I looked up to see Cesar approaching our table. “Hey, Cesar!” I stood and grinned at him, surprised at how handsome he looked in his off-white sweatshirt and baggy jeans. “I was wondering where you were.”
“How about a hug?” he asked.
“Sure.” I hugged him then stepped back. “Is hugging legal in your nondating plan?”
He laughed. “Yeah, as long as it's platonic. Hey, Marty, what's up?”
She just shrugged. “Not much.”
“Mind if I join you girls?”
Marty's face brightened. “Pull up a chair.”
I turned to Karty. “Have you heard that Cesar has given up dating girls?”
“Coming out of the closet, are you?” she asked without batting an eyelash.
This made Cesar laugh, “ifo, not exactly.”
I reached over and patted his hand. “I'm sorry, Cesar. I probably shouldn't go around telling everyone about your new conviction.”
“Oh, it's okay.” He looked at Karty. “I gave up dating so that I could focus my energy on God better.”
She blinked, “ibr real?”
“Yep. i'or real.”
“I have another friend who's done the same thing,” I told her. “She'd been dating my brother—.'
“You mean Gaitlin O'Conner?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, I knew that.” Marty waved her hand as, if it was old news.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I heard about it during my freshman year. She was a senior then.”
“So anyway, I kind of understand it.” I glanced at Cesar and wondered if I really did. And I can't explain it, but suddenly—now that I was face-to-face with him—I had this longing to be closer. Suddenly I wished we were still going together. Even as I write this, I'm thinking it's crazy, but it's how I felt. Maybe it has to do with forbidden fruit. Someone tells you that you can't have it, and it's all you can think about.
“So, are you doing it too?” asked Marty.
“Doing it?” I peered curiously at her.
“You know, the nondating thing?”
I shrugged. “Well, not really. I mean, it's not as if I'm dating anyone. But I haven't really felt like God was telling me it's something I need to give up. My music keeps me so busy that dating is pretty much a nonissue.”
“So then I'm not the only one who's lonely on iYidays.” Marty attempted a pitiful-looking smile.
“You're lonely on Fridays?” asked Cesar.
She rolled her eyes at him. “Yeah, what'd you think? That boys were lining up at ray door?”
“I've been going to youth group on i'ridays,” said Cesar. “I'd be glad to take you along, if you'd like.”
“Really?” Karty looked slightly skeptical. I suspected that she's been teased about something like this before. I've heard mean stories where popular guys will ask a girl like Karty out, acting all serious and sweet, and then, of course, they never show up. But I knew this wasn't Cesar's style.
“Really.”
“Okay,” she said. “That'd be cool.” Then she glanced at her watch. “Guess I better be going.”
“I'll give you a call about i'riday.”
“Great.”
I watched Karty walk away, and I'ra sure I saw just the slightest spring in her normally heavy step.
I turned and studied him for a moment. “That was really cool, Cesar.”
He smiled at me, and for the second time today I thought I was going to crack—I honestly wanted to get right down on my knees and beg Cesar to reconsider this not-going-out thing. But somehow I managed to maintain my dignity.
“Yeah, I've known Karty since grade school. But I guess I sort of forget that her life might be a little lonely sometimes.”
I nodded. “Well, that's great that you're going to take her to youth group.”
“So tell me all about your trip, Chloe.”
“You have time?”
He shrugged. “I don't think the world will fall apart if I miss economics.”
I groaned. “Dotft you just hate that class?” Then I told him some of the highlights of our trip. I was careful to play down anything to do with Jeremy Baxter. Ifot that I have anything to hide, exactly, but I guess I didn't want to give the wrong impression either. We must've talked for forty minutes. It felt just like old times, but I could tell it was probably time for him to be getting back to class.
“Pve really missed you, Chloe.” Cesar stood and shoved his hands in his pockets.
“Me too.” I could feel a small lump growing in my throat as I stood with him. “And I hope you understood about—”
“Hey, it's cool.” He cut me off. “And as it turns out, I think you were absolutely right.”
“But I still feel really close to you, Cesar.”
“I know. I want us to stay that way too. Just without dating.”
I nodded. “That makes sense.”
“So, let's keep e-mailing and stuff. Okay?”
“Yeah. I love getting your e-mails on the road. You make me feel like I'm back in school.”
He frowned. “And that's a good thing?”
“When you're away from home, it is.”
“Well, I better get to class before they put out an APB on me.” He glanced at the cafeteria clock. “When do you guys hit the road again?”
“Friday morning.”
“So, I probably won't see you again.”
“Probably not.”
He reached over and gave me another hug. “Take care then.”
I nodded. “You too.”
As he walked away I wanted to call out, “I love you, Cesar.” But wisely, I didn't. Still, as I write this, I'm thinking that maybe Cesar was my real “first” love—with a boy anyway. My most important first love is with God. But now I guess I wonder whether it's really over with Cesar or not. In a way I'm sort of relieved that he's not dating. That way I won't have to worry about some other girl, like Karissa, stealing him away. Earlier today, Karissa asked me why we weren't going together anymore, and I told her that Cesar had “kissed dating good-bye.”
