Through the Window 2

by Mary Jane Ballew

  Caroline longed to rush into his arms and tell him she was sorry for every cruel thing she had said. More than anything, she wished she could push past the fear and tell him the truth, but she could not. She hesitated for a moment, swallowed hard, and turned away from him. “Truly, Mr. Fitzwilliam you amaze me,” she said rather snidely as she walked over to the fireplace. She forced herself to keep her composure as she turned back to face him. “A few well-chosen words, a few stray tears, some heart-wrenching looks and you believe me some kind of wounded creature that you must swoop in and rescue,” she laughed. “Truly, it must be your vanity that made you think I could ever love you,” she shook her head, “What would your dear Emily think of you now, having been deceived by the very kind of woman you prided yourself on avoiding?”

  Owen’s eyes flashed with anger, “That is enough, Miss Bingley!” he said coldly. “You have said enough!” he told her as he turned and moved towards the door.

  Caroline stood there for a moment, watching him go. Her heart ached, as tears began to spill over and roll down her cheeks. Her breath caught in her chest, and for a moment, she wanted to stop him. To take it all back and tell him the truth, but she knew it was all for the best. He deserved better than her, and once he knew the truth of her shame, he would never think of her again. Better for her to reject him now before he could crush her heart. She reached out her hand and clenched it into a tight fist as he opened the door and then slammed it shut behind him.

  As Caroline realized what she had done, her emotions boiled over. She felt as if she could not breathe as the realization that she had just sent away the only man she would ever love washed over her. “What have I done!” she cried as tears poured forth. “Oh Owen, my darling Owen, what have I done!”

  Elizabeth was on her way past the parlor when Mr. Fitzwilliam came out and slammed the door shut. She saw how angry he looked and hurried to step out of his way. “Is everything all right, Mr. Fitzwilliam?” she asked him.

  Owen did not stop or answer her. Instead, he walked past her and down the hall. Elizabeth furrowed her brow and slowly opened the door to the parlor. She stepped inside and saw Caroline weeping in a crumpled heap on the floor. She hurried over to her. Elizabeth’s eyes narrowed; she had never seen Caroline cry before. “What is it, Caroline, what has happened? Why was Mr. Fitzwilliam so upset just now?”

  Caroline reached up and wiped her eyes. “I do not know,” she said trying to hide her feelings. “I cannot say,” she told her as tears continued to fill her eyes.

  Elizabeth knew she was not telling her the truth, “Surely you must have some understanding as to why he was so upset. What did you say to him?”

  Caroline shook her head as she came to terms with what she had done. “I was dreadful to him. I said terrible, terrible things without cause. I did not want to, but I had to.”

  “Caroline, what has happened between you and Mr. Fitzwilliam?” Elizabeth asked her again. “Did he declare his love for you?” she pressed her to answer.

  Caroline nodded her head. “Yes!” she cried. “He did tell me he loved me,” she said as her voice broke.

  “And he wanted to marry you?” Elizabeth asked.

  Caroline nodded her head vigorously as her heart pounded in her chest. “Yes, he asked me to be his wife!” she cried all the harder.

  “Then I do not understand why you are so upset! What has happened to make him so angry?”

  “I rejected him,“ Caroline finally admitted to her.

  Elizabeth was stunned. She shook her head. “But why!” she demanded to know. “Owen Fitzwilliam is wealthy; he will become Lord Fitzwilliam when his father dies. You will have everything you ever wanted; money, a title, connections,” she told her. “He loves you, and it is clear to see you are in love with him, so why would you reject him?

  “I had to!” Caroline said as she pulled away from her and stood up. “I had to,” she said again as her voice broke.

  “Why did you have to?” Elizabeth asked, “You would have been happily situated with him. For what possible reason would you reject such an offer?”

  Caroline began shaking as tears ran down her cheeks, “I had to. I could not marry him, not now,” she whispered softly.

