'oI just read this book about dating,” he wrote in his e-mail. “It's written by a guy named Josh Harris and called 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye.1 Anyway, the premise is that dating only leads to problems. At first I was pretty skeptical, but the more I read, the more I agreed with the author. And I can understand this whole thing from firsthand experience. So brace yourself, Ghloe, but I've decided to kiss dating good-bye too.”
Well, I was a little surprised by this. In fact, I wasn't entirely sure if he meant he was “kissing me good-bye” too, although we'd already agreed to continue our relationship as “just friends,” so I guess it shouldn't natter. But somehow seeing those words in print felt like a small slap in my face. All right, I know I'm being terribly self-centered and shallow and immature, but it's how I felt.
Still, it's not as if I haven't heard this kind of philosophy before. After all, this is what Caitlin truly believes. And I've seen my own brother devastated by dating. Although, in Caitlin's defense, they seem to be getting along better than ever these days, but only as friends. I guess Cesar's note just caught me a little off guard. To be perfectly honest, I think I enjoyed the idea of Cesar being slightly in love with me. Oh, what a selfish little fool I am.
Because the rest of the truth is, I still have a crush on Jeremy. Oh, sure, I do a fantastic job of keeping it under wraps. Unlike Allie who actually practices writing her name as “Mrs. Brett James” and will launch into spontaneous discussions about how smart Brett is, how good he is on drums, and she can go on and on about how he's by far the best-looking guy in the band. All to which I manage to just nod and keep my raouth shut. Talk about self-control.
It's not that I want to be insincere to Allie, or Laura for that matter, but I just don't feel it's right for me to have these feelings for Jeremy. Or to express them. I don't see that any good could come from any of it. And although he's never admitted it, I suspect by a couple of comments from Isaiah that Jeremy might have a girl back home. Naturally, I hope I'm wrong. But all these thoughts about dating and crushes and boys just leave me feeling a bit empty and weary. In fact, I don't think it's very healthy for me. So I return to what I should be doing at the moment, and that's songwriting.
KY HEART'S YOUR HEART
You carved a niche inside of me
a pleasant, quiet space a room that's fit for a great King
and it's the very place for You to live and dwell and stay
so that we're not apart
dear God, i want Your home to be
always inside my heart
amen
Thursday, November 11
(SINGING BIG IN ST. LOUIS)
We had one of our best concert crowds last night. They were absolutely fantastic and I felt like I could've performed all night. But we politely surrendered the stage when it was time for Iron Cross to perform. Still, I think the crowd may have liked us almost as much as them. Okay, I know thatfs a very egotistical thing to say. But the reason has to do with CD sales and comments after the show, ibr the first time, Redemption outsold Iron Cross after the concert. It was almost embarrassing.
“It was probably just because everyone here already has your CDs,” Willy assured the other band members as we all kicked back over a late dinner of pizza afterward.
“0h, yeah,” Jeremy said with a playful roll of his eyes. “That must be it.”
“It's just a fluke,” I told them as I reached for another slice of triple cheese pizza.
Isaiah laughed. “Pretty nice fluke for Redemption.”
“You girls need to accept the fact that you're getting really good,” said Jeremy. “The crowd loved you tonight. And that's cool.”
Michael nodded. “It took us a couple of years to get the kind of response you're getting on your first tour.”
“Well, thatfs probably because we're opening for you,” said Allie.
“Yeah,” agreed Laura. “You guys draw the big crowds, and we get to come along for the ride.”
“Itfs a great ride too.” I smiled at Jeremy, then glanced at the others. “Thanks for letting us tag along.”
“Yeah, we'll probably be saying the same thing to you someday,”. said Brett.
I hardly think so. And it's not that I'd want to bump Iron Gross from their nearly constant number one position on the Christian music charts, but I wouldn't mind seeing us at least make an appearance someday. Kaybe in the number ten spot. Still, I know that's a long shot this early in the game. Eric said that we don't need to worry about numbers yet. But it's hard not to hope. Just the same, I better put the whole thing back in God's hands.
YOU'RE THE ONE
make us, break us, lift us high
use us, lose us, let us die
You're the one who sets our fate
plans our futures, bad or great
lead us, feed us, show Your way
hold us, mold us, every day
You're the one who knows it all
if we stand or if we fall
boom us, doom us, it's Your choice
teach us, reach us with Your voice
You're the One, the One who must
bring us to this place of trust
amen
Sunday, November 21
(DANCING IN DES KOINES)
We had our final concert last night “before our Thanksgiving break. Laura's and my parents drove over to see us perform again. Then after the concert, Laura decided to go home with her parents. I think that was a good choice because it seems as if she's been getting a little tired and strung out again. She's really due for a rest.
I decided to stay on the bus and come home with the rest of the crew. Somehow just knowing I'll be home by tonight is a huge comfort to me. And then I don't have to do anything I don't want to do for four lovely days. But it's back on the road on Friday.
This morning, as we all met for breakfast in the hotel, I asked Jeremy what he was doing for Thanksgiving.