“You mean kissed you good-bye,” she teased.
I shrugged. “I guess it was mutual.”
“So it's open season on Cesar then?” Her green eyes twinkled with mischief.
I just laughed. “Hey, if you really think he'll compromise his commitment for you, well then, good luck.”
But somehow I don't think he will. At least I hope not. It's not that I have anything against Marissa—and sometimes I actually think she's seeking God—but in some ways (like when she shoplifted the thongs in the mall!) she's unpredictable. And I don't think a relationship with her would be very good for Cesar.
Anyway, I figured it was about time for us to clear out of school before the vice principal showed up and attempted to force the three of us to his office for playing hooky. I glanced around the mostly empty cafeteria to spy Laura and Allie sitting at a table with a few kids who didn't appear to be in any hurry to get back to class. I went over to join them, but Laura was already getting up to go.
“See ya around,” she called over her shoulder to the kids at the table.
“How'd it go with Cesar?” Allie asked as we walked out of the cafeteria.
“Okay. He's really committed to this nondating thing.”
“That” s so weird,” said Allie. “I mean, I kind of understood it when Caitlin shared with our youth group last summer, like from a girl's perspective. But I just don't get a guy doing it.”
“What do you mean? Do you have some kind of double standard for guys? Like it's okay for them to do whatever they want, but girls better watch out?”
“Huh?”. Allie seemed to consider this. “Mow that you mention it, I suppose that could be true. I mean, we girls just kind of expect guys to act like jerks most of the time, don't we?”
“I don't,” snapped Laura. She was unlocking her car now, fumbling to get the key into the lock. 'oI think guys should be held to the same standard as girls.”
“That's easy for you to say. Ryan was a real gentleman,” Allie reminded her. “I'm sure he never would've pulled anything stupid.”
Laura pressed her lips together as she placed her hands on the steering wheel. “Yeah, probably not. Not that it matters now, but I think I can see why Cesar has given up dating. In fact, I think it might be a good idea for everyone.”
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Yes. I think we should all consider it.” She turned and looked at us. “I know that you both believe you're in love with—well, I won't mention names—but they happen to belong to a certain Christian rock band that's fairly well known.”
“Both of us?” Allie turned and stared at me. “I mean, I've made no secret that I'm a little smitten by a certain Brett James, but what's up with you, Chloe?”
“Wake up and smell the coffee,” Laura said in a sharp tone. “Itfs obvious that Chloe's head over heels in love with Jeremy.”
“Jeremy?” Allie sounded truly shocked now. “Ifo way. Ghloe is NOT in love with Jeremy. Are you, Chloe?”
Okay, I must confess that I lied at that point. “Wo,”I said quickly, glancing away. “Laura probably just assumed that since Jeremy and I are good friends I must be in love.”
Laura narrowed her eyes at me. “So you're saying you're not?”
“That's what I'm saying, Laura. Jeremy and I are just good friends who happen to enjoy spending time together. We talk about music and God and whatever. Besides, what difference does this make to you all of a sudden? And why are you so grumped out today? Get up on the wrong side of bed this morning, did we?”
Laura made a growling sound, then sighed and shook her head. “Oh, I'm sorry. I don't even know why I said that. Maybe I just felt left out.”
“Left out?” Allie reached over from the backseat and patted Laura on the shoulder. “You can never be left out, Laura. You know how much we love you. We wouldn't have Redemption without you. Don't you know that by now?”
“Yeah,” I chimed in. I sensed that something deeper was bugging Laura. “We're in this thing together. Ibr “better or for worse, you know. Don't go saying you feel left out.”
Then Laura started to cry. She put her head down on the steering wheel and quietly sobbed. I didn't know what to say.
“Do you want us to pray for you?” asked Allie in a quiet voice.
Laura just nodded without speaking.
So there in Harrison High School's visitors' parking lot, Allie and I prayed for Laura. We weren't too sure what exactly we were praying for, but we asked God to comfort her and strengthen her and to hold her in the palm of His hand. And when we finished she seemed a little better.
“Thanks, guys.” Laura wiped her nose on a tissue, then started the engine and backed up. “I think the concert tour sort of wiped me out. I haven't done much of anything besides sleep since I've been home. I probably shouldn't have come to visit at school today. But I just wanted to see my old friends.”
“It was cool seeing everyone,” I said, “but I think it was kind of stressful too.”
Laura nodded. “It's different than when we're signing autographs and making small talk with strangers. That's a lot easier.”
I wasn't so sure about that, but I didn't say so.
“Yeah,” agreed Allie. “I hope that life will feel more normal when we come back to school after Christmas break. Today was kind of weird.”
“Keep getting rested up,” I told Laura as she dropped me at home.
“I will.”
Still, I feel a little worried about Laura. It's weird too, because of the three of us, I would think that Allie or I would be the ones to have problems just based on our personality types— Allie being the hyper one and me being the more melancholy. Anyway, you'd think that Laura would have it all together by now.
