Just You

by Jane Lark

  “This is Justin’s girl. Get her a chair, Robin.”

  “Mom, her name’s Portia.” I corrected as I followed them in.

  “See, I said he’s shocked me. Here I am being rude to you, Portia. Justin, aren’t you gonna take Portia’s coat?” Mom smiled at Portia as she spoke to me.

  I’d never gone out with a white girl. I’d never been inclined to. It was Portia I was into, her color hadn’t counted. It still was just Portia I was into–even though she’d blanked me. ‘He was in here when I came in!’ That had put everything in perspective.

  Portia handed me the hat she’d still been clutching and our gazes caught, hers said sorry. Mine probably said–whatever.

  I tucked her hat under my arm, so I could take her coat off her shoulders. I was angry with her, but I could be nice.

  Robin had moved his chair beside Mom’s for Portia and fetched a step-stool from the kitchen to sit on. He put it next to the chair he’d placed for Portia, glancing at me and grinning. I shoved his shoulder.

  He laughed as Mom sat down, but picked up the stool, and moved it to the other side of the table, so I could sit next to Portia.

  Robin’s face was a picture though. It would embarrass the hell out of him if I posted it on Facebook, he was all big eyed, and Jake’s mouth was open.

  I went and hung her coat up as Robin got himself acquainted asking questions and Mom dished Portia up a generous helping of the chicken and dumplings, ladling it on her plate, then adding rice and peas.

  Robin asked how I’d met her.

  “At work,” I answered, before she could, as I sat next to her.

  “So what do you do then, Portia?” Mom asked.

  “I’m Mr. Rees’s Personal Assistant. I manage his mail and his diary, and run errands and stuff.” She ate a mouthful, chewing it in the prettiest way. She was just so perfect. Apart from the fact she didn’t want anyone to know she’d been sleeping with me.

  Her job didn’t seem to impress them much though.

  “Is that what you want to do all your life?” Mom said.

  “I’d love to go into PR, but not at the moment, I’m happy where I am. It pays the bills, and it’s an okay place to work.”

  “And your parents?” Now there was a question. “What do they do? Where do they live?”

  “Mom, you don’t have to interrogate her…”

  “I’m just asking, child.” She looked at me, then Portia. “You don’t mind, do you, sweetheart?” It wasn’t a question, Portia was being told she didn’t care, but that was the force of my Mom.

  Portia shook her head. “I don’t mind. They live in California for part of the year, and in Europe for some of it. My father owns a property business. He builds big complexes. He gave up having anything to do with the building ages ago though, now he pays other people to manage it.”

  Well that had all my family knocked over like pins.

  Catching Robin looking at me, I smiled. He smiled back. Jake just looked like he wondered how the fuck his older brother had managed to pull such a catch. She was hot, and loaded.

  I didn’t know. But then, it wasn’t worth bragging about if the girl wanted to keep the whole thing a secret.

  She kept talking to Mom, eating her dinner in between, and throwing a look at Robin every time he said something.

  Jake kept eating, not looking at her now, as if looking at her was too intimidating. But Dillon’s eyes were saucers, they watched her the whole time he ate, like I’d brought home an alien.

  She leaned back once she’d finished her chicken, a little after the rest of us, as she’d started after us. She looked at Mom. “Thank you Mrs. Preston, that was lovely.”

  Mom smiled. “I guess you’ll be wanting some pudding now…”

  “I–”

  I knew Portia was going to say no. She didn’t eat much. “She won’t take no for an answer, you might as well give in.” I whispered to Portia out the side of my mouth.

  Mom started clearing plates. Robin, Dillon, and even Jake, got up to help her.

  When the others carried the plates and dishes over to the kitchen counter, Portia’s palm settled on my thigh. I looked at her. She didn’t say anything, just looked back at me with imploring eyes. I didn’t cover her hand. I kept my hands on the table. I wasn’t gonna give in.

