think I am.”

  “I know what you are, halfling. Do you know that I rescued you from being devoured by the queen of my bees? ’Tis true! You owe me a debt, and I intend to collect.” After a short pause, he continued. “You’ve been through an ordeal. You must be hungry. Here, have some cheese.”