“Our parents have this great big celebration. They have about forty or fifty people there relatives and friends.”
“Yeah,” Isaiah chimed in. “When we were little they used to make us get up in front of everyone and sing.”
Jeremy laughed. “Stuff yourself on Kom's tough turkey and then watch the Baxter Boys perform. What a day!”
“Sounds like fun to me.” Allie glanced over at her mom. “Whatfre we doing this year?”
Elise just shook her head. “I haven't given it rauch thought.”
“Hey, why don't you come over to our house,”I suggested, hoping ray mom wouldn't mind. “And you too, Willy.”
“You sure you aren't sick of us?” asked Willy. “You might want a little break.”
“No way. You guys are like family.”
“Well, you better check with your real family first, Chloe,” said Elise. “They might have other plans.”
“Okay, I'll give you guys a call after we get home.”
After breakfast I noticed Brett and Allie exchanging phone numbers, and I wondered what was up with that but decided not to ask. As expected, I didn't need to.
“Brett wanted ray home phone number,” Allie told me as soon as we stepped onto the bus.
“Why?” I asked.
She laughed. “Why not?”
“Allie, you need to leave the poor boy alone,” scolded Elise as she got Davie settled with a pile of picture books.
“Hey, it was his idea.” Allie sank down into the recliner and sighed. “I don't know if I can survive not seeing him for a whole week.”
“It's not even a whole week,” I reminded her. “Our next concert is on Saturday.”
“It'll feel like a month to me.”
I picked up my math book and started working on an overdue assignment.
“That's what you should be doing too, Allie,” Elise said. “Look, I don't even have to nag Ghloe.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Allie closed her eyes. “Ghloe is so perfect. G11 bet you wish she was your daughter.”
Elise just laughed, and I took
my homework back to the bedroom to finish before I started working on songs and writing in my diary. So far I've managed to stay pretty caught up on school-work. But it's not easy. Elise schedules our “school time” in the mornings, and I try to work on it during our free evenings, but it takes a lot of self-discipline sometimes. Still, I don't want to be behind when we return to school after Christmas. I want to prove that it's possible to do a concert tour and continue my schooling. I just hope I can keep it up.
FOR YOU
make me strong
and help me last
so i'll belong
holding fast
to Your hand and to Your word
help me stand
undeterred
help me know
what is best
when to grow
when to rest
so that all
who see ray face
hear Your call
know Your grace
amen
Fourteen
Tuesday, November 23
(HOME SWEET HOME)
The first day back home I mostly slept. Ky parents didn't even seem to mind. Then today I took a “mental health” day, at least that's what my dad called it. I think it was more of a spiritual health day. I slept in late then spent the rest of the morning reading the new Bible I got while we were in Dallas. I hate to admit that I'd been neglecting to read the Word as much as I should. Anyway, this is going to change now.
Ky new Bible is actually only the New Testament, and it's called “The Kessage” and doesn't have the “red lines” that I read before I was a Christian. But to me, the words are more natural sounding—the way people speak today. I like reading it without getting distracted by language. I guess, being a songwriter and all, I'm sort of word sensitive. I read about half of the gospel of John before I decided I could use some fresh air.
So I got out my old bike and rode up to the cemetery. I just walked around and prayed and enjoyed the silence. I'd almost forgotten what silence sounds like. Oh, there was the sound of the wind in the trees and an occasional passing car, but mostly it was very serene. I'm sure if anyone had seen me walking around, they might've thought I was depressed, but I was just enjoying the peace and tjuiet.
I was also thinking about something that happened the afternoon we got home. Ifot such a big deal really, but it got me wondering. I was grabbing a few personal items from the medicine cabinet on the bus, like my favorite toothbrush and a bottle of cologne that I got in Santa i'e, when I accidentally knocked Allie's Ritalin bottle into the sink. I picked it up but was slightly surprised to discover that it was empty. I put it back, but when I caught up with Allie in the church parking lot I said, “Hey, I didn't know you'd been taking your Ritalin again.”
She looked at me funny. “What do you mean?”
“You know. Your ADD pills.”
She just shook her head. “What are you trying to say, Chloe? You think I need to be taking them?”
“No. That's not what I-.”
“Look, I've been trying really hard not to be so hyper. Willy said that I was doing a pretty good job too.”
“So you have been taking the pills?”
She frowned, “ito. I hate those stupid pills. What are you talking about?”
“0h. The prescription bottle just fell into the sink, and it sounded like it was empty. That's all.”
She considered this. “I bet Mom dumped them. I'd told her explicitly that I had no intention of taking them. She was probably worried about Davie getting into them. Did you know he ate her chocolate-flavored Exlax once? Talk about a stinky disaster. I was doing laundry all day and you should^e—”
“Yuck.”I held up my hands to stop her. “That's a whole lot more than I wanted to hear.”
“Come on, Allie,” called Elise. “Willy said he'd drop us at home.”
“Call me,” said Allie.