  Elizabeth took in a deep breath, “You do not love him?” she said, trying to understand.

  Caroline turned and looked back at her. She shook her head, “No, I do love him,” she cried harder. “I love him very much!”

  “Then why would you reject him and send him away?” Elizabeth asked her.

  Caroline looked at Elizabeth and shook her head. She twisted the handkerchief in her hand and cried out. “Because of my past! I had to send him away. I had to lie to him! Oh Elizabeth, I have just lost the only man I have ever truly and deeply loved because as a girl, I was so very stupid and did something so dreadful I cannot even speak of it to you now!”

  Elizabeth could see she was hurting and that whatever was troubling her was a very deep and old wound, “Caroline, if you love Mr. Fitzwilliam, and he loves you, then he will forgive whatever it is you think you have done,” she tried to encourage her.

  “No, he will not,” she said as she walked over to the fire. Fresh tears began to fall as she thought about what she had done, and why she could not marry such a worthy man as Owen Fitzwilliam. She tried to clear her throat and regain her composure, but she was unable to do so. She turned and looked over at Elizabeth. She laughed a little as the tears streamed down her cheeks. “Mr. Darcy was supposed to marry me…” she said so softly that Elizabeth almost missed it.

  Elizabeth’s eyes flashed with anger. “But he did not!” she snapped at her. “He married me, and once more, he loves me!” she told her, putting an end to any delusions she thought Caroline might still hold on to.

  Caroline’s voice broke as she nodded her head. “You are perfectly right in saying that,” she said. “He does love you, and he always will. The two of you are perfectly suited for each other in every way.”

  “If you know that to be true, then why did you reject Mr. Fitzwilliam so cruelly?” Elizabeth demanded to know. “If you love him, then why?”

  Caroline did not answer her question. Instead, she said, “His name was Lord Geoffrey Ashworth, and he was perfect. He was perfectly handsome, perfectly charming, and perfectly capable of deceiving a young girl who had just turned sixteen into believing that he loved her,” she said as she wiped her eyes and sniffled in.

  Elizabeth furrowed her brow. “Was Lord Ashworth someone from your past?”

  Caroline nodded her head. “I had just turned sixteen, and my father sent me to spend the summer with my Aunt and Uncle Miller. I was so excited; I had never really been anywhere before, and the prospect of being out in society and spending time with eligible gentlemen was all so new to me,” she said as she walked over and sat down.

  Elizabeth walked over and sat down across from her, “What happened?” she asked.

  Caroline fought internally to reveal the entire truth once and for all. She chewed her bottom lip as more tears came. “I met Lord Ashworth not long after I arrived. He was so handsome, so captivating, that I thought myself in love with him almost at once. My uncle was the lower master, and he taught Latin to young, wealthy men at Cambridge. Lord Ashworth was one of his students. We were thrown together often, and he paid special attention to me. He flattered me, and told me how special I was,” she told her as she struggled to get each word out. “He listened to me and told me everything I ever dreamed of hearing. It was all so romantic and wonderful.”

  Elizabeth looked at Caroline; she could see how painful the memory was for her to talk about. “What happened with Lord Ashworth, Caroline?”

  Caroline continued. “By the end of summer, I was so sure Lord Ashworth would follow me back to London and call upon my father. He had said how much he loved me, how ardently he adored me. He said we would be together always, and that a love such as ours could not be denied. I was so sure,” she said with so much anguish in her vo
ice. “I was so sure we would be together always. He said as much to me. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I wanted to tell the world, but he insisted that we had to keep it a secret until he could speak with his father, so I agreed. Every day we were together, I fell more deeply in love with him. I could hardly keep to myself the happiness I felt, so I wrote to Louisa telling her all about him. I was so sure we would be married. He said we would be married,” she said as she looked down at her hands. “I wrote to Louisa, ‘very soon, dear sister, you shall be calling me Lady Caroline Ashworth,’” she said as she tried to catch her breath.