I'm really going to be praying for Laura. I guess I'm afraid that she's having second thoughts about the band. I'm worried that she might decide not to go back on the road with us. And where would that leave us? Nowhere, I'm afraid.
HANG ON TO HER
hanging by a thread
or so it seems
in a moment, dashed,
are all our dreams
life can take a turn
and then a swerve
spinning in a circle
around a curve
hanging to the rope
she fights for life
shouting to be heard
above the strife
hold on, dear God, please
don't let her go
hanging on to her
just let her know
that she can relax
and lean on You
You're the only One
to get her through
carry her along
don't let her fall
not until she's given
You her all
amen
Sixteen
Friday, November 26
(ON THE ROAD AGAIN)
I must admit that it feels kind of good to be back on tour. And to ray great relief, Laura is here with us and pretty rauch acting like everything is okay. Although she does seem a bit different to me. A little closed off, like she's keeping to herself more. But maybe she just needs that kind of space. In a way, I suppose I do too. Sometimes all this 24/7 closeness and interaction takes its toll on me.
According to the schedule that Willy just posted on our bus bulletin board, we have eight concerts to do before Christmas. All of them are in the northeast, and he told us to pray for good weather.
I had a nice Thanksgiving with my family. Naturally, Josh was home and my grandparents came. In fact, ray grandma did most of the cooking, although I did help her make pumpkin and pecan pies, which weren't half bad if I do say so. My parents said it was okay to invite Allie's family as well as Willy. And I think they were glad to join us. All in all, it was a pretty low-key event but exactly what I needed after the fast-paced stress of the last few weeks of our concert tour.
Gaitlin and her brother, Benjamin, came over in the evening, and we played some board games and just visited for a while. I can't believe how much older Ben seems now. He's in the same grade as I am, but I've always thought of him as younger. Actually, he is younger since I'm old in my class. But he really seems to have grown up a lot since last spring.
I still think that Caitlin and Josh will get married someday. You can just tell by the way they interact and look at each other. There is definitely something going on. But they keep saying they're only friends. And hey, that's cool. When the time's right, we'll all be happy for them.
Speaking of couples, I think that Willy likes Elise. It's not that he does anything overt, but he is very respectful of her and treats her like she's special. I know she enjoys that too, especially considering the way Allie's father had treated her in the past. It's kind of fun to watch. I'm not sure if Allie has noticed it yet or not, or even what she'd think if something were to develop. But I could imagine those two together. And little Davie just adores Willy. I'm sure he'd welcome him as a new “daddy.” Still, I don't think I'll say anything to anyone. No use rushing things.
Speaking of rushes, I am really looking forward to seeing Jeremy again. But more than ever now, I know I'll have to be very careful not to show my feelings. I feel bad that I lied to Laura and Allie, and yet I'm not sure how I could've handled it better. I don't think it would do anyone a bit of good to know that Tve got a thing for Jeremy Baxter. Besides, it's probably just one of those schoolgirl crushes that should go away in time. Sigh…
Mostly, I need to stay focused on my music and songwriting and, of course and foremost, God. Thatfs enough to keep me busy—and out of trouble.
DEEPER FOR YOU
like a tree that's growing strong
branches reaching, stretching long
toward the warmth of sweet sunshine
tall and healthy, green and fine
without roots my tree would tumble
it would
topple down and crumble
it's my roots that hold me fast
digging deep so i can last
through the storms and winds that blow
it's my roots that hold me so
and it's the roots that feed my tree
digging deep so i can be
hale and hearty, strong and tall
deeply rooted, i won't fall
cm
Sunday, November 28
(FLAT IN INDIANAPOLIS)
Redemption's portion of last night's concert felt a little flat to me, not musically speaking since I'm sure we were on key, but something about it felt slightly off. As usual, we prayed before the concert. And the audience responded positively. If they noticed anything amiss, they sure didn't show it.
Allie gave a brief testimony afterward, sharing about how she once believed that Wicca was the answer for her, but she was only disappointed by it in the end, and the crowd appeared to be genuinely moved. But the concert, or our part in it, still felt less than great to me.
Jeremy spied me looking a little glum after we finished signing CDs and asked what was wrong.
“I don't know.” I shook my head. “But I just don't think we were very good tonight.”
“We as in everyone?”
“No,” I assured him. “I mean we as in Redemption. I don't think we played as well as we should.”
“You girls sounded great.”
But I think he was just trying to be nice. I think we sounded blah, dull, flat. In my mind, something was definitely missing. I just couldn't put my finger on what.
“Sometimes it's hard to get back into the groove after being home for a few days,” he told me as we gathered our stuff backstage.
“It didn't sound like you guys were having any problem,” I said.
Michael laughed. “Hey, it didn't sound like you girls were having any problem either. Don't be so tough on yourself, Chloe.”
Jeremy patted me on the back. “It's okay. I know exactly how you feel. These guys are always telling me that I'm our worst critic.”
“You and Chloe,” added Allie. “She's always harping at us to try harder, play better. Sometimes I think she should carry a whip.”
Jeremy grinned. “It's just the way we're wired. Right, Chloe?”
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