My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding

by L. A. Banks

  Unable to read another word of the description that was so eerily close to himself that it made him want to choke his Squire, Rafael let out a disgusted breath. "While I'm both flattered and highly offended, I can assure you, this won't win you a Hugo or Nebula nomination."

  Jeff pulled the magazine out of his hands again in a high-handed manner. "I resent that. It's a great story. And you don't exactly have those tattoos, either, now do you?"

  Rafael's right eye started twitching from the aggravation. "I have intricate scroll work tattooed up my neck to the base of my skull and like Ralph"—he growled the word—"I have them on both arms. They're close enough to what you describe. No matter how you dis­guise this trite bullshit, it's my life, Jeff. Penned in an awkward man­ner. It's things I didn't want to see in black-and-white print. You're lucky after three hundred years that I've mellowed. In my human days, I'd have slit your throat, pulled your tongue through the open­ing, and left you tied to a tree for the wolves to eat."

  "Ew!"

  "Yes," he said, taking a step toward the overgrown adolescent, "and effective. Trust me, no one betrayed me twice."

  "What about the guy who killed you?"

  Rafael's eyes flared as he fought his urge to kill the boy. It was a damn good thing that he liked Jeff's father and the man had served him well for over twenty years. Otherwise Jeff would be meeting with an "accident" right about. . . oh, now.

  Taking a deep breath, Rafael asked in a tone that belied his anger, "I only have one more question. What's the circulation on this rag?"

  Jeff shrugged. "I don't know. About one hundred and fifty thou­sand worldwide, I think."

  "You are so dead."

  "Oh, come on," Jeff said, dismissing the very real danger he was facing. "You're overreacting. No one is going to care." The best place to hide is out in the open. Haven't you ever heard that? Step out of the Dark Ages, Rafe. Everywhere you look there are vampires and a whole counterculture dedicated to them. Open your mouth to a woman, show her your fangs, and she'll beg you to bite her. Trust me. I have a fake set I wear to parties and use frequently. Nowadays being undead doesn't get you killed. It just makes it easier to get laid."

  Rafael shook his head. "That argument has reached a whole new level of lame."

  "Please, spare me that, old wise one. There's a whole new school of thought going around about how best to protect and hide you guys. If we start telling people about the Dark-Hunters, but make them think it's a book series or some urban fantasy thing, when they actually meet one of you, they'll just think you're either actors or roleplayers. Or at the very worst, they'll think you're insane, but never will they believe you're real."

  He was seriously considering getting Jeff a CAT scan to make sure the kid still had a brain. "What Einstein came up with this?"

  "Well. . . originally it was Nick Gautier."

  "And the poor man is now dead. Shouldn't you guys be following someone else's ideas?"

  "No. It makes perfect sense. Get out of the basement, Rafe, and hang with the new generation. We know the 911."

  Rafael snorted. "It's 411, Jeff, and you don't know shit. But you are going to need 911 once the Council learns about this."

  "I'll be fine, trust me. Nick and I aren't the only ones who think like this these days."

  Those words had no sooner left his mouth than Rafael's cell phone started ringing. He checked the ID to see "Ephani." An an­cient Amazon who'd crossed over almost three thousand years ago, she was definitely an acquired taste. But even so, he liked her a great deal. Pulling the phone off his belt, he answered it.

  "What's up, Amazon?" he asked, stepping away from Jeff while his Squire continued to admire his story in the magazine.

  The kid had no sense of self-preservation.

  "Hey, Rafe. I-um . . . I'm not sure how to break this to you, but do you know what your Squire's been up to lately?"

  Deciding to play it cool, Rafael cut a glare at Jeff. "Writing the great American novel, what else?"

  "Uh-huh. Have you ever read one of those novels he's been working on?"

  "Not until today. Why?"

  She let out a long sigh. "I'm assuming you have a copy of the Es­cape Velocity magazine with his story in it, right?"

  "I do."