  Elizabeth could see there was more to it than what she was admitting to. “Caroline, what happened that summer? Why did Lord Ashworth not follow you back to London and speak with your father?”

  Caroline wiped her eyes again as she struggled to keep her voice from cracking with the pain of it all. “He did not love me,” she choked out each word. “As the summer came to an end, he made it all very clear that he wanted nothing further to do with me. The last time I saw him, he said that I was a foolish little girl. He said that he…” she sobbed as it all came rushing out. “Oh Elizabeth, I pleaded with him not to do this to me. I begged him not to leave me. I loved him, I told him so. We had spent so much time together. He came and dined with my aunt and uncle at least twice a week. He paid special attention to me; he said he cared for me, he said he loved me. He promised me marriage,” she whispered softly. “And I believed him. I gave him everything. I gave him my heart, my devotion,” she shook her head as she choked on the words, barely able to speak from the shame of it all. “I gave him myself…” she finally managed to say.

  Elizabeth was stunned by what she said. “Oh Caroline!” she said, her own eyes filled with tears for her.

  Caroline looked past Elizabeth and shook her head. “I thought we meant everything to each other. I thought he loved me, but in the end, he told me that I was the daughter of a tradesmen and that his family would never approve of a match between us,” her voice broke again as she choked on the words, “I cried, I knew what I had done was wrong, but I loved him so dearly. I begged him not to leave me, and he laughed at me,” she said as she collapsed down to the floor, overcome with the pain and shame of it all. “He looked at me, and he laughed. Then he said in his most mocking manner, ‘Caroline, you are so very sweet and I have enjoyed our time together, but you are truly naïve to believe there could ever be anything between us. You speak of love as if that truly mattered in a marriage. One day, you will understand that love is a trifling thing and means nothing. What you feel for me will soon pass, and you will find someone whom you can find real happiness with, I am sure. You will marry someone from your own social circle and standing. I could never lower myself to marry someone like you. You were a bit of fluff that I enjoyed spending my time with, but nothing more…’”

  Elizabeth felt the pain and anger that Caroline was going through. She was astonished by what she had heard and that there were those in the world who would so cruelly hurt another. “Caroline, say no more of it!” she told her as she knelt down and wrapped her arms around her. “He used you; he took advantage of you! You were a young girl, you had no way of knowing how vile and wicked a man he was!” she assured her. “Oh, Caroline, how you must have suffered, how you must have felt such pain at his actions to you!”

  Caroline leaned her head into Elizabeth’s shoulder and cried harder. “Oh Elizabeth, I am so ashamed,” she whispered softly. Her throat so restricted with emotions she had to fight to get each word out. “I watched him walk away as I stood there crying. I remember rushing over to the window and praying he would turn around and come back to me, but he never did. He just climbed into his carriage and rode away, like I was nothing. I never saw him again until recently when I attended Mrs. Wessham’s ball with Jane and Charles,” she said.

  Elizabeth chewed her bottom lip and considered what to say. “What did he say to you when he saw you? Was he unkind, did he say something to make you think he would reveal what had happened in the past?”

  Caroline lifted her head and shook it slowly. “He said nothing. In fact, I do not believe he even remembered who I was,” she laughed bitterly. “All these years of holding on to the pain, of holding on to the hurt, thinking I had to prove I was worthy of him. Thinking if only I married well enough, I could show him…” she began to say. “And in the end, he did not remember me. To him, I truly was nothing!”

  Elizabeth drew in a deep breath as she helped Caroline back up on the chair, “Caroline, truly, I had no idea what you had gone through,” she said as she moved over to the couch. She looked at the woman who sat across from her. She was completely broken, completely vulnerable for perhaps the first time in ten years. She hesitated for a moment, then carefully chose her words. “Caroline, what happened between you and Lord Ashworth was terribly painful. I cannot even imagine how you must have suffered from his betrayal, but he did use you abominably, and for that, he is the worst kind of villain! But you, Caroline, you have allowed it to alter who you are in such a way that no one is able to be close to you. You have put up so many walls around you that it is impenetrable. Do you not see by holding on to all of this, you have allowed him to control you still!”