  Mom had dished us up ice-cream for desert and added chocolate sprinkles for Dillon’s sake. Portia ate it slowly smiling as even Jake found his voice and asked her a few questions, then Dillon found his voice too and bombarded her.

  After we finished the ice-cream, I thought it was time to end this though. “I better get you home,” I stood up. She wasn’t my girlfriend. It was time I got her out of here.

  She looked at me, with hope, like she hadn’t expected me to offer.

  “Portia, this isn’t the sort of neighborhood a woman walks around in on her own. I’ll get your coat.”

  Mom looked at me as I passed her; perhaps finally realizing things weren’t right. I didn’t say anything, but I heard Portia stand up and say, “Thank you.”

  When I came back, I held her coat up and without looking at me she slipped her arms into the sleeves. I held out her hat. She took it from my hand, meeting my gaze, but then looked away. I guess she didn’t like what she saw.

  “I’ll see you later, Mom.”

  “You don’t have to come home. I can walk Dillon to school.” Robin spoke up before I could turn away. He grinned. I shook my head at him. But Mom was already nodding at me.

  “Robin can do it, child. You don’t need to come back. You stay out with Portia if you want.”

  God, it was the first time she’d ever encouraged me to stay out… I nodded vaguely. I was coming back anyway.

  I put my coat on in the hall, and as soon as we stepped out the door, Portia started speaking.

  “I’m really sorry, Justin. Can’t you give me a second chance?”

  I looked along the landing, walking next to her as the cold night air seeped through my coat. “I don’t do second chances, Portia. I learned from Mom. She played the game for years, it got her nowhere.”

  “I–“

  Voices carried on the polluted city air. There were guys in the stairwell. I gripped her arm. “Save it for later. Quiet now and do as I say.” It sounded like there were half a dozen kids talking down there.

  She pulled her arm free.

  “Just say nothing,” I repeated as we reached the stairs. “And keep moving.”

  She glanced at me but didn’t speak as we descended. I saw eight kids down there. They weren’t really kids but I classed them as kids, cause they acted like kids, playing follow the leader–gangs.

  I stiffened, straightening, but tried to keep my shoulders relaxed. This was the only way out, we had to go through them, and the only way was to act like I didn’t care. I didn’t when I was on my own. I did with Portia next to me.

  They looked up. I gave them a dismissive half smile, some of the faces I knew, but I didn’t know their names. I didn’t want to. I’d always kept my distance from the gangs around here. I’d stayed under their radar in my teens, and when I’d worked my way through University, I’d hardly been here. Now I just ignored them, and they did me… usually. But right now all these kids were looking at Portia, with eyes that asked, and gazes that hungered. Fuck.

  I gripped her arm again as we neared them and none of them moved. “You gonna make way for me and my girl?” My other hand was firmly in my pocket, and I kept my pitch somewhere between unthreatening and insistent. But if they didn’t move…

  There was a pause as they all looked from her boots up to the bobble on the top of her woolen hat. I didn’t stop; I kept moving; and kept her moving. Then finally they parted like the red sea for Moses. But I knew as we walked through that their gazes had dropped to her ass.

  I would willingly have hit every one of them. Dickheads!

  I didn’t speak until we got out of the stairwell and about ten yards away, in case the sound carried. Then I
glanced at her. I was still gripping her arm. “You okay?”

  She looked up. “Yeah, sorry. I shouldn’t have come over, should I?”

  Relaxing, I let go of her arm. “Nope, Portia. Bad idea to come here.”

  “Sorry.” She looked ahead.

  The streets were painted in the orange light from the street lamps, but away from the light there were shadows everywhere. I didn’t normally notice them, but with Portia… They were setting my nerves on edge.

  She glanced at me again. “You’re kind of attractive when you go all superhero.”

  Her expression was captured in the electric light, and it shot something hard and elemental through my gut. I was so into her, even though she could pretend I was nothing to do with her.

  I looked away but inside I was laughing at her stupid comment, and I’d seen the light in her eyes that said she knew, and grabbed at hope again.

  Her fingers closed about my arm, gripping my coat as we walked on. I didn’t say anything. Nor did she.