  "Good, then it won't come as a shock to you to know that my Squire just left and she's heading over to your house to have a talk with Jeff. If I were you—"

  "Say no more. He's leaving the country even as we speak. Thanks for the call, Eph."

  "No problem, amigo."

  Hanging up the phone, he narrowed his eyes on Jeff. "That was Ephani warning me that you're about twenty minutes from dying."

  Jeff's face turned stone white. "What?"

  He nodded. "Her Squire, Celena, Ms. Blood Rite, I-kill-anything-that-breaks-formation, is on her way over here to have a word with you. Since Celena isn't real big on conversation, I'm taking that as a euphemism for 'kick your ass.' "

  Rafael paused as those words conjured one hell of an image in his mind—Celena kicking his ass in that pair of stiletto corset boots she often wore. And in his mind she was wearing nothing but a thong. . . . Yeah . . . that was something he definitely wouldn't mind.

  A native of Trinidad, Celena had the most perfect mocha com­plexion he'd ever seen. It was so smooth and inviting that it begged a man to taste it.

  And her lips . . .

  Angelina Jolie had nothing on her. She moved slow and seductive like a cat and he'd spent more than his fair share of time wanting her to rub that lean, curvy body of hers up against his.

  But unfortunately, she was a Squire and he was a Dark-Hunter. By the rules of their world, she was off limits to him, and though Rafael didn't give two shits about most rules, Celena lived for them.

  It was a crime against nature in his opinion that a woman that fine couldn't be corrupted.

  "What do I do?" Jeff asked.

  "Well, not to insult a man who looks like a rocket scientist in comparison to you, but. . . run, Forrest, run."

  "But I didn't do anything wrong. It's a new era where—-"

  "Do you really want to argue that point while someone, who is only a few minutes away, is speeding over here to most likely kill you?"

  Jeff paused for a single heartbeat before common sense finally seized him. "Where should I hide?"

  If it wasn't for the fact that as a Dark-Hunter Rafael was impervi­ous to illness, he'd swear a migraine was starting right behind his left eye. "Get to the basement and hide there. Don't make a peep and don't leave until I tell you it's safe."

  Jeff nodded before he ran for the door. Two seconds later he was back. Rafael watched him with a frown as he searched around the room until he located the baseball bat he'd used yesterday at the bat­ting cages. He picked it up and cradled it to his chest before he headed back toward the basement.

  "What are you doing?" Rafael asked.

  "Protection."

  Yeah, right. Celena was highly trained and deadly. A whack with the bat would only piss her off an instant before she jerked it out of Jeff's hands and beat him with it, but far be it from him to tell Gomer that.

  "Hide well," Rafael said, exaggerating his voice.

  Jeff nodded again before he dashed down to where Rafael's bed­room and living area were.

  Pressing the heel of his hand against his brow where the imagined pain seemed to be located, Rafael glanced around the parlor of his Victorian house to make sure that Jeff hadn't left anything like his underwear lying about. The boy was a good Squire in that he kept up the appearance that someone lived in the house who actually aged but seriously sucked when it came to general housekeeping.

  At least for once the place was decent. Except for the Xbox that Jeff had left stretched from the plasma TV to the leather sofa. Rafael had just turned the game off and put it away when he heard a fierce knock on his front door.

  Rafael straightened his shirt before he sauntered over to answer it. He could already see Celena's curvy outline t
hough the frosting on the glass. The porch light highlighted her medium brown hair that she wore pulled back from her face to trail in a ponytail of small braids from the crown of her head.

  Her lips were perfect and outlined in dark red glossy lipstick. She had catlike almond-shaped eyes and an attractive mole right above the left arch of those lips.

  Damn, she was the finest-looking woman he'd ever seen. Open­ing the door, he gave her the sexiest smile he could. "Hi, Celena."

  But she was all business. Her dark brown eyes didn't even glance his way. They went straight past him, into the house.

  "Where's Jeff?"

  "Don't know."

  That finally succeeded in getting her to look at him, but then she quickly glanced away and continued to search the house with her gaze. "What do you mean, you don't know? After dark, a Dark-Hunter is always supposed to know the whereabouts of his or her Squire."