“Yeah.”I waved over to where my dad was just getting out of his car. “Can you believe we're home?”
Allie grinned. “It feels pretty good, huh?”
I nodded. “Who^ve thunk? See ya, Al!” I picked up my bag and headed over to my dad.
And then I was so busy talking with him and telling him how I'd invited Allie's family and Willy over for Thanksgiving that I completely forgot about the Ritalin thing. But it's been bugging me a little. Elise might've tossed the pills away out of concern for Davie, but why wouldn't she have thrown out the bottle too? I suppose she could've been saving it to have the prescription refilled, just in case Allie changed her mind. But I must admit that I had noticed how Allie seemed a little calmer during the last half of our trip. I really thought she had been taking the Ritalin, but why would she lie to me?
Okay, here's what I was really wondering about: I've noticed that Laura seems different. She went through her funky period early on in the tour, but then she popped out of it. She really appears to have these highs and lows that seem sort of un-Laura-like to me. She used to be the even keeled one among us. And iVe noticed that she can seem sort of jittery before and after our concerts—like she's had too much caffeine, but she doesn't even drink much of anything with caffeine.
And so, in the privacy of my diary, I am wondering if Laura could have possibly taken Allie's Ritalin. The strange thing about Ritalin is that it works to calm a hyper person like Allie down, but it's a stimulant, I think an amphetamine, to a normal person. Even as I write this I'm thinking itfs completely ridiculous. Maybe I just need to see it in print to realize how crazy that would be. Laura is the straightest person I've ever known. And she has absolutely no tolerance toward drug users. She's the one who says things like: “They just need to make better choices…” or “They could get clean if they wanted to…” or “If they'd just trust God, they could get over their addictions…”
Now, it's not that I disagree with her exactly, but I've always felt it was more complicated than that. Like I know that ray friends Jake.and Cesar did some drugs (mostly weed), and it wasn't that easy for them to get free, but in time they did. But Spencer is one of those guys who thinks he can't live without it. In my opinion, he's the kind of kid who might be a real addict. Like my brother Caleb. And like Laura's sister, Christine. Laura doesn't like to talk about Christine. I think it's an embarrassment to the Mitchell family. Ifot unlike Caleb is with us. Although I don't think he embarrasses me. I mostly just feel sorry for him. But I'm pretty sure Christine embarrasses Laura, and that's why she won't talk about it. But I could be wrong.
Anyway, I'm fairly positive that Laura would never take drugs. Other than the pills to help her sleep. I guess I can't know this for sure. But I do know that I'll be keeping a better eye on her during the next month of touring. I may even ask her about it.
WHO KNOWS
who knows
what goes
'round in the heads of others
some try
to lie
to sisters and to brothers
some please
some tease
paste on their happy faces
some quit
some fit
by squeezing in tight spaces
some fret
regret
a world that's dark as night
God knows
He shows
us how to walk in light
He takes
and makes
a life you understand
trust Him
just Him
reach out and take His hand
cm
Fifteen
Wednesday, November 24
(BACK IN SCHOOL)
Laura and Allie and I went to school today. Just for lunchtirae, since we're not in any real classes until January. Although I raet with ray English Lit teacher to get some clarification on an assignment.
It was pretty cool seeing our friends again. Everyone was hugging and laughing, and I thought that things have sure changed at Harrison High. Or maybe it's just me. But I remember a time�
�was it only a year ago—that I was the misfit there. And now it's like I'm a celebrity. So weird.
Anyway, as friends were clamoring around us and wanting to hear every detail about our concerts and road trip, I noticed Marty Ruez sitting by herself in a corner of the cafeteria. Now, Karty is the girl who had helped me out of a tough jam during ray f reshraan year. She observed Tiffany Knight and her cohorts picking on me and went to the counselor in my defense (after I whacked Kerry in the nose with my backpack). If it hadn't been for Karty, I might've actually had a criminal record. Well, I excused myself and went over to say hi.
“Hey, Marty,” I said as I pulled out a chair. “Kind if I join you?”
She blinked in surprise, then immediately flushed with embarrassment. I know that she's really self-conscious. She's pretty overweight and has been picked on a lot by people like Tiffany Knight, although Tiffany keeps reassuring me that she's changed her ways. But I've never picked on Marty, and I've tried to reach out to her a number of times.
“Sure,” she said. “If you really want to.”
“So, how's your year going so far?”
She just shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
“Yotfre looking good.” ifow this was the truth. She had on a red sweatshirt that really made her hair look rich and dark.
She smiled and seemed to relax a bit. “Thanks, Chloe. How's the music business going?”
“Not too bad. We were on the road for about three months doing concerts and stuff.”
“Yeah, I missed seeing you around here.”
“I kind of missed being here too. I didn't think I'd feel that way.”
Marty shook her head. “I sure wouldn't miss it.”
I laughed. “That's kind of how I felt before we left. But it's good to be back now.”
She sighed. “I wish I could get out of this place.”
“Hey, you!”
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