  On the subway train the car was quiet. I sat opposite her, elbows on my thighs and head down.

  “You can talk to me.”

  I looked up and met her blue gaze, as she tried to look inside me. I didn’t answer though.

  “I like your family. Your mom’s nice. And your brothers…” The words died on her lips when she realized I wasn’t gonna answer and she looked up at the adverts above my head.

  My hands gripping together, I looked down again. She was such an anomaly, like she lived in her own universe.

  “I wish my mom was like yours…” Her words carried across the car in a wistful whisper, no longer spoken to me but just said into the air. I looked at her again.

  She was so locked up at work, but here, now, when she was just with me, she was a girl, finding her way, trying to work stuff out on her own… On her own…

  Most girls weren’t completely alone… Was I judging her too hard? Was my vision clouded by my life–my dad? She’d walked out on everything she’d ever known a year ago, and come here to start a new life. That must have been tough–scary.

  I watched as she still looked up. She’d had courage to do that. No wonder she didn’t put herself out there so readily.

  Bullshit.

  I got up and swapped seats, dropping into the one next to her. “Okay, spill, why are you such an idiot? Why hide what we had going on?”

  Her gaze turned to me. “I didn’t mean to, it just happened. I didn’t know what to say…”

  I stared at her a moment. “Because…”

  Her answer came out angry. “Because I don’t know how to do this!”

  I twisted to face her, my knee lifting to rest against the arm of her seat. “Do what, Portia?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, I don’t even know who me is anymore.” Her hand pulled off her hat. There were tears in her eyes. She looked up at the adverts again. “I’m sorry…”

  “For what?”

  Her head spun to face me once more. “Don’t be such a douchebag, Justin. What? Why? I told you, I don’t know! I give up, okay. I get it. You don’t want to be with me anymore.”

  There was a sudden lurch low in my belly that slipped to grip in my groin.

  I did.

  Without thinking, I touched her cheek, then leaned to press a firm quick kiss on her lips before answering over them. “I do, actually, but only if you’re gonna walk in to work tomorrow and tell everyone you’re with me.”

  She didn’t speak but her lips parted like she was searching for words.

  “Look, Portia, I know… I know your parents let you down, your boyfriend let you down–life let you down. But I won’t, not deliberately. You can be brave with me. I know how it feels to be on the other end of that. I won’t do it to you, or anyone. Okay? But it’s gonna take courage. You’ve got to come out of your shell at work. I’m not joining you in your double life. Take the shields down, baby.”

  A tear rolled onto her cheek, then it was followed by another, and then she stood up and moved, shifting to sit on my knee. I held her and she buried her face in my neck.

  I didn’t say anything as she sobbed her heart out, just held her, wondering how long the Portia I’d been making fun of at work had been damning up all this emotion. Probably from the day she’d walked out and had to lock all her fear and loneliness up so tight no one was ever gonna spot it.

  I ran my fingers through her hair.

  “You okay? We’ve got to get off in a moment.” She nodded, sniffing and wiping her nose on her sleeve, then got up.

  When we walked back to her place, I slung my arm over her shoulders and tucked her in close. When we got to her apartment block, she took out her key. “Are you coming in? I’d like you to, if you want to? I mean you’re right about me. I do hide because if I let me out, I think… I’m gonna get hurt. But when it’s you and me–I don’t feel like that. I’m not afraid when you’re around… Will you come out with me tomorrow, to have dinner with my parents? And will you stay with me tonight?”

  There was a heart-felt plea shining from her eyes. How could I say, no? I didn’t even want to say no.

  “Yes, to both, Portia. If tomorrow morning you walk into the office with me and tell them we’ve got something going on.”

  She smiled. “What like tell them we’re going out?”

  “Yeah, tell them we’re going out.”

  She turned to the door and slipped her key in the lock, then twisted it, opening the door. I walked in behind her and took her hand as we started climbing the stairs–memories, echoes, of the sessions we’d had upstairs spun in my head.