  "Ah, c'mon," he teased. "You don't really tell Ephani every place you go after dark, do you?"

  "Of course I do."

  She tried to step past him, but he quickly blocked her way and kept her outside on the porch.

  "So what do you want with Jeff?" he asked in a nonchalant tone.

  "That's Squires' business."

  "Really? I thought anything that concerned a Hunter's Squire also concerned the Hunter, since he's my partner, in a purely platonic sense."

  The edges of her lips twitched as if she found something funny about his words.

  He couldn't explain it, but he really wanted to see a full-blown smile from this woman. "What?"

  One corner of her mouth lifted into an attractive grin, but it still wasn't the smile he wanted to see from her. The kind that would light up her eyes and make her laugh. "I was just thinking about Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash—the pirate's credo."

  He laughed at that even though he should have been offended. "Jeff is too hairy for my tastes. I much prefer a woman's smooth skin . . . the softness of a female body. I never was one to cuddle a porcupine."

  Celena swallowed at the seductive tone in Rafael's deep voice. The sound of it had always reminded her of James Earl Jones, except Rafael's was marked by a heavy Brazilian accent. One that sent a chill down her spine.

  She knew she had no business even looking at him with anything remotely similar to lust, and yet the man set her hormones on fire. Especially that wicked scent of masculine power tinged with Brut aftershave. It was a deadly combination.

  Not to mention the fact that he was wearing a tight black V-neck sweater that only emphasized how perfectly formed he was. It clung to every dip and bulge of the muscles on his body. How was a woman supposed to keep her mind straight when a man like this was in front of her?

  Clearing her throat, she forced her thoughts back to business. "Where is he?"

  A devilish glint taunted her from the midnight depths of his eyes. "Tell me what you want with him and I might tell you where he is."

  Narrowing her gaze, she found it difficult to maintain her out­raged anger while he looked at her with that playful air. And that se­riously annoyed her. "I'm here to take him into custody and deliver him to the Council."

  "Well, that sucks." Even though his tone was sincere, she could tell he was mocking the Council and their orders. "Bank robbery, handing out the passwords for the Dark-Hunter Web site, carjacking, mugging, cats mixing with dogs, and now this . . . writing a short story. High crimes all. You get the rope and we'll hang him for it. God forbid the whole twelve subscribers of that magazine should ac­tually read a fictional story and think it real."

  She glared at him. How dare he make light of this. "It has a sub­stantial readership."

  "And Jeff used a pseudonym for not only us but himself as well. As the kid says, what better place to hide than under people's noses?" Even as he said that, he couldn't believe he was backing Jeff's story. But then that was what friends should do for each other. "It's noth­ing to worry over."

  "Nothing?" She was aghast at his light tone. How could he write this off as if it were nothing more than a simple hangnail that both­ered them? "He's exposed us."

  "No, Talon getting filmed in the middle of a hissy fit in New Or­leans exposed us. Zarek getting caught on tape exposed us. This is minor. I mean, damn, Acheron was able to cover up all the others with little incidence. This, too, shall pass."

  Not bloody likely. "This is entirely different."

  "I agree. Jeff is mortal and only has a handful of years left to him, whereas Talon and Zarek have an eternity to continue being stupid. Let's not shorten the kid's life any more than we have to, shall we?"

  He did have a point, but she hated to admit that. Besides, that didn't matter. She was here to do her job. Rafael didn't control her. She was a representative of the Council. "What happens to him isn't my decision. It's the Council's. I'm merely here to collect him."

  "He's just a kid."

  "He's only two years younger than I am and he's certainly old enough to know to keep his mouth shut."

  "Haven't you ever done something you knew you shouldn't and then regretted it?"

  She didn't hesitate with her answer. "No."

  "No?" he asked incredulously. "You've never once broken a rule, lied, or got away with anything?"