  Caroline knew she was right. All the years of trying to bury the hurt, all the time spent trying to hide the shame and guilt just came rushing out. “Can you not understand, I had to send Owen away!” she told her all at once. “I had to reject Owen and send him away!” she cried.

  “Why did you have to?” Elizabeth asked her, doing her best to understand.

  “Because I do love him!” she admitted. “Not some silly, foolish school girl love, but truly love him, and I could not lie to him!” she said finally. “I could not accept his marriage proposal and deceive him about my past. How could I do that to him…” she said, her voice trailing off for a moment. “I could not,” she said as she wiped at the tears. Caroline looked over at Elizabeth, “You are right, I have never loved Mr. Darcy. I have never let myself love anyone, not after Geoffrey. I took all that hurt, and I just locked it away so that I would never feel hurt again. I told myself it was for the best. Oh, Elizabeth, I have been so very cold and distant for so very long…” she said as she looked down at her hands. “I have been so very dreadful to everyone, even to my own dear brother and Jane…”

  Elizabeth sniffled in and wiped her own eyes. “It is not too late, you know,” she said softly. “You can change, you can make amends,” she encouraged her. “Do not let the pain of the past destroy the future you could have now. Go to Mr. Fitzwilliam, tell him all that you have told me, and trust that he loves you.”

  Caroline shook her head, “I cannot…” she whispered softly. “If I tell him that I am not,” she hesitated for a moment, searching for the words, “If I tell him I am not chaste, that I have been compromised, he will never want to be with me. He will look at me with disgust and disdain, and I do not believe I could bear it. You can never understand the shame I feel for my actions that summer!”

  Elizabeth took Caroline’s hand in hers, “Caroline, you were young; Lord Ashworth took advantage of your innocence in the most horrible way a man could. If you tell Mr. Fitzwilliam the truth, if you tell him how deeply you love him, I believe he will understand. He loves you so very dearly; he will forgive your past.”

  Caroline sniffled in and wiped her eyes. “And if he does not?” she said simply.

  Elizabeth sniffled in as well, “Then he is not the man I believe he is, and truly is undeserving of you,” she told her.

  Caroline took in a long-drawn breath. She considered what Elizabeth said to her. “I am so afraid…” she said just as the door opened further and Owen stepped inside. Caroline’s eyes opened wide revealing her shock at seeing him standing there. Her heart beat wildly in her chest, “Owen…” she said, astonished that he should be there. “I am so sorry!”

  Elizabeth turned to see Mr. Fitzwilliam standing in the doorway. “Mr. Fitzwillia
m,” she said his name as she wiped her eyes and sniffled in. “We were not aware that you were still here,” she said as she stepped back from Caroline.

  Owen kept his eyes fixed on Caroline, “I was going to leave. I had planned to leave and never to see you again,” he said softly. “I made it all the way to the front door, and then something stopped me, and I knew I had to come back to try one last time to speak with you.”

  Caroline realized he probably overheard what she had told Elizabeth. “Oh Owen, I am truly sorry!” she said as fresh tears formed in her eyes. “How you must hate me! What you must think of me!”

  He shook his head, “You, silly girl,” he sighed. “Of course I do not hate you,” he told her, as he crossed the distance between them. “I love you, Caroline, and none of it matters to me!” he assured her. “You were young,” he said as he cradled her cheek in his hands. “I think ten years is a long enough time to punish yourself,” he said as he looked intently into her eyes. “Caroline Bingley, I love you. I love everything about you, and I am asking again, knowing full well we both have past wounds that we need to let go of. I am asking you to be my wife, and to share my life with me. Let us both leave our wounds in the past where they belong, and move forward together. Marry me?”