  Abstinence made the heart grow fonder–more hungry.

  I’d missed her.

  Her hand slipped from mine, so she could open the lock of her own door. When we were in there I pushed it shut, turned her and pressed her back against the wood, kissing her with the hunger that came from low in belly. There was something like a clamp about my heart, holding it in a vice like grip as she kissed me back.

  She wasn’t just perfect, she was precious, and she needed someone like me to let her know it so she had the courage to step out of her jammed up terrifying world.

  Chapter Nine

  It was the weirdest, most wonderful thing to wake up to my alarm buzzing with my head resting on Justin’s chest for a pillow, and his arm around me.

  He stretched, yawning. I turned onto my belly and rested my fingers on his chest, looking up at him. I could get lost in his brown eyes.

  “Happy?” he asked, his fingers running through my hair.

  “Yeah. You?”

  “Very.” His lips parted in a huge smile.

  “You go shower,” I told him. “I’ll make you coffee and breakfast.”

  “Breakfast? What’s for breakfast?”

  “Wait and see, go shower.”

  When he came back I was at the counter, the coffee steaming in two cups, filling the room with a fresh armor, while I fried off his pancakes. His fingers slipped across my belly as he stood behind me, and his lips kissed the sensitive skin behind my ear. I tried flipping the pancake and nearly dropped it when he bit me. “Justin!”

  He didn’t shift an inch, just gripped my belly harder holding me against him as he whispered to my ear. “When you’re at work, think about this, think about how, when we get home, I’m gonna have you leaning against the counter before we go out with your parents…”

  I turned around and his hands slipped away, but then my head was braced between his long fingers, and his mouth came down on mine. I think it was one of the best kisses I’d ever had, it made my belly go all mushy and my legs weak.

  Then without protesting at all, I had intended to, I turned back to the hot ring and tipped his fifth pancake on to the plate, before holding out the maple syrup. “Here, eat up, I’m going for a shower.”

  “You’re not eating?” He took the maple syrup.

  “I already ate one, and I’m still full up from your mom’s chicken.”

  He laug
hed as I dodged out the room, before he could catch me and pull me in for another kiss.

  We walked to work together, holding hands, but as we got nearer the office, my heart started playing base beat rhythms. Shit, how was I gonna do this? I’d kept me locked away for over a year. They knew the front I put on, not the girl behind it.

  I thought of Justin this morning. He’d called his Mom when we’d left my place to check she’d got to work okay. Then he’d called Robin to check his other brothers had got to school okay. No one knew that about him at work.

  Just ‘cause I was going out with Justin didn’t mean they all had to know the rest of my shit.

  When he got to the reception, Justin looked at me. “Stairs or lift?”

  “Stairs.” I was still a coward, the stairs gave me a few more minutes to avoid this–or a few more minutes of torture. Maybe not such a good idea. But as we climbed, his fingers slipped in between mine and gripped hard, offering reassurance.

  “Sorry I’m such an idiot.”

  “You aren’t an idiot, Portia, you’re perfect. Just relax a little, yeah?”

  “Okay.” I tried but my heart was playing a race against time in my chest. I felt like I was going to faint when he opened the door and pulled me through, still hanging on to my hand.

  When we walked into the open plan room, several people looked, but not because we were anything special, just out of habit. Instead of looking away, they kept on looking and eyebrows lifted.

  Becky’s mouth dropped open when she spotted us, and her eyes widened as she stood up.

  Justin said, “Hey,” to her as we passed, ignoring her reaction, and simply walking me to my chair.

  Gentleman that he was, he let go of my hand, giving me a big smile, and lifted his fingers to the shoulders of my coat to help me take it off.

  I sat down staring at him like a fool. He leaned over and kissed my lips, whispering as heat and air across my mouth, “Just so there’s no confusion, and they know we’re dating,” before he stood up.

  There was that odd delicious feeling in my belly again.

  The instant he walked away and around to his desk, Becky and Crystal came over. Justin winked at me before he sat.