  "Only once in junior high when my sister came home late, be­cause I didn't want to get her into trouble. Then one week later, she did it again and was injured in a car wreck, trying to get home be­fore dawn, which taught me the value of lying to help someone. Since then I've never told another one and I don't intend to start now. I have integrity."

  "Wow. You have one boring life."

  "I resent that."

  Those dark eyes teased and tormented her with a mixture of amusement and pity. "Resent all you want, but it's true. How have you managed to live such a perfect life?"

  And that she resented even more. "It's not perfect. It has mo­ments of. . ." She paused as she realized what she'd almost let slip. There were times when she really hated how uptight she was. But every time she'd ever tried to do something that was even remotely fun or even the least bit dishonest, she'd paid for it in the worst sort of way.

  Like the time in high school when her sister had talked her into skipping school. They'd no more than driven down the street when her sister had plowed into the side of a Mercedes. Or the one time Celena had cut a man off in traffic only to get a flat tire immediately.

  She had bad karma, which kept her perpetually toeing the line. If she'd been Jeff, the moment they published that story she'd have probably died of ink poisoning or something equally as bizarre.

  But this wasn't about her. It was about a man who'd broken his Squire's oath, and he needed to be reprimanded.

  Rafael tilted his head as he waited for her to finish her sentence. She was thinking of something, and from the darkness of her eyes and the furrow of her brow he could tell it was painful for her. "Of?"

  Her expression turned blank. "Nothing."

  Rafael gave her his best smile as he considered a way to save Jeff and to get him the one thing he wanted most. . . more time with a woman who tempted him.

  "C'mon, Celena. Learn to live a little."

  "I have rules to follow and a job to do. Surely even you can ap­preciate that."

  "But don't you want to break free and have some fun just once in your life?"

  She didn't answer, but by the look on her face he could tell that he was getting to her.

  "Look," he said, trying to weaken her even more, "let's make a deal. Give me a week and if I can't get you to break one single Squire's rule, I'll hand Jeff over and let you hang him. . . . Hell, I'll even buy the rope. But if I do get you to break a rule . . . one teensy little rule, you'll let him go."

  She shook her head. "It'll never work. The Council won't wait a week."

  "Sure they will. Tell them you can't find him and that you're looking for him."

  Her face hardened. "I can't do that. It's a lie."

  She was a tough one. He'd neve
r met anyone with so much re­solve to do the right thing before. But then again, he'd been a pirate in his mortal life and high moral fiber wasn't exactly something they had a plethora of. In fact, those possessed of that madness usually found themselves killed off fairly quickly.

  It was part of what he found so fascinating about her. How could someone live her life as she did? He didn't understand it, and a strange part of himself wanted to.

  It was the same part of himself that wanted to know more about this woman other than the fact that she looked edible in those black jeans and crop top.

  "You know," he said playfully, "it's not a lie. You really don't know where he is, and I can make sure that he runs from you for eternity."

  She let out a tired breath as if she were suddenly tired of fighting him. "Why are you doing this?"

  For once, Rafael was honest. "Because as stupid as he is, Jeff is a friend of mine, and I'm not going to hang him out to dry."

  Celena had to admire that. Many Dark-Hunters could care less what happened to their Squires. To them a Squire was a servant, plain and simple.

  "C'mon, Celena." He gave her a wink. "It's the only shot you have at getting him."

  "And if I don't break a rule in a week's time?"

  "I'll hand him over."

  She cocked her head as she considered that. Rafael wasn't exactly known for keeping his word. "You swear?"

  "Every day."

  She hissed at him. "That's not what I mean and you know it."

  For the first time, his handsome face turned completely serious. "On my word as a pirate who died defending his crew, absolutely."

  He said it with such conviction that she found herself actually be­lieving it. Besides, he was right. If he wanted to hide Jeff, there wasn't much they could do to reclaim him. And knowing the two of them, Jeff and Rafael would probably rub all their noses in it, too.

  "Okay. I'm going to trust you. In seven days, I'll be back to col­lect him. Have him here and waiting."

  She turned to leave only to find Rafael's hand on her arm, pulling her to